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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: triggers - bringing them up or letting them go -
stunnedin12
♀ Member
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today in an innocent conversation with my child about cell phones, integrity, secrets, etc. I had the sudden brain flash that wh always (ALWAYS) told me that any texting with AP was always about business. Well, I knew it wasn't true and learning about the affair sort of blew that lie out of the water. Today I realized that when he flat out lied to me about the last known contact that when he finally came clean he said that it was to 'finish a conversation' (via text). Part of me wants to bring that up that finishing a conversation (about her upcoming marriage ) certainly isn't business related.

Otoh - it was over a year ago. He knows damn good and well that I know he lied and he has told me about other aspects of the affair so is it really necessary in my healing to beat him over the head with telling him that I know he lied about the texting only being business?

It's a minor trigger - no puddles of tears, no road rage, etc. It's just sort of one of those where I want to prove myself right and him a liar. NOT conducive to healing. Right?

[This message edited by stunnedin12 at 9:28 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]


ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.

Posts: 461 | Registered: Jan 2013
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 3 years out from Dday, 7 years out from the A time period and I still bring up the triggers when they happen. They aren't a big as they used to be but I want him to know that I still have them and give him a chance to do right by me. In fact I had one the other day and told him about it the next day. When you get this far out, you never know what silly thing will set you off.

Healing happened for me each and every time I could share my pain and he was able to comfort me. It takes time and lots of practice.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 737 | Registered: Feb 2011
Lark
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right now I feel it's important to voice those feelings. I dont think its necessary to beat over the head, but a "I had a moment today where I remembered this conversation and it bothered me that you lied." Calm conversation might help and at least get it out of you


"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul." - William Ernest Henley

Posts: 527 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
stunnedin12
♀ Member
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lark, perhaps it is in the wording. I think I'll write your phrase down. It isn't demeaning or beating him over the head, but it would get my point across.

StandingonMarble, thank you for your perspective in regards to healing. Very true.

I didn't bring it up last night but in our nightly bucket of questions, the question he drew out of the bucket to ask me was this... "What is something of great importance you have lost?" My answer was, "his love". We didn't discuss it further, but it's out there.


ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.

Posts: 461 | Registered: Jan 2013
mcmc
♀ Member
Member # 33343
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you need to be honest about your feelings. IMO, it isn't about proving yourself right; it's about letting him know how his actions affected you. The "secret" that I kept for over a year was that I knew FWH's affair was more than just about texting. When I finally told him that I knew the truth, we got to a deeper level of healing. I realize your situation is very different, but I think you need to be honest about how you feel.


ME: BW: 43
HIM: WH: 43
DDAY (fake, when he confessed to a texting/emotional A) 8/10
DDAY (real, when I told him I knew the truth) 9/9/11

Posts: 339 | Registered: Sep 2011
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Being honest about your feelings is always important. This situation bothers you. If you are stuck in right vs wrong you need to work through that....that mentality will kill R, IMO.

If you are really bothered because of the lie, I agree with the wording Lark used. You don't need to fight about it but it is important you are heard.

Triggers are tricky. I would tell my husband about ones when I was having trouble or hurting. The little triggers that I could quietly move through I didn't bother. Being able to count on my husband when I needed support was important but just as important was my ability to work through triggers and feelings on my own. I needed to learn to trust and lean on me.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3807 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't always. I try to work through them myself, not dwell on the negative. On the other hand, a reality in my life is that every so often, dspit all the drama, all the times he has witness my pain, the therapy, retrouvaille, his hard work in recovery where the damage to victims is discussed, my SAFWH STILL is surprised at the intensity of my reactions to triggers.

So yes. Speak up if you dwell on something longer than a few hours. They need to know the impact of their actions.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3543 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds more like unfinished, open business related to the A. If he is still lying about his texting, you cannot put it behind you and truly R. You are triggering because the issue was never resolved and is still being swept under the rug. Until your H claims all of his A related activities, you will continue to face the dilemma. I would let him know and start working on resolving his reluctance to do his job in R.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1474 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
Topic Posts: 8

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