I'm sorry you find yourself here, any kind of cheating is awful and horrible and painful in a relationship. Many people who are betrayed by their partners are told by them that there is something wrong with the betrayed person that caused the partner to lie and cheat. It seems like in your case your BF would really like to be faithful to you but he can't be and he hates himself for it, not you.
I'm sure there will be others on this site who will have much more and better information than I do because they have been in your situation but as I'm an insomniac, I saw your post at 3:15AM and wanted to let you know that someone is listening.
Hugs to you--I think you have a long road ahead of you in trying to navigate this path and you will need all the support you can get, not only here at SI but in real life as well. And so will your boyfriend. Take care.
Maybe you should step back & evaluate what you need and what you want. He will figure out his sexuality on his own timetable. You need to care for you now.
Me, personally, I don't believe in 'bi'. Each and every one of us falls on the scale of 100% to 100% straight. I say this as somebody who had LTR w/women.
It sounds like your bf may be gay, but hasn't come to terms w/it yet. Regardless, take care of you first & let the rest sort it self out.
Anyway..is he gay? Maybe. Do you have sex with him? What's his past dating history look like?
You need to be tested for STD's. I promise you, he met up with at least one man..and went through with it. His telling you that thoughts of you stopped him from going through with it? Lie. Thoughts of you didn't stop him before..you caught him 5-6 times on these sites..and that's just the times he was caught. No. He did it. And there's most likely a lot more you don't know about.
I spent a very long time looking through craigslist..the men looking for men section is super busy. Men are not there to send dirty pics or messages..they are there for sex. NSA sex.
Gently. I know you are in pain. It is a huge betrayal. He is your boyfriend of a little over a year, and you caught him 5-6 times cheating(emails, pics are cheating). And now he has hooked up. Please consider getting out of this relationship. Please don't be me. Don't be married to the man for 10 years, 2 little kids, think everything is great, only to discover his secret email account. It's been 4 years for me...and Im just now standing.
This is a complication you don't want in a future spouse. I promise you.
Also..yes...he could be bi. I spent a lot of time after dday researching,etc. Sexuality isn't a choice. He is who he is..and many people enjoy sex with both sexes. So I disagree..respectfully, of course, with the above comment. And..this also comes from a woman who once upon a time..many years ago..had a relationship with a woman.(Long before I met my FWH).
ETA: I just realized your username..confused. Well, from one "confused" to "another"..Im sos sorry this has happened.
[This message edited by confused615 at 5:53 AM, July 24th (Thursday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
He also "didnt' want to be gay" and "hated himself and what he did"...but cheated and exposed me to STD's for years.
4 years post d-day, he is now openly gay with a partner.
He never told me that he had gay experiences in high-school. If I had known that, I wouldn't have married him.
Your bf may not "want" to have these feelings, but he does and he is acting on them. My ex, after 17 years together, also fought to keep me and the children together and we tried to R for over 6 months. Swore he was in love with me and would never cheat again. When the stress hit, he cheated again...I think he was faithful for 6 months.
Please, you aren't married or have children, right? Please go get tested for STD's and take some serious time away from your bf. He is going through something and basically using you as a beard. Do you really want to be with someone you can't trust??
((((soconfused25))) Hang in there.
"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings
So yes--I will go out on the limb and say he's likely gay. And I will also say it likely does not matter, because sex is the least of your worries.
This has nothing to do with you or any perceived deficits. It has nothing to do with your relationship.
Sexual orientation is on a continuum. It's not as black and white as we tend to think. Being gay--or bi, or anything because we all have our individual quirks and preferences--is not the primary concern here, except inasmuch as you want and deserve a partner who wants to be with YOU.
Rather, your BF's behavior worries me for reasons that have nothing to do with orientation and everything to do with the fact that secrecy and lies erect a barrier to emotional intimacy that makes it impossible to have a genuine loving relationship with respect as its foundation. (There are disease concerns that are heightened, as well, if he is having unprotected sex with a higher-risk population.)
Gender preference/orientation is on a continuum. Many people successfully have committed relationships with partners who are gay or bisexual, but who have chosen to commit to individuals outside their usual demographic.
But no one successfully has had committed, mutually rewarding, emotionally intimate and fulfilling relationship with a liar and a sneak.
And THAT is your real problem.
That you've reached this at 15 months in is what worries me most. (It also gives me the most hope, because you can still relatively easily extricate yourself.)
At 15 months, you are in what should be an exciting honeymoon phase marked by exploration of one another's dreams, desires, preferences, goals, and yes---the things that make you tick sexually--with one another. Instead, he's already seeking sex on the side--in a particularly sordid way that speaks volumes about his ability/desire to form real intimate relationships.
Really, orientation is only a bit player here. He's showing you he can't be a good partner to anyone--at least not at this point in his life.
And there is nothing you can do to mold/shape/change this. He is who he is. He's shown you. Believe him.
YOU get to define how you'd like the rest of your life to look. Is this it? Because I can virtually guarantee you this is the way it will be--and that it will escalate. A man who only says, "I'm sorry; it won't happen again" is a man who's not committed to real change.
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Can you live with this forever?
[This message edited by solus sto at 9:40 AM, July 24th (Thursday)]
Having a child does make your situation much harder, but not impossible at all.
I"m several years out, my kids know their Dad is gay and we have come to a good co-parenting place. I've more than moved on. It just takes time and a direction.
Can you get into therapy for yourself? Mine is a life-saver.
But right now, your focus has to be on YOU. Not diagnosing him. Not even figuring out when he lied to you about what. Please get tested immediately and repeatedly for STD's until you are clear. It is important that your doc know that your sexual partner has been engaged in high risk activities outside of your relationship and without your knowledge and that you need a full panel of testing. You've got to find yourself an IC. You just have to. If you find one versed in LGBT issues, you will often find that they have experience treating family members who are hurt by the coming out process---or they might be able to refer you to someone who does that work.
Keep posting. We're here for you.
6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay
I broke up with my male fiancé not because I didn't love him but because my attraction to women was so strong that I didn't want to risk hurting him or future children. It is hard in our culture to accept you aren't in the 95% "normal" there's a lot of "why me" especially if you grew up in a religious family. Depending on the person it could take years or never for them to accept themselves. Please don't continue to subject yourself to that.
I think you need to concern yourself with you and your child. He has to figure this out. I think you need to figure out how to live your life without him as a life partner. Solus totally gave you spot-on advice. Others here have also pointed out that this man, gay or straight, is not relationship material. He's a cheater, he's a liar, he actively deceives you. I'm so sorry.
I have access to all his technology mobiles laptops ect none have any sites for dating / gay /swingers/ meetup this is a relief to me as all the other history is there. My partner does just delete individual sites he would delete full lot.
we have spoken may times about it and each time he hold me so tight and he crys for what he had done.
we have spoken may times about it and each time he hold me so tight and he crys for what he had done.
Sure he does. He feels horrible about what he's done, each and every time. Do you think he is at peace with his sexuality? From reading your posts, kept seems like he is not. He seems like he is trying to be with you (and probably does love you), but his strong, natural sexual desire is for me. Sorry.
None of that addresses his infidelity, which has probably been acted out beyond looking at web sites. As was pointed out earlier, that is maybe a bigger problem and is why you've come to this site to begin with.
I suggest being honest with yourself. Somehow (no judging here) you've picked a guy who has a strong desire to be with men even though he is in a committed relationship with you, and you two have the gift of a child. Now that you know this! Your options become very limited. 1. Live with it forever. 2. Leave him and move on to a man who will commit to just you and not be attracted to ore men. I recommend option 2.
You seem to want to give him another chance, though. So, if this will make it easier for you, go ahead. Do that, if you need further convincing, but commit to yourself that it will be just one more chance and then you will have seen enough. You know he's not going to stop though, right?