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N P D Thread - Part 14

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Kajem posted 9/24/2014 11:35 AM

PIP,

Guarded is a good way to be.

Hugs
K

Futurefear posted 9/25/2014 15:38 PM

Hi everyone,
Dropping in but I'm pretty sure my WH is undiagnosed NPD.
I am having a hard time dealing with all the emotional and mental BS-we are in house separated mainly because he refuses to leave. He wants his money in the house and he doesn't want to leave the kids or I. In the next breath he has chosen her, he has moved on and he loves her. UGH!
Now I have a physical issue from his affair(s) with dirty whore and I'm waiting for a biopsy to be done. I told him because I was so angry and upset. He sat on the stairs and cried. Didn't want to hurt me, didn't want for any of this to happen, he is/was so sorry, wishes he could fix all this and keep our family intake. Doesn't want to see anything bad happen to me, he loves me. Hates himself, he is such a POS, such a bad person, why do I still care, I deserve so much better...
Why can't I breathe?
Of course that lasted less than 24 hours because he obviously talked to dirty whore and she fixed everything for him in his mind. He left to go stay with her last night (she lives at her parents house-classy) and then came home this morning telling me that he is going to push the divorce forward and I will just have to deal without the insurance. WTF.
I try NC and try to keep my boundaries up but this emotional roller coaster is unreal.
Help.
ff

PrtyInPink posted 9/26/2014 16:22 PM

I hate him. I HATE him. I am so absolutely DONE with him. He has told me a handful of times in the past 5 years (ever since my dday) that he feels different about me, that he doesn't view me the same anymore. The past week I've been starting to feel the same way. I think of him and only think of a cheater and someone who doesn't have respect for our marriage. So I decided to text him on Wednesday and say "I think I'm starting to know how you felt". He replied with "I'll get the divorce papers drawn up". Which is a typical response for him. Anytime he's hurt or pissed he always throws the D word at me. So he decided to give me the silent treatment for the rest of the day and majority of yesterday. I have been super busy with my DD's dance that I haven't been able to go to any of my stepDD's softball games. I feel guilty because it's her senior year and obviously I'll have no more chances to see her play high school ball. So last night I finally had a free night and decided to go to her game. I sat next to WH and didn't expect him to talk to me, so I wasn't completely let down. But towards the end of the game he looks over and says "oh hi, what are you doing here?" I said "uh watching sDD play." he said Why? I wanted to say really asshole?? Normally, in the past, I would be thrilled that he is finally talking to me. But I was pissed. And even more pissed at the way he finally started talking, like during the whole game I was invisible and he finally noticed me sitting right next to him.

For some stupid reason I decided to send him a racy picture of myself today. After dday I was trying to make up for the fact that OW and him sexted. So I was sending him dirty pictures and talking dirty. He thought it was odd because Im normally not like that. It was very short lived and I haven't done that in probably a month. But for some reason I felt like I needed to send him something. So I sent it and never got a response back from him. I figured he was too busy with work so I didn't think much of it. I got on facebook just now and my chat list showed that he was on facebook an hour ago. I am SO pissed. That means he was on his phone and purposefully didn't respond to my picture. I feel dirty. Like I exposed myself to a total stranger.

And to make matters worse, I reminded him yesterday that we had a MC appointment today at 4:30. He said he wouldn't be able to make it. I figured it was because he has been working out of town (an hour and a half away) and wouldn't be back in time. We have a security system and I have an app that I can get on that shows me when doors/windows/garage door opens and closes. So I get on there to see if he might be home yet and oh yes, he got home at 2:20! Really??? What in the hell is your reason for not being able to go to our MC appointment??? We also have a security camera that is set up in our living room and we use it mainly to see what our dogs are doing during the day. So I get on there and I see him laying on the couch. What a fucking asshole. He not only is NOT busy and purposefully didn't respond to my picture, he is also NOT busy and can obviously go to our MC appt. Aaannndd...We got invited to my friend's wedding tomorrow. He told me last night that he isn't going. He was trying to give me all these excuses why he couldn't go "I might be working on my car" (the car he's rebuilding) "I don't think I have anything clean to wear and it's too late to take something to the cleaners" "this beautiful weather is ending soon and I'm not going to waste it by sitting inside at a wedding" I looked at him and said "quit giving me excuses and just say you don't want to go". So he said "ok, I don't want to go".

I'm done. I am so done with being treated like shit. I have been treated like shit for the past 14 years and I'm DONE!

[This message edited by PrtyInPink at 4:43 PM, September 26th (Friday)]

Kajem posted 9/26/2014 16:22 PM

Hi FF,

Welcome to the NPD forum. We call ourselves the Tribe.

Keep reading, educate yourself as much as you can handle.

No question is silly.
NC is best, but I understand how its so hard to do. He's like a drug and you're like an addict. I think Melonie Tonis Evans has a talk on narcissists and peptide addictions. It might be worth googling.

Anyway, welcome to the tribe.

Hugs,

K

Kajem posted 9/26/2014 16:29 PM

((((((((PIP)))))))

caregiver9000 posted 9/26/2014 16:36 PM

ff, I was hoping you would show up here. Welcome to the tribe.

(((PIP))) Dust off. Use the anger to fuel the resolve. Remember his behavior is not your shame.

Futurefear posted 9/27/2014 13:59 PM

So we are in the hell known as in house separation. Actually he just won't move out...that is a whole other topic.
He will text me randomly 'good night' while he's working. I have him blocked on my phone after certain hours.
He has lately been on the rant of 'you filed, you wanted this, you destroyed our family'. He has a girlfriend!
Seriously I feel like I am going crazy! I'm the unloveable one.
What makes her think she's so special?
I guess struggling with the why's today. We had a good life, he got caught and doesn't like consequences I guess.
I have no idea who this person aka the creep in my house is...
He was upset with me today for something completely out of my control-I had to remind him that he once loved me, we have 3 kids-remember that.

Kajem posted 9/28/2014 09:23 AM

He has lately been on the rant of 'you filed, you wanted this, you destroyed our family'. He has a girlfriend!
Seriously I feel like I am going crazy!

It's called circular thinking, and it is crazy making for you. The saying " You can't make sense from nonsense" really comes into play when my XH would start down that road.

It comes down to him having the emotional equivalent of a 3-5 year old, with no empathy for anyone who gets in the way of npd happiness. They view us as nothing more than servants who are supposed to meet their every need. When we start pressing them to meet our needs, they don't want to. And like a 3yo when they get mad - its your fault. Only they aren't 3.

It sucks, try not to follow his reasoning, its too twisted to follow anyway. YOU know the truth of your motivations. I doubt he can even remember his motivations.

Hugs,
K

caregiver9000 posted 9/28/2014 12:32 PM

The "you can't make sense out of nonsense" was a good mantra for me.

Also, once you see the human costume and the cold completely detached calculating eyes... You can't UNSEE.

He was upset with me today for something completely out of my control-I had to remind him that he once loved me, we have 3 kids-remember that.

Consider this from his perspective (possible). A NPD may never have loved in the way that you mean. He believes that at one time, his act/behaviors kept you working to project the family image, that something he did or said (then) convinced you to carry all the emotional responsibility for both of you. For him, very little has actually changed. He feels exactly the same, his wants are the same. What HAS changed is your knowledge of the reality. And that has negatively impacted his WHOLE world. To him, this really is all your fault.
So what does he do NOW? He is working to convince you to go back to the way things were before. If ONLY you would go back to being in the dark.

Likely he is ACTIVELY angry with you for failing to continue the charade. Because for him, it has always been a charade.

Futurefear posted 9/28/2014 14:40 PM

Does it ever get easier?
NC while being in the same house is impossible. He will text me during his shift, usually fishing that I don't respond to.
I just don't understand.
How do I raise my kids knowing thst this isn't ok?

PrtyInPink posted 9/29/2014 09:19 AM

They view us as nothing more than servants who are supposed to meet their every need.
Yep! I got a small dose of this over the weekend. WH was at his DD's softball tournament. He texted me asking to bring him a large fountain soda. I said um....cant you get it at the concession stand?? He said no, it's a rip off. I texted back with "Im pretty sure that the amount of gas plus the cost of the fountain soda equates to the cost of the soda at the concession stand". Oh of course he hated that. He called me and said are you seriously not going to bring me a soda? I said no of course I'm not. I said I am finishing my lunch and then I have to get ready for a wedding and leave in half an hour. He said FINE, I will walk to the gas station myself and get it. I asked why he was so upset. He said "well you pissed me off when you said no". aaaahhhh and there it is.... when I said NO.

When we start pressing them to meet our needs, they don't want to
We had a discussion a few years ago about the amount of sex in our relationship. I told him that I am not wired like a guy, I cannot just jump into sex without being emotionally stimulated at first. I said why don't we do stuff together, go on dates, etc, so that I can feel emotionally attached to you? He said "so I have to take you on a date in order to get fucked? nah, forget that". I was just in shock. Here was my H refusing to meet my needs, but I was expected to meet his (and of course at the time I had no idea that he was in an EA with a woman who WAS meeting his needs)

Hindsight is 20/20. And once you realize that a person has NPD, you can never go back to the way you were before and everything they say or do is an aha moment.

Futurefear posted 9/29/2014 11:14 AM

It sucks, try not to follow his reasoning, its too twisted to follow anyway. YOU know the truth of your motivations. I doubt he can even remember his motivations.

Honestly after 3 months of false R and TT I had to call it quits! I couldn't do it anymore. I had hope that once I filed for divorce that he would see that I wasn't messing around, I was beyond serious and JUST STOP! He, instead ramped up his relationship with her, spending more time at her parent's house, more trips away all in the name of 'I'm avoiding you, trying to make you more comfortable'. What I'm seeing and hearing now is that he wants to come home however doesn't want to look bad or weak so it is easier to stay with the dirty whore. She's worth throwing it all away for-he says he loves her.
His motivations are all based on selfishness. He didn't get to live his 20's, he's tired of doing what everyone else expects him to do so he's going to do what he wants to do, he wants to travel and see the world, explore and he wanted a partner to do that with. I was too busy having babies and my career, I put him last so he found someone who has zero responsibility and her sole purpose is to make him happy...ugh.
I do not understand. It makes me so sad and so sick. She is not me, she is an ugly person and what makes her so great?

PrtyInPink posted 9/29/2014 13:56 PM

He didn't get to live his 20's, he's tired of doing what everyone else expects him to do so he's going to do what he wants to do, he wants to travel and see the world, explore and he wanted a partner to do that with. I was too busy having babies and my career
That's a bunch of bullshit and do NOT let him have you believing it for one second. I didn't get to "live" my 20s because I had a baby when I was 20. That didn't make me go out and want to have an A (yes I did have an EA but it had nothing to do with not living my 20s, rather, it had everything to do with my H being emotionally unsupportive, which I now find out is because he's got NPD). I would LOVE to travel. I don't because WH doesn't like to travel, he gets homesick easily and he's also pretty damn selfish with money. He'd rather go skiing with his friends or go on golf trips with his friends than save money for us to go somewhere nice as a family or even just with me. So please, don't make excuses for him for why he is being a selfish asshole.

PrtyInPink posted 9/29/2014 13:59 PM

She is not me, she is an ugly person and what makes her so great?
No she is not you. She doesn't have self respect. She does not value herself and have morals. She is NOT great. She is just easy. E-A-S-Y. Bottom line. Do not compare yourself to someone who is equivalent to the bottom of a pond, she is worse than the scum that lives there.

Futurefear posted 9/29/2014 15:44 PM

No she is not you. She doesn't have self respect. She does not value herself and have morals. She is NOT great. She is just easy. E-A-S-Y. Bottom line. Do not compare yourself to someone who is equivalent to the bottom of a pond, she is worse than the scum that lives there.

^^^^ This is my problem. I am comparing myself to her, this homewrecker that in addition to my selfish entitled POS soon to be xh, wrecked my family, my life, everything I worked so hard for...
It's not fair!!
NC is so tough! I have a million questions!!

PrtyInPink posted 9/29/2014 16:58 PM

I have a million questions
I had so many questions too. "why her", "why didn't you tell me something was wrong" "why have you treated me like this" "why am I not good enough for you" "why do you not care about our family". I was not and am still not "allowed" ask questions or talk about what he did. But over the past couple of weeks I don't care what my questions are anymore. I have an answer to ALL my questions, I have THE answer...and it is NPD. And one I realized it was NPD, then all of the questions didn't matter anymore. I knew it had NOTHING to do with me and everything to do with HIM. If you haven't don't any reading, I encourage you to read When Your Perfect Partner Goes Perfectly Wrong. It has been the light that I needed. It has brought me to see everything that has happened in the past 14 years.

[This message edited by PrtyInPink at 5:00 PM, September 29th (Monday)]

cantaccept posted 9/30/2014 05:31 AM

Questions! Oh yes, the never ending questions...I still have questions, but the answer will always be the same and the answers will never come from x.

The answer, they are not like us, they don't feel like us, they don't think like us, there just is no one home! Everytime I have a question pop in my head, the why did you or how could you or who does this kind of thing, I automatically say to myself, "because he is a fucktard". That is just my name for all of the awful things that he is and the added bonus, it makes me laugh.

The latest round of emails (I am in the process of changing my )

"I was abusive our entire marriage, you forgave me over and over and I hate you for that! You didn't stop me! You were supposed to save me! If you love someone you don't allow then to treat you like that!"

then,

"if you had done this I would have been much more understanding given our marriage, knowing what I know now. 2 affairs or 5, it was a cry for help."

I read this and I just cannot believe that he would actually admit to thinking like this. This is so convoluted and twisted. It convinces me, again, validates what I believe, he is as he has always been and will always be this way.

Sometimes now, I feel sorry for him. He has no chance and doesn't even realize it. He does not, at least I don't think he does, realize how twisted he is, how empty, how...stupid???

I don't allow the empathy to have too much power though. I cannot afford too much empathy for him, it could be dangerous for me. I can feel sorry for him but I cannot let him know or let him get too close. It's more like feeling sorry for a rabid dog, you know it is sick, it needs help but if you get close it will bite you and you will get sick too.

I feel so sad for all of you here that have to share children with these "people". That is something that I just cannot imagine.

I had 3 miscarriages and at the time was so heartbroken. Now, something that I could never have imagined then, I am grateful for th

Kajem posted 9/30/2014 11:48 AM

Reasoning with him requires him stepping into your shoes. To do that he needs empathy - npd are incapable of empathy. Their brains are wired differently, they just don't have it to give.

It doesn't mean they can't utilize other emotions to compensate for their lack of empathy. I am sure some npd do. I doubt we will see them on this board. Our npd seem to be the users who don't give a shit about anyone but themselves.

I was taught to view life with my xh as a stage show, with him being the star. Everyone in his life has a role to play in his production, even the audience. We are all props to his starring role.

I saw his mask slip, who he is behind the scene. Who he is behind the mask, is in direct contrast to the persona the audience sees. I am a liability to his ability to act and keep getting ego kibbles from the audience. I must be demoted from a leading support role to being devalued completely to being discarded from his show. He can't take the chance that I will one time NOT be under his control. I know too much, Subconsciously he is afraid I'll expose him, and he'll loose his standing with the audience.
He has to much to loose, I'm a liability. He's got to tear me down to me,him, and the public in order to keep me in fear and thus controlled by him.

Round about logic, but I understand it... Which makes me wonder about me

I hope this helps.

Hugs,
K

PrtyInPink posted 10/1/2014 08:48 AM

:::sigh::: I need help. I need to be done with this M but I am so afraid to take that first step. I hate that I even give myself an ounce of hope that the M can be better and that he can change. I don't know if you saw my post Monday night in General. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=542755&HL=44148
I didn't stay at my parents' house for long. I needed to be home with my DD12 and told WH that I'd sleep on the couch if he let me home. Of course once he realized he was losing me he told me I could come home. Before I came home he was telling me that he is trying to work on the M. He said he's been going to counseling with me, that I haven't even given him a chance (uh...you've had 2 months since dday buddy). But I still hate that he tells me this because it makes me stop and think well if I go to counseling just a little bit longer, will things change? We haven't even dove down into things in counseling. All we have been doing is figuring out what the issues are, so that we can decide if we are staying M or D. And he is going to start IC this week. Our MC referred him to an IC who works with people with anger problems. So part of me feels like I need to give him that chance (omg how many chances have I given him? Why would I give him another??) When I got home, we talked very briefly. I told him that he never defends me. I said the OW is throwing out these things that you supposedly told her, and then she's calling me a bitch and you do NOTHING. He said he didnt want to play into her trailer trash drama like me. I said who cares! You can at least tell her she has no right to say these things to me. I told him that he doesnt want to say anything because he wants to keep the lines of communication open with her "just in case". He of course said he wants nothing to do with her and hasn't spoken to her since dday. I was still livid with him not defending me but realized it's just his NPD coming into play. He doesnt want anyone to ever think bad about him and he wants to be kept on that pedestal with her. If he lashed back at her for saying things to me, then he'd be knocked off the pedestal and would have nobody else to "worship" him. I ended up taking yesterday off work because I didn't get to sleep until 2am. WH of course acted like nothing happened, texted me asking if I would throw in a load of laundry for him. I just need to be done. I know I need to call a lawyer. I'm just so afraid of him reeling me back in. I know he will say so many things to tug at my heart strings and I know I need to be strong but I'm so afraid that I wont be and that I will be drawn back into the drama and lifestyle that I have so badly wanted to escape all these years.

Futurefear posted 10/1/2014 15:13 PM

I'm just so afraid of him reeling me back in. I know he will say so many things to tug at my heart strings and I know I need to be strong but I'm so afraid that I wont be and that I will be drawn back into the drama and lifestyle that I have so badly wanted to escape all these years.

I am being blamed for everything. Read my profile and my posts.

I made the decision to file for divorce not because I wanted too but because I had to for my sanity. He has made no effort to change, he went to therapy and quit 3 different therapists because the first one discussed God, the second one called him selfish and told him he had to stop seeing the girlfriend and the third one (IC) 'was burned out and I could talk my way around him.'. Up until yesterday I was being told that he loved me, loved his family, was lost, wanted us, wanted to fix things but 'didn't know how'. Yesterday I was told that 'this mess was all my fault, I filed for divorce, I wanted this, he never wanted a divorce', and the kicker 'if I were to come back I would be a depressed mess, a shell of myself so I'm not coming back, I'm done with you'. WOW!!! Oh and he's not going to do therapy. He expected me to just come back, take another leap of faith and allow him to live this double life. I think that he never intended to have this happen, get caught and have me go through a divorce.
So...can you live like this? I gave him 3 months. I know how hard it is to have your head and heart in 2 different places. I am in the process of divorce (proposals sent back and forth), he is still in the house and openly texting, dating, loving the dirty whore. He defends her completely even with my dirty nasty test results, needing biopsies...even through all this I want to believe that the man I married is still there, still loves me and still wants us...my heart needs to get where my head is.
The decision to divorce isn't easy. Being alone and afraid of the future isn't easy either. What made me decide was looking at my kids and thinking what I would do and say if they were married to someone like this, doing things like this to them, what advise would I give them?
I feel your pain and your struggle. I really do...hugs!

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