Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Soleil88 (45765)

I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: N P D Thread - Part 14
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending strength and well wishes for all who need it.

I don't have experience with the parental N. I am grateful that there are those who share who can chime in with support and ideas. I have read that the child of an N is likely to pair up with a N as an adult, so perhaps there are others who haven't focused on the parental relationship.

I was remembering how grateful I was to find this group because I didn't have to begin every thread with an explanation of why I wasn't crazy and with a list of his flaws that meant please don't advise me to "co-parent." It was beyond a gift to find the voices who soothed and assured me that I wasn't failing my kids because I couldn't co-parent, or sometimes even function.

Healing is a process, but it was one that began for me, with this safe place. I guess I am feeling a bit melancholy tonight.

(((tribe)))


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5918 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
meleanoro
♀ Member
Member # 6210
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cg, your signature is one of my favorites ("lower muppet")

It is only in the past year I was able to see my father is an N.

And then, holy shit, that hit me hard. The patterns were....alarming.


Me: Tired BS.
(I frequently edit for typos)

Posts: 290 | Registered: Jan 2005
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So confrontation is over. All I got throughout was the stern look that I USED to cowar to. And throughout my tears and sharing my feelings and hurts I got nothing. Not one tear. She did give me the time and did not interrupt. I set boundaries and consequences. The closest thing to an appology was I don't disagree.

Of course she decided to remind me of the good things she did. When I was 4. Seriously the last good thing you remember is from when I was 4. And then she told me that she went through a time and took ownership of her wrongdoing. Funny she sstill hasn't said what those are.

She appologized to my BS. And afterward when we were leaving she broke the boundary. Of course the consequence was that we would leave so why not break it when we were leaving. Discussing the AP a cousin in law. And how much weight she has lost. And how great she looks. Seriously? And then how OBS misses me and wants to restore friendship. What freaking part of NC do these people not understand? So my BS is triggering hard. But I took my power back from my NPD mom.

I feel 10ft tall and bulletproof. And very sorry that mom used BS as the thing to hurt me the most. She could not attack me directly. But to use her so that I was unable to do anything about it. It is very sad. But even though my BS is triggering she is still proud of me.


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women


Posts: 843 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Proud of you too Dr. J. I know how difficult that must have been for you. I wouldn't expect anything less than parting "gifts" from an NPD mom. That's messed up because she is messed up.

Bravo! Well done Dr. J. Well done. Enjoy your victory. You earned it.

yop

eta - typos and stupid autocorrect

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 3:31 PM, July 26th (Saturday)]


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2351 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BS and I watched the series I, Psychopath on youtube a little while back. And drew a lot of parallels. The feelings of confusion, draining and haunting that follow.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jKvhKI6Kxew

If you want to check it out.


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women


Posts: 843 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DrJ, Good for you!!!!

(((((((Holesinmybucket)))))))

The deflections can still throw me for a loop, especially when I'm not paying attention! I'm glad you were able to get holesinmybucket out of there ASAP. No need to give NPD anymore cannon fodder to use.

I hope today both of you are giddy with freedom from NPD land.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5551 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not the place

[This message edited by HurtingandLost at 5:26 PM, July 27th (Sunday)]


36 BH
Sons 16 and 8 Daughters 11, 7, 5.
Ex and STBX both cheated, thinking of getting a dog as a companion after D. At least they're loyal.

Posts: 1032 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: MidWest
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by HurtingandLost at 5:26 PM, July 27th (Sunday)]


36 BH
Sons 16 and 8 Daughters 11, 7, 5.
Ex and STBX both cheated, thinking of getting a dog as a companion after D. At least they're loyal.

Posts: 1032 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: MidWest
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you DrJ. You survived. I was proud of my husband when he was able to stand up to his parents and stick to his (new) boundaries too. It was a big step in the right direction. She will keep trying to test you. It's shitty she blindsided you at the end but not surprising. Hugs to your wife.

Caregiver9000, I hope you are feeling better now.

It was an eyeopener for me to see the similarities between my father and my husband when I hadn't seen them previously. To my husband's credit, he's changed. He wanted to change. Needed to change. My father, yeah not going to happen. It is what it is.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am glad that you said what you needed to say to your mother Dr.J. Also not surprised that she got her licks in at the end, that is the way they are. Now is the time to stick to your boundaries, they will always test them somehow, usually in some small way to see if you are going to stick to them and how hard. Good luck.

Dixie, sorry to hear that you didn't get your apology from your mother.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5156 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
nekorb
♀ Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey tribe - popping in for a bit. Dr. j - I'm glad you got to talk to your mom. I was hoping your expectations weren't too high.

I'm sure I'm missing other parts of the conversation here that I wanted to address, but I'm kind of behind with surgery and all and pain meds....lol

Surgery went well. I look like shit, as expected. I'm calling it the Frankenscar. lots of swelling. Pain improving. I'm just so tired I can't stand it. One middle of the night trip to ER because of medication reaction. Kids have been taking care of me. Friends helping as needed. It's so strange to go through this without a spouse...

Thinking of you all.

(((Tribe)))


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
meleanoro
♀ Member
Member # 6210
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey nekorb,
I'm glad you checked in and made it through.

Everyone looks like a horror movie post surgery, so ultimately it won't look like it does now. Just a gentle reminder -- I'm sure you know this.

It feels like a marker, you getting through this without a spouse. You are strong, and amazing. I'd bring you soup if I lived in your town. :)


Me: Tired BS.
(I frequently edit for typos)

Posts: 290 | Registered: Jan 2005
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Frankenscar... you seem to have your humor intact!

Glad you are being taken care of. I would come with meleanoro.

I love the feeling of doing something SINGLE handedly that I would have relegated to the spouse. It is empowering.

We are survivors!


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5918 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nekorb,

Awesome that your kids stepped up and are taking care of you.

Hoping you're feeling a bit better day by day.

I'd be with the posse bringing you soup.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5551 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
southsidecali
♀ Member
Member # 22752
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nekorb- glad surgery went well! Rest up and take it easy.
Jekyll - good for you, they will never change. I never bothered confronting my npd mom- even a hint of telling her truths she immediately starts deflecting and involving my sisters. But now you can let go and move forward.

It took all wknd for me to recover from npd interaction on Thursday court. And then the "surprise" of him trying to tell kids he moved but when asked he wouldn't tell them, so I had to deal with him and force him to be honest with them and admit he was moving in with gf. My kids were very sad and upset.but thankfully recovered. We talked it out and quick therapy visit helped and I'm focusing on them. Living forward.

Therapist suggested we involve the new gf because when visitation happens the kids need to know and what to expect. We will see if this happens, I'm doubtful but who knows I hunk the new gf is also npd or has serious codependent issues but she is damaged.

We have custody/visitation mediation on Thursday- will prob take another few days to recover-hate that it always is like that when dealing with him.

I think if things go well we might be family #2 that he abandons which works better for me. I'd rather help kids heal once for all instead of this constant and slowly rate of destruction of. My kids.


Posts: 859 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: CA
Lola2kids
♀ Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nekorb:
Glad to hear the surgery went well.
Frankenscar! Snort.

Hugs to you and your lovely caring kids and friends as well.
Count me in for wishing I could send chicken soup over the internet.

(((neckorb)))


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
D-Day April 18, 2011
Him:out Sept. 11, 2011
He moved to Europe June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1460 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((nekorb)))

GMIL ended-up taking her cat with her when moved in with MIL and things are going okay.

I was invited to a birthday celebration there, but had to decline because I had to do some testing for a job I'm trying to get. It turned out NPDSIL was there and talking fairly openly about her BF (she's still M) and his family with her kids. I can't help but think I was invited so I could be the "bad guy" for standing up for what's right. (You know, for "starting stuff" ) I'm glad I stayed out of it.


Posts: 11791 | Registered: Mar 2008
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The hopes weren't too high. Of course after chasing the "dream of a good and loving mother" I had some hopes.

After this weekend my BS and I noticed that some of my thoughts and feelings have started switching from "protecting the dream of my mother" to actually protecting my BS.

We had some very open and intimate communication for the first time in my life. This moment, that I knew I had to do, was one of the biggest things I had ever done in my life. We have had a huge sense of freedom. But there is still a lingering.

With my new tools of introspection. I have a hard time cutting my momster completely out, although the thought is getting much easier. I have this notion that, I need to give her an opportunity, if I were to get an opportunity from my BS. But now that I have confronted her, I feel that I have given her that chance. I am sure she will continue to violate the boundaries and am preparing the "Final straw" statements. That it will be less painful to not have her in my life than it will be to keep the "loving mother dream" I am working on letting go of that dream.

nekorb - Wishing you a speedy recovery

southsidecali - hope that he gives in for no custody to "move on" with his new family.


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women


Posts: 843 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
southsidecali
♀ Member
Member # 22752
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have custody mediation hearing today...Pray that i remain calm and composed and able to stick to the facts!!!

I know things will be ok, just hate the dang process of this.

Jekl- Based on my own experience, the "final straw" conversation isn't something you should focus or plan on. It will happen, do you really need to reiterate how she failed to respect your boundaries? If telling her what those boundaries /consequences are didn't change her, what will telling her your cutting her out change?

She doesn't respect you or your wants/needs, otherwise, she would have respected the boundaries.. You really don't need to be hitting her over the head, all that does is hurt you in reminding you that she doesn't care.

Focus on just NC and just cut her out completely. I know for me we have a habit of trying to "reason" talk and spoon feed them what they did wrong and how they should have acted but we are just talking for the sakes of talking. They will try and wear us down and push that boundary- because it is attention they are seeking..whether negative or positive -she still has your attention.

NC and cut her out completely. Hope is one of the last things to die, but just focus on acceptance and it helps deal with the hope.

[This message edited by southsidecali at 1:46 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]


Posts: 859 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: CA
southsidecali
♀ Member
Member # 22752
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OUGh it didn't go good with mediator.

Looks like i am going to have to hire attny to subnmit "Evidence" to ensure best interest of kids is priority and not me continuing to come off as a bitter ex.

hate this rollercoaster..why do i have to come off as the bitter ex because I am trying to protect the kids because he lacks judgement?

[This message edited by southsidecali at 9:09 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]


Posts: 859 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: CA
Topic Posts: 264
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14

Return to Forum: I Can Relate Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.