Topic: L conversation and future relationships...
Member # 32258
| Posted: 9:52 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014|
So my D will be final in about 10 days. The one year waited period is over and paperwork has been signed and sent to the judge.
The L told me the paperwork is not done online so even though she doesn't think it's necessary she needs to tell me that I should not get married until I have the actual document in hand. LMMFAO!!! After I picked myself up off the floor I told her that was not going to be a problem for me. She said you wouldn't believe how many people do it. They sign the paperwork and go right out and get married but because the paperwork isn't back yet the marriages are not legit. Again not even remotely a problem for me.
The point of this post is I thought about it and I honestly have no intention of ever getting married again. I see no benefit in it at all. I got out of the D relatively unscathed and sane. I do want to date again. I am not ready for a serious relationship but at some point I will be. However I am pretty sure I will not be changing my mind about getting married again. I could meet the perfect person but I wouldn't marry her. I see no purpose for the institution of marriage anymore. Maybe if I was planning on having kids again but I am not. Anyone else feel that way or am I just an outlier?
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 1:26 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]
BH = Me
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!
Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Member # 21964
| Posted: 10:20 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014|
Well fwiw, many states retroactively recognize marriages if you accidentally marry before you are divorced, your marriage will become valid from the day of your divorce. Odd little fact I apply often in my job.
But I hear you. It's hard to think in positive terms about marriage when all it brought you was lies, pain, and extreme amounts of ridiculous nonsense that made you doubt your own sanity.
That said, I'd like the chance to have a real marriage. That thing I missed out on.
"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand
Posts: 3124 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Member # 41298
| Posted: 10:58 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014|
I understand where you're coming from (especially in this day and age), but the institution doesn't scare me, just the fact I messed up the choice the first time.
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your mind
Posts: 234 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NB Canada
Member # 22870
| Posted: 11:04 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014|
I'm not opposed to marriage, with the right person.
That's a huge shift in my thoughts of even just a year ago when the thought of marriage made me break out into a cold sweat.
Progress, I think.
You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright
Posts: 7773 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Member # 34823
| Posted: 11:09 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014|
I have no intention of ever getting married again.
Been there, done that.
Turns out that I've always felt that way. Stbx came home one day years and years ago and started spouting off that if we ever got divorced he'd get married again right away (I think he'd had lots of contact with one of his OW's while he was gone)....anyway, his rant seemingly came out of nowhere.
I told him that if we ever got divorced that I would NEVER get married again <--and this took place a few years pre-Dday.
I tell people my stance and I get the whole "Oh, yes you will...you just can't see it now" -- but I seriously cannot think of many circumstances that would make me want to. The only way that I would get married again was if it made sense for some type of *logistical* reason.
"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
Posts: 8090 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 10798
| Posted: 11:16 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014|
I think marriage is great--I just won't be doing it again.
Act as if what you do matters. It does. William James
Posts: 2127 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Midwest
Member # 21896
| Posted: 11:24 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014|
I told him that if we ever got divorced that I would NEVER get married again <--and this took place a few years pre-Dday
I had this same conversation (pre-A, pre kids) with my WXH (although we were talking about remarrying if the other person passed away). He was all "I'd probably bring a date to the funeral" I contended I didn't think I'd ever remarry (and I wasn't thinking it was because I'd be so heartbroken)
Yeah, I really can't see getting remarried unless I changed my mind and decided I wanted more children (but I don't see that happening either).
[This message edited by brokeninfl at 12:43 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]
"On the other side of fear lies freedom"
Me - 36 BS
Him - doesn't matter
Posts: 1074 | Registered: Dec 2008
Member # 42092
| Posted: 11:43 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014|
You do you 7yrs
I want to get married because I want kids and a family, and I think my last choice was soooo bad that surely there is a great deal of room for improvement. But, if I had been married to him and long enough to have a family...? Hard to imagine signing up again. That said, you never know!
Sit. Feast on your life.
Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Member # 30346
| Posted: 12:33 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014|
I think this thought evolves with time.
The guys that I meet that are 3,4,5 year out can "see" getting married again. The pain fades and you can see that marriage, with the RIGHT person, can be something pretty special.
At one year out I couldn't even date yet.
me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings
Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Member # 38928
| Posted: 12:39 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014|
I have no intention of ever marrying again either, and my baby days are over so that is not an issue. However, I won't completely say no if the right situation presents itself. You never know what life will throw at you.
I had numerous conversations in the past with my mother about remarriage in the event of a death of a spouse, and I often told her I would never remarry should XPOS die before me as one marriage in a lifetime was enough for me. Divorce wasn't even on the radar at that point. I told XPOS that as well. He would just respond with something like, "No, but you wouldn't hesitate to get yourself some young pool boy."
I have no problem with having a relationship with a SO to have someone in my life to do things with (such as I have now), but like you, don't see the need for marriage. I DEFINITELY will never comingle finances again! Learned a harsh lesson with that one!
BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013
This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet
Posts: 1203 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Member # 37063
| Posted: 1:20 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014|
Not interested either. At all.
People roll their eyes at me too when I say it especially because I am still young but I really see no point whatsoever.
I will maybe someday be open to dating again. Although at 2 and a half years out from dday I have no interest in that either. My ex is particularly fucked up in the very scary evil kind of way. Not risking it again. It's not worth it. And now I'm not just risking myself, I'm risking my DS. When he's older. Maybe dating. Maybe. Never marriage.
People can label me bitter and jaded. I prefer to call it safe. Besides I am happy being single and building a good life. There's more to life than coupling.
Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
10/2013 Finally Divorced!!
Posts: 266 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 32554
| Posted: 6:39 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014|
Yeah, I laughed right in my attorney's face when he told me that I was now free to remarry. I was like, what, RUFKM??? After all I've been through? You think I'd ever willingly bind myself to another person again?
Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
Posts: 9830 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 24518
| Posted: 7:00 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014|
I've long since healed past the "oh, hell no" stage when considering getting married again. But I've also discovered that while I would marry again, I don't need to be married to be in a long-term, exclusive, committed relationship. Even though my SO and I aren't married, we have that real partnership that marriages are supposed to have. It's such a refreshing change.
Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
Posts: 12167 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
Member # 28622
| Posted: 11:22 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014|
I have no intention of ever marrying again. To some degree,this has to do with the age of my kids and the fact that I don't want to add another opinion or voice to the parenting mix.
This topic came up on a FIRST date one time. The man actually declared that he intended to marry for a 4th time, and that my unwillingness to do so, meant there would be no second date.
Sounds like you are not an outlier.
Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
Posts: 5861 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Member # 33129
| Posted: 12:29 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014|
Just 6 months ago,I was adamant that I wasn't even interested in seriously dating anyone ever again, let alone consider marriage. Never ever!
And then I met a fantastic guy who treats me so well, and here I find myself dating! Huh.
But marriage? I don't think so... Not now or anytime soon. But I guess to say never isn't reality for me. :)
divorced the Dooosh
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
Posts: 3612 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Member # 6210
| Posted: 1:01 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014|
I doubt I'd ever marry again.
I can see a committed R where we each have dinner, sleepovers, vacations, etc but no formal M. If I get into a serious R ever again (right now, not remotely a thought for me) I would like that set up, as I'm fairly independent minded. My propensity to consistently attract assholes means I am very hesitant to be legally bound again. Not worth the D headache.
Me: Tired BS.
(I frequently edit for typos)
Posts: 287 | Registered: Jan 2005
Member # 16953
| Posted: 2:50 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014|
I sincerely doubt I'll ever get M again. I like commitment and being in an honest relationship. But these days being M is not the institution it used to be. I honestly don't see the benefit of M in this current society. Aside from SS benefits I don't see the difference between being M and shacking up (legally speaking) If I'm ever blessed to find another woman who I want to spend my life with, I think I'll just live with her. Just my personal feelings of course.
You cant eat soup with chopsticks.
Posts: 5732 | Registered: Nov 2007
|Topic Posts: 17|