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N P D Thread - Part 14

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WornDown posted 6/15/2017 09:51 AM

With NPDs the saying, "Give an inch, take a mile," is more appropriately, "Give an inch, take a thousand miles. And your hat."

Alex291 posted 6/15/2017 11:47 AM

^^^
WornDown, this is cracking me up. Not only is your saying dead on, but mine actually did take my hat
I had ordered a baseball cap from my kids' school for myself and he saw it sitting around the house and just picked it up, said "Oh, this is nice, can I have it?" and walked out the door with it one day without waiting for an answer. Because why not? And I was still hoping he'd "pick me" so I didn't protest.
I'm not sure if my STBX is NPD or not, but a lot of what people post on this thread rings true with me.

CharliB posted 6/15/2017 19:58 PM

@worndown.
So true. I caught Stbxh about to open the door to come in to get kids, when I specifically asked him to wait outside in the car. And he did take my hat too but i got it back.

dreamlife posted 6/17/2017 12:39 PM

We are also in the Scapegoat role re NPD family dynamics...very helpful to read up on this.

CharliB posted 6/17/2017 14:47 PM

Thanks Dreamlife.
I decided to research scapegoating and found this:How do I Stop Being Scapegoated?

Facing your own problems, becoming more emotionally mature, learning better relationships skills and setting effective boundaries will help you stop being a soft target for scapegoating. You should be aware, however, that in the beginning this may cause your partner to behave even worse. You becoming stronger may cause them to try and knock you ‘off balance’ and back to your old ways of reacting that make it easy for them to point the blame at you

Definitely gave me an aha moment.

reddawn212 posted 6/19/2017 22:22 PM

Last year I ignored my XWBF who I believe has NPD and he lost his shit - he lost over 20 pounds and begged me daily to acknowledge his existence.

I reconciled with him and he got worse. So this time when it ended I finally exposed him to my family and he reacted with typical narcissistic rage - and adopted a vindictive scorched earth policy. He even resorted to maligning my oldest son who is protective of me.

I read somewhere the two worst things u can do is to ignore and/or expose.

I no longer see the man I loved, just the monster under the mask.

CharliB posted 6/26/2017 18:14 PM

Does anyone have a success story in divorcing NPD partner? Looking for some light at the end of the tunnel.

Ihavehadenough posted 6/27/2017 09:51 AM

Hey! I'm am new here & have been married to a Narcissist for almost 16 years and have 7 kids . My eyes have been opened in the last few weeks and I am about 2 weeks out from DDay! Every single day I find out about more lies, his lies literally never stop! He tries to manipulate and control me every time I turn around. I posted a short but long version of my story in the I'm new here forum!!

I would love it if y'all would give me advice and some encouragement because this sucks!

My appointment with my attorney is the 5th of July!!

WornDown posted 6/27/2017 11:53 AM

Does anyone have a success story in divorcing NPD partner? Looking for some light at the end of the tunnel.

What do you mean by a success story?

I separated/divorced from my ex 3 years ago; took 18 months to resolve custody/property; finally got custody of my son 11 months ago.

Since then, I've slowly been rebuilding my life, had a girlfriend for 2 years (that ended in Feb), but am back dating, my kids are thriving (one a JR in college, the other will be a FR in college, son is going to be a Fr in HS).

And, I made my last CS payment to the ex last month! No more formal ties to her!

But, she's been in lots of trouble with the law (latest was ID fraud of oldest DD), will likely be going to jail sometime this summer, the kids can't stand her, and she doesn't support them at all.

So, she doesn't affect my day-to-day life, but casts a shadow over the kids, but they are detaching themselves and setting boundaries with her.

I guess that's success.

CharliB posted 6/27/2017 19:11 PM

@ worndown.
I guess that's kinda what I mean by success. I mean finally free of them, as much as you can be with kids. Not financially or emotionally victimized.

@ihavehadenough
i will look for your story in the other forum.
Sorry you are here with us but welcome. We are here to help each other navigate this sh*t.

CharliB posted 6/27/2017 19:38 PM

@ihavehadenough

I just finished reading your story and it is very similar to mine. I think I took longer to wake up and smell the coffee lol. I was married for 24+ years. I have now been separated for 16 months. Had a part time job when I separated and now have 2 part time jobs because my stbxh doesn't support me at all. Is on the path to financial ruin. He refused to give me a legal separation so I am going for D. Haven't filed yet because it is taking me time to save up for legal fees and to get on my feet. I have 4 boys. One who lives full time with his dad, one in University and 2 ( twins ) who live with me, mostly. My stbxh had 1 long term affair and several short term and hook ups.

cantaccept posted 8/1/2017 20:01 PM

Successful, yes I have that. We did not have children together so that was in my favor.

I actually got off pretty easily. The house and mortgage were in my name only. Long story there with lots of lies.

I have a job that lets me survive.

I did have to file contempt, twice, because of non-payment of spousal support. I did get that. The kicker was it was only $300/ month for 2 years because he lied on the financial affidavit. It would have cost me more to prove than I ever would have seen so I had to just let it go.

I have blocked him in every possible way so no contact is now the norm. Although he does slip under the protective barriers from time to time.

I am finally feeling mostly healed. I do still have some "issues". Dating a nice man and that opens up a whole new can of worms for me.

I am pretty fortunate that he seems to really get the residual effects and is patient and understanding with me. I don't have to hide my anxiety or fears. He has empathy!

I have a life now. I go out and play music with friends. My sons come over to visit. I have one son living with me now. He is amazing. He is amazing and kind and helpful. That would never have been possible when with x.

So yes, I would say that I have successfully divorced the narcissistic blight.

A bit of insight into how they remain so consistently the same. His last girlfriend, not one of the ow, contacted me. She was in a bit of a mess. Here words to me, "I think he is a sociopath!" We talked a bit. It was very validating for me and I hope for her. My decision to get out was the right one.

Oh yes, he is being sued for the second time for not paying his credit card debt. He was granted a payment plan and did not honor it. $10,000! Wonder what they do the second time?

So grateful I no longer have a circus or any monkeys!

Honestgirl posted 8/6/2017 20:20 PM

I am in the middle of a divorce from a wacky narcissistic man. He has been working on the kids lately with his "woe is me" pathetic sob story mess of lies. They worry about him when he gets into their heads. He whines about not having any money and takes every opportunity to complain to them about it. He tells them I have been prolonging the divorce process by not cooperating and changing the rules of engagement. This is precisely what he has done since day one!

He got all butt hurt right before the custody agreement was presented to the judge and started telling the kids what a bad mother I am. Long story short , on the day of, the judge almost threw his lawyer out for being uncooperative and prolonging the whole process. He was trying to insist that the financial part of the settlement was agreed upon before my WH would sign the custody agreement.

The judge said you don't mix money with kids and get on board or my WH was going to end up with no custody instead of shared custody.

He has my in laws buffaloed into thinking my youngest is in peril if my husband isn't around. This is because I work. And he'll be alone "a lot". (he won't once school starts). He'll be 14 when this is all said and done!!!

My WH is working anyone who will listen. It is sad.

Money must be super tight for him boo hoo. Hm it can't be too bad, he hasn't looked for a job yet. He goes out every single night. He golfs all weekend long. He goes to concerts. He goes on vacations. He smokes two packs of Marlboros a day.

Guess who pays for all of it? Me that's who. It's almost more than I can stand but that's what you get for living in a no-fault state. You get your divorce on demand but no one gives a shit as to why or how much the BS is suffering.

He is such a shiftless POS I can't stand it!!!!!

On a good note, things are starting to disappear from the house. Mostly his personal things. But today I noticed a big jar of change was gone. My DS18 said WH took it. He's worried about money according to DS. It took all my strength not to spout off about him getting a job. I didn't think it was right to say that to my sons (18 and 13). I have tried hard not to bad mouth him. I am trying so hard just to keep NC and keep my mouth shut and keep my eyes on the goal line but damn is it hard some days.

I could say so many things to my kids, but I won't. I could say so many things to my POS WH, or his parents or siblings, but I won't. Getting him out of my life will be my sweet reward. I cannot wait!!!!!!!!

travels posted 8/6/2017 20:51 PM

Just wondering if any of you had your NPD constantly accuse you of not loving him enough? At times, it was daily when he would tell me I didn't love him. Other times it was a few times a week.
I blamed myself for a long time over this. Then I started dating again, and not once have I been questioned about my feelings.

Is this a NPD trait, or was it just him?

cantaccept posted 8/7/2017 07:05 AM

Just wondering if any of you had your NPD constantly accuse you of not loving him enough?

In my experience nothing was ever enough. There just was no way to ever please him.

It was either not enough or too much.

I was too happy or not happy enough. I was pessimistic or I was too optimistic. I worked to hard or I was lazy. I was too friendly or not friendly enough. I talked too much or I was too quiet.

Nothing was ever right. It did take me some time to sort out all of this criticism. When I was with him I really took all of this to heart. I questioned myself and my behavior constantly. It really took quite a while and talking with others to realize it was just him and had nothing to do with all of my personality "defects".

travels posted 8/7/2017 08:05 AM

Thanks can!

Looking back, I should have sought out IC after he blew my world apart. Unfortunately, I listened all the put downs by him and my mother & sister. Nothing was ever enough for any of them. I truly believed it was all me.

I thought I had moved past all of it and truly believed and felt I was so much better off without him. Yet, every now and then something creeps back up that has me second guessing myself.

You are right, though. Something always had to be "wrong." We couldn't go a day with just being. It could range from his big toe hurting, to him hearing a song and insisting I was going to break up with him, to a friend not asking him to the movies. Then the spiral would begin.

They really do a number on us.

[This message edited by travels at 10:39 AM, August 7th (Monday)]

cantaccept posted 8/7/2017 08:21 AM

I had to stop IC after the second dday. It was just not in my budget. I did lots of reading about abuse. I also have a life long friend, friends since I was 11! He knows me. He listened to me for hours, hundreds of hours. I don't know how I would have untangled it without him. He helped me see and even more importantly, believe the truth.

I still have to untangle things but I thing the pile is getting smaller.

It is very important to be careful who you share with. I discovered that my sisters are not safe. That was a tough one to accept.

These "special ones" sure can mess with your mind. That boiling frog syndrome.

travels posted 8/7/2017 10:52 AM

My Ex & my mother and sister hated each other. Isn't there something that NPDs can't stand each other? My proof was him and the two of them! They made me feel like I was crazy.

I know what you mean about being careful who you confide in. So many friends would listen for so long and then take the "you just need to get over him" stance. If only it were that easy.

NC with them is the only way to go. I read your bio, can. Mine sucked me back in a few times also. The last time I spoke to him, I screamed at him to never contact me again, then sobbed I loved him, and hung up. Thankfully, he hasn't. I'm sure it's some noble "high road" he has taken in his mind, but I don't care. It's the only way I've been able to move on.

Remember, NC also means no social media. I'm not on FB, but occasionally use my father's account to look up old friends. I enjoy seeing how they have earned jobs and their families growing. Well, my ex commented on a former friend's post about how he had stopped drinking and was a productive member of society now. At first, I didn't care, then down the self doubt & second guessing myself rabbit hole I went. Years later, and he can still get to me. I'm not proud of it, but learned my lesson. (He is still with the OW he left me for. I think that bothers me more than anything. Why hasn't he imploded their life yet?)

The best thing about SI is knowing I'm not alone with these things. For so long I thought it was me, but turns out it was him.

[This message edited by travels at 1:16 PM, August 7th (Monday)]

CharliB posted 8/7/2017 12:25 PM

@ honestgirl:
You live in my world! Sounds like our situations are very similar.
@ travels:
"not loving enough". It's never enough. There are not enough ego cookies in the world for these guys. Mine was always and still is constantly looking for affirmation from whoever will give it to him.

WornDown posted 8/7/2017 13:42 PM

Just wondering if any of you had your NPD constantly accuse you of not loving him enough? At times, it was daily when he would tell me I didn't love him.

There's a book on BPD called, "I Hate You! Don't Leave Me!"

I think the personality disordered have many similar traits across the different varieties, so...

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