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Newest Member: JRconfused (45363)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: how do you cope?
mom2my4kiddos
New Member
Member # 44174
Default  Posted: 4:48 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even with all of the secrets and lies, I just want to reconcile and move forward. How do I do that when he doesn't even want to talk to me anymore? He days he wants his family, but it's like he's addicted to her. I'm so sad and trying to be tough and not care, but it hurts. I saw a therapist who said for me to anchor myself with something positive like my kids.they are leaving this afternoon for a road trip. What am I going to fill all those empty hours with?


Me: BS 43
Him:WS 41
Dday 7/16/14
Hoping for R but sometimes I think my hope is fading.

Posts: 48 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: USA
DepressedDaddy
♂ Member
Member # 41521
Default  Posted: 5:05 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Check out the 180 information for some useful things to keep your mind and body occupied.

Sorry you have to experience the crap that WSers love to do. I hated to hear and see my STBXWW's behaviors and thoughts when we were going through out false R. Just take care of yourself.

Take a look at this website:

http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/DiscoverIt/Articles/Pages/99-Coping-Skills.aspx

Also, I am big into mindfulness as well. It has helped me immensely.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/mindfulness


Since D I have become DDaddy 2.0 - or better known as DevotedDaddy

“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so."


Posts: 813 | Registered: Dec 2013
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 5:28 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While they are gone,,, please find this book - Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson. It is an easy read-- you can just really open any page and be shocked. I think it's on CD also. He quickly says what you are saying-- -that the spouse is addicted to the high of the affair, and how to use tough love to wake them up. He says you only have a small window of opportunity to act so PLEASE read/listen to even a small bit of the book. This book literally saved my life, and even brought WS back to us -- almost. When he said he was thinking about coming back, I had gotten SO strong, I said I wanted a real marriage and he could come back with IC/MC. He didn't want to do that minimal thing for his family, so I cut him loose....Then, later he DID go to counseling with us, but lied all thru it... The kids and I were able to stay strong thru this because of what I realized in the book.

I just want to ask you to PLEASE reach out to your family/friends for support and keep posting while your kids are gone. It's a hard time, I know, and some people get so lonely they don't think clearly. I made up my mind from day 1 that my children really needed me in their life as my best self thru all of this. The book really helped me see this clearly.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2216 | Registered: Jan 2012
amanda123
♀ Member
Member # 43207
Default  Posted: 5:38 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi and welcome to SI, you have come to the right place for venting, advice and being with people who have or are in the same situation as you.
The kids are off for a few days, great more time to focus on YOU.
Start reading!! There is lots to read top left hand corner in the yellow box. Read other peoples posts, get familiar with the terms and abbreviations. Read the 180 you will find it in the BS info number 11 in the yellow box. It will help YOU get stronger and more confident, (nothing sexier than a confident person I think, anyway). Start looking after yourself eat better, get healthier, look at speaking to a counselor.
Everyone of us wants our relationship/marriage to work out, but both people have to want it.
Can I ask you he said he wants his family, does that include you? My H said the same thing to the OW and then I found out she was going to move here to be with him, so that he could still be with his family obviously at that time it didnt include me.
Of course it hurts, betrayal is like someone punching you in the gut and winding you so badly you can barely breathe. Keep posting, many hugs to you.

Posts: 209 | Registered: Apr 2014
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((mom))) I'm sorry you find yourself here. Please take care of yourself. If you haven't done so, get an STI screening to protect your health. Even if you want to stay married, please please please see a lawyer to find out where you stand so you can protect your children.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 615 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Mom

Sage advice from many will be to not fast track this to R. If you don't deal with WHY he cheated and HOW he allowed himself to cheat and just try to get back to "life previously in progress" the likelihood he will cheat again is very high.

It is called rugsweeping. Look it up in the Healing Library at the upper left hand corner.

I just want to reconcile and move forward. How do I do that when he doesn't even want to talk to me anymore?

You can't. You can't be the only person in the marriage trying to make it work. You can't nice him back, love him back, etc.

but it's like he's addicted to her

What makes you write this? Is he still seeing the OW?

There is no chance of a true R with the OW still in the picture.

When was your DDay?

Right now, just focus on you. Take a walk, go shopping. Do something for YOU.

We are here for you. Keep posting.

Good luck.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 11:39 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1207 | Registered: Apr 2013
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was/am the same way. I just wanted to try to forget about everything that my H had done and said. I even told him that I would just drop it all and move forward, never mentioning it again. It doesn't work.

My H told me everything I wanted and needed to hear, but wouldn't leave the OW. He is even living with her. It DOES hurt, it is the absolute worst thing I have ever been through! But it DOES get better. It doesn't seem like it NOW and I didn't believe people (many on this site) that it said it WOULD. But it is. Each day I feel a little stronger. The NC helped me tremendously. I still want to contact him and it is hard as hell not to answer when it does find time away to contact me (which has been very little, btw) but I have done it. You can to.

My son left for 2 weeks and left me alone. Alone with your thoughts is NOT good right now. Find something, anything to do to keep you occupied! Whatever you do, don't just sit there doing nothing. I had to make myself do things but after I started doing them, I felt better.

I am still only 2 months into my nightmare and only a week with NC, so I am definitely NOT an expert. I just wanted to share with you what has worked for me in the last few weeks.

((((HUGS))))


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You cannot reconcile when he is still engaged in the A.

Period.

Why would you try? Get IC and try to realize how much you are willing to give up and how little you are willing to accept.

Stand up for yourself.

It is so hard but you are not showing him any consequences so he is continuing to cake-eat. Therefore, find your boundaries and your bitch boots and show him the consequences.

And then you can learn to fill up the hours of your life with...your life. Things that make you happy and give you meaning. If your identity is too enmeshed in being with him, you may have lost yourself. So, start finding who you are again and investing in your own happiness. What do you like to do? Read? Take walks? Sew? Cook? See friends? You have to get who you are as an individual back in order to heal and move forward--with or without him. Have you lost yourself in caring for others? How can you get yourself back?

(((mom2my4kiddos))))


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by BaseballMom31 at 12:45 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 255 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Topic Posts: 9

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