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User Topic: Back on High Alert
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What difference does it make whether it was FB or cell phone .

Your wife is having an affair brother . The sooner you face it the better off you will be.


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

facebook friends with a guy - nope
deleting messages - nope
"I would but my husband is home?" Hefty bag time.

[This message edited by rachelc at 4:04 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5324 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
mrcpu
♂ Member
Member # 38157
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm on vacation this week. 2 days from now is our 15 year wedding anniversary. I think I might pack my backpack and jump in the car and go someplace and camp out until Sunday when I have to come home and get ready for work monday morning.

I'm laying here on the bed paralyzed with a panic attack though.


D-Day 1: 22 Dec 2012
D-Day 2: 22 July 2014
Me: 40's WW: 40's Together 15 years
1st OM: ex-"Best Friend" of 30+ years

Posts: 224 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Toronto
ChangeMaker
♂ Member
Member # 43899
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

C'mon mrcpu, pick yourself up. You got shit to do.

I'm pretty new here, but it didn't take me long to figure out that the people here know what they're talking about.

Try some breathing exercises to relax, they really helped me. Just Google it up.


"Everything works if you let it." - Travis W. Redfish

DDay - June 7, 2014
Me - 43
WW - 41
DD - 6 and 3
Pulling the Plug


Posts: 362 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Ontario
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now is the wrong time to go anywhere. After what you just found out what do you think is going to happen when you leave for the week end.
If you are confident that you have everything monitored, I would lie to her, tell her you are going away, and watch for the chatter on FB or whatever she is using. Then "change your mind" , tell her you are not going, and listen again.
That will probably get you your answer. My bet is that as soon as you announce you are leaving and she is "free" there will be some contact.
Try to get your strength back and buckle the chinstrap on your football helmet. You must confront this head on or you will be having too many more panic attacks
Everyone here who has responded basically sees nothing good here.
Don't go away and surrender and make it easy for them

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
mhca
♂ Member
Member # 41920
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm laying here on the bed paralyzed with a panic attack though.

Don't be so manly that you think you have to suffer the full force of this. Antianxiety meds are cheap and effective. Just don't over-do them.

See a doc ASAP if this isn't an isolated case.


Me: BH 47 STBXWW 47 (Lklb5)
M 19 years, DS 15, DS 11
DD#1: 12/24/2013
TT/Broke NC/False R
DD#2: 4/15/2014
TT 4/23, 4/24, 5/31, 7/19
Divorcing

Sample recovery plan, feedback welcome: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=539961


Posts: 802 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
toby
♂ Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you confront..... Make sure she can't access FB. Take her out "camping" and take all her electronics away from her before you confront. If she doesn't come clean with the truth, YOU message the OM on her FB something like...."my husband found out about us...what do I do?"
From there take it far as you need to to get the truth!!!!

Your WW will not be able to warn him if she's out in the boonies with you!!!

Fuck....even if she does confess.....still message the OM as her!!!


Posts: 1546 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
mrcpu
♂ Member
Member # 38157
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With our anniversary in two days and being on vacation it's going to be really hard to act the part. She sent me a message saying she was on the way home from her mothers (stand down people, it's confirmed). Then she said she missed me and I responded "k"

She repeated her text "I said I missed you" so I said "me too". She responded "do you mean it?" but I can't bring myself to say yes.


D-Day 1: 22 Dec 2012
D-Day 2: 22 July 2014
Me: 40's WW: 40's Together 15 years
1st OM: ex-"Best Friend" of 30+ years

Posts: 224 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Toronto
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are a lot of examples on this forum of WW doing exactly the same things to overcompensate for what they know they are planning.
One wife texted her husband how much she misses him and how she couldn't wait to get home for work 48 hours before she was planning to go meet her OM for the week end. Another guy has his wife banging him every hour after he caught her with neighbor saying it was only kissing.
The fact is she did not think enough about her love for you to tell you another man called her for a booty call last night and she would have gone if she thought she could get away wit it.
I know this stinks, but it is unfortunately real.
If you use your ingenuity and smarts you can get you facts with a little deception that I have you in my last post.
I can guarantee you that your upcoming anniversary will not be in her mind when she goes to meet him if you leave for the week end. So try to set it aside for now and do what you have to do to get yourself out of this limbo she has you in.

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
mrcpu
♂ Member
Member # 38157
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's home and horny. Great.

I hate my penis sometimes. It has a mind of its own and has already shown an interest in her advances even though my brain is busy trying to stop my stomach from puking.


D-Day 1: 22 Dec 2012
D-Day 2: 22 July 2014
Me: 40's WW: 40's Together 15 years
1st OM: ex-"Best Friend" of 30+ years

Posts: 224 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Toronto
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't let your brain shut it off. Go puke. Let her see you puke. Tell her you don't feel well and then after all that you wont have to have sex.

Sorry you are going through this shit again. Try and breath.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2222 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Cordelia
♀ Member
Member # 43568
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I can say is that I regret not keeping quiet and finding my proof before blurting it all out to WS, when I still couldn't believe it was happening. Now he denies, denies, denies, several months on.
I would say keep quiet and keep watching - at least when you approach her finally you will have undeniable proof, hopefully.
I wish I had.


Me 54, WS 49
17 yrs tog, no children.
DD 4/14 - OW wrote to me

Posts: 121 | Registered: May 2014
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like Badhurt's suggestion about a little clever deception. Pack up as if you were going to leave then just before departure announce you have changed your mind and are staying. If she has arranged something she will busting ass to cancel. and thats where your monitoring comes in.

Give it a try; sometimes we have to be a little creative in order to obtain evidence.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pack up as if you were going to leave then just before departure announce you have changed your mind and are staying. If she has arranged something she will busting ass to cancel. and thats where your monitoring comes in.
great idea.

I did that once and the look on my fww face was perfect. The fact she couldn't show disappointment almost made me laugh, if it wasn't so damn serious at the time.


Posts: 4154 | Registered: Jun 2002
mrcpu
♂ Member
Member # 38157
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So there have been a couple of messages back and forth but the thing that surprises me is the lack of "intimacy". When she was having the affair with my xBFF there was "sweetness" in the messages. She would send him a "good night" or a "good morning".

None of this seems to be happening. Last night he said "Your new hairstyle is hot" while we were at the gym (She had posted pics of her hair on fb). She didn't reply for some time after we got home and said "Thank You " He said "show me more" and her response was "Can't. Busy working out" - which was a lie because we were home and she was downstairs relaxing on the sofa. He said "booo" and she said "lol" and that was the end of the conversation. About 5 min after that it was deleted with no other interaction.

This morning we had an argument because I asked her if she respected me and she said "yes, I think so". She then asked if I thought she respected me and I said "no". She got disproportionately upset. She said sometimes she acted silly but it wasn't about me. I deflected and told her I didn't understand why she was so upset because I was talking about her being at her mother's for 3 hours yesterday and not calling me or texting me to say when she got home.

I know this seems weird to say in this group, but if she was "flirting" with this guy by text and did NOT delete anything, knowing that I could see it with her password, then I would be 10% as ANGRY as I am right now because of her deleting the messages and therefore NOT in R and being a deceptive you-know-what.

Here is a question for anyone following this thread... Have you seen these nonchalant types of exchanges between your WS and OP who are "just hooking up" with no intimacy?


D-Day 1: 22 Dec 2012
D-Day 2: 22 July 2014
Me: 40's WW: 40's Together 15 years
1st OM: ex-"Best Friend" of 30+ years

Posts: 224 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Toronto
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

repeated her text "I said I missed you" so I said "me too".

Don't do that. Don't say something you don't mean to make her feel better. She is a WW better get used to the fact that hey sometimes are BS is not going to miss us or is relieved to not have to look at us is something you we must be able to handle. Boohoo you didnt say you missed her too. Tough shit. She is doing things she should not be and even if she wasnt she doesn't need to get her validation to feel better whenever she snaps her fingers. Let her see that your disgusted with her. She needs to at least attempts to understand that

[This message edited by Unagie at 1:33 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2767 | Registered: Oct 2012
totalheartbreak
♂ Member
Member # 41589
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd get a GPS device on her car, that way you can absolutely confirm.

Alternatively you could confront with "I know about [douchebag real estate turd] and have alerted his wife."

You can then monitor the reaction.

[This message edited by totalheartbreak at 12:39 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]


Me: BH (30s)
Wayflost: WW (30s)
"Ever notice those that advocate anything for 'happiness' are perennially unhappy?"
time isn't what you think it is.

Posts: 158 | Registered: Dec 2013
lovesobroken
♀ Member
Member # 43588
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She seems to have very poor boundaries even though she may not be having an affair, maybe she gets a high from the attention. She also seems to know its wrong. Maybe confirm that nothing is going on first and then have a conversation about her boundaries and what you are willing to put up with. Since she seems to like attention, turning off your attention may bring her back to you too.

Posts: 258 | Registered: May 2014
ImStillwaiting
♀ Member
Member # 12580
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is my take on it... She's opening the door for an EA with this guy, but I'm positive she feels bad because she knows it would hurt you, and that's why she is deleting it all... but she likes it too and that's why she's not shutting it down.

It's like a game. I hate to say it but it is, and she likes the attention.

Hence the non-chalant answers and the can't I'm working out.

Could they be hooking up yes... But my gut from reading what you've written is no.

If it were my FWH I would confront before it goes further.

She needs to find out why she seeks validation from anyone but you.

Don't reveal your sources I'd say you got an anonymous fb message with the screen shots so maybe she'll think it from his wife and you can continue to monitor her. Maybe she should delete fb all together if she can't be trusted.

(((mrcpu)))

[This message edited by ImStillwaiting at 12:48 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]


Me: BS/WW 29

HiM: FWH/BS 30

married:9 years

♥Kids: 8 year old DS 5 year old DD 3 year old DS♥

Dday:3/30/2006 (PA by him with 3 OW)

Dday: 5/15/2013 (EA by Me with 1 OM)

First R:4/04/06

Second R:5/15/13


Posts: 472 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: NY
TheGivingTree
♀ Member
Member # 43672
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mrcpu, I've not read any of your other threads, so I apologize if you have posted any of this previously. Is your wife in IC? Are you both in MC? It seems like your wife has some serious boundary issues going on. I don't have a clue if your wife is in an EA or PA at the moment, but know that if my FWH was doing what your wife is doing now I would be beyond pissed off. No matter what, this is not acceptable behavior from someone who is married. I think you should keep gathering evidence, using any and all means to do so. In the meantime, do you know what you want to do? Separate, D, attempt R? It might make sense to start putting your own plans in place now, so you have a firm course to follow should your suspicions be confirmed. And please get to the Dr. ASAP to get STD testing done. Take care of you first and foremost.

I am sorry you (and all the rest of us) are here and that you are hurting. Being a BS sucks, and feeling the need to monitor your WS seems like no way to live.


Me: FBW, 48. Him: SAFWH, 57 (SFGary)
3 fantastic kids: DS 16, DS 15, DD 10
DDay 1: 1/8/13, multiple DDays with TT for an entire year.

Working hard at R.
If all you wanted was love, why would you use me up, cut me down, build a boat and sail aw


Posts: 67 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: San Francisco
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