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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Is it possible to learn to forgive and trust your spouse again?
Thyme2LetGo
♀ New Member
Member # 44212
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just recently found out my fiance cheated on me and I am stuck.This is my best friend who pledged his fidelity and love to me when he put the ring on my finger.
I have nightmares and intrusive thoughts on a daily basis. I feel ugly,used,depressed and I could go on.
The worst part is he flaunted it in my face not even trying to hide it. He has lied numerous times about pretending to break it off with her. It sickens me to have had to listen to him go on about how beautiful she was and how she understood him,often comparing me to her both physically and emotionally.Knowing he said and did the same things with her that he did with me has just about destroyed me. Things that were intimate and sacred are now meaningless. I question every detail of our relationship when something is new or different wondering is this what he did with her?
This went on for months before I finally had the strength to break it off and that is when he claims to have realized how much he loves and begged me for a second chance. Reluctantly I took him back and now part of me regrets it and wishes I had never met him. The resentment I feel builds everyday. I have never felt such anger and repulsiveness towards another person as I feel towards him.
He blamed me for the affair saying he was angry at me because he had to get help for the issues he was having.
We are planning on getting married soon and I feel numb as I read the ceremony, no joy or love just numbness.
I am beginning to despise the person I have become.Before the affair I accepted myself and trusted people,giving them the benefit of the doubt.Now I don't trust anyone, I am very suspicious bordering on being paranoid. I feel myself becoming a very bitter person, angry all the time and shutting the world out. I want to stop feeling this way but I don't know where to begin. How do you heal when the depths of the pain and betrayal run so very deep.
I wonder if it is worth continuing to fight to salvage what is left of our relationship and to try to rebuild the trust that was taken away. Or do I just walk away?

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jul 2014
ncharge
♀ Member
Member # 42365
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"He blamed me for the affair saying he was angry at me because he had to get help for the issues he was having."

So, this is a precedent that he is setting. Do you really want to spend your life with someone who blames you because they have an issue? You have a chance to stop yourself from making a mistake. You can walk away. You can also refuse to marry until he fixes his issues and you have begun to trust him again. It doesn't sound like he is fixing his issues. At least wait!


Posts: 111 | Registered: Feb 2014
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say, walk away and count your blessings. Some things happen in your life to surface to steer from a bad choice. Boy, did he ever show you that!

If you fell THIS horrible and resentful now before the wedding, imagine 5, 10, 20 ears down the road having to remember that special day tainted by your fiance's betrayal. That's one hell of a compartmentalization project if I ever heard one.

So my questions is why are YOU having to fight and salvage this relationship? He's the one that threw it and the affair in your face then wants you to rug-sweep in time for the big day? Do you see red flags unfurling in the distance?

Bottom line - he is 100% at fault for CHOOSING to have an affair. You did nothing to earn that kind of abuse, no matter what. When people show you who they are, believe them.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 571 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say, walk away and count your blessings. Some things happen in your life to surface to steer from a bad choice. Boy, did he ever show you that!

If you fell THIS horrible and resentful now before the wedding, imagine 5, 10, 20 ears down the road having to remember that special day tainted by your fiance's betrayal. That's one hell of a compartmentalization project if I ever heard one.

Ditto to that.

If you have the strength, perhaps walking away before you become to financially and emotionally entangled is the safest route.

You seem to already have one foot out the door, just stick the other one out, and ruuuunnnn.



“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1462 | Registered: May 2014
needfriendshere
♀ Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good grief! I hesitate to tell you to walk away when your wedding day is fast approaching. But from what you are saying, I have to agree with the other posters here. At a minimum, I would call off the wedding (call it "postponing it") and get into counseling together before even thinking of marrying him.

You are in the perfect place to "get out while you can". Some of us who have been married for years and have children who are begging us to stay together do not have the luxury of just walking away. You do and might want to.

I feel your pain and am so very sorry that a young girl who is about to face what should be one of the happiest days of her life is so miserable. (((Thyme@LetGo)))


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 431 | Registered: May 2014
wk55hn
♂ Member
Member # 44159
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if it is worth continuing to fight to salvage what is left of our relationship and to try to rebuild the trust that was taken away. Or do I just walk away?

I'm not saying you should break it off with this guy if you still want to give it a try, but I am definitely saying DON'T GET MARRIED while you still feel this way.

If you can't make up your mind, if you have more than a passing doubt, GIVE IT MORE TIME. Over time you will decide one way or the other.

Break off the engagement and let him "win you back." If he's not up to it, you have all the answer you need.


Posts: 402 | Registered: Jul 2014
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, first off, this is NOT your fault. It's called blameshifting for him to blame you. Read the Healing Library on the left of the screen. He CHOSE to deal that way, which is wrong.

Next, it's up to you what you do. No one can tell you right or wrong. It's a unique journey for each of us. I didn't know until after I married my husband that he cheated once before. I wish I would have known so I could have gotten out. That's me, though. I feel stuck because of those wedding vows and property and kids. You can take time and figure it out. If the wedding would be soon, I would put it off, though, and make sure you know what you want to do.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want...I have no idea

Posts: 1137 | Registered: Dec 2013
Lyonesse
♀ Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have never felt such anger and repulsiveness towards another person as I feel towards him.

We are planning on getting married soon

These two things don't go together. Are you both in IC? I don't hear you listing all the things he is doing to change and make you feel safe. That isn't good.


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1797 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, no. I tried and they were six horrible months. I wish I had left the day I found out.

If he can't be faithful (and I am assuming you had discussed fidelity) before you are married, he is showing you who he is. Trust him. and GO.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 636 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please, please postpone the wedding. You cannot make vows under these circumstances. You don't yet know if he has earned your trust back, you don't know if he is using you, you don't have a good foundation for a future--postpone or cancel the ceremony now, and then decide if you still want to try to R.

It is absolutely fine for this to be a dealbreaker after such emotional abuse. And to proceed ahead as if everything as fine is to do a terrible terrible disservice to yourself.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
10yearsafter
♂ Member
Member # 43139
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry you are here. He has treated you so badly. Walk away and find the man you deserve.

Posts: 225 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Texas
steppingup
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RED FLAG RED FLAG, no no no you cannot go through with this, sorry but you cannot. If you marry a man that said you are at fault for the affair and then you marry him your life will be nothing more than rubbish, the affairs will come and go, all the time.

RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And dont look back this guy has alraedy told you with his actions that his happiness is more valuable than a commitment. you cannot commit to someone who will not value a commitment. its like during your ceremony he will have his hand beind his back wtih fingers crossed when he says, "forsaking all others...." BULL, there is only one choice, go find someone like me who would have treated you well and be loyal to you all of your life 1000000% guaranteed!

Sorry, but this is a lost cause!

By the way you have PTSD Symptoms. Please have a IC evaluate your condition carefully. God bless.

[This message edited by steppingup at 3:20 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

“Whatever follows after DD is much more crucial than the infidelity action itself” Quote by SI Member Melian40

"I'm a good man, not an option" - Steppingup


Posts: 519 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
PNWDad
♂ New Member
Member # 40424
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't walk. RUN.

I ended up marrying my now XWW despite her cheating on me during our engagement. HUGE mistake. 18 years of marriage, 2 kids, and continued affairs finally took it's toll. He's already shown you who he is. Better to find out now than over the next 18 years and after you've had children with him. Consider yourself lucky. Don't ignore it.


BS:Me 45
WS:Her 43
DD 20
DS 17
Married June 29th, 1991
DDay's: 03/20/2001, 07/25/2007, 03/16/2009 False R through all of them.
I stayed anyway.
Sent her packing June 1st, 2010.
Divorce Final 12/21/2011. Best day of my life.

Posts: 30 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: PNWDad
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Thyme))))
This is not love. This is not healthy.
Pack your stuff and walk away.
Cut your losses. Learn from this and embrace the fact that you have been blessed to go through this before you married had kids or 20 years went by.

Do NOT allow yourself to accept the blame for his crappy choices, crapper coping skills, and pressure to move forward and just get married.
He wants to just sweep this under the rug and forget it. He would be the type to cheat on the honeymoon.
You are in an abusive situation and cannot see 8th for what it is. Get some therapy and try to understand why you are even considering accepting less than you deserve. Learn to be independent, healthy and happy just being you. When you do that you suddenly realize that you do not have to EVER tolerate less than you want or deserve.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8744 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
momentintime
♀ Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He wants the marriage so it won't be as easy for you to leave when you have had enough of his BS. He hasn't done enough to show you he can stay the course. Once married he will be complacent. He has you, and will think....we are married, I don't have to do anything further to fix myself. Unless he does the work, he will do this again.

At least the majority of waywards try to hide the A. They don't throw it in our faces. He didn't seem to care what damage he was doing to you. He wanted to hurt and humiliate you. He thinks you will take whatever he dishes out, especially if you marry him.

Take you time, postpone the wedding at least a year. Let him show you with his actions he is taking responsibility for the pain he caused you. That he is fixing himself and doing all the work necessary to make you feel safe. Right now, you don't feel safe. So don't marry him unless and UNTIL you do feel safe.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2988 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it possible to learn to forgive and trust your spouse again?

This is the wrong question and it indicates a mindset that allows him to continue blaming you because you are buying into it.

The correct question is-

Will he be able to earn your forgiveness and prove in the future that he is trustworthy?

He won't unless he pulls his head out of his ass and gets a serious attitude adjustment. It doesn't matter if he isn't currently cheating. He is still in a cheater's mind set and that is completely incapatible with true reconciliation.

He needs to make huge changes and fast or you should drop him. What is going on now is him trying to get you to rugsweep. If you have any respect for yourself do not allow this to continue. It will kill your soul. You deserve better.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 2027 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
BlueBlueEyes
♀ Member
Member # 43949
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very gently here because some of the above may seem harsh. I wholeheartedly agree with all of them. There are people who don't cheat. If you are hesitant it's for a very good reason. I don't know your fiancé but if you read some of our stories, you'll realize you're already at the beginning of ours! I sincerely don't want this for you. You may think it seems easy for an outsider to say this. I know you're afraid you may be alone. It is so much better to be alone by yourself than alone, broken and no self esteem in a marriage. ((( hugs)))


BW - 49
WH - 50
Married 30 years
Beautiful Son, Daughter and 2 Grandsons.

OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.

Hopeful but cautious


Posts: 194 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Texas
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's another one for walking away. You won't regret it in the long run. Don't wait until the kids and the bills come. There is someone out there that is not fucked up that will treat you with respect. Choose carefully knowing what you know now. I thought I chose carefully but was way off.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 617 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
MissWhoKnew
♀ New Member
Member # 43580
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thyme2LetGo:

It sickens me to have had to listen to him go on about how beautiful she was and how she understood him,often comparing me to her both physically and emotionally.

The hurt the betrayed person has to endure is bad enough. But, when we are questioning our own self-worth and believing we have none...He is mentally abusing you by making the comparisons that he knows will hurt you! This really bothers me and ticks me off!!

I have found over the past two months that when I finally let my WH clearly know that my staying in the marriage is conditional upon his actions he suddenly seemed to realize I was really ready to walk away. I never had been before. Everything changed at that moment in time.

I really like this saying...On particularly rough days, when I'm sure I can't endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days is 100% and that's pretty good!

[This message edited by MissWhoKnew at 11:54 PM, July 23rd, 2014 (Wednesday)]


Me:BW 51, Him:WH 56
DS 26, DD 24; Dday: 4/19/14
Married: 29 years
Reconcile: A work in progress...
Dday: 4/2014 TT for over a year.
------------------------------------
You're not alone in how you've been, everybody loses we all got bruises

Posts: 36 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Land of Oz
Losconang15
♀ Member
Member # 42544
Default  Posted: 5:21 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi-ho your ass out of this relationship. My one advice is to get out while you can. And if you think this is hard, consider how hard it will be in a couple of years, with marriage and KIDS under your belt. You're still able to walk away and gain some sanity and perspective back. Don't marry this guy because he is still in the wrong set of mind :/


Together - 14 years
Married - 7 years
DDay- Jan 15, 2014. WH had EA/PA

Hopeful reconciliation.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Feb 2014
Topic Posts: 37
Pages: 1 · 2

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