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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Vulnerability, trust, and true intimacy
RipsInMyChest
♀ Member
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it possible after infidelity????

I really like Brene Brown. I want to live an authentic life, embracing vulnerability and intimacy. No games with my H. No hidden insecurities. I want to have love and trust that is given and returned equally and without fear.

Maybe I need to heal more...or be braver...but I just can't see that it's possible after infidelity. It seems almost super human to completely trust again. To believe that he is telling me the complete truth. To believe that he will ALWAYS remain radically honest and loyal.

Thoughts? Advice?


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 282 | Registered: Oct 2013
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. But I believe that the WS has to go to great lengths to prove themselves with actions. If they have not done this the BS will always wonder and hold back.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5155 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
KatieG
♀ Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd like to know too! Concentrating on myself more now but to have this both ways would be amazing. Not convinced it's possible at the moment though.


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 503 | Registered: Nov 2013
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

is it possible after infidelity????

I really like Brene Brown. I want to live an authentic life, embracing vulnerability and intimacy. No games with my H. No hidden insecurities. I want to have love and trust that is given and returned equally and without fear.

Maybe I need to heal more...or be braver...but I just can't see that it's possible after infidelity. It seems almost super human to completely trust again. To believe that he is telling me the complete truth. To believe that he will ALWAYS remain radically honest and loyal.

Thoughts? Advice?

I read on another forum a women posting that she realized that she would never trust her wayward spouse 100 percent again.

But to her mind that was a gift, because she should never have bestowed 100 percent trust on anyone.

Even if a person is trustworthy, we need to realize that their are issues and circumstances that might arise that might cause them to change, either permanently or temporarily.

The best we can hope for is that our waywards were only changed temporarily and that the deception of the affair will be a one time thing.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
RipsInMyChest
♀ Member
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even if a person is trustworthy, we need to realize that their are issues and circumstances that might arise that might cause them to change, either permanently or temporarily.

I don't mean blind trust....I mean the step before trust would be needed. I want to believe that he has REALLY changed. Knowing that if there was a change in thought or attitude, my H would be RADICALLY HONEST about that shift LONG before any inappropriate actions took place. Thought precedes action.

I want to fully trust that he is being honest about his loathing of infidelity, his feelings on marriage, his commitment to integrity and authentic living, and his love for me.

Will he tell me the minute he has an URGE to look at porn (as opposed to fighting that urge for a while in secret, then doing it and THEN being honest and transparent that he did it)?

Will he tell me of an attraction he has for a coworker the very day he knows that attraction exists or will he think I can't handle that information because of his ONS and keep it to himself so as not to stir up trouble?

If he begins to feel bored, trapped, or have a need for more excitement or escape as the years move forward, will he have a discussion with me or just try to fight it on his own?

I do not want to live my life wondering what is REALLY in his head. Wondering if he is just telling me what I want to hear because of his infidelity. It sucks because I know there is no absolute certainty....but there should be if 2 people are being radically honest about their attitudes, opinions, desires and feelings. There can be no surprises then. Thought precedes action.

He admitted to me that in the year preceding his ONS he had become curious about how others seemed to have a good time cheating. He began to glamorize "la vida loca" in his mind. He started to want to feel young and out of control. He began to be very attracted to OW....all of which he kept from me. He had NO inappropriate contact with her during that time...just a shift in thinking and attitude. Then his perfect stress storm came and there she was offering...but his thoughts LONG preceded any action.

[This message edited by RipsInMyChest at 1:55 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 282 | Registered: Oct 2013
steppingup
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it possible after infidelity????

Perhaps, it really depends on the person.

I really like Brene Brown. I want to live an authentic life, embracing vulnerability and intimacy. No games with my H. No hidden insecurities. I want to have love and trust that is given and returned equally and without fear.

Yes, this is what we all want, but this is often what WS hide from BS. They think they want intimacy, but what they want is compartmentilized intimacy. They want to have a domestic life then put other aspects into the outside bucket. We want the outside bucket to be an inside bucket where we get all of them but they are too selfish or insecure or whatever to let us into that world, that is why they need someone they can risk with, simple risks and if it does not turn out well, they can or think they can just, "walk away"..no harm no foul?!

Maybe I need to heal more...or be braver...but I just can't see that it's possible after infidelity.

It is possible but yes, sooooooo rare to get. Now betrayed three times, likely more EAs not disclosed it seems impossible to think that intimacy and trust can be fixed and if you knew me you would be surprised since I am one of the most optomistic persons I've ever met, and I meet alot of people like me...professionals, successful people, wealthy people, people some would think that this kind of stuff doesn't happen to...it happens to everyone except those who do not risk in love.

It seems almost super human to completely trust again. To believe that he is telling me the complete truth. To believe that he will ALWAYS remain radically honest and loyal.

Well, take it from someone who completely trusted again and then years later found out about all kinds of Bull Shit and cheating and EAs and new PA...when forgiveness is given then broken again the pain cannot be measured.

Thoughts? Advice?

You should only forgive and trust again if you are willing to be cut to the core on another affair. You have to know you know why the affair happened, you need to know it was fixed (his mind), otherwise you will be like me...sitting in IC and in disbelief about yet another train wreck that my life has become...only this time little children complicate matters far far worse....

You have to be able to take the risk and be courageous. Yes you are more courageous than your husband, sounds odd, nope its true, if he was not a coward (sorry to insult him), he would never have had an affair behind your back and put the OW on her back....nope, never. COWARDS.


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

"If you are a side dish, and you become their spouse, just remember, the side dish position is open again" - Foolme1


Posts: 646 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He admitted to me that in the year preceding his ONS he had become curious about how others seemed to have a good time cheating. He began to glamorize "la vida loca" in his mind. He started to want to feel young and out of control. He began to be very attracted to OW....all of which he kept from me.

He had NO inappropriate contact with her during that time...just a shift in thinking and attitude. Then his perfect stress storm came and there she was offering...but his thoughts LONG preceded any action.

Well, in my personal philosophy the reason affairs are on the rise is the way society glamorizes and romanticizes affairs.

Affairs used to be considered sleazy, now they are trendy.

Not sure what we can do to change that.

Trust but verify. That's all we can do.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
Topic Posts: 7

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