He showed you EXACTLY who he is. He victimized you once and not only blamed YOU for it, but bragged to you about how you don't even measure up to his OW.
He's going to do it to you again.
Your screen name is right. It's TIME TO LET GO!!!
The worst part is he flaunted it in my face not even trying to hide it. He has lied numerous times about pretending to break it off with her. It sickens me to have had to listen to him go on about how beautiful she was and how she understood him,often comparing me to her both physically and emotionally.
This is NOT a man who is sorry for hurting you. This is a man who will hurt you again, and again. And will continue to blame YOU for all of it. His actions show that he does not love you. His actions prove that he does not respect you. DO. NOT. MARRY. THIS. MAN.
You have no idea how many of us on here who are married with kids would LOVE to be able to run the other direction. Please take the opportunity while you still have it.
When we were engaged my WW committed adultery 3 times. She associated with 3 men with whom she had sex with multiple times before we started dating. She lied about it. The last one was just 7 weeks before our wedding. I found out. We talked about it but really rug swept it. On DDay 3 I also found out that she had a ONS with a fellow she met at a country club before we were engaged but after we were talking about a life together. She lied about it because, as she says now, she thought I would break up with her if I knew.
All through our marriage my WWs past kept invading our present. She did not initiate any contact and she did not commit adultery, to the best of my knowledge. However, she did hide some of the contacts until they came out later. I lived in sort of a daze because I never knew what was happening. I did not know then that she had an extremely active sex life before we started dating and that many of the players would continue to show up.
My WW started an active LTA with a COW in the 25th year of our marriage. It lasted over 3 years but contact continued to a monor degree for 10 years. They had sex at least once a week when they were both at work (you can plan vacation times to coincide - my WW was his supervisor for part of the time).
There was no or little consequences for the pre-marriage adultery. It was never dealt with. My WW had 3 ICs during the 25 years of marriage but it was always because she was unhappy with me. The last one was when she was committing adultery with POS COW and again her IC and her determined that I was abusive because I was asking questions. Her IC never knew she was committing adultery.
The time to have dealt with this was before marriage. I so wish I had done that. My WW was and is beautiful. She has become more beautiful now than when I married her. She is personable and intelligent. She filled the voids in my life. We have 3 beautiful daughters all successful professionally and personally. Two are married to men who adore them. We have 4 grandaughters.
Nonetheless, my life would have been so much different if I would have cut my losses just before marriage. In spite of all the positives of our life together it was all built on lies. In spite of all of the positives our marriage was never as good as it should have been. There was always a black cloud. There was always less than full commitment and investment in out lives together from my WW.
Please heed the advice given above. You have your whole life a head of you. There is someone special out there for you. Someone who is not trying to make their brokeness your fault. IT IS NOT YOU FAULT. THE FAULT IS ENTIRELY HIS. DO NOT WALK - RUN FROM THIS. IT WILL BE A LIFETIME OF UNHAPPINESS, BETRAYAL and ANGUISH.
My WW and I are attempting R. My make it, may not. We are now married 37 years. She has years of IC at $180/hour ahead of her. I am 63. I wish I would have made a better decision 37 years ago. But I loved her. I still do. 37 years ago I could have recovered and found someone else. I don't want to start over now but I may have to. Save yourself from a lifetime of pain now. God go with you.
Your WS continues to talk in circles and that is never a good sign. For example:
It sickens me to have had to listen to him go on about how beautiful she was and how she understood him,often comparing me to her both physically and emotionally.
He blamed me for the affair saying he was angry at me because he had to get help for the issues he was having.
Has he ever told you what issues he was having that led to having an affair.
His comments are contradictory and in reality make no sense.
I would certainly not get married at this point until he figures out just which end is up in his life.
On the list of how remorseful waywards behave, has he done any of it? Or is he just panicking because he's about to lose you? Because if his behavior is a panic-stricken rush to marry you and he's done no work to improve his boundaries with women and no work to figure out why he did it and he hasn't shown true remorse or willingly given you transparency, you will be put through this over and over again once he gets that "I do" out of you.
Without true remorse, you will be wishing you didn't. Over and over again. Don't wait until you have children together and feel like you can't walk away. Now is the time to make sure this is the right decision for you.
[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 11:57 AM, July 27th (Sunday)]
His self-centeredness never went away. He has given himself permission to desert me whenever he was uncomfortable. He has used porn for over half our marriage and neglected me. He had an affair while I was grieving the loss of my brother, nephew, and sister and while our three kids were abusing drugs. He is trying to change but its hard to change something so ingrained. He says he is sorry but he is who he is.
Your fiancee cruelly flaunted his affair. He tore you down with comparisons. He has broken your heart. Your feelings of anger and betrayal are healthy responses to the selfish/cruel way he has treated you. He blames you for his abusive behavior.
I have thought a lot about how my life would have been if I had walked away when I saw how little my now WH valued me while we were dating. Instead I bought his view and accepted that I was just lucky that he wanted to marry me. Its been a lonely life. Its also hard to walk away after 3 children, a mortgage, and a life that I lived with him in the center. If I do, it will be into nothingness. I lost my years and my self.
I hope you don't do it. There is someone who would truly love you and never put you through the pain this man has put you through. You have your life ahead of you. Find someone worthy of sharing it with you.
Your fiance is not repentant. He blames you for his cheating, and is cruel in rubbing it in your face.
Save yourself now, and be thankful you found out his true character before you married and had kids.
Best of luck to you.
Many of our responses will seem hard to you, please know that it is only that we have been hurt so much over the years, and don't want any youngster at the beginning of their life to potentially suffer in the same way.
Shut yourself away for a day, and read some of the stories on this site. Don't contact your fiancÚ just yet, you could always tell him your phone was playing up / you were sick tomorrow.
Have a good, long hard look and think about how some of the stories relate to aspects of YOUR situation.
Don't make your mind up immediately.
Can you talk to your parents about last minute nerves and postpone the wedding for 6 months?
Keep posting with your thoughts.
You have so many friends here who want to support you - whatever you decide.
Having said all that, Thyme, you should do it. Believe me, I know how much it sucks. I called off my wedding two weeks before the date. It was horrible and embarassing, but I'm glad I did it.
I am very new here, and have made many, many mistakes since my DD; I don't generally like to give advice, but I HAVE to tell you my thoughts.
Not gently, I'm sorry for that, but RUN RUN RUN as fast as you can. My first husband was a cheater, not on me, with his ex, but I knew his history. As our marriage date came closer and closer I started having so many doubts about what I was doing. I loved him, but he had already shown improper behavior, lying, verbal abuse, inappropriate emotions, lots of red flags. Deep down I knew I was making a huge mistake but felt I was in too deep with the wedding at that point to call it off.
Gently here, you don't even sound like you love him any more. And his love, if it exists, is toxic, he has already cheated, blamed you, flaunted it, hurt you.
Not a day goes by (40 years later) that I don't regret not backing out when I could. I WASTED 15 years of my life. He turned out to be the worst husband in the world, and I'm here now because my current husband just had a 2 year affair; I can still say #1 was worse.
Only you can know what's in your heart. But there is no good reason to marry him now. If you don't want to back off completely, postpone it. See if he's willing to even go to counseling. My guess is he won't; he doesn't think he did anything wrong, never will.
Please please think very carefully about what you do. Everyone here is right; you have a chance to nix this whole thing before you become financially involved, have children, etc.; all the things that make it difficult to leave later.
If you can, talk to a counselor before you make any decisions. If you are a Christian, talk to your pastor. This is going to be the most important decision you will make for a very long time.
You cannot marry a man you loathe, don't trust, doesn't respect you, and can blame you for his shitty choices, and flaunt it with such disrespect. I hope I am not being harsh or mean, I'm just so truly scared for you.
Been there, done that. Follow your gut.
Walk and never look back! Take care of yourself.
DDAY 4/17/2013 my father's anniversary death date.
2013 to present: TT big time
9 more women PAs all of our 17 years of marriage. Never had a clue until TT in the last year. Showe
I know I don't want to continue to live in a constant state of panic,fear and mistrust. I want to be happy again and feel loved and respected.
And you will be happy and loved again. But you have to love yourself first.
It is important that you do NOT get married at this point. Marriage is a lifetime commitment, and your fiancÚ has a long way to go in self-growth until he is a healthy partner---if that is even possible. Don't get married out of fear or obligation...it always ends badly.
You may never trust your spouse again. And if you do, it will be a long, slow building process---because of the cruelty in which he has displayed. If you walk away today, tomorrow, or next week, then you have nothing to apologize for. But what is important is that you do process this entire betrayal, and work through it via IC, this website, books, friends of support, or whatever helps you understand...from the bottom of your heart...that none of this is your fault. That there are broken people out there, and some of them have it in them to fix themselves, while others do not. You also need to eventually choose to either reconcile or leave, because living in a state of flux will absolutely wear you down over time.
You don't have to make a decision today. Try to read and post here more often---you will be amazed at the amount of support that is right at your fingertips.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
I'm very happy to hear you started IC. Their cheating hurts us to the very core and can make us lose touch with ourselves. I hope the therapist is a good fit for you, but if perhaps you begin to think they are not, that you'll look for a new one rather than quit altogether.
I am very sorry to hear the way your church has abandoned you. That's just wrong. I suppose push has come to shove and you now know they aren't who you thought they were.
Any additional betrayal on top of our spouses makes us question what in our life was genuine. I had some friends that I thought were very close, turn on me after dday. It's times like these you find out who your real friends are.
I'm glad you feel supported here. I also felt like this was the only place where people understood me.
Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson
Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.