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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: After all that we conquered, back where we started?
Neverwudaguessed
♀ Member
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At almost eleven months out, I feel like my Wh and I have worked through a lot of the affair issues. Of course there is still an occasional question, and certainly triggers big time, but the intensity of the questions is lessened and the understanding of the things that led to my Wh's brokenness and his ability to have the affairs is clearer than ever. I see so much progress in his ability to share his emotions and he is working hard to maintain the connection we have finally established after 20 years together. We both are. We are in the middle of affair season and I have had two really tough days, but for the most part, I am doing better than I expected so far....

But now were are at the point where we fight about "regular" issues; in other words, things that have nothing to do with the affair, and I am so very disappointed, and filled with despair right now. If I am angry, I let him know what has made me upset or angry. He responds with a short, that's not what I meant or well, you did blah, blah, blah, and I find myself trying to re-explain or clarify by changing the words slightly in an effort to get him to understand my pov. He then says that he is "done," the conversation is going nowhere because it is circular as I am repeating myself and actually refuses to work through the issue. He says that he is frustrated, at his limit and my repeating things is a trigger. I feel like if he responds to my initial statement or question and I am not satisfied, he shuts off and the "I am done" is a way to control things or something, I don't know. After all the work, I thought he would have been able to express himself without choosing to shut down. I am sure that he feels the same way about my repeating myself. Not sure that this dynamic will be able to be fixed; after so much work, how can we be right back where we started?
We are in MC, and will be taking this to her again tomorrow. I am not sure that this can be fixed. Any insights appreciated.


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 642 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
BrokenheartedWif
♀ Member
Member # 40955
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you are no longer seeing a marriage councilor or have never seen one, I would highly recommend going to one you are both comfortable with to learn how to communicate in a constructive manor. His saying I'm done, will most likely cause you a lot more damage; since it another form of escaping from reality.


He claims he loved me the whole time of his LTA. I'm not sure I'll survive his kind of love.

Posts: 70 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Central IN
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What about writing it out. Instead of verbally talking about something that is so obviously upsetting, try writing it out on paper or in an email. Perhaps after he's read it, a day or two later, you could try revisiting the conversation. I have found that sometimes there is a knee-jerk reaction to a situation and either myself or WS won't even try to see the other side. But if it's read, you tend to put your own intonation on it, and often take a few hours to think about it and digest. This way, you might open yourself up to it having a different meaning. Not the one you picked on immediately. KWIM?


And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1318 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs)))

R is tough to navigate but at some point the 2 of you need to start addressing the marriage issues.


At almost eleven months out, I feel like my Wh and I have worked through a lot of the affair issues

Dealing with the A stuff doesn't magically make the M stuff go away, kwim? MC takes time and 11 months seems like forever, but you are just starting to get the A feelings under control.

When you begin to work through M issues, communication problems, FOO (IC is good for that) you open up the closets to the past. You need to deal with it and learn a new way to navigate marriage together.

It gets easier and if you continue to grow and heal together you will find the little spats and insignificant problems are no longer there, or when they come up they are dealt with easily and painlessly.

Watch your frustration level, shelf arguments for MC that you cannot get through right now together, the MC can help the two of you untangle the knots between the miscommunication.

You can do this...give yourself and him a break....it's exhausting and the 1 year mark is hard. Year 2 starts some real work that looks daunting but becomes very rewarding.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3845 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yeah, after survival year and the BS starts to feel safe enough to delve into other issues, that's where it can get tricky.

I like the writing down thing. I sounds to me like your husband gets flooded - physiologically too emotional and his body starts to shut down and he becomes defensive. HE needs to learn to recognize when this is happening. I wonder if there is a way the issues can be broken up into smaller chunks? It is frustrating because I can talk for hours but hubby cannot. But it sounds like to me that this happens to your husband right away. Is he in IC?

Gottman has some great books on this phenomenon and how to navigate it. You're creating a new marriage and damn, it's hard work. Two steps forward one step back kind of thing.

hugs!


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5242 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Neverwudaguessed
♀ Member
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Devastated30: I do like the idea of writing it out; I think I can do that. thank you for the suggestion.

Karmahappens:

Dealing with the A stuff doesn't magically make the M stuff go away, kwim? MC takes time and 11 months seems like forever, but you are just starting to get the A feelings under control.

I do know that dealing with the affair stuff does not make the marriage stuff go away. Those issues though were so related to his being shut down, and disconnected etc., that I felt so sure that since he was working so hard on that, understanding how his childhood and foo issues made him shut down, build up walls, and withdraw from the hard stuff, that this refusal to work through conflicts by using the blanket statement that he his done would extinguish itself. To see it still alive and well is so incredibly disappointing that I have begun to feel hopeless. Our marriage counselor does know that this dynamic exists and she has suggested that we wait to bring these things to her in session, and I guess that is my fault because I don't have the patience to wait. That is on me for sure.

Rachelc:

sounds to me like your husband gets flooded - physiologically too emotional and his body starts to shut down and he becomes defensive. HE needs to learn to recognize when this is happening. I wonder if there is a way the issues can be broken up into smaller chunks? It is frustrating because I can talk for hours but hubby cannot.

He claims that he cannot do it anymore, when we have just gotten started. His tolerance is either so low and he actually does get a physiological reaction, or it has to do with controlling the length of the round and round dynamic that we seem to get stuck in. I am just not sure, or maybe a little of both at different times? I can sure talk for hours as well, and my husband seems to feel that if I have stated how I feel and he has responded with how he feels, that should be it; done and over, even if there is no resolution. I want to get at what is happening and why so that we don't continue to get angry with each other, so that we can move forward and get closer because we have worked through these things. He would apologize just be be done. Says sometimes we just won't understand each other so why keep going round and round?

We are both in IC; he told his counselor that he feels bullied when I don't let it go, and my counselor described him as passive/agressive. Not sure how this dymanic will work itself out, but in the end, I feel abandoned and there is nothing that will get him to come back and work through it. He just shuts off completely. It's a very lonely place that is a trigger because before the affair, we were living so disconnected that the loneliness was devastating. This is soooo hard :(

[This message edited by Neverwudaguessed at 12:41 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 642 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
Topic Posts: 6

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