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N P D Thread - Part 14

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caregiver9000 posted 7/25/2014 20:53 PM

Sending strength and well wishes for all who need it.

I don't have experience with the parental N. I am grateful that there are those who share who can chime in with support and ideas. I have read that the child of an N is likely to pair up with a N as an adult, so perhaps there are others who haven't focused on the parental relationship.

I was remembering how grateful I was to find this group because I didn't have to begin every thread with an explanation of why I wasn't crazy and with a list of his flaws that meant please don't advise me to "co-parent." It was beyond a gift to find the voices who soothed and assured me that I wasn't failing my kids because I couldn't co-parent, or sometimes even function.

Healing is a process, but it was one that began for me, with this safe place. I guess I am feeling a bit melancholy tonight.


meleanoro posted 7/25/2014 23:38 PM

Cg, your signature is one of my favorites ("lower muppet")

It is only in the past year I was able to see my father is an N.

And then, holy shit, that hit me hard. The patterns were....alarming.

DrJekyll posted 7/26/2014 12:17 PM

So confrontation is over. All I got throughout was the stern look that I USED to cowar to. And throughout my tears and sharing my feelings and hurts I got nothing. Not one tear. She did give me the time and did not interrupt. I set boundaries and consequences. The closest thing to an appology was I don't disagree.

Of course she decided to remind me of the good things she did. When I was 4. Seriously the last good thing you remember is from when I was 4. And then she told me that she went through a time and took ownership of her wrongdoing. Funny she sstill hasn't said what those are.

She appologized to my BS. And afterward when we were leaving she broke the boundary. Of course the consequence was that we would leave so why not break it when we were leaving. Discussing the AP a cousin in law. And how much weight she has lost. And how great she looks. Seriously? And then how OBS misses me and wants to restore friendship. What freaking part of NC do these people not understand? So my BS is triggering hard. But I took my power back from my NPD mom.

I feel 10ft tall and bulletproof. And very sorry that mom used BS as the thing to hurt me the most. She could not attack me directly. But to use her so that I was unable to do anything about it. It is very sad. But even though my BS is triggering she is still proud of me.

yearsofpain25 posted 7/26/2014 15:25 PM

Proud of you too Dr. J. I know how difficult that must have been for you. I wouldn't expect anything less than parting "gifts" from an NPD mom. That's messed up because she is messed up.

Bravo! Well done Dr. J. Well done. Enjoy your victory. You earned it.


eta - typos and stupid autocorrect

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 3:31 PM, July 26th (Saturday)]

DrJekyll posted 7/26/2014 16:45 PM

My BS and I watched the series I, Psychopath on youtube a little while back. And drew a lot of parallels. The feelings of confusion, draining and haunting that follow.

If you want to check it out.

Kajem posted 7/27/2014 07:08 AM

DrJ, Good for you!!!!


The deflections can still throw me for a loop, especially when I'm not paying attention! I'm glad you were able to get holesinmybucket out of there ASAP. No need to give NPD anymore cannon fodder to use.

I hope today both of you are giddy with freedom from NPD land.


HurtingandLost posted 7/27/2014 17:02 PM

Not the place

[This message edited by HurtingandLost at 5:26 PM, July 27th (Sunday)]

HurtingandLost posted 7/27/2014 17:07 PM

[This message edited by HurtingandLost at 5:26 PM, July 27th (Sunday)]

DixieD posted 7/28/2014 10:18 AM

Good for you DrJ. You survived. I was proud of my husband when he was able to stand up to his parents and stick to his (new) boundaries too. It was a big step in the right direction. She will keep trying to test you. It's shitty she blindsided you at the end but not surprising. Hugs to your wife.

Caregiver9000, I hope you are feeling better now.

It was an eyeopener for me to see the similarities between my father and my husband when I hadn't seen them previously. To my husband's credit, he's changed. He wanted to change. Needed to change. My father, yeah not going to happen. It is what it is.

tired girl posted 7/28/2014 11:06 AM

I am glad that you said what you needed to say to your mother Dr.J. Also not surprised that she got her licks in at the end, that is the way they are. Now is the time to stick to your boundaries, they will always test them somehow, usually in some small way to see if you are going to stick to them and how hard. Good luck.

Dixie, sorry to hear that you didn't get your apology from your mother.

nekorb posted 7/28/2014 19:41 PM

Hey tribe - popping in for a bit. Dr. j - I'm glad you got to talk to your mom. I was hoping your expectations weren't too high.

I'm sure I'm missing other parts of the conversation here that I wanted to address, but I'm kind of behind with surgery and all and pain

Surgery went well. I look like shit, as expected. I'm calling it the Frankenscar. lots of swelling. Pain improving. I'm just so tired I can't stand it. One middle of the night trip to ER because of medication reaction. Kids have been taking care of me. Friends helping as needed. It's so strange to go through this without a spouse...

Thinking of you all.


meleanoro posted 7/28/2014 20:06 PM

Hey nekorb,
I'm glad you checked in and made it through.

Everyone looks like a horror movie post surgery, so ultimately it won't look like it does now. Just a gentle reminder -- I'm sure you know this.

It feels like a marker, you getting through this without a spouse. You are strong, and amazing. I'd bring you soup if I lived in your town. :)

caregiver9000 posted 7/28/2014 21:55 PM

Frankenscar... you seem to have your humor intact!

Glad you are being taken care of. I would come with meleanoro.

I love the feeling of doing something SINGLE handedly that I would have relegated to the spouse. It is empowering.

We are survivors!

Kajem posted 7/28/2014 22:12 PM


Awesome that your kids stepped up and are taking care of you.

Hoping you're feeling a bit better day by day.

I'd be with the posse bringing you soup.


southsidecali posted 7/28/2014 23:53 PM

Nekorb- glad surgery went well! Rest up and take it easy.
Jekyll - good for you, they will never change. I never bothered confronting my npd mom- even a hint of telling her truths she immediately starts deflecting and involving my sisters. But now you can let go and move forward.

It took all wknd for me to recover from npd interaction on Thursday court. And then the "surprise" of him trying to tell kids he moved but when asked he wouldn't tell them, so I had to deal with him and force him to be honest with them and admit he was moving in with gf. My kids were very sad and upset.but thankfully recovered. We talked it out and quick therapy visit helped and I'm focusing on them. Living forward.

Therapist suggested we involve the new gf because when visitation happens the kids need to know and what to expect. We will see if this happens, I'm doubtful but who knows I hunk the new gf is also npd or has serious codependent issues but she is damaged.

We have custody/visitation mediation on Thursday- will prob take another few days to recover-hate that it always is like that when dealing with him.

I think if things go well we might be family #2 that he abandons which works better for me. I'd rather help kids heal once for all instead of this constant and slowly rate of destruction of. My kids.

Lola2kids posted 7/30/2014 14:10 PM

Glad to hear the surgery went well.
Frankenscar! Snort.

Hugs to you and your lovely caring kids and friends as well.
Count me in for wishing I could send chicken soup over the internet.


ThoughtIKnewYa posted 7/30/2014 22:43 PM


GMIL ended-up taking her cat with her when moved in with MIL and things are going okay.

I was invited to a birthday celebration there, but had to decline because I had to do some testing for a job I'm trying to get. It turned out NPDSIL was there and talking fairly openly about her BF (she's still M) and his family with her kids. I can't help but think I was invited so I could be the "bad guy" for standing up for what's right. (You know, for "starting stuff" ) I'm glad I stayed out of it.

DrJekyll posted 7/31/2014 11:23 AM

The hopes weren't too high. Of course after chasing the "dream of a good and loving mother" I had some hopes.

After this weekend my BS and I noticed that some of my thoughts and feelings have started switching from "protecting the dream of my mother" to actually protecting my BS.

We had some very open and intimate communication for the first time in my life. This moment, that I knew I had to do, was one of the biggest things I had ever done in my life. We have had a huge sense of freedom. But there is still a lingering.

With my new tools of introspection. I have a hard time cutting my momster completely out, although the thought is getting much easier. I have this notion that, I need to give her an opportunity, if I were to get an opportunity from my BS. But now that I have confronted her, I feel that I have given her that chance. I am sure she will continue to violate the boundaries and am preparing the "Final straw" statements. That it will be less painful to not have her in my life than it will be to keep the "loving mother dream" I am working on letting go of that dream.

nekorb - Wishing you a speedy recovery

southsidecali - hope that he gives in for no custody to "move on" with his new family.

southsidecali posted 7/31/2014 13:41 PM

I have custody mediation hearing today...Pray that i remain calm and composed and able to stick to the facts!!!

I know things will be ok, just hate the dang process of this.

Jekl- Based on my own experience, the "final straw" conversation isn't something you should focus or plan on. It will happen, do you really need to reiterate how she failed to respect your boundaries? If telling her what those boundaries /consequences are didn't change her, what will telling her your cutting her out change?

She doesn't respect you or your wants/needs, otherwise, she would have respected the boundaries.. You really don't need to be hitting her over the head, all that does is hurt you in reminding you that she doesn't care.

Focus on just NC and just cut her out completely. I know for me we have a habit of trying to "reason" talk and spoon feed them what they did wrong and how they should have acted but we are just talking for the sakes of talking. They will try and wear us down and push that boundary- because it is attention they are seeking..whether negative or positive -she still has your attention.

NC and cut her out completely. Hope is one of the last things to die, but just focus on acceptance and it helps deal with the hope.

[This message edited by southsidecali at 1:46 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]

southsidecali posted 7/31/2014 21:09 PM

OUGh it didn't go good with mediator.

Looks like i am going to have to hire attny to subnmit "Evidence" to ensure best interest of kids is priority and not me continuing to come off as a bitter ex.

hate this rollercoaster..why do i have to come off as the bitter ex because I am trying to protect the kids because he lacks judgement?

[This message edited by southsidecali at 9:09 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]

southsidecali posted 8/1/2014 00:52 AM

Thought I'd share the parting shot of exnpd at our mediation.

We are sitting within clear view of street parking with my car in sight and he started muttering unbelievable, snickering, semi laughing shaking his head. I ignore him don't turn to look in the direction he is looking but then he gives up and asks me if I have my grandma with me.

I looked at my parked car and asked him, are u going to try an accuse me of elder abuse now and imply I left her in car?

He said, you have the handicap placArd and she's not even with u and your taking advantage of that. I just shook my head and said uhmm that free. Parking, I don't need the placard and. An park there since it's free anyways. Wow I asked the mediator that is free parking right? She was fed up at that point and said she didn't know.

Yes he's judging me for not removing the handicap placard while parked on the street free parking area...

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