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User Topic: 6 Month Anger Surge
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Question  Posted: 11:19 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Numerous people and articles on this site have talked/warned about a resurgence of anger about the 6 month mark. I think I'm there, or rapidly approaching it. I have this sense of being on the long, slow first rise of a roller coaster, just before you hit the terrifying plunge straight down. And I'm scared.

I've been riding this particular coaster for 5 months now, and am getting used to the queasy sensation of being up and down every day, not knowing how I am going to feel from moment to moment, cycling through sadness, rage, hurt, fear, ambivalence and sometimes, lately, even joy. I had begun to engage in normal activities again, to feel some pleasure in my life. I started to think I might be OK someday. I've felt like there was light at the end of the tunnel.

But last week and this I am simply full of fury again. I'm dwelling on all the lies I was told, large and small. On how WH put my life at risk with unprotected sex with strangers, not caring that his sleazy thrills could literally have killed me or damaged our unborn kids. My hate for OW, tamed and gone for months, is back with a vengeance. I'm having trouble sleeping again, and am doing more crying. I'm back in the dark place where I started, and I don't like it here.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom for surviving this stage? Anyone who's gone backward like this and then started moving forward again? I keep telling myself it's just part of the process, that I should feel what I feel and then let it go, that I can still get to OK. But it's hard to quell the rising sense of panic. I want OFF this goddamned ride!!


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Back on the coaster. Who knows?

Posts: 373 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happens to me all the time. But, the good news, the anger doesn't last nearly as long as it use to. There are good days too and that helps compensate. I am 21 months out. It is going to happen many times. They don't call it the roller coaster ride for nothing. Hang in there. Time (I hate that word) really does help.


And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1323 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DON'T FIGHT IT. DONT SUPRESS IT. Of course, it doesn't mean to abuse a remorseful spouse who is doing the work, either. In my experience, I've learned I have to restate the pain, he has learned to answer all the questions AGAIN, patiently, I process it, cry, rage, and I'm good to go.

The times in between got longer and longer.

Hang in there.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This whole roller coaster sucks. I get angry more often than I did months ago, and it seems to have settled into "screw this, I'm done" bigtime! Deal with it the way you need to, which only you will know.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 1070 | Registered: Dec 2013
Alex CR
♀ Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The worst for me was about 8 to 9 months out. I was raging....had a total meltdown one night screaming at my H and breaking glassware against the walls...it ...felt...great.

But it certainly is not a way to heal a marriage. My H was afraid of me...and in some ways I was glad of that...in others I didn't want him feeling I would explode like a land mine. Made it awfully hard for him to walk around the house..LOL..

In hindsight I think by that time I realized H wasn't leaving and felt safe enough to let him have it...up to that point I was more in shock and broken but as the summer rolled around, I was just pissed.

Singing in the car to loud angry music, working out every day as hard as I possibly could and journalling helped. I also went to an IC who taught me EFT, which was helpful.

It is a roller coaster and if your WS is working hard and transparent and doing everything possible to help you heal, it does get better...Hang in there and be kind to yourself...you deserve it.


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1713 | Registered: Mar 2010
wk55hn
♂ Member
Member # 44159
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone have any words of wisdom for surviving this stage? Anyone who's gone backward like this and then started moving forward again? I keep telling myself it's just part of the process, that I should feel what I feel and then let it go, that I can still get to OK. But it's hard to quell the rising sense of panic. I want OFF this goddamned ride!!

You're way too early in the process to get off of that ride.

As a general rule, you will go backwards, but it shouldn't last more than a few weeks to a month. Generally should feel better on any given day than you did 30 days earlier.

I sometimes would take my anger out on my wife, who was doing everything right at that point, but if anyone deserved it, I guess she did.

Some things I remember saying, and I mean just out of the blue with no trigger from her, are "I don't trust you, I just want you to know that - I don't trust you" and I could see the "what brought that on?" look on her face but I don't remember her ever responding except to say "I'm sorry" or "I will never forgive myself" or something like that.

I also remember telling her, "whatever you're doing, it's not enough, you better step it up," and also "I've got one foot out the door, at this point I'm only here because of the kids, but even they aren't going to be enough to keep me here if I keep feeling like this."

I really vented on her and she just kind of took it and apologized.

Anyway, that was when I was at about the point you're at now, I don't want you to get the idea that it's ok to do it over a prolonged period, because it really doesn't solve anything other than to let off a little steam.

You are not alone.

I think a lot depends on what your husband does. If he's doing the things you need, I think progress is possible; if not, nothing but more anger and resentment.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 2:40 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 373 | Registered: Jul 2014
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((krsplat)))

I wish I could divert you of the rollercoaster onto a more gentle, pleasant ride--but none of us can.

However, I can tell you to release your fear. You can face this. You can move past it. Let yourself be carried along by your emotions without losing sight of yourself in them, and now that they will pass.

And of course do as much to help yourself ride this out as you can--seeing friends, going to yoga, taking walks, doing anything you can to ease the pain. You are still moving forward, even when you feel you are going backwards. It's part of the process. As hard as it is to trust in it, we all have to and it will in fact be less intense of a down dip than in the past. The light in the tunnel is still there..it may feel more dim now, but it's not gone forever.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone have any words of wisdom for surviving this stage? Anyone who's gone backward like this and then started moving forward again? I keep telling myself it's just part of the process, that I should feel what I feel and then let it go, that I can still get to OK. But it's hard to quell the rising sense of panic. I want OFF this goddamned ride!!

There are no shortcuts. Unfortunately you have to finish the ride once it leaves the station. I found the more I pushed down feelings the longer it took to work them out. I buried rage and anger for 2 years. The consequence of that was when I finally hit the anger stage it was horrible. I felt like the Hulk except I couldn't smash up a damn thing. I was pissed off for months. There is no getting around the feelings, you have to go through them. So you are correct in that you feel what you need to feel when it hits you.

I had the biggest problem with anger so I decided to use it in productive manner. I started hitting the gym. You will be amazed at how productive a workout can be when fueled with "ready to kill someone but you know you can't" rage. I lifted more weight, ran more miles, and tired myself out. Then I thought about my situation and got pissed again and got right back on the treadmill or lifted more weights. One of the wierdest feelings ever is running on a treadmill with tears coming down your face. Sweat does a good job of hiding it though.

You will cycle through the stages of grief several times. It's not linear. You stay in them as long as you need to but eventually you do come out the other side. Feel what you need to feel and know that it's normal and you WILL be okay.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
veronique12
♀ Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't fight it and don't panic. Ha, easily said, right? It sucks and is exhausting but you are absolutely right that it's part of the process. You will mull until you're ready to move on. I have periods of this too and I'm about 6 months out as well. It's definitely true that the lows aren't as low as they once were, but they still can get pretty bad.

You are still making sense of what happened and coming to terms with the reality that your H did some really shitty things that have turned your world upside down. It's an incredible amount to deal with and there's no way that we can process everything in one go. We don't process traumas in a linear way. We loop back around and reexamine and then re-reexamine over and over.

I see a connection between the things that really sting about the A and my childhood issues. I'm sure it's like that for most of us. Those triggers run deep and they should be explored.

It's hard to see when you're in full rage mode, but working through and exploring your anger, sadness, fear, and other such emotions can result in incredible growth. We all want to avoid pain, it's only natural, but we shouldn't stuff it down. It can be downright awful to deal with, but it will be much worse if you stifle it and it only intensifies years down the road.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 551 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 9

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