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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Working on me in hopes to get her.
SorryInSac
♂ Member
Member # 44108
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello again my friends of SI. Although the fate of my marriage is not chiseled in stone, I have to hold the on to the hope that it may yet be saved.
After what I did, and my newly realized addiction to porn, I have a lot to work ahead of me to regain her trust and respect. I know this is a long and difficult road ahead of me, but the destination is more than worth the effort.
I am doing what she is asking of me. I have become transparent, and dropped any social site with the exception of this one. I am seeking professional help, and try to examine myself daily.
We have talked, and continue to improve our communication.
However, the anger and resentment still surface, and the hate and distrust are once again against me. This happened just yesterday. I was not feeling well, and was laying on the bed when she got home. She took that as my not caring to work on what I had said I would and I felt like I had just gone back to square one. How can I get through everyday life without the threat of losing ground like this?


Me - 47-PoS
BW Gabybaby. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

Posts: 61 | Registered: Jul 2014
sorrowfulmate
♂ Member
Member # 43441
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


We have talked, and continue to improve our communication. However, the anger and resentment still surface, and the hate and distrust are once again against me
.

Yeah, and it will surface again and again. Its a cycle of a few steps ahead a few back.

I think you said you got the book "Not just friends" Read it and re-read it. Think of it as a text book on building up your boundaries.

This happened just yesterday. I was not feeling well, and was laying on the bed when she got home. She took that as my not caring to work on what I had said I would and I felt like I had just gone back to square one.

Part of building trust is doing what you will say you will do even when you are feeling bad. Right now you are the Betrayer, but you also are the healer.

I don't know if you have this book yet but get it. Its a quick read:

http://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

She has another book that is more in your face, and more religious based which is very good. I printed out the ebook version of it and have read it twice.

http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/Mini-Books.html#anchor_128

How can I get through everyday life without the threat of losing ground like this?

You have to push through it. Its is how it is. Some days you feel like everything you have done has been swept away. You just breath deeply and start again.

Remember you are not the only one going through this.


Me-WS 50
Her-BS 50 Questioningall
5 kids
Dday 1 12/12
Dday 2 - 3/14 EAs, 2 ONS, 1 LTA
TT until 7/14 when I gave a timeline
"Good night, Sorrowful. Good work. Sleep well. I can always divorce you in the morning." Dread BW Roberts

Posts: 176 | Registered: May 2014
MegM
♀ Member
Member # 34941
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear SorryInSac

I saw on your other thread that you are reading "How to help my spouse heal from my affair" We have not read it but have seen many recommendations for it here in SI.

In answer to your question: " How can I get through everyday life without the threat of losing ground like this?" I can only say that it is very early days - there will not be "everyday life" for a long time.

The journey after infidelity towards healing and reconciliation is very long. It doesn't provide for 'sick days' or 'annual leave' - well not for quite some time.

That is the long term reality of a choice to betray our marriages and ourselves.

Commitment to healing within your marriage as the wayward spouse means where ever possible elevating yourself above your own immediate comfort needs - digging deeper within you resources - and applying everyone of them to your quest to understand your choices and build resilience against making them again. Also in the early months it also means being concerned with all the things that ensure your spouse feels safe, heard and valued.

A question for you - how unwell were you? Could you not have laid down AND done some journaling or letter writing or reading?

If you say you will do something - you need to do it - or every time you don't will demonstrate that you are not good for your word. Simple.
best wishes to you both.

Meg

[This message edited by MegM at 10:31 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]


BS / fWS me 41 (@ DDay)
WS / BS him 39-BlindFreddy (@DDay)
My DD's 13 Jan 2012 / 29 Jan / 27 Feb (Trickle truth for 5 wks)
His DDay Dec 2003 (details 06/12)
Married
3 ch(6 - 16 at discovery)
remembering "Sunshine on my shoulders"

Posts: 634 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Australia
SorryInSac
♂ Member
Member # 44108
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you sorrowful, I will take a look. And I fully understand that I am not alone in going through this, she got the worst end of this stick.


Me - 47-PoS
BW Gabybaby. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

Posts: 61 | Registered: Jul 2014
SorryInSac
♂ Member
Member # 44108
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you very much Meg. As for how unwell was I, that is one of the things I am really trying to uncover. Why did I do what I did? What in my mind said it was ok? These are questions on my list, along with others. And thank you for the well wishes, greatly appreciated. I am prepared to do what it takes to win her back.


Me - 47-PoS
BW Gabybaby. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

Posts: 61 | Registered: Jul 2014
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 1:01 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry, have you checked out recoverynation.com? It's totally free. BUT you have to do this for YOU. If she's standing by you in the end, that's great. If not, you'll STILL be better off for it.

We did the program in 2010 and our d-day was in 2007 and we're still together, stronger than ever.

[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 1:35 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 11663 | Registered: Mar 2008
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:50 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she's standing by you in the end, that's great.

I'm glad that you are doing so much to try and understand yourself and your role in this betrayal. I wouldn't be expecting her to bring you chicken soup when you're sick just now. The aforementioned "end" is YEARS from now. Years. There is no quick fix - not today, not this week, not this month.

Something that I've seen in terms of remorseful FWS behavior that has dramatically increased the potential success of R is letting go of the moment to moment victimhood. "But I was perfect TODAY." "I brought her roses TODAY." "I told him he was my universe TODAY" followed by "Why isn't anything I'm doing getting appreciation?" is absolutely toxic to the recovery of the marriage. For now.

It's going to be a shit ton of thankless work, because the person who depended on you doesn't HAVE a heart to love you with right now. It's a puddle of goo she holds in her hands as she tries to make sense of her new surroundings.

You are making great progress. Be proud of your work. Be humble to Gaby and have no expectations of her other than her willingness to explore working this out with you. THAT is the prize, and it's more than some WS's get offered.

You can do this. Time to get authentic.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 1:51 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]


I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown

Posts: 17284 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 5:08 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great advice. And when you read highlight, underline, absorb. Make it count. When you're done with with one book start the next. Keep the lines of communication wide open. If you read many posts from BSs a chief complaint is that their WS is more reactive than proactive when it comes to communication.
It can make a huge difference if you, as the WS, are a conversation starter and not just one who responds or participates when SHE brings something up. You should be all the time considering how she is feeling, how your infidelity affected her life today (as in each new day), what she had to deal with emotionally just to make it through said day. Believe me, it goes way beyond the scope of anything you could imagine. There are so many peripherals to this kind of betrayal...(tarnished memories, body issues, self esteem issues, triggers from just about every direction, times of year that become painful...to name just a few) So what I'm saying is, YOU approach her. YOU start conversations. Be consistent about doing so. You can ask her questions like:
-Did you have any triggers today? How did that feel? What was your thought process as that was happening?
-Has there been anything specific today that your mind has been stuck on or mulling over a lot? Can we talk about it?
-I want to help you the way you need to be helped. I know that sometimes can change from moment to moment. I hope to get better at noticing the small cues but while I'm learning can do you feel comfortable sharing when you need something specific from me?
-As you read from, for example, How to Help Your Spouse Heal, bring up topics you've just read. Talk to her about YOUR thoughts and impressions. Ask her hers and compare notes. She needs to hear your mind is churning and working and absorbing and processing. She needs to know that what you're reading is impacting you in a way that makes you more safe for her.
-Apologize often and apologize specifically. While 'I'm sorry for causing you so much pain' is appreciated, you should be more specific in some of your apologies. For example: I'm so sorry I tainted the memory of xyz for you because now you know I was cheating at that time. I hate that I have taken that happy memory and changed it to be something else. Or...i'm so sorry you are seeing your body as something to be embarrassed about now because of my perverse actions. I hate that I have done this to you. It is a terrible thing that you feel uncomfortable in your own skin hecause of me. I want to fix that for you so badly. You do not deserve that.
etc. etc. I hope you get the idea. Don't just do it once in a while. Be consistent.
Keep working and keep communicating. Safeguard yourself in any and every way you can to keep yourself from going back to those behaviors that imploded your M.


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 451 | Registered: Mar 2014
lovemywife4ever
♂ Member
Member # 42834
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Read and read more. I just started and it may be too late since she's been begging me to read from the beginning. Don't delay because there is great information to be found.


Me-WS
Her-BS (deena04)
Upper 30s and kids at home (hers/mine/ours)
Cheater-me 2.5 years into relationship, 2 months before engagement, 1.5 year before M

Posts: 143 | Registered: Mar 2014
SorryInSac
♂ Member
Member # 44108
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ThoughtIKnewYa-- Thank you, she actually found it and we are giving it a shot.
Jrazz-- I totally get it, thank you
FixYou-- Great advice, thanks
Lovemywife-- will do

[This message edited by SorryInSac at 9:29 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]


Me - 47-PoS
BW Gabybaby. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

Posts: 61 | Registered: Jul 2014
SorryInSac
♂ Member
Member # 44108
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since I have been here, I have been told to dig. I can only dig so far. I don't remember things. I was told that if I really wanted to, I would remember. That does not work in my case. I have had multiple concussions, I only remember a couple childhood memories. Anything I remember, or think I remember, I have the dates wrong, sometimes in years. People I went to school with know me, but I don't know them. So my question is, with a memory like mine, how do I dig?


Me - 47-PoS
BW Gabybaby. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

Posts: 61 | Registered: Jul 2014
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi SorryInSac - A big part of the digging process involves digging into your most recent actions and the thought processes surrounding them. A lot of it has to do with asking yourself the question 'why', regarding what you did or what you were thinking when you did these things. As soon as you have your answer, turn it into another question, and ask yourself why you were thinking and/or feeling that. Try to dig through several layers. It will probably take awhile to start feeling like you are hitting some solid rock.

I don't have any personal experience with memory loss and concussions, but I think you can dig, despite those obstacles. Keep at it.

Best of luck.


Posts: 7017 | Registered: Dec 2010
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your work at recoverynation will guide you through that. It will take you through it step-by-step.

Posts: 11663 | Registered: Mar 2008
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sac

When I started this process, I only had 8 childhood memories. I am up to 20+ now. So when I say "You have to want to remember" that is exactly what I mean. You will have to stop and meditate on it. When you find something write it down. You do not have to get it right the first time. You can adjust your timeline as things become more clear.

for myself, I dig and process that level. And then peel that layer and dig deeper. sometimes I sit at that layer for 1-2 weeks for processing. But then peel it and look deeper. This will be a long process. You will have to commit to yourself to complete it.

Keep working. keep fighting, keep digging.


Moving from Jekyll the destroyer to Jekyll the rebuilder.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women


Posts: 598 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Poking my head in briefly (with SiS's permission).

I can vouch that his memory problems are very real and very long-standing.
His parents and siblings told me about migraines he had as a child that left half his body paralyzed for hours- he doesn't remember them. He's had multiple head injuries as well (car accidents, etc).

I can ask SIS to grab something for me from downstairs (as he goes to refill his drink). He'll go down, putter around, then come back up with his refilled glass, but not the item I asked for. It totally slipped his mind.
His long-term memory is spotty, his short-term memory is very bad. If he weren't holding his drink glass, he'd likely forget what he'd gone downstairs for in the first place.

I know that sometimes waywards are taken to task because they don't "want" to remember, but SIS truly doesn't have the physical ability to remember a lot of things.

Thanks for your help. (Stepping out again).

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 9:52 AM, July 25th (Friday)]


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6440 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Gaby


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4852 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
wishicouldredo
♀ New Member
Member # 43623
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As Jrazz said:
The aforementioned "end" is YEARS from now. Years. There is no quick fix - not today, not this week, not this month.

This is also huge:

Something that I've seen in terms of remorseful FWS behavior that has dramatically increased the potential success of R is letting go of the moment to moment victimhood. "But I was perfect TODAY." "I brought her roses TODAY." "I told him he was my universe TODAY" followed by "Why isn't anything I'm doing getting appreciation?" is absolutely toxic to the recovery of the marriage.

the person who depended on you doesn't HAVE a heart to love you with right now. It's a puddle of goo she holds in her hands as she tries to make sense of her new surroundings.

It's easy to get frustrated but important to also remember that she didn't have a say or a choice to be put in this place and feeling what she is - you put her here.

After what I did, and my newly realized addiction to porn, I have a lot to work ahead of me to regain her trust and respect. I know this is a long and difficult road ahead of me, but the destination is more than worth the effort.

Realizing this is important and it's just as important to keep remembering it.

Best of luck SiS, keep up the good fight


"I'm not where I need to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be."

"Feelings are just visitors, let them come and go." - Mooji


Posts: 40 | Registered: Jun 2014
SorryInSac
♂ Member
Member # 44108
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all, I am going to try working on that onion, and peel back the layers. I have a couple ideas to try and help me get to where I need to be, and all the advice you have given helps. I will be checking in here on SI regularly.


Me - 47-PoS
BW Gabybaby. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

Posts: 61 | Registered: Jul 2014
SorryInSac
♂ Member
Member # 44108
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am trying to figure out what onion to try to peel back first, anger, the porn, or the depression. I am sure they are all tied in with each other at some point.


Me - 47-PoS
BW Gabybaby. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

Posts: 61 | Registered: Jul 2014
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 4:19 AM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I work on many different things at the same time. Start with your depression. And when you hit a block shift to anger. But eventually you will find them all connecting together.


Moving from Jekyll the destroyer to Jekyll the rebuilder.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women


Posts: 598 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 20

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