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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I Created Him
Matilda23
♀ Member
Member # 42807
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I had a time machine to go back into time and take away all this pain I caused BBF. We have a family vacation (his parents, brother, and SIL) this weekend and now he is deciding whether or not he wants to go. We are going to Steamboat and he told his parents he may drive back down to Denver to play football. His mom is pretty upset because we have scheduled this sometime in January, and would feel that even if he left for awhile, his family is not a priority. Which I completely understand.

However, BBF needs to make himself happy to, and football makes him happy. This weekend they have a double header, and they are undefeated, so he wants to help the team. I want him to be happy and told him I will support him in whatever decision he chooses whether it's going up Steamboat Springs and not coming down, whether it's going and leaving early and then drive back up, or staying home and not going. I would just support him.

Now, his 30th birthday is coming up and I was planning a vacation for him and the family again to make it special for him. He talked to his parents and they were up for it, but when I talked to his mom, she said she couldn't because SIL would have had her baby, and the baby may have a heart condition. So she didn't want to travel far. So now BBF feels like he is not important.

Now he wants me to stop planning his big year. He said he should have never had high expectations. They always bring him down.

Right now, BBF does not feel like he is a priority with the family. He would have never felt this way, but I made him this way because I cheated on him. I told him I felt like he was being cold. But he really is just protecting himself from more hurt. But it should not have to come to this. I created him. I wish I just had a time machine so then him and his family weren't going through more unnecessary pain.


WGF - 24
BBF - MercilesslyNuked, 29
DDay 1 - 1/6/14
DDay 2 - 1/23/14

I Am Strong! I Am Beautiful! I Am Smart! I Am Worthy!


Posts: 125 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Colorado
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to say this gently but I sometimes come across a but harsh when I am blunt. Your BBF was betrayed by you, not his family not his mom but you. He feels he's not a priority to them then he needs to say something about it. You did what you did and are owning it. It changes us intrinsically both the wayward and the betrayed but it also sometimes shows us what we need to change. How your BH reacts to life now is still his choice. I personally realized after my confession and his A that I liked honesty and when my family was dishonest or not upfront it bugged me and so I said something. They are not mindreaders and I just could not expect them to know. Look what I am trying to say is yes he is changed but you are not responsible for how he deals with his own family and how they make him feel. You are the person who betrayed him not his family.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2756 | Registered: Oct 2012
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said he should have never had high expectations. They always bring him down.

Right now, BBF does not feel like he is a priority with the family.
This is his to own.

He would have never felt this way, but I made him this way because I cheated on him.
No you didn't. This is nothing to do with your cheating.

He talked to his parents and they were up for it, but when I talked to his mom, she said she couldn't because SIL would have had her baby, and the baby may have a heart condition. So she didn't want to travel far. So now BBF feels like he is not important.
Seems to me that his mom has her priorities pretty damn straight.
I would of thought a man about to turn 30 would have more empathy for what his SIL is going through. And to be blunt, the 'specialness' of birthdays is for children, not adults.

Why does your BBF need to feel more important than his SIL and the impending birth of his niece/nephew who may have a heart condition? Seems a bit selfish to me.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are going to Steamboat and he told his parents he may drive back down to Denver to play football. His mom is pretty upset because we have scheduled this sometime in January, and would feel that even if he left for awhile, his family is not a priority. Which I completely understand.

This sounds very dysfunctional. Why is his mother pouting about her son wanting to leave the family vacation for a day to play with a team he belongs to and has been with for some time? That sounds incredibly guilt-driven.

Also, his reaction to his mother not wanting to plan a trip because her grandchild will have been born and there may be complications sounds, imo, very juvenile, although in keeping with how his mother behaves. These are all adults, and yet they are all talking as if they need to be the sun and earth to each other, and if they aren't then that means that they don't matter at all?

I'm sorry you're feeling guilt for having made him feel this way, but honestly, based on his mother being upset about him possibly playing football, I don't think you caused this in him. It sounds as if this is simply how his family is, and it's out of your hands. I could be way, way off here, but the behavior of his mother sounds manipulative, and it sounds as if he's inherited this behavior. His mother wanting to be there for his brother should brother's child have a heart condition does not mean that BBF isn't important. Realistically, MIL needs to decide to celebrate a grown son's birthday with a trip, or to be there to support a son going through a very trying time, dealing with a newborn with a very serious condition. If given those conditions, I believe most would want to support the son with the sick newborn. That doesn't mean that the other son is unimportant. Things in life are prioritized. Not being the #1 priority doesn't mean the other items don't matter.

I hope you are able to work thru this without too much fanfare. Again, I may be wrong, but to me it sounds as if this type of thinking is common in this family and probably has been since before your BBF was born.

((((hugs)))))


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
timidhope
♀ Member
Member # 43189
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can only echo what the others said. Please don't gather problems and blame yourself if it really isn't yours to own. You need to be aware of that and don't encourage that in him.

When bad things happen in my bBF's life, I know it'd be better if he didn't have to deal with it on top of all the hurt I've caused. It's makes me feel very sad and helpless sometimes. That helplessness makes me less resilient and I withdraw into myself and so I can't be there for him.

But being there for him doesn't mean allowing him to lay down the blame for everything that happens to him at my feet. He made decisions and isn't happy with the outcomes...it'd be the start of a new unhealthy relationship dynamic if you are OK with being the cause for all the unhappiness of his life regardless of whether you caused it or not.

Hope you're feeling better today, Matilda23!


DDay: April 2014

Posts: 89 | Registered: Apr 2014
steadychevy
♂ Member
Member # 42608
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here. No STOP sign.

I was away camping with my WW and unable to respond to any posts. I read this just before we left and wanted to respond then but just not enough time.

I am going to disagree with the previous 4 posters. I know that is a risk because all of them have been so intuitive and on the mark in all of their previous posts they have written.

I wonder if your BBF is just so overwhelmed that things he simply used to take in stride just seem to much to cope with. It was like that with me. I was 62 years old for all 3 DDays. I am a very competent professional. I have been President of my professional association and have sat on many boards. I currently sit on the Board of Directors for 2 organizations and was asked to run for public office last year (it was just before DDay 1 and I thank God that I declined the continuous attempts). I write this not to brag about my accomplishments. After DDay was could hardly function. It took to much effort to pay bills electronically at my own computer. I couldn't balance my checkbook (I have been doing this for over 50 years). I couldn't figure out how much feed I needed to buy for our herd of cattle for the winter. I couldn't remember who to call for feed (long time suppliers). The things that were every day tasks for me became too much to comprehend let alone do.

I did come out of it but I still have periods where I am not able to cope with routine things. They just seem to take too much effort. The examples I offer cover only a few of them. It is still quite difficult to stay focused on some tasks. I am now working on the books for our cattle ranch for the month of January, 2014. This is July. I have been doing these books for ever but just can't get motivated.

So, I offer a different perspective. A lot of the BSs seem to question their worth, their value. Many seem to have some difficulty in coping and functioning in even the simplest routine tasks. I still go blank for short periods of time and can't remember exactly what I was doing or where I was at in the process of doing it.

If you were to ask my WW (and I haven't) if I have changed I think she would say that I have. I was a strong person, a decision maker, a person who gets things done. Post DDay I am none of these to the same extent. Recovering hopefully but not even close yet.

[This message edited by steadychevy at 7:43 PM, July 26th (Saturday)]


BH(me)63
WW-57
M 37 years
DDay1-09/1/13;DDay2-10/13;DDay3 12/19/13
LTA-09/02-11/02 EA;12/02-?/06 PA
OM -COW
"dates" w/3 former lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment;years of lies, denial

Posts: 101 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 6

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