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User Topic: Back on High Alert
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your wife needs IC for one thing. As for the truth, a polygraph might be the simplest and quickest of all.

I can imagine you need to think about if any of this is worth going forward as in R.

No one answer ever seems to fit every situation.


Posts: 4290 | Registered: Jun 2002
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't you hear the entire burden while she just goes about her business. Not really sure if you got an apology at all or just denials until you showed it to her.
I still think you should out him and teach him a lesson he will never forget. He family problems are his wife's problem, not yours. Did he give a shit about the destruction that is done to your family by what he is doing . Not hardly. He either banged your wife or was trying to.
Now back to her . You can either spend a bunch of money of MC, but that is a waste without true remorse , and any woman that goes back to ironing calmly after her husband confronts her with evidence of her cheating is not ready for any MC.
She should have been on her knees begging for forgiveness and asking what she needs to do to repair the damage.
And you better go back to IT school even though you are darn good at it because her next OM will be hidden better now that she knows how god you are at it.
It takes a really brazen woman to take a phone call like that with her husband in the house . My bet is still that this was already physical based on her reaction .
You are right. You have a lot of thinking to do. You have been through this before. I'm sure it is not any easier now.
I hope you do not let her rug sweep this or try to blame you.
You are living with a woman who is unhappy enough or broken enough to not be deterred from ripping your world apart
We all have a threshold for absorbing pain. It's a matter of she you reach yours

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His responses to "your wife" indicate one of two possibilities:

Either he suspected he was speaking to you or he was reaffirming the response he and your wife had rehearsed in case caught to let "her" know that he intended to stick to it.

It just doesn't make sense to keep telling someone who was there that "nothing happened". She would already know that if "nothing happened" so why keep saying it unless his response is designed to remind her of an agreed response if caught or a response to you if you hijacked her page.

In my experience, if it doesn't make sense, it's probably bullshit.

ETA: The chats between "your wife" and the OP were a real trigger for me and that's why I believe he suspects something. In my case, the OW's husband emailed my husband to ask questions and my husband's responses reminded me of the guy's responses to you. In our case, my husband knew it was the OW's husband but he kept saying "What did she tell you because we didn't do anything?" "She told you I slept on the couch, right?" When the husband forwarded me the emails between my husband and him (my husband had deleted them all), I felt nauseous. I believe my husband's responses would have sounded just like the OM in your situation if he had been speaking to the OW or if he suspected he was speaking to the OW's husband through her account.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 2:33 PM, July 28th (Monday)]


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4265 | Registered: Sep 2005
mrcpu
♂ Member
Member # 38157
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to DEMAND a timeline of when this all started, how he got her number and why she gave it to him, and what she is going to do to insure no contact

I got a partial time line but I expect it to take some time. Last time I had 450 messages to relate to. This time I have nothing. I will have to deal with the TT.

Some of you would ask if it's worth even bothering. At the very least, every day I'm home with my kids and not paying child support is a good day.


D-Day 1: 22 Dec 2012
D-Day 2: 22 July 2014
Me: 40's WW: 40's Together 15 years
1st OM: ex-"Best Friend" of 30+ years

Posts: 224 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Toronto
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's a quick easy wayvto get the timeline. Tell her she does not leave the house until it's done. And tell her she better make sure that if she takes a lie detector test it will hold up .
Bothering is one thing. Bothering means using everything at your disposal to find out.
And filing for D does nothing for many months to take you from your kids unless she lets that happen. In which case it would have happened anyway with a lot more hurt for you .
Her coolness through this other than anger at you makes this more than ominous.

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
mrcpu
♂ Member
Member # 38157
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In a divorce I would expect some sort of joint custody but in the end I would be giving her $2000 a month and the freedom to screw around while I lived in squalor seeing my kids on a schedule.


D-Day 1: 22 Dec 2012
D-Day 2: 22 July 2014
Me: 40's WW: 40's Together 15 years
1st OM: ex-"Best Friend" of 30+ years

Posts: 224 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Toronto
toby
♂ Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like how you handle the confrontation!!!! Perfect.

Now, to weed out the lies. Your WW had this OM phone number in her contacts as a different name? You need her phone records to find out if they were texting/sexting through cell phones!! Her old phone should have those texts saved. You can extract them even if they have been deleted. PM me and I'll show you how.

Polygraph is my preferred weapon. Nothing else gets you a confession faster than the just threat!!! But still follow through.


Posts: 1558 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Understand divorce is not good. Is it better wondering when she will find her next fuck buddy. She likes the excitement

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
wk55hn
♂ Member
Member # 44159
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I confronted her and of course she tried to deny and downplay. I told her I was going to out him on Facebook in our community and left the laundry room.
I poked my head in and watched and she seemed oddly calm. She would iron a bit and then look at her Facebook wall on her phone. I waited and watched to see if she texted him but she didn't.

Boy, she was cool as a cucumber. It doesn't seem like she's afraid of divorce.

How was she while you chatted with him online?


Posts: 522 | Registered: Jul 2014
wk55hn
♂ Member
Member # 44159
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her coolness through this other than anger at you makes this more than ominous.

She seems to have achieved indifference.


Posts: 522 | Registered: Jul 2014
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mrcpu

Just wanted to see how you are doing. I hope you have not just decided to let her do what she wants because of POSSIBLE D consequences.

I would ask myself if i were you "Am I a happy camper" living with someone i cannot trust further than I can throw her.

You do not need to actually go through with D to see if her coolness is because she is checked out.
So far you have not seen ANY sorrow other than you interrupted her party.

Are you afraid that if you mention D that she will say OK. if she does that, you will know you made the right choice because you could expect more of the same.

Hope you are OK.


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She seems to have achieved indifference.
People that have learned the craft of lying can do that even while trembling inside.

Posts: 4290 | Registered: Jun 2002
toby
♂ Member
Member # 10337
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Am I the only one feels that mrcpu's WW wanted to get caught in this "flirting" affair? It's like...she wants out, but is to cowardly to "pull the trigger" appropriately.

Like others have pointed out, her reaction at confrontation was just.....weird!

Mrcpu, is your WW aware that you don't want to D because of the financial support you will have to pay?


Posts: 1558 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Texas
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did you handle the last affair? Did she go to IC? Did you both go to MC? IIRC, you allowed limited contact with OM, because his kids and your kids were friends. Does her family know? Yours?

I'm just wondering if her indifference is because she doesn't expect the consequences to be too difficult to deal with.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7913 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
mrcpu
♂ Member
Member # 38157
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Going to try aND answer a few of your posts in one here.

So she finally broke down. I think it took time and my anger and cold shoulder for things to sink in. For her to realize that this chat IS something, not "nothing happened" like he tried to say. She finally realized she lost all the trust and respect I had rebuilt with her.

She wrote an apology letter to the BS of the OM. She couldn't write any NC letter to the OM because he blocked both of us. I'm OK with leaving it at that as she knows any contact with him is out of the question.

The OM is still a shitting himself afraid. His wife had it out with him with his pastor to back her up.

I can't guarantee anything but I doubt very much he will ever crop up in our lives again.

As for the last time, her family knows but I don't want mine to know. I talked to some of her family about this time as well. We have done MC but obviously we need more.


D-Day 1: 22 Dec 2012
D-Day 2: 22 July 2014
Me: 40's WW: 40's Together 15 years
1st OM: ex-"Best Friend" of 30+ years

Posts: 224 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Toronto
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad this OM seems to have his hands full right now. Problem is you still have a wife who was already in another affair that would have probably turned PA this week while the kids were gone.
Under duress, she did what was necessary for NC for now.
He is not your problem.

Unfortunately , he is not the only one out there and your wife was on the prowl. How you deal with that is major issue. It obviously did not work since last time

How long you want to be on " high alert" ?

That's the question I think you need to answer.


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
mrcpu
♂ Member
Member # 38157
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Things have settled back down. I got her fully onto my iPhone and cell plan so I have a bit more visibility into her texting and I'm continuing to run recording on her Facebook chat.

I doubt she will re-offend for a while at least. As for the future, who knows. I've become somewhat apathetic. I don't know if this is a normal defense mechanism that others have found.


D-Day 1: 22 Dec 2012
D-Day 2: 22 July 2014
Me: 40's WW: 40's Together 15 years
1st OM: ex-"Best Friend" of 30+ years

Posts: 224 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Toronto
Badhurt
♂ Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, August 26th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mrcpu

Glad you have for now got things under control but it is obvious with good reason you are still watching . Looks like you have phone handled but if I were you I would put a key logger on that computer. Everything is not do e on Facebbook chat.
Your wife was totally unremorseful when initially confronted and there is no doubt that EA, if that is all it was, was close to turning into PA. She was on the prowl.You know that and what has she done to figure out why and convince you she is all in and not just biding her time.
I strongly advise against being apathetic . It has been only a month since she was taking phone calls at midnight from another man with you n the house and encouraging him for more.
The DDays usually do not come when you expect them and being apathetic is not being protective to yourself.
I think your wife is a stay at home Mom with a lot of free time during the day while you are at work.
Given she is probably well aware you are watching her phone and how you have caught her, I would be real alert that her next step is not Ashley Madison or something like it. Very discreet and every woman that can read knows about it and how easy a fee clicks can have a dozen men begging to hook up with her.
Be careful buddy. Do not want to see you back on JFO


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
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