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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 10 Common Lies Cheaters Tell Themselves
steppingup
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found this helpful, pulled off affaircaredotcome.

1.I won’t get caught. This is probably the most absurd lie of them all but is truly the cornerstone of all the other lies. If this lie can be believed and swallowed, then the rest of them go down much easier. The truth is, you WILL get caught. It’s not a matter of if, but when. If the Director of the C.I.A. cannot conceal an affair, what makes you think you can?

2.No one will ever know. This lie is similar to the first but more in-depth in its scope. Not only will you not get caught but this is a secret you can take to your grave. After all, you have all your “bases” covered. All your alibis are solid. All your stories are straight. All your text messages deleted. All your emails erased. No one will EVER find out about it. You repeat this lie over and over until you believe it. The truth is, one day, EVERYONE will know, even if that knowledge occurs after you’re gone.

3.What they don’t know, won’t hurt them. This lie makes a lot of sense to a cheater but few cheaters would want that logic applied to them. Would you want a merchant to overcharge you for a product without your knowledge? Or worse yet, would you want a doctor to not share the diagnosis of cancer with you? I mean, if you don’t know the truth, it can’t hurt you, right? The truth is, sometimes, what people don’t know can destroy them.

4.Everybody is doing it. This is a common phenomenon in human behavior. Thieves think others are stealing because they are. In like manner, cheaters often assume others are being unfaithful because they are. Granted, adultery is rampant in our culture. But the truth is, NOT everyone is doing it. There are many faithful, loyal men and women out there – showing the rest of us what fidelity & commitment looks like.

5.It’s not that big of a deal. Downplay. Minimize. Reduce. Common tactics for someone who is playing Russian Roulette with a fully loaded pistol. If it’s not a big deal, then why all the lies? If it’s not that big of a deal, why the secrecy? If it’s not such a big deal, do it openly. The truth is, it IS a big deal and the knowledge of it will devastate everyone who knows you.

6.People already know and are ignoring it. Some of the lies sound crazy once you are living in the truth. This is one of them. There are times when you are convinced that everyone knows and they are turning a “blind eye” to your behavior. This is false anesthesia to the soul. The truth is, no one is condoning your actions. They truly don’t know…yet.

7.God will forgive me. This is a case of spiritual gymnastics. The cheater has enough knowledge of God and His word to be deadly. Yes, God will forgive all sins except unbelief (Mark 3:28-29). However, this does not mean you should presume upon His grace or forgiveness (Romans 6:15). Even if God forgives you, it does not mean you will come out unscathed by His consequences (Proverbs 6:29). The consequences for such behavior are truly devastating for everyone in your life.

8.My spouse will forgive me. Maybe they will. Maybe they won’t. Is this the risky card you really want to play? Forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation. It does not mean you will be accepted back or restored to your previous position. Forgiveness may be quick but trust will take years. You are making some dangerous assumptions about someone you are hurting.

9.I’m not getting what I need. This may be true but cheating isn’t the answer. Just because your employer does not pay what you “need” does not mean embezzling money is the answer to that dilemma. If you are not getting what you need, tell your spouse. Go to counseling. Meet with a therapist. Attend a support group. Talk to a friend. Though cheating may scratch your itch for a season, it won’t make the itch go away. There is a deeper itch beneath the surface that cheating cannot scratch. Commit to finding the proper solution for it.

10.It’s just a physical thing. Nope, wrong again. It’s an emotional thing. And a mental thing. And a spiritual thing. It may seem physical to you but your whole being is involved here (mind, body, spirit), not just one horny member of it.


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

“Whatever follows after DD is much more crucial than the infidelity action itself” Quote by SI Member Melian40

"I'm a good man, not an option" - Steppingup


Posts: 498 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*Standing up applauding* This just nails it.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 710 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
ChangeMaker
♂ Member
Member # 43899
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"It's not wrong because I was not happy in my marriage"


"Everything works if you let it." - Travis W. Redfish

DDay - June 7, 2014
Me - 43
WW - 41
DD - 6 and 3
Pulling the Plug


Posts: 351 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Ontario
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Shocked  Posted: 3:54 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

* My BS isn't in love with me anymore. He/she doesn't even like me so they won't care.

* I just need a friend. It is only someone that I know I can turn to that will understand me with no baggage or negative response.

* I want my marriage to be better.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1182 | Registered: Apr 2013
lostcovenants
♀ Member
Member # 40637
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This are great!

I heard variations on this one alot:

9.I’m not getting what I need. This may be true but cheating isn’t the answer. Just because your employer does not pay what you “need” does not mean embezzling money is the answer to that dilemma. If you are not getting what you need, tell your spouse. Go to counseling. Meet with a therapist. Attend a support group. Talk to a friend. Though cheating may scratch your itch for a season, it won’t make the itch go away. There is a deeper itch beneath the surface that cheating cannot scratch. Commit to finding the proper solution for it.


BS 60; fWH 59; 2 children, 1 grandchild; Married 37+ years, he is my only; D-day 7/8/13; Married OW, PA 2009-2011; sexting with same MOW 2012-2013. Broke it off about a week before I found out.

Update-Sexting on cheating forums 14 YEARS. Idiot me


Posts: 163 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
steppingup
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

* I want my marriage to be better.

Yeah, the sex got better when my WW was dorking the AP...she said she liked feeling sexy so she kept it up so we would have better sex,...


too bad I wasn't consulted on that executive decision.


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

“Whatever follows after DD is much more crucial than the infidelity action itself” Quote by SI Member Melian40

"I'm a good man, not an option" - Steppingup


Posts: 498 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
DOH!  Posted: 5:14 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

too bad I wasn't consulted on that executive decision

^^This...

I told my FWH

"oh I am sorry, I must have missed the memo that we could see other people."

ASININE


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1182 | Registered: Apr 2013
steppingup
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"oh I am sorry, I must have missed the memo that we could see other people."

..its so sick it almost funny...when I ask my WW if it would be ok if I dorked some OW, the answer always comes back, NO!


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

“Whatever follows after DD is much more crucial than the infidelity action itself” Quote by SI Member Melian40

"I'm a good man, not an option" - Steppingup


Posts: 498 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
atreides
♂ Member
Member # 44180
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bravo!

Most important to this thread as stated above in so many words that i quote below which is indeed a huge excuse given:

"I want my marriage to be better." or "I was not happy in my marriage"


Here is the main point. Infidelity has nothing to do with marital or spousal problems, nothing. It is an internal issue the WS must resolve for allowing an addiction to overcome themselves. They have to evaluate their boundaries/methods of coping with all aspects of life. WS don't like to hear this usually, as they are not a "bad person" so the mantra goes. While true for the long term and as a whole; however, in the moment of an A they certainly are in many aspects of their life. I will add though how awesome it is to see WS come out of it and try their best to rectify their wrong, it's just not that common i guess.

After all if things were so bad in life, why do all affairs reside in the realm of lies, deceit and manipulation? Answer, affairs have nothing to do with marital or spousal issues.

[This message edited by atreides at 5:59 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 150 | Registered: Jul 2014
totalheartbreak
♂ Member
Member # 41589
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While spot on, every single one of these makes me feel sad.
How incredibly broken they must be to believe a single justification.


Me: BH (30s)
Wayflost: WW (30s)
"Ever notice those that advocate anything for 'happiness' are perennially unhappy?"

Posts: 153 | Registered: Dec 2013
steppingup
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While spot on, every single one of these makes me feel sad.
How incredibly broken they must be to believe a single justification.

Correct, these WS are not "well", something is wrong and is why it is not enough for rugsweeping and just saying "sorry I wont do it again", which is what most of us BS get on the first of many rounds of cheating.

If it was inherent in everyone, nobody would be a BS, everyone would be a WS, and there would be no marriage just Fucking and caring not for boundries and safety in relationships, in otherwords we would simply all be Tom Cats....

and Socitey would be in the toliet.


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

“Whatever follows after DD is much more crucial than the infidelity action itself” Quote by SI Member Melian40

"I'm a good man, not an option" - Steppingup


Posts: 498 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
Branca
♀ Member
Member # 42837
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"It's only cheating if you have sex. If I'm not having sex, I'm not really cheating."


Me: BW, 36
Him: WH, 36
Married 13 years
2 children aged 9 and 5

DD #1 26 August 2013 - EA on FB and phone with a former flame OW#2 for about 8 months
DD #2 30 April 2014 - EA/PA for 10 months in 2011 with OW#1
Hoping for R


Posts: 119 | Registered: Mar 2014
notyours
♀ New Member
Member # 44142
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, September 28th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stepping up, bump bump bump. ..SI, Where's the like button!


Me: BS 30
Him: WH, 37 porn, sexting, pic sharing,& phone sex with women,+ maybe more..
2 kids, M 11 yrs, 2Gether 15yrs
Agreed to R, but doubtful and unsure if I should just move on alone.

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: NYC
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, September 28th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I wanted someone else to think I looked hot. It didn't count because you did...you are my wife, you are supposed to say I am."

Love all of them!! What an amazing world they live in!


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1642 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
SpecialK
♀ Member
Member # 42372
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, September 29th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow!

Posts: 307 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Florida
MissedRedFlags
♀ Member
Member # 43344
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, September 29th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great list


Me: BS 41
Him: WH 40
3 year LTA
DDay: June 4, 2013
Married 16 years
2 kids aged 9 & 7
Trying to decide if R is best for me

Posts: 156 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Florida
RealityBlows
♂ Member
Member # 41108
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, September 29th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I am entitled...I bust my ass for this family and my husband...This is just a little something for me."


Posts: 68 | Registered: Oct 2013
Ann2011
♀ Member
Member # 44748
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, September 29th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I heard #1, #2, #3 and #5 yesterday!


Me: BS 50ish and faithful
Him: WH 50ish and 3 EA's
Married 2011
First met: 1984
1st DD: Oct 30, 2012
2nd DD: May 30, 2014
Final DD: Aug 28, 2014

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2014
Topic Posts: 18

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