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User Topic: Bad Night and your thoughts
funnyguy
♂ Member
Member # 43192
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well my Dad decided to go talk to her parents about our sistuation, and man do it go bad , her parents hardly knew anything. My dad was under the impression he was doing something good . I'm acutually really mad at my dad because of it. he talked to them about the affair and her dad knew nothing , becassue she never infomed them of what was going on with us . just told them we had problems. Man it has gotten worse. Anyone have any thoughts on this ?

Posts: 119 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Ontario Canada
funnyguy
♂ Member
Member # 43192
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes I fell the light being shead and ther truth is out , its better. I hated going there all the time and them always asking whats wrong.And it sucked becasue all of my side of the family knew

Posts: 119 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Ontario Canada
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmm.

Well, that is a toughy. I'm sure your dad's heart was in the right place, even though I have NO idea why he would think talking to her parents would be a solution to anything.

OTOH - if she can't do the time, she shouldn't have done the crime.

I'd be looking at it as one less secret to keep. What's done is done. I'm not clear on your backstory - are you trying to R?


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
TheIrishGirl
♀ Member
Member # 43496
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the truth coming out is often a good thing, especially if she has been giving her parents a false impression of things. I think the manner of it happening is awkward.

Apologies if the following sounds harsh. I guess it's 2x4s, but I'm trying to use them gently if that's possible.

I find it inappropriate that your parents and her parents are so heavily involved in your marriage that they are speaking with each other about it, and that may be indicative of some underlying issues. Do her parents coddle her? Even as an adult? Are you conflict avoidant to the point that your father feels the need to do the dirty work for you?

Are you comfortable with your parents and in-laws knowing the details of your marriage and discussing it amongst themselves? Have you asked them to mentor you through these difficult times? If you've asked them for that it seems less invasive.

These seem like items that you and your WW should be talking out and figuring out. And then each dealing with your own parents to the extent you want them involved. Or maybe both talk to each set, or sit them all down together.

Or if your WW is unable to have those conversations, that is quite telling about her ability to face her demons and move on. The fact that she still works out where OM is unacceptable IMHO.


Me: 31, BW Him: 38, WH
2 children (ours) 7/11 & 3/14
D-day 4/18/14 I saw his 'other' email

Posts: 581 | Registered: May 2014
funnyguy
♂ Member
Member # 43192
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't see my dad allot and tried to keep him out of it. She only told her mom the minimal information. I love her parents and they love me, the are italian so they are very warm and huggy towards her. but now with some of the truth out I have no idea. I always hated how my side knew and hers didn't. she was suppose to go there on Monday for 30 days becasue she needs time to think and clear her mind. I believe my dads intentions where of the caring , but he assumed they knew everything, I never really even knew what she told them, so it always feels awkward going there.

Posts: 119 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Ontario Canada
funnyguy
♂ Member
Member # 43192
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel a relief in a sence that the secrete is out because , I didn't want to live the rest of my life holding that in a way .

Posts: 119 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Ontario Canada
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Um...it sounds unhealthy for parents and in-laws to be involved. This a problem between you and your W, and they can't fix it.

Is there a way you can get them to back out of your M, to listen and perhaps avise, but not to act?

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:45 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10374 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
funnyguy
♂ Member
Member # 43192
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree, but I guess its hard when they see us hurting in so many ways, and I think my parents feel I'm putting up with to much shit, I think they are right in a way , but these are my choices. He is gonna call them today to aplogize and let them know his intentions were not to hurt anyone,

Posts: 119 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Ontario Canada
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sucks that it happened like this, but it may be for the better. Affairs are like mushrooms: They like staying in the dark, and they need a lot of bullshit to live. Now that it's all out in the open, maybe the healing will be easier.

I didn't tell my family about what had happened until about six months after we separated. Only told them that we had separated because we weren't happy anymore. Once I told them, it was a huge weight off my shoulders! It also made it easier for my family to offer their full support when I needed it.

I hope this goes well for you.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2095 | Registered: Jan 2013
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can understand your frustration with your dad. Obviously I don't know the dynamics of the relationship between your parents and hers but it would feel to me like he overstepped his bounds. On the other hand your dad could have been so concerned about your welfare as a couple he thought speaking with her parents would be a way of joining together to discuss how best the group of them could support you and help you through such a terrible time in your marriage. It's just hard to know since I dont know your dad or his motivation.
You have the right as a BS to tell whoever you need to help your healing. Those in your life who do know should consider this a very personal and private thing and realize only you should be making decisions about who knows and who doesn't. If you agree with your wife that you don't want her parents to know that is your choice as a BS. You know wether them knowing could potentially disrupt healing. Family is super tricky.


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 451 | Registered: Mar 2014
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Obviously some of the unknowns were answered between the time I read your post and replied. I left it pulled up on my phone to come back to and when I did so there were not yet any responses.


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 451 | Registered: Mar 2014
funnyguy
♂ Member
Member # 43192
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do believe the healing will begin and I don't half to act happy everytime when and if if I ever go their again. I don't talk to my dad very much so this was a big surprise. My WW is very made at my dad and can't belive he did that.

Just another part of my battle ,


Posts: 119 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Ontario Canada
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really not much you can do about it now, cats out of the bag.
Hopefully things will iron out in time. I agree with the others though, parents need to respect boundaries and boundaries need to ne established by you and ww.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5134 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
trojan007
♂ Member
Member # 36960
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Funny guy your dad didn't do anything wrong your wife the one with the who had no problem cheating on me.... The one that not only cheated but let her OM humiliated you. and she knew he was threatening and terrorizing you with all those Text .... I'm sorry but fuck her....!!!!

[This message edited by trojan007 at 4:37 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 58 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Valencia, CA 91355
funnyguy
♂ Member
Member # 43192
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree 100%

Posts: 119 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Ontario Canada
isitme24
♂ New Member
Member # 43463
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Funny Guy

Sounds like your WW's parents have had the delusion that they have a perfect daughter blown up. Don't be too hard on your old man. I'm guessing his actions were coming from a place of love and concern for you. I certainly don't think everyone needs to know the details but you shouldn't have to sit in a dark room by yourself and eat shit sandwiches. If she has some splainin' to do then....tough!


Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 16

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