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User Topic: When I feel good VS when I trigger
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to say that this maybe too personal, but I have conflicting issues here. When I'm in depression mode, I feel a clarity about leaving her, or 180ing her easily. She doesn't deserve the best of me. I prepare myself for pain and I protect myself. The drawback is the pain. Mostly on my chest and sadness. But I am a new person that will not give her unmerited love.

VS

When I feel good I feel like I'm back to the old naive stupid me that on DDAY crumbled and didn't react angrily. I feel like I'll go back to being madly in love to the point of blindness and stupidity.

I'm sorry but I see my old self as an idiot. Someone naive and expecting that good things come to those that do good things.

I do have to say that when I feel this way she does smile at me and feels secure and I want to feel deeply in love, I want to feel fully happy but I feel almost like an actor.



BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
KatieG
♀ Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But you were never an idiot, you were betrayed.
When you feel good now, you are not that same person, you have insight and you can have both. Feel good and have your eyes wide open.


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 441 | Registered: Nov 2013
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to feel fully happy but I feel almost like an actor.

The wound of betrayal is very deep. It's unrealistic to think it will heal quickly.

And, even when it does, there will always be a scar....an ugly reminder of the wound.

I do relate, but I don't know how to fix your pain.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1130 | Registered: May 2014
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just scared to let go of the pain I guess. Maybe because for over a year it has been a comfort zone. Without it I feel as though I loose my protection and I'm vulnerable again.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Chinadoll30
♀ Member
Member # 43131
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To love fully requires a leap of faith. How are we supposed to take that leap when the last time we did, we were smacked down in midair and pummeled on the rocks below? I think, at some point, you have to decide to either leave or leap again, with eyes wide open, knowing that there are scary rocks below. But what do I know?


"We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means 'I survived'." -Chris Cleave

Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Philadelphia
gottabeabiggirl
♀ Member
Member # 44120
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like I could have written your post.

Some days, like the last few, I am so depressed and plan out in my mind my life without my WH. Realize how little respect I have for myself if I stay and buy a house and have kids with this man who can lie to my face for years, who can take marriage vows while the OW stands next to me as a bridesmaid, who can ask me to go visit her with him while he professes him love to her with me in another room. Then treat me like I ruined his life for being upset. How can I stay with that? Like you, my love is much better deserved to be directed towards a person of moral integrity.

Then I have days like last week where he is acting wonderful because I feel happy for a bit and our life feels like its back to normal, even if only for a few minutes. I find the edges of my mind having those day dream thoughts of all we planned together. Love blinded girl who fell for this charming older guy at just 17. What a handsome, sweet man, love of my life. But I can never make it very far before I wonder what lies he is hiding behind those eyes, those eyes so practiced at never letting on he has so many secrets.

I honestly don't know how to untangle my life from this man, I never learned so many things because I thought he'd always be there to take care of them. But I know those moments of clarity are the ones I should follow, not the falling back into a life that was never really truth anyway. The old me is gone now when it comes to my WH, his actions killed that person. I still have hope she is in there though, for the next person who is worthy of trust because that person was awesome and the world is better with her versus this shell I am now.

I wish I knew how to help either of us. You seem to recognize your moments of clarity for what they are, seeing through the bullshit and realizing your self worth. I just started doing that myself and it gives me strength, such strength.

I hope you find what you need to be happy again, I hope we all do.


Me - BW 25
Him - WH 35
No kids

Met - early 2006
Started dating - 12/06/06
Moved in together - 02/2007
Engaged - 2/14/13
Married - 10/26/13
DD - 4/24/14
(EA with, IMHO, an attempt to turn it into a PA. OW wasn't interested and told me)


Posts: 66 | Registered: Jul 2014
MissWhoKnew
♀ New Member
Member # 43580
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2Married2quit I so appreciate your post. I have recently felt this way. I just had IC appt yesterday and told my therapist the same thing. I feel like if I am happy and somewhat back to 'normal' or new normal, then I am somehow telling my WH it's all clear to do the same thing again or that what they did was okay. My mind knows this isn't true, but I can't help the feelings you've described.

I NEVER want to be so naive again. My WH is definitely remorseful and trying in every way to repair the damage he wrought.

My hope is that time, experience and knowing that I now know what the signs of my WH withdrawing and excuses are I would be able to know if it would ever happen again.

The biggest thing I want is a guarantee it will never happen again, but because of experience, I know now there is no such guarantee from anyone.


Me:BW 51, Him:WH 56
DS 26, DD 24; Dday: 4/19/14
Married: 29 years
Reconcile: A work in progress...
Dday: 4/2014 TT for over a year.
------------------------------------
You're not alone in how you've been, everybody loses we all got bruises

Posts: 35 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Land of Oz
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2Married2quit I so appreciate your post. I have recently felt this way. I just had IC appt yesterday and told my therapist the same thing. I feel like if I am happy and somewhat back to 'normal' or new normal, then I am somehow telling my WH it's all clear to do the same thing again or that what they did was okay. My mind knows this isn't true, but I can't help the feelings you've described.
I NEVER want to be so naive again. My WH is definitely remorseful and trying in every way to repair the damage he wrought.

My hope is that time, experience and knowing that I now know what the signs of my WH withdrawing and excuses are I would be able to know if it would ever happen again.

The biggest thing I want is a guarantee it will never happen again, but because of experience, I know now there is no such guarantee from anyone.

I'm so glad I have this place where I can feel normal. Yes, that's exactly how I feel. Like if I'm back to "normal", I am vulnerable again. I'm better off in the deep black cloud where I protect myself. But if I stay there, I will only destroy what is left of our marriage.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do have to say that when I feel this way she does smile at me and feels secure and I want to feel deeply in love, I want to feel fully happy but I feel almost like an actor.

So your WW responds positively to you when you are in a good mood. How does she respond when you are in depression mode? Because a truly remorseful WS knows the damage they did to you and wants/trys to support you. When you are down is when they SHOULD be supporting you the most.

My XWW used to do that. I think it's called mirroring. When I was in a good mood she was in a good mood and everything was fine. When I had a bad day then everyone had a bad day. This behavior encourages rugsweeping. IMO, it's way to unintentionally or intentionally manipulate or train a BS to rugsweep. They reward you with affection when you are in a good mood but shun you when you are in a bad mood. It's the exact opposite of the behavior you want to seee. You both are responsible for your own feelings and mood but your WS should be supporting you through your triggers and depression.

How does she treat you when the coaster dips?

ETA: I could be off but your post reminded me of XWW's behavior when we were in false R.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:13 AM, July 24th (Thursday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1903 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They reward you with affection when you are in a good mood but shun you when you are in a bad mood. It's the exact opposite of the behavior you want to seee. You both are responsible for your own feelings and mood but your WS should be supporting you through your triggers and depression.

How does she treat you when the coaster dips?

7yearsflushed:

Excellent observation, and thank you for articulating it for other BSs here.

It makes sense and it is an unfair manipulation that has the distinct odor of a false reconciliation or at the very least a manipulative attempt at rugsweeping.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1130 | Registered: May 2014
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For the most part when I'm down, I usually suck it all in. I've been reading men have a tendency to do this. We don't like to be babies ya know. However, the last few times that I have told her, she took it well. Cried, said "I"m sorry" and yesterday she came home saying that she had a bad day. I said "why". She said she felt STUPID. For everything she did....all the harm she did. She felt like such a fool.

If I do admit to being depressed she tries to bring me up. But not enough I believe. Almost like she wants to make me happy so it all goes on as if nothing happened. So I told her this.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 11

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