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Newest Member: Trying84 (44942)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Out of the blue
stunnedmullet
♀ Member
Member # 42975
Default  Posted: 1:31 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was having a good day, not too many thoughts of the A. Hadn't cried today, been pretty busy and feeling okay.

I was in the kitchen, doing normal stuff when it hit me, mind movies, like a fast forward film projection, images of them together, having sex, laughing together, talking together, the strength of his feelings for her, the whole betrayal and it literally knocked the wind out of me. I had to hold the cupboard to stay upright.

Why does this happen, a day that I feel like I am making some progress over the last couple of days after a shitty start to the week?

How could he do this to me. Why did he choose her over me for all those months. Yes he is remorseful, doing all he can to help me heal, being accountable, etc.

And now I feel like I have taken 10 steps backwards. My heart just broke a bit more

How can I still love someone that could hurt me so much?


DD April Fools Day 2014 (unfortunately no joke)

BS (me) 40
WH 38
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years

4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA

Us together 20 years, married 17 and 6 kids

I always thought I was enough but obviously not!


Posts: 186 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
blindsided81
♀ Member
Member # 44206
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My heart really responded to your question about how we can love someone who hurt us so much. I am a newbie to this whole mess so my advice isn't worth much. But I had always heard about husbands who cheated and thought, "I would just kick that scum to the curb."
I guess I am laughing at myself now. It sounds to me like you have been very strong. You are allowed a bad day once in awhile. I don't really have any answers, but I feel your pain. You give me strength that maybe this pain won't be here every day in the future. So be kind to yourself.


Me, BW 51
WH, 47
OW, ttw (trailer trash whore)
DD, 7/21/14
Separated, divorcing his ass as soon as I possibly can!!

Posts: 106 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: North Carolina
OakStreet
♀ Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((stunnedmullet))

Of course you are going to have those days! This is still fairly recent for you.

I am 9 months "into this shit" and still have those days...but less frequently. Of course, my WH has extended the pain by 1)taking his A underground and 2)putting this whole event on a back burner (avoiding conflict).

Sometimes I feel pitiful for allowing him to try to make this right. For not kicking him out after Dday 1.

This is a true rollercoaster. I wish you luck on the ride.


Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14 - took it underground for 5 months.
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 436 | Registered: Nov 2013
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's OK to love someone who has hurt you so much. It's also OK to create a life without someone who would do such a thing. It's been just over a year since I found out my ex didn't respect our relationship and while it's easier, there are still days I mourn the loss.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 562 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh honey, I've been there. We all have. You feel you're moving on--and then the sorrow comes back, and you realize you still love someone who has done the absolute worst to you, and your heart breaks over again and you feel you will never get over it.

But you will. It will happen less often. And it's part of the healing process.

You might want to try reading "Living and Loving After Betrayal" by Steven Stosny--it talks a lot about the non-linear process of the feelings. It's sop normal and human. Don't blame yourself for still having the emotional connection. Open up to him and let him help you heal, and keep your chin up.

(((stunnedmullet)))


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4165 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Trying2LoveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 43024
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It broke my heart reading your post just now! It broke for you, for me and for all others who have/are going through this nightmare. Reading your post I felt like it was something I'd written myself! I am 10 months out from Dday & still have lots of days like you've described. Or maybe I should say now it's more "moments" than whole days, so it HAS gotten better. I think "time" is key in dealing with infidelity. It's like death, it takes time to heal. We will never get OVER this! I too question myself how I could still love someone who hurt & deceived me so much! But I look at that as a "gift" now! Something God gave me! You too are special & have the "gift" to continue to love despite such hurt! I hope you can see it this way! (I Believe ALL people are special to God...we were just given that special gift). Allow yourself to grieve...it IS a part of healing. Sending gentle hugs & prayers for better days your way!


Me:BS
Him:FWH
2 DS:35 & 30 , 2 D Grandchildren
"Oh the webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive"....My WH quotes this often.
I found out about H's affair 25 yrs later.Mine is my own "Life is a journey, travel with Care."

Posts: 216 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Mexico
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stunned mullet:

You are on what they call the "roller coaster"

One day up one day down.

It is normal and it can last a long time. Give yourself a break.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1130 | Registered: May 2014
Sasha112
♀ New Member
Member # 43651
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're not alone. I'm six months in and feel the same way. One day I'm happy, laughing, and enjoying my children. The next day I'm a mess, crying and struggling to get through my day without reliving all the terrible things that have happened. From all of the wonderful advice on here it is clear that we are on the roller coaster. Praying for our sakes that we have more great days than bad ones.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Jun 2014
BlueBlueEyes
♀ Member
Member # 43949
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im so sorry! I agree with all if the above. I think this is definitely a hard road. At this point I haven't found an easy road. Leaving him doesn't make the hurt disappear either. I really don't understand how anyone could do this to their worst enemy much less a spouse. I don't know what motivates the AP. Lies by the spouse, selfish desire for attention? Lack of ethics/ morals? I do understand the gut wrenching pain of the bs. I keep reading to know I'm not one and in hopes of finding some answers. I wish you peace and strength! Actually I wish that for all of us!


BW - 49
WH - 50
Married 30 years
Beautiful Son, Daughter and 2 Grandsons.

OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.

Hopeful but cautious


Posts: 194 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 9

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