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User Topic: Is it possible to learn to forgive and trust your spouse again?
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why, in the name of ALL that is holy, are you going ahead and marrying this jerk?

He showed you EXACTLY who he is. He victimized you once and not only blamed YOU for it, but bragged to you about how you don't even measure up to his OW.

He's going to do it to you again.

And again.

And again.

Your screen name is right. It's TIME TO LET GO!!!


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
jiang
♂ New Member
Member # 43911
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has show you who he really is. Is that the person you want to be with for the next few decades, knowing of his deceitful behavior and disrespect of you?


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The worst part is he flaunted it in my face not even trying to hide it. He has lied numerous times about pretending to break it off with her. It sickens me to have had to listen to him go on about how beautiful she was and how she understood him,often comparing me to her both physically and emotionally.

This is NOT a man who is sorry for hurting you. This is a man who will hurt you again, and again. And will continue to blame YOU for all of it. His actions show that he does not love you. His actions prove that he does not respect you. DO. NOT. MARRY. THIS. MAN.

You have no idea how many of us on here who are married with kids would LOVE to be able to run the other direction. Please take the opportunity while you still have it.


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Living in limbo

Posts: 380 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
steadychevy
♂ Member
Member # 42608
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have had such good suggestions in all of the previous responses. At the risk of boring you I want to give you a brief (if I can - usually I get carried away) description of our situation.

When we were engaged my WW committed adultery 3 times. She associated with 3 men with whom she had sex with multiple times before we started dating. She lied about it. The last one was just 7 weeks before our wedding. I found out. We talked about it but really rug swept it. On DDay 3 I also found out that she had a ONS with a fellow she met at a country club before we were engaged but after we were talking about a life together. She lied about it because, as she says now, she thought I would break up with her if I knew.

All through our marriage my WWs past kept invading our present. She did not initiate any contact and she did not commit adultery, to the best of my knowledge. However, she did hide some of the contacts until they came out later. I lived in sort of a daze because I never knew what was happening. I did not know then that she had an extremely active sex life before we started dating and that many of the players would continue to show up.

My WW started an active LTA with a COW in the 25th year of our marriage. It lasted over 3 years but contact continued to a monor degree for 10 years. They had sex at least once a week when they were both at work (you can plan vacation times to coincide - my WW was his supervisor for part of the time).

There was no or little consequences for the pre-marriage adultery. It was never dealt with. My WW had 3 ICs during the 25 years of marriage but it was always because she was unhappy with me. The last one was when she was committing adultery with POS COW and again her IC and her determined that I was abusive because I was asking questions. Her IC never knew she was committing adultery.

The time to have dealt with this was before marriage. I so wish I had done that. My WW was and is beautiful. She has become more beautiful now than when I married her. She is personable and intelligent. She filled the voids in my life. We have 3 beautiful daughters all successful professionally and personally. Two are married to men who adore them. We have 4 grandaughters.

Nonetheless, my life would have been so much different if I would have cut my losses just before marriage. In spite of all the positives of our life together it was all built on lies. In spite of all of the positives our marriage was never as good as it should have been. There was always a black cloud. There was always less than full commitment and investment in out lives together from my WW.

Please heed the advice given above. You have your whole life a head of you. There is someone special out there for you. Someone who is not trying to make their brokeness your fault. IT IS NOT YOU FAULT. THE FAULT IS ENTIRELY HIS. DO NOT WALK - RUN FROM THIS. IT WILL BE A LIFETIME OF UNHAPPINESS, BETRAYAL and ANGUISH.

My WW and I are attempting R. My make it, may not. We are now married 37 years. She has years of IC at $180/hour ahead of her. I am 63. I wish I would have made a better decision 37 years ago. But I loved her. I still do. 37 years ago I could have recovered and found someone else. I don't want to start over now but I may have to. Save yourself from a lifetime of pain now. God go with you.


BH(me)63; WW 57; M 37 yrs
DDay1-01/09/13;DDay2-26/10/13;DDay3-19/12/13;DDay4-21/01/14
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
EA different COW 2001-2014? PA AP jealous of EA PA
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, li

Posts: 163 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Canada
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Understanding usually leads to forgiveness. If you can understand why a BS does what he/she has done, than you can forgive.

Your WS continues to talk in circles and that is never a good sign. For example:

It sickens me to have had to listen to him go on about how beautiful she was and how she understood him,often comparing me to her both physically and emotionally.
If he is comparing you to her, than why was he ever with her in the first place?

And:

He blamed me for the affair saying he was angry at me because he had to get help for the issues he was having.
Why is he blaming you for his affair when he is the one that needs help.

Has he ever told you what issues he was having that led to having an affair.

His comments are contradictory and in reality make no sense.

I would certainly not get married at this point until he figures out just which end is up in his life.


Posts: 4271 | Registered: Jun 2002
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Waywards are very good at sucking you back in with the right words and actions for a short time. (We call it hoovering). But real remorse looks different. Remorseful waywards help you heal. They don't blame you for their actions. They do things that make you feel safe and prove to you that they get what they did, why they did it, and they are actively working to never do it again. They give you transparency (passwords to phone, email, social networks) and don't get upset when you check up on them, ever. They understand that you will have triggers that cause you to check more and triggers that make you relive the affair. They help you work through the triggers by being supportive and encouraging you to check what you need. They apologize WITHOUT blaming so no half-ass apologize like "I'm sorry you're hurting" instead of "I'm sorry I hurt you" or "I'm sorry but you shouldn't have... or you didn't...".

On the list of how remorseful waywards behave, has he done any of it? Or is he just panicking because he's about to lose you? Because if his behavior is a panic-stricken rush to marry you and he's done no work to improve his boundaries with women and no work to figure out why he did it and he hasn't shown true remorse or willingly given you transparency, you will be put through this over and over again once he gets that "I do" out of you.

Without true remorse, you will be wishing you didn't. Over and over again. Don't wait until you have children together and feel like you can't walk away. Now is the time to make sure this is the right decision for you.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 11:57 AM, July 27th (Sunday)]


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4249 | Registered: Sep 2005
LearningToFly
♀ Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Almost 30 years ago I broke up with the love of my life because he was so self-centered and it was affecting me emotionally. How I wish that a week later when he asked me to marry him I would have said no.

His self-centeredness never went away. He has given himself permission to desert me whenever he was uncomfortable. He has used porn for over half our marriage and neglected me. He had an affair while I was grieving the loss of my brother, nephew, and sister and while our three kids were abusing drugs. He is trying to change but its hard to change something so ingrained. He says he is sorry but he is who he is.

Your fiancee cruelly flaunted his affair. He tore you down with comparisons. He has broken your heart. Your feelings of anger and betrayal are healthy responses to the selfish/cruel way he has treated you. He blames you for his abusive behavior.

I have thought a lot about how my life would have been if I had walked away when I saw how little my now WH valued me while we were dating. Instead I bought his view and accepted that I was just lucky that he wanted to marry me. Its been a lonely life. Its also hard to walk away after 3 children, a mortgage, and a life that I lived with him in the center. If I do, it will be into nothingness. I lost my years and my self.

I hope you don't do it. There is someone who would truly love you and never put you through the pain this man has put you through. You have your life ahead of you. Find someone worthy of sharing it with you.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
susan1989
♀ New Member
Member # 32640
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, it is possible, IF that person is repentant and understands what caused him to cheat.

Your fiance is not repentant. He blames you for his cheating, and is cruel in rubbing it in your face.

Save yourself now, and be thankful you found out his true character before you married and had kids.

Best of luck to you.


BS - me (44)
STBXWH (45)
M 20 years, three kids
D-Day June, 2011
D-Day #2 Sept, 2013
Separated after D-Day #3 Dec 2013
Divorcing 2014

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2011
MadOldBat
♀ Member
Member # 44146
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thyme2LetGo

Many of our responses will seem hard to you, please know that it is only that we have been hurt so much over the years, and don't want any youngster at the beginning of their life to potentially suffer in the same way.
Shut yourself away for a day, and read some of the stories on this site. Don't contact your fiancÚ just yet, you could always tell him your phone was playing up / you were sick tomorrow.
Have a good, long hard look and think about how some of the stories relate to aspects of YOUR situation.
Don't make your mind up immediately.
Can you talk to your parents about last minute nerves and postpone the wedding for 6 months?
Keep posting with your thoughts.
You have so many friends here who want to support you - whatever you decide.


Trying to keep my chin(s) up

Posts: 119 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: United Kingdom
Hannah25
♀ Member
Member # 42198
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let me just say to everyone who has posted in this thread... It may seem easy to get out now, before years of marriage and children and all that, but it's not as easy as it seems. I have been in the same situation as Thyme is in now, and when you're in that moment, it feels like you're losing your whole world.

Having said all that, Thyme, you should do it. Believe me, I know how much it sucks. I called off my wedding two weeks before the date. It was horrible and embarassing, but I'm glad I did it.


ME: 35
WBF: 44
Together 11 years
DDay: 1/12/14
DDay2: 3/28/14

Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Ohio
Delilah169
♀ Member
Member # 43689
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Thyme)))

I am very new here, and have made many, many mistakes since my DD; I don't generally like to give advice, but I HAVE to tell you my thoughts.

Not gently, I'm sorry for that, but RUN RUN RUN as fast as you can. My first husband was a cheater, not on me, with his ex, but I knew his history. As our marriage date came closer and closer I started having so many doubts about what I was doing. I loved him, but he had already shown improper behavior, lying, verbal abuse, inappropriate emotions, lots of red flags. Deep down I knew I was making a huge mistake but felt I was in too deep with the wedding at that point to call it off.

Gently here, you don't even sound like you love him any more. And his love, if it exists, is toxic, he has already cheated, blamed you, flaunted it, hurt you.

Not a day goes by (40 years later) that I don't regret not backing out when I could. I WASTED 15 years of my life. He turned out to be the worst husband in the world, and I'm here now because my current husband just had a 2 year affair; I can still say #1 was worse.

Only you can know what's in your heart. But there is no good reason to marry him now. If you don't want to back off completely, postpone it. See if he's willing to even go to counseling. My guess is he won't; he doesn't think he did anything wrong, never will.

Please please think very carefully about what you do. Everyone here is right; you have a chance to nix this whole thing before you become financially involved, have children, etc.; all the things that make it difficult to leave later.

If you can, talk to a counselor before you make any decisions. If you are a Christian, talk to your pastor. This is going to be the most important decision you will make for a very long time.

You cannot marry a man you loathe, don't trust, doesn't respect you, and can blame you for his shitty choices, and flaunt it with such disrespect. I hope I am not being harsh or mean, I'm just so truly scared for you.

Been there, done that. Follow your gut.


Me - BS, Him - WS
Her - POS WB Fake Friend
Married - 22 Years, together 25
One 22 yo DD
DD - 4/28/13, TT for over a year
Doing well with R
"Life might be a little simpler if we just got over it"
"It all seems so clear in hindsight"

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jun 2014
livebythesea
♀ Member
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thyme2letgo ... Days have gone by since your wrote this post. I do wish for your sake that you read and re read all the replies you received. Walk away now!!! My husband cheated on me when we were in our 20 s. I am now 56. I found out last year he s cheated on me several times. Extremely difficult to live with and to walk away now.

Walk and never look back! Take care of yourself.


HIM - 56(looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 56 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (told me a lie)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 197 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
takingitdaybyday
♀ New Member
Member # 44259
Default  Posted: 2:37 AM, July 30th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thyme,
To answer your question is it possible to learn to forgive and trust your spouse again - the answer is yes - with time. However, the WS needs to WANT to rebuild and by the sounds of it you are describing someone who needs counseling to come to the root of his issues. Does it mean that it is impossible? No. But does it mean that you should marry him right away? I would say no as well. You need time as a couple and as individuals to rebuild and find your bearings again. If he loves you, and is truly dedicated to making all this right he will do what you suggest. From there you will figure out if this is meant to be or not. The way he treated you is NOT OKAY. I can relate to the feelings you are going through but I found reading some books (I love you but I don't trust you" was a good one, and After the Affair) this forum, and counseling are all places to gain yourself again. Good luck!

Posts: 18 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Canada
Thyme2LetGo
♀ New Member
Member # 44212
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I first want to say I am sorry for taking so long to respond back.
I want to thank all of you who have responded though the words may seem harsh it is the truth you speak. That is what I am grateful for. Thank you also for your words of comfort and encouragement.
I know longer feel alone as my church abandoned me saying they needed to protect their members from fear of him retaliating because I reached out to them. This is after 17 years of being a member.
I am going to IC which is helping somewhat but the most support I have felt is here.
I know I don't want to continue to live in a constant state of panic,fear and mistrust. I want to be happy again and feel loved and respected.
I am taking it one day at a time and even though I don't know whether I am going to stay or leave, I feel stronger by all of your posts.
I am sorry if this feels impersonal by not responding to each one but it's not. I truly am thankful for all of your support.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jul 2014
needadvise
♀ Member
Member # 43218
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been married to a man for 18 years that I didn't know. Never thought he would ever cheat only to find out he had cheated the entire marriage. I have the same feelings of hate and anger along with never being able to trust him.
You have not married this man. Marrying him is not going to change him. If I had known my husband was the lying cheater he was I would have Never married him.
Things happen for a reason. Walk away and find someone who will treat you the way you should be treated. With love, loyalty, and trust.
Should you decide to marry this man, you will always have these hidden feelings. They don't go away. You are a better person do good for yourself.


BS: 48 Me
WH: 46 him
DD 17 Ours
DS 23 Mine

DDAY 4/17/2013 my father's anniversary death date.
2013 to present: TT big time
1 PA/EA
9 more women PAs all of our 17 years of marriage. Never had a clue until TT in the last year. Showe


Posts: 112 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I don't want to continue to live in a constant state of panic,fear and mistrust. I want to be happy again and feel loved and respected.

And you will be happy and loved again. But you have to love yourself first.

It is important that you do NOT get married at this point. Marriage is a lifetime commitment, and your fiancÚ has a long way to go in self-growth until he is a healthy partner---if that is even possible. Don't get married out of fear or obligation...it always ends badly.

You may never trust your spouse again. And if you do, it will be a long, slow building process---because of the cruelty in which he has displayed. If you walk away today, tomorrow, or next week, then you have nothing to apologize for. But what is important is that you do process this entire betrayal, and work through it via IC, this website, books, friends of support, or whatever helps you understand...from the bottom of your heart...that none of this is your fault. That there are broken people out there, and some of them have it in them to fix themselves, while others do not. You also need to eventually choose to either reconcile or leave, because living in a state of flux will absolutely wear you down over time.

You don't have to make a decision today. Try to read and post here more often---you will be amazed at the amount of support that is right at your fingertips.


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2110 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so glad you posted. I was afraid it was too much to hear and we scared you off.

I'm very happy to hear you started IC. Their cheating hurts us to the very core and can make us lose touch with ourselves. I hope the therapist is a good fit for you, but if perhaps you begin to think they are not, that you'll look for a new one rather than quit altogether.

I am very sorry to hear the way your church has abandoned you. That's just wrong. I suppose push has come to shove and you now know they aren't who you thought they were.

Any additional betrayal on top of our spouses makes us question what in our life was genuine. I had some friends that I thought were very close, turn on me after dday. It's times like these you find out who your real friends are.

I'm glad you feel supported here. I also felt like this was the only place where people understood me.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 2370 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
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