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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What if...
♀ Member
Member # 43247
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, my husband would have not stopped anything if I would not have caught her text that day. He told me that it was dwindling down anyway, but after looking at the phone bill, it definitely wasn't. I suppose he thought he would never be caught since I believed all the lies that he was telling me for so many months (which were plausible at the time, unfortunately).

I would have felt (a tiny) bit better if he would have realized everything that he was putting on the line and stopped when things got out of hands.

But I got some control (and a power kick) on the situation when I sent her a "back-off, he's married to me" email. And she actually listened.

BH: me (40)
WH: him (45)
5 kids
Married for 20 years

My husband had an EA with a co-worker last year. Then I caught a text. And the rest is history.

Posts: 179 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Texas
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for the group. How many of you think your WS would have eventually stopped cheating if they had not been caught? I vote a big no.

My wayward, when asked on dday if he would have stopped if NOT CAUGHT said "no". When asked how long he planned on conducting the affair he said: "for as long as she was interested"

He now denies ever saying those words, but that type of dday amnesia is typical of waywards, I have been told by my IC.

I know he said those words because they were painfully seared into my memory.

I guess the bigger picture is, will a cheater always have the urge to cheat? Does getting caught usually (or ever) cure them?

I wish I had the answer to that.

Based on what I read, some are cured after getting caught, others go underground, and some just lay low until the spouse trusts again, and the next opportunity to make of fool of their spouse arises again.

How do we know which one our spouses are?

I wish I Knew the answer to that.

ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1392 | Registered: May 2014
♂ New Member
Member # 40424
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


BS:Me 45
WS:Her 43
DD 20
DS 17
Married June 29th, 1991
DDay's: 03/20/2001, 07/25/2007, 03/16/2009 False R through all of them.
I stayed anyway.
Sent her packing June 1st, 2010.
Divorce Final 12/21/2011. Best day of my life.

Posts: 28 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: PNWDad
♂ Member
Member # 42867
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question for the group. How many of you think your WS would have eventually stopped cheating if they had not been caught? I vote a big no.

The A would have stopped. It was already starting to die, though it wouldn't have gone quietly into that good night, the intensity was going to ramp up as it went into its death throes.

The real part of the Q I don't know the answer to. Would she have cheated again if I hadn't found out? She would say no. But if nothing changed about either our M or her, I have to believe that a repeat is not only possible, but likely.

I'm glad I found out. WW is glad I found out. OBW is glad I found out. OM is, well, a POS predator who will have to wait a few years before repeating his behavior yet again.

No matter how painful, life either adapts or it dies.

BH (Me) 49
WW 48
Married 1985
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R

Posts: 235 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Getting caught doesn't fix anything which is why words are meaningless for a cheater and they will lie again if they believe they are justified to do so. What keeps a cheater from continuing to cheat or from cheating in the future is a fix of the real problems behind the cheating.

This is long and difficult work which explains why they used a horrible coping tool (cheating) instead of addressing the issue directly. In fact I'd put $on it that most cheaters are oblivious to what the problems driving their behaviors really are. Unfortunately.

So the behavior won't stop until the actual problems are resolved. Getting caught means nothing.

DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.

Posts: 1895 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 25
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