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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: triggers...mental cancer!!!
neecee
♀ Member
Member # 43523
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted a question the other day asking BS's if they think of their WS A every day. It was a resounding YES!!! From 5 months out to 5 years out. Some said that they thought about it but it didn't bring them to their knees everyday, others said they thought about it and cried almost every day!!! OMG!! I know this is gonna be one hell of a journey if I am planning on staying with my H and R, which I am. But boy oh boy, I was very disheartened. I just can't imagine having this mental cancer living in my brain for the next 2,3, 5+ years. The thought of that is daunting and quit frankly depressing.
The thought of all that I have to endure in order to be with the love of my life, who broke my heart, is staggering. The roller coaster of emotions, the few days of happiness rudely interrupted by those little viscous triggers that light the slow burning wick that leads to the dynamite that explodes and rips my world apart once again. The thought of doing this over and over again, well, it just sucks!!!!


What doesn't kill me.....better run cause when I get back up I'm gonna kick some ass!!!
me 44
WH 46
married 19 years
together 28 years
3 children 16,14,7
OW-lucky to be alive!!!!
D-Day 5/8/2014

Posts: 138 | Registered: May 2014 | From: new york
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

neecee, I look at triggers as unresolved pain coming into my awareness. Every trigger is an opportunity to reduce the amount of pain I carry around with me.

The trigger itself feels awful. Even 2 years out from d-day I believe one trigger put me into a funk for days. IIRC at least one trigger effed me up for over a week. I don't mean to minimize that.

But the pain has already been dumped on you. That pain is in you. Your choice is to stuff (internalize) it or to heal and let the pain go. You've got to deal with the pain whether you choose R or D or whatever.

One of the results of healing is that the pain diminishes over time. Have you ever been injured physically in a painful way? when I was 22, I had a terrible infection in a root canal. Two shots of Novocain didn't help at all. Percodan worked for 2.5 hours, but I was afraid to take it that often.

I remember being in terrible pain. I can almost imagine it. But the pain is gone. That's pretty much what the A does to me now.

If you stuff your pain, it will grow like cancer. If you face your grief, anger, and fear - if you have faith in yourself to heal, you'll let your A-related pain go, and you'll heal.

(((neecee)))

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:25 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10342 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
neecee
♀ Member
Member # 43523
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks sisoon for your advice. My problem is how do I not let these thoughts affect my relationship with my H. I seem to get in a funk and it affects us both greatly and we feel like the situation is hopeless.


What doesn't kill me.....better run cause when I get back up I'm gonna kick some ass!!!
me 44
WH 46
married 19 years
together 28 years
3 children 16,14,7
OW-lucky to be alive!!!!
D-Day 5/8/2014

Posts: 138 | Registered: May 2014 | From: new york
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just take it one day at a time. There's no use in thinking about 5yrs out and that you'll still be in pain. It's different for everyone. Obviously you hear only a portion of betrayed spouses in here and I'm sure there's many success stories. Worry about you right now this minute. We'll get to the next minute when it comes.

((((((hugs))))))


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1397 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Hrtbrken1
♀ Member
Member # 33802
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At three years out, I do still have triggers. The pain of them has faded a great deal over time. Sometimes I cry (not very often), and FWH talks to me about them, or holds my hand. Other times it's gone before it really had a chance to register. The best way we found to cope with them is just to be honest with each other. And it's not just me that gets them, FWH has them at times as well. They're a lot harder on him, because he realizes what he almost lost. A few years ago a song came on the radio that MOW had done some stuff to. He about threw up in the car. Came home and we talked about it. So it's completely normal to say "this is triggering me, I'm angry that you did this, I'm hurting" and to get it out. What Sisoon said is spot on:
If you stuff your pain, it will grow like cancer. If you face your grief, anger, and fear - if you have faith in yourself to heal, you'll let your A-related pain go, and you'll heal.


Me-BW
Him-WH
Together 16 years, married 10.
DDay 07/26/2011, 8 month EA/PA with friend of our family. Months of TT.
DDay#2 Early spring 2012, confirmed EA with another woman.

Posts: 144 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Sunny South
kate0421
♀ Member
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear your pain and fears and believe me I have been there. I was actually unsure how much I wanted to put into this relationship and if I wanted to even attempt R. The core reasons for my suicidal thoughts and depression was for my beliefs, I believed I was going to always be in pain or at least for years to come, or that it would never end, the mind movies and triggers will never allow me to be happy with him again.
A couple things happened that have changed my perspective entirely . First I had to REALLY believe and understand that I would be okay without him, not just say it but actually believe it. 2- I realized that even if I left him, I would still be going through this. I would still get mind movies and triggers of what happened. I would still need to grieve and heal, it wouldn't just magically disappear if I left, it still happened and I can't change that. There is no running away from this and that itself took a few months for me to accept. Those were pretty big.

It took me awhile for me to truly accept that this has happened and I was stuck no matter what. That it was my WS who put me here in this situation. I didn't make a bad choice that I'm living withh. I'm living with the consequences of HIS bad choices. It's hard but I finally came to accept this is our new life.

I think everyone has to go through their own personalized journey. It's great to have a place like SI for encouragement, opinions and ideas, but in the end what works for someone else might not work for you. You have to find YOUR way (and along with any supportive help you see fut) I also had to learn to slow down. There were things I never would of thought of or worried about until I read something on SI. So yes SI has caused me a little more fears than I would have had without it, but it's also been the best support for me which is definitely more important. Please don't get caught up in the times, I know it's hard and I obsessively thought about it for too long. I had horrible mind movies and nightmares for months and as of right now I can't tell you the last time I've had one and I'm not a year out yet. Not to say I won't ever have one again but it all depends on you and your journey.
I have a post I started that it similar to what you are going through. The responses helped me alot and I'm going to bump it for you


ME: BS
HIM: WS
Together over 9yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 274 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Tampa Bay Florida
BlueBlueEyes
♀ Member
Member # 43949
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just posted on Kates post. I'm there with you. I keep wondering how long I can take this and whether or not I'm going to take so long to heal that he will get tired of trying. I even have mixed emotions about that. I agree with above that we have choices. My emotions still mess with my ability to reason. I found a post "a bird doesn't worry about whether or not the branch will break, because if it does, she knows she can fly!" I'm trying to get there. I love that wisdom. At least there are people here who really get it.


BW - 49
WH - 50
Married 30 years
Beautiful Son, Daughter and 2 Grandsons.

OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.

Hopeful but cautious


Posts: 194 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Texas
tryin2havefaith
♀ Member
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have used hypnosis to get out of the grip of emotionally paralyzing triggers. It took the 'bite' out of them and allowed me to find my balance again. Found them online and downloaded to my phone so I could use them anytime. Got me through the initial tsunami of emotions at the beginning.

[This message edited by tryin2havefaith at 9:24 PM, July 24th (Thursday)]


ME- BS
HIM- WS
DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 265 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 8

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