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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: The biggest trigger - did you conquer it?
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Biggest trigger? No, it's OW and he still works with her. I don't see her often but when I do it still pretty much ruins my day. Others that used to be big still trigger me but I can usually push through them. WH texting is hard. Seeing a bunny/fox too (her nicknames for them, they even used emoji's back and forth like bunny/heart/fox, fox/heart/bunny ). Hopefully someday those won't bother me anymore.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Feelthrownaway
♀ Member
Member # 33772
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did :) I honestly can't remember the last time I triggered.


BW- 48
FWH-49
D-day- aug 16,2011
Married 23 years- together 25

What doesn't kill me, scars me.


Posts: 1205 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Down South
Waiting2breathe
♀ New Member
Member # 41720
Default  Posted: 5:23 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have conquered most of my triggers but the biggest test and trigger for my progress and sanity will come in September. My WH was with the OW on my birthday while I was out of town. I am hoping for the best and not lose it.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Third rock from the Sun
SusanR
♀ Member
Member # 29368
Default  Posted: 5:35 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am about 15 months out from the 3rd DDay and my biggest triggers are "events" and my memory of previous year's events when the A was going on and I didn't know. I am haunted by thoughts of what occurred and my mental attemps to reconcile them in my mind.

[This message edited by SusanR at 5:36 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1963 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Midwest
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I ever felt like I had to conquer something to stay in a marriage I would leave. I'm not gonna do mental gymnastics to stay here. Triggers are what they are. Feel them, honor why you have them and then they either go away or stick around a while. It gets better with time. If I feel like I can't handle some big ones (seeing the OW) then it's probably time to go. Then again, I might not care or I'll get used to it.
To think that not only did Affairs happen but I have another mountain to climb to get a handle on things - I think it's too much. Why must we twist ourselves into pretzels to stay?



his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5500 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Lark
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rachelc - I don't really see me conquering a trigger as being about the M, the OW, or my husband at all. I see it as being about me.


“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” - Dumbledore

Posts: 883 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
Lark
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Or rather I should say *for* me. I want to figure out how to deal with triggers for my own sanity, for my own moving past. It isn't at all about the M or R or anything being dependent on it. It's about giving myself permission to have control over that aspect again. Probably not the right wording. But yes, I don't see the triggers as being about my H, M, R, or OW at all (phew lots of acronyms)


“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” - Dumbledore

Posts: 883 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand and I'm sure that's the healthy way of looking at all this....


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5500 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
redsox13
♂ Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The biggest? No. And I never will I suspect.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 302 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
1ost0ne
♂ Member
Member # 40202
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2yrs out and still working on them. Main trigger is going to the location where they messed around. HATE going by there. ... I think the mind movies have gotten better.

This is where I'm at. Unfortunately, we still live near her old playground. There are rendezvous spots that even a year out, I have yet to go near, driving miles out of the way to avoid.



“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
― Maya Angelou

Posts: 84 | Registered: Aug 2013
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not really sure what my biggest trigger is. Music still has a pretty good chance of making me ill, so I am careful what I listen to. Babies are a trigger, but I am being pro-active in spending time with friends who have babies and that has helped. Young, unwed pregnant women are a trigger. Hearing someone has separated is a trigger. Anything remotely romantic is a trigger.

BUT. My own body is no longer a trigger, and for a long time that was the biggest one. Sex with my H is not a trigger.

For me, a trigger is just what puts me at risk of bursting into tears, vomiting or generally losing control of my thoughts. It would be wrong to imagine I wasn't thinking about it and something happened that just suddenly reminded of some part of the A. It is on my mind 24/7. Always. Every moment of the day. It is a part of who I am now, the same as if my H had died. But it hurts less and less acutely as time goes by. Some triggers faded away, some I have had to face head-on, some I have had to just let wash through me, or lean into the pain. None have been conquered - there is always the potential for a kick behind the knees. But I have not been conquered by them either. I'm still standing and I'm still winning.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 31
Pages: 1 · 2

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