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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How many warnings do I give?
LostButInLove
♀ New Member
Member # 43926
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH has become a flat unresponsive pain in my a##. He doesn't talk. He doesn't communicate. All the things I need him to do, he's not doing! He doesn't make me feel safe, just the opposite! I've gotta make a decision. School starts soon. If I'm gonna seperate, I've gotta do it pretty quickly. I've told him that I need some kind of visible effort on my reconciliation contract or I'm leaving. My reconciliation contract he still hasn't signed. Still I get nothing. My question is, do I owe him another warning shot? Do I tell him again that I need some kind of visible effort on his part to convince me to stay. I've been reading "Love Must Be Tough". Dr Dodson says leave. I guess I'm just so scared to seperate. I know I need to, I just don't know how. He does nothing to make me feel safe. Still shutting his phone off as soon as I step in the room. I guess I may be answering my own question. Just never wanted to be a single mom again. It's gonna crush my babies. I'm taking any and all answers at this point. Thanks guys. I thank God this group is here.

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Far from home
What2Do76
♀ Member
Member # 30349
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You owe him absolutely NOTHING. He sounds horrible and he hasn't even tried to reconcile. Please don't waste your life on a jerk like this. How many babies do you have? Hugs.


D-Day 11/20/10
Love Is Not Constantly Wondering If You Are Making the Biggest Mistake of Your Life

Posts: 379 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ontario
Schadenfreude
♂ Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A cardinal rule here is no reconciliation without remorse. Unless you agree to his rug sweeping plan which is what he wants to do.

Have you studied the 180? Healing Library above Dr Phil in its FAQ section.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've told him that I need some kind of visible effort on my reconciliation contract or I'm leaving. My reconciliation contract he still hasn't signed. Still I get nothing

If you want him to take notice you need to take action. You told him what the consequences would be, you now need to follow through ~ leave, or make him leave.

Why did R work for us? Because I my WH wanted it more. Read my tag line...HE put 200% (as he should!) into it. Every. Single. Day.

It is very scary but with or without him you need to believe that you will be fine.

(((Lost)))

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 11:18 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2133 | Registered: Nov 2011
SMSA925
♀ Member
Member # 43955
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry things are not working. You cant be in R alone, he needs to do the work. IMHO, sounds like he doesnt want R but he wants you to make the decision. He is a coward. Are you in MC? Perhaps he needs to hear it from someone else.


Me: BS; 55
Him: WH 61
Together 32 yrs, Married 20
DDay April 17, 2014

Posts: 138 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Phila. PA
mhca
♂ Member
Member # 41920
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The number of warnings is entirely up to you. I gave several. I could have given zero and still been on the side of the angels.

Infidelity is a breach of the marital contract. The BS gets to decide whether to walk. Warnings are at the discretion of the BS based on his or her interests.


Me: BH 47 STBXWW 47 (Lklb5)
M 19 years, DS 15, DS 11
DD#1: 12/24/2013
TT/Broke NC/False R
DD#2: 4/15/2014
TT 4/23, 4/24, 5/31, 7/19
Divorcing

Sample recovery plan, feedback welcome: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=539961


Posts: 852 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 3:49 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like you've given him plenty of opportunity to come through and he has failed to man up each time. Other poster is right. There can be no R without true remorse. True remorse brings action with it. Actions that are attempts to repent and make ammends, and, in the case of infidelity, to help the BS heal. While all BSs must work on themselves for healing, if the goal is R, healing TOWARD the WS cannot happen without him doing a lot of heavy lifting and doing it consistently for a long long time. What requirements were in your contract? Right now it sounds like you need to detach. He may or may not wake up and see the error of his ways. He may or may not have what it takes to go the distance. You cannot control that but you can protect yourself and treat yourself with ďignity and respect. You obviously deserve much better than this.
Remember that nothing is final until it is. Even if you decide now to leave, to detach, things could look very different six months from now and you can reroute then if you want to. You are in control.
(((Lost))).


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 471 | Registered: Mar 2014
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The amount of time you give is up to you.

With what you have posted I don't see him doing anything for you.

I've told him that I need some kind of visible effort on my reconciliation contract or I'm leaving.

Well he has done nothing, but you haven't left. One of the most important things to do is follow through on what you say...you cannot draw a line in the sand and continually erase it and draw a new one. It shows him he can walk all over you and that you are just throwing threats around.

Sit with this, think about what you need and give him a date to have these things implemented. If the date comes and you see nothing either leave or hefty bag his shit to the curb.

Let him know you will be fine with or without him and you will NOT put your life on hold while he figures out his.

You are important and your life matters, don't let him talk you into wasting it.

(((hugs)))


ďAnd the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossomĒ
AnaÔs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
kate0421
♀ Member
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just as you say you need visual evidence of his contract, maybe he does too (assuming it says you will leave if he doesn't changes in the ways you have asked for)


ME: BS
HIM: WS
Together over 10yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 280 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Florida
needfriendshere
♀ Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, it is true that the amount of time you give him, as well as the number of warnings, is up to you. But, if you actually take steps toward separation (or divorce) and he still does nothing to make you feel safe and loved, or to show remorse for your pain, then you will have your answer. It feels so harsh to type the words to you, but it is true and you deserve truth.

If you begin the process of leaving him and he still is distant, cold, shutting his phone the second you enter the room, etc., then his heart is not in it and you will ultimately be better off. To give you hope if R is your ultimate goal, sometimes the actual thought of your leaving "him" is the wake-up call he needs to remove the blinders and face up to what he has done and needs to do to win you back. I wish you luck and hope your get your heart's desire through this. Your monicker - LostButinLove - speaks volumes about where YOUR heart is...

(((LostButInLove)))


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 445 | Registered: May 2014
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can't be in reconciliation when there is only one person who is reconciling. I think there are very few people who are reconciling and even fewer who have truly reconciled. If he is not doing the work, not being responsive, and doesn't communicate then he is not in reconciliation with you. Frankly, with the shutting off the phone it sounds more like he is still with someone else.


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1323 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have to consider his utter lack of action to be a passive/aggressive way for him to force you to end the marriage instead of him.

I'd call it.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6643 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 12

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