I don't know if drugs will help. Once you go off the drugs, what happens?
I had little sticky notes all over the house NC=no new hurts!
My therapist would tell me that I would stop contacting him when I realized that I would get nothing close to satisfaction from him. She was right. He never met my expectations of being a human being and a father once he left.
You know like banging your head against the wall and wondering why you have a headache? Once you make the connection from head hitting wall to head hurting, you'll stop. Because you've become aware. Once you are aware, you can't go back to being unaware.
I have posted here before but not too much.
X is NPD. My IC has said he's likely NPD but since she has never met him she can't difinitively diagnose him.
I know he fits the description.
So, after 12 years common law and 2 kids he starts and EA with his former girlfriend who happens to live in Switzerland and has a husband and son.
EA turns to PA about three weeks before Dday.
I find out about it about 3 months after the reconnection since he has started to travel to other countries and saying it's for work but he does not travel for work.
Find the texts.
She has the same first name as me.
We do in house for 5 months while he still travels to see her.
No offer of R.
Tells me all he did was fall in love for the first time in his life.
Tells me he deserves to do this because he wasn't happy.
He moves out and basically ignores the kids.
Tells me I'm the best person to take care of them and that he has his own life now.
The kids never have to be exposed the the OW since he travels to see her.
He was gone for Christmas for the last 3 years.
He was gone to Germany for a month and only called them 3 times.
He lived 5 minutes away and rarely called and usually saw them about once a week.
Visitation was calculated at 5% for the past 3 years.
Now fast forward to June. He quit his job here and moved to Switzerland to be with her. She divorced her husband in 2013 and last July Dumb ass and her got engaged.
I knew it would happen and have been trying to prepare the kids. They are "meh" about him being gone. One said "we hardly got to see him anyway"
Now to the NPD behaviour.
He sent them emails almost every day since he was gone June 27th. The girls are twins and he writes the emails like he is writing to only one but copies both of them. Example: Hello my sweet lovely princess. To both of them. Not princesses, princess: singular.
One responds regularly but the other doesn't because she thought if her sister was responding she didn't have to. He talks about his commute to work and how much he misses them and he hopes they will come visit him there. He talks about how tired he is but will still lift weights before going to bed, etc.
He came back here on July 19th. He took the kids for the day with his "fiancee" and her son. Took them to the movies last night. Told the kids he was here for a few days. He actually is here for 3 weeks but will vacation with the whore for 2 weeks somewhere.
I asked him why he is paying so much attention to them now. Where was he for the last 3 years? What was his focus the last 3 years? What did he think would happen if he moved to another freakin' CONTINENT!!!??
Is there a point where the NPD can try to show he values someone after de-valuing them?
I understand he is just looking for ego kibbles from the kids.
Why was he not looking for them before?
Does this mean he is devaluing the OW now since he got her and now he is getting bored?
I'm just really pissed off that after 3 years I have been flipped upside down again and I have to get used to him wanting to see the kids and the insta family will be a part of that desire.
I want to throw up.
[This message edited by Lola2kids at 12:25 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]
The ego kibbles are like heroin to an addict. Keep using the same amount and it no longer has the same effect. The heroin addict adds more heroin, the narc adds more/ different people to give ego kibbles.
And remember negative attention is still attention. Attention = ego kibbles. You being mad at him FEEDS feeds his ego.
My girls are 23,21,19. They all complain XH treats them like the age they were when he left. 12,12,20,8. That may have something to do with your stbx.
My heart goes out to you and the kids. I'm afraid that I might be going down that path with my WH. He is being straight as an arrow and following all court orders due to pending divorce. However, once the divorce is final, he will change and will begin to ignore our kids. Our marriage was all about him always. I'm planning to keep my kids and myself as busy as possible with positive activities and events that will enrich our lifes. The best thing you can do is focus on you & your kids. Hugs!
I'm sorry your ex is being so shitty to the kids. You cannot change that for them, you can only help them deal with it.
Love to all the tribe.
I'll go back and catch up reading over the next couple of days. I've been remembering the Tribe in my prayers though, hope all are well.
I've accomplished my move with the kids. We are now separated from Prestone by a universe (not wormhole-free apparently) emotionally, and have added roughly 4 hours of physical distance. Leaving the empty house I moved into with such high hopes was crushing, and I feel still like I am low-crawling through broken glass to get out of this mess.
We are still sorting out the final details with that house. He's already not followed through on half the things he said he'd take care of. I need that deposit back so I can buy the kids' school supplies. I am sick waiting for this part to be over. He had offered to help us move, then his mom was coming to town, so he couldn't help us (his logic, not mine). Then he said he'd take care of all of the final cleaning and fixing up, but said he was too broke to get the carpet cleaned or buy anything that needed replaced. So I left him with the cleaning and painting and needing to replace one bloody doorhandle. And I can't trust him with that. And then I keep trying to feel BAD for leaving the cleaning that I did to him. How many times did he leave and let me handle moves alone with three young children? And I am sure he suffered no conscience issues. I even found a letter from him dated from one of them, and he very generously acknowledged that I drew the "shit end of the stick" that summer. How in hell did I stay married to this POS for so long?
And then, on top of this, his mother visited because she bought him a dog. She paid the pet deposit and gave him money for the vet and helped him pick out the dog. I don't begrudge him the dog per se. I do begrudge him and his mother the fact that it seems they've completely written off our children. I hurt so much for my kids that their father would rather have a dog than do what he needs to do to see them. It is already an excuse for him to not see them. I despise that instead of forcing him to be accountable, she is coddling and ennabling him. And he is gobbling it up.
And to top it off, while I am raw and walking wounded, stressing about finding a job in a new place, (which I love, BTW - everyone is so friendly here and the kids are already so much more relaxed) my sister is getting married this weekend. I have to smile and bridesmaid my behind around. Do hair and meet strangers who want to talk about how beautiful young love is. Buy a freaking happy wedding card that doesn't make me want to vomit. Figure something out about myself that I CAN talk about with new people. Googling conversation questions to turn it around back to whoever is trying to talk to me. Pull some inner string to muster good support for my sister who deserves happiness.
So, love to you all. Just needed somewhere to put that all out, to look at it, to get some perspective.
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.
Welcome back.thanks for the prayers btw.
You certainly have a lot on your plate. I was my most angry when his actions hurt the kids. I know that feing well.
Wedding conversation starters " I'm QuakingAspen. Sister of the bride, how do you know the couple? Then acknowledge some in how they know the happy couple and talk about that.
I hope it goes smoothly and your sister has a wonderful day.
I feel for you that because of kids, it's hard to cut your X out 100%. It's hard, isn't it--protrcting your own well being but feeling the need to know what poison he's feeding your girls.
My heart goes out to you all with kids...and to the kids, too. What a train wreck.
Good point on the drugs, kajem. Part of my story is I am alone in foreign country with my WS. Detachment takes on a whole new meaning when there's logistical dependencies involved. Maybe some day we here will all be ninja zen mind masters. :)
Do you know if there's a time limit on how long conflict of interest applies?
QA- I'm so glad to hear you've achieved some physical distance from Prestone, and I'm sorry it was so hard to leave your home.
I was thinking to myself that while your bridesmaiding around seems like the perfect opportunity to put feelers out for jobs! Never know who you are going to run into and the crowd may be more diverse than usual because it's a wedding. Kwim?
Mel - I *think* conflict of interest is a permanent thing! But I could be wrong.
And my whine for the day: I'm going to post about this in S/D on my other thread too, but not as much detail...
I have to have unexpected surgery tomorrow. I went to have what was supposed to be a small skin cancer removed and it turned out to be not so small. tomorrow they are doing some reconstruction on my nose and I'm going to have a huge ass scar. The doctor flat out told me, "it's going to look bad in the beginning. It will look good in about a year."
So, I'm missing the support I would have had from WH and extended family on that side. I'm sure MIL would be taking me for surgery, BIL and I would have had a conversation about what all is going to happen, etc, etc.
Instead, my friends are taking me. When I asked Cat (via email) if he or MIL were going to be available in case the kids needed to go to MIL's house he replied, "Why would the kids need to go to mom's because you are having surgery?".
AYFKM right now?
I explained about the kids needing DINNER if my surgery was late in the day and I wasn't home, maybe needing some help during the day while I was gone and unavailable, etc.
At that point he seemed to clue in to the fact that this wasn't going to be some piddly deal and started behaving appropriately - they would do whatever I needed to help, etc.
But it was like - could you stop acting like a dick for just TWO seconds??? Maybe a little empathy over the fact that I'm probably stressed and worried about this situation that went from minor to major in the blink of an eye?
Rant over. Please send prayers and good mojo tomorrow and for the next year while this scar heals up.
Wear your sunscreen Tribe!
It makes me wonder if all the past times of them cuddling, etc were complete and total acts.
I'm sorry you've gotta face this, and HIM, without more support.m
This is the kind of stuff (in addition to,others) people get married for. To have someone there, having your back.
It's tough to let that expectation go. :(
(Thanks for the conflict answer. Will do more research)
Hugs for tomorrow. Can you schedule yourself a day or two hours at a spa soon?
"Why would the kids need to go to mom's because you are having surgery?".
That has got to be the most hurtful, asinine, douchelord piece of crap that I have heard in a long time.
Hugs to you nekorb and hope everything goes well with the surgery.
I read in D/S and was wondering what your surgery was about and I can hear the anxiety in your post about this being more serious that you originally thought.
I explained to Dr. That they were spending the next 2 weeks with dad 2 hours away. He copied the instructions, had the kids leave as he needed to talk to me. He asked if I thought dad would get her treatment? Told him the truth - I didn't know, I hope so. He hasn't taken a kid to the dr since oldest were 5. He told me if no office called for release of films he would report XH to cps. And he hand wrote that on the instructions.
Met XH, talked to him about her hand, he asked me to make an appt with his orthopedist ( near me) for later in the week. Okaaay. To get my kid care, I'll make a phone call. I did appt was later in the week. That was Sunday.
Monday I was scheduled for foot surgery on my right foot. Had surgery, it turned out to be more involved than originally thought and they had to go deeper. I ended up with more stitches, a higher dose of pain meds, and instructions NOT to drive for 10 days.
When I got back from surgery, my email was blowing up with XH and NW telling me I needed to go to pick up dd from thier house and bring her 2 hours to the ortho near me AND return her!
My standard response was "I am unable to drive" "I am unable to do that." Over 50 emails in one day. I was to drugged up to do much else. Eventually. I put my foot down reminding him that on his time the children are his responsibility and IF HE NEGLECTED TO PROVIDE CARE PER DOCTORS ORDERS, the doctor and I would be calling CPS.
He got her care, at the last possible moment, near him, and out of network. He had someone sign my name as guarantor on the forms so the bill came to me. YEP, he showed me.
I swear they share brain waves, DNA, something.
Anyway, sweetie, you'll be in my prayers. Get some vitamin e pills and pop them open once the cut is closed. It will help with the scarring. MIL has had a few removed, she swears by vitamin e.
I love the psychopath free website!
Check out Melanie Tonia Evans site also. She's a bit new age, but helpful.
Backstory: we were divorced with a DYI divorce, notary public, and me paying my (future) attorney her hourly rate for advice. We didn't have much to split, little debt, and agreed on visitation and custody. He married ow 2 weeks after our divorce was final. Things went from working together to contentious around this time. He was working in my county and living 2 hours away with OW. A year after separation, he found a job closer to home with more than a $1200 month pay cut.
He filed a reduction in CS.
I knew he was (on paper) entitled to the pay cut, but he voluntarily left his position to take this job. In his initial filing he stated he thought he was about to be fired. It's a small county office, I'd see his colleagues around town- no one mentioned people (much less XH) being terminated. In fact, they replaced him with someone new. It wasn't making sense, and the way XH was acting led me to believe I wasn't getting the complete story. I visited attorneys looking for answers - was he entitled to a cut in CS? Did I have grounds to fight him on this? Etc. also other things were not taken care of in the original decree and since he referenced those points in his modification, It opened to decree to change.
I visited 4-6? Attorneys, knowing I would retain my original attorney at the last possible moment. After he announced his attorney, I announced mine.
I don't know if there's a limitation, ours was about 8 months from his filing to declaration.
It may be different from state to state.
Hope this helps.