My thinking and intentions have not been clear to me at all, but I think you have hit the nail on the head. Last night, my BS accused me of being in false reconciliation and said that I am still having an emotional affair in my head. He said that he needs to protect his feelings, and I respect him for that. I didn't consider myself in false reconciliation or that I was still having an affair, but I see that he is right. We have begun talking about separation.
I don't know what is up or down right now. I am completely messed up. I am not on solid ground. I am terrified of quitting my job. It's not a matter of choosing my job over my husband. It is much, much deeper than that.
Here are the questions I am asking myself right now:
1. would separating help bring me into the light?
2. would throwing caution to the wind and quitting my job help bring me into the light?
When I say "into the light," I mean 100% emotionally and spiritually committed to reconciliation - nothing getting in the way.
I have always considered myself a moral person. This experience has completely pulled the rug out from under my feet.