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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I am a bad wayward
tangledknot
♀ Member
Member # 43927
Stop  Posted: 11:50 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am really struggling today, so I hope you don't mind me wallowing in here for a little bit.

I am not remorseful. I am beginning to feel more and more defensive and prickly when my BS lashes out at me or when he responds to me with snide remarks. I don't like him. I am not empathetic.

I am trying REALLY HARD to do the right things. I want to be remorseful. I want to show compassion and empathy for my BS. I want to move on from this and heal myself; help my BS heal, and improve my marriage. I want all of these things, but I am feeling so hopeless right now.

I miss my AP. For the record, I have honored NC. I have not reached out to him, and I have not heard from him since a couple days past d-day. It's been almost a month.

Here is a question: If I stick with this, will things get better?


Posts: 176 | Registered: Jun 2014
outtamymind
♂ Member
Member # 33607
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's very hard to feel remorse and to have empathy while you're still longing for your AP. You're suffering from withdrawal.

The longing for my AP absolutely KILLED my marriage and totally effed with my head.

You need to go "mental NC" in addition to physical NC. I'll bump "Maia's guide to withdrawal". Give it a read. There are tips in there that will help you.


Me: FWS 45

Divorced


Posts: 323 | Registered: Oct 2011
sorrowfulmate
♂ Member
Member # 43441
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tangled,

You are going to feel defensive, that is how we are. However we have to suck it up.

Someone bumped Mias withdrawal guide. Look it over.


Me-WS 50
Her-BS 50 Questioningall
5 kids
Dday 1 12/12
Dday 2 - 3/14 EAs, 2 ONS, 1 LTA
TT until 7/14 when I gave a timeline
"Good night, Sorrowful. Good work. Sleep well. I can always divorce you in the morning." Dread BW Roberts

Posts: 208 | Registered: May 2014
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is a question: If I stick with this, will things get better?

Let go of the outcome. It may get better, it may get worse, it may stay the same.

You have to fix you for you. Not for him, not for the M, not for kids, not for reputation, not cause its the right thing to do. But because you want to be the best you, that you can be.

For the first 2 months after dday I had to seriously look at at my BS and my M and determine "Did I want this?" This is a huge commitment, lots of dark days ahead of you. So you have to make that choice. One direction or the other.

So in answer to your question, If you stick with your healing things will get better with or without your BS. You will feel better about yourself. And become a healthy and safe person. And LOVE YOURSELF.


Moving from Jekyll the destroyer to Jekyll the rebuilder.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women


Posts: 697 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
outtamymind
♂ Member
Member # 33607
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I bumped Maia's guide for you.

You feel defensive and cannot feel remorse because of the feelings you're still having about your AP. You're in conflict, and when your BS asks you questions, your mind is trying to reconcile that conflict. No one wins.

Until you distance yourself physically and mentally from your AP....total NC, you're not going to feel remorse or empathy.


Me: FWS 45

Divorced


Posts: 323 | Registered: Oct 2011
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TK,

Are you really missing your AP, or are you missing how the whole thing made you feel?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5056 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok - I am going to come at this from a different angle. I've read your other posts - you seem to harbor a great deal of resentment towards your BH and this was pre-A. Why?


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5969 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think MJ has a point here as well. I had the same issue TK and it did hold me back until I learned to put it on the shelf and work on me and find remorse.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5056 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What MJ said x2.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6290 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
newdaytomorrow
♂ New Member
Member # 44129
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have struggled here too.
You want to move forward with your marriage. I told myself this as well. I realized I couldn't move forward because I was still thinking of myself with OW or I missed the feelings of the A. I wasn't moving forward or allowing myself to be fully committed to my marriage. I thought I was angry at BW which allowed me to push back to the AP. You are building anger, that's not healthy. Tell your husband how you feel.
There are dark days ahead, but it does get much better. Love for your spouse gets better.

[This message edited by newdaytomorrow at 5:22 AM, July 24th (Thursday)]


Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: OH
familyfirst
♀ Member
Member # 42651
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can say that missing AP will get better. Time heals wounds. The longer you hold him in your thoughts and heart, the longer it will take to stop missing him. So it's really your choice how long you want the pain to continue

It sounds to me like you think you have to pick door #1 - BS or
door #2 - AP
Not true. Stopping the A does not mean you have choosen BS. It means you are a good person who doesn't intentionally hurt people. Great job on making it a month with NC! Don't fall off the wagon now. It's not worth it. I had failed NCs and each one was progressively more heart wrenching.

I think there's a lot to your statement

I don't like him (BS)
If you were in my office I'd play the 5 whys game with you. Try it
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/5_Whys


Posts: 223 | Registered: Mar 2014
tangledknot
♀ Member
Member # 43927
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am at work and I could just curl up under my desk and wail like a baby. I absolutely miss the way AP's attention made me feel. I am definitely in major withdrawal. The last couple weeks have been awful.

My BS is innocent. He is a good, honest, trustworthy, kind person, and right now I can barely stand him. He has always tried to do the right things. His heart has always been in the right place. But, he has led our family into some major challenges that I don't feel comfortable cataloguing here. I have encouraged him and supported him through these challenges and kept my mouth shut because I didn't want to hurt his feelings.

Now that we have my infidelity to contend with, I think that the last 5 years of me stuffing my resentment is just erupting. I can't control it. On top of that, he wants me to quit my job, which makes me feel very insecure.

AP was my little escape or my "happy place." I think being at work aggravates the itch.


Posts: 176 | Registered: Jun 2014
tangledknot
♀ Member
Member # 43927
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

familiyfirst, thank you for your response. You are talking me off the ledge here and I really appreciate it. It's good to know I am not choosing between one or the other. I never knew I could do something so awful like this and I never would have thought that turning things around would be such an internal struggle for me. I am feeling so much pressure to do the right thing, to save my marriage, and I am just crumbling.


Posts: 176 | Registered: Jun 2014
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think being at work aggravates the itch

Could this be why your H wants you to quit?

Whether you work out your M or not, isn't this something you want to fix in you?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5056 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
tangledknot
♀ Member
Member # 43927
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tired girl,

Yes, I do want to fix this in me. My "career" is a big problem and I have needed to make changes for a long time. BS wants me to quit like tomorrow. That's way too fast for me. I feel like I need a few months.

My job is also what has kept us afloat for the last five years, and it is what we rely on for benefits and such. It makes me nervous to up and quit, and if the marriage doesn't work, I have lost my means of supporting my daughter and myself. I admit this is a selfish fear, but the concern is there.


Posts: 176 | Registered: Jun 2014
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you sit down with him and work out a timeline for finding another job that would work for both of you?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5056 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Lostcat
♀ Member
Member # 43940
Default  Posted: 3:17 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand exactly how you're feeling - this was me after DDay. Unfortunately AP contacted me after about a month and I ended up breaking NC on and off for a while. The worst thing I ever did - I will regret it for ever and I causes BH so much pain. It's worse than the actual A.

Be strong. Your feelings for AP will fade and the more you come out of it the more you will realise how much you've hurt your BH and the more feelings of remorse you'll have. It takes time.

Look after yourself.


Me WW 40
BH 38
2 kids 4 & 7
DDay 06/01/13, false R til 01/06/14
S til 03/23/14, now in hopeful R
So grateful for this chance

Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2014
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 4:38 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My "career" is a big problem and I have needed to make changes for a long time. BS wants me to quit like tomorrow. That's way too fast for me. I feel like I need a few months.
So what's more important to you, your job or your marriage?

It's OK if it's your job, that's your choice. It just would be more honest if you told your BS that he wasn't as important, so he can make a choice.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TK

I have noticed a few things here.

1. you are very angry with your BS
2. you still miss the feelings from AP
3. you are holding onto your job as security

It is sounding like this was an "exit A" and now you are having second thoughts. As my BS has told me, there is nothing crueler than having an "exit A" and not exiting.

It sounds like, if you knew your BS would work on the things that have made you resentful over the years. Than you would want to work this through. But you are scared that if you give up your career, and come to the point that you do not see the changes you want on your BS, you will regret it.

does that sound right? or am I off base here?


Moving from Jekyll the destroyer to Jekyll the rebuilder.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women


Posts: 697 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you like the person you were during your A? Lying and not trustworthy? Because that is what you shared with your AP.

I am not saying that staying in your M is the right thing. You need to figure that out. I do believe that you cannot build a life on a crumbling foundation. The person you were during the A, and honestly mostly still are today, is not the best foundation to move forward.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 616 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
Topic Posts: 24
Pages: 1 · 2

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