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Newest Member: 2ndtimernd (45746)

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User Topic: is my guy gay??
♂ Member
Member # 3031
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sexual orientation is on a continuum. It's not as black and white as we tend to think. Being gay--or bi, or anything because we all have our individual quirks and preferences.

I strongly disagree with this. Statistics bear out that orientation is not on a continuum. Different strokes for different folks - sure. But the concept that there is a sliding scale for sexual orientation that applies to everyone is false. Look at the statistics.

"In a time of deceit, telling the Truth is a revolutionary act."

Posts: 21447 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Hell and back, way back :o)
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, he is probably sorry. Whether he is sorry about what he did...or that he was caught?

I get it. My ex was perfect for several months post d-day. Only wanted me, wanted our family. We did therapy both IC and MC. He tried, I guess, in his way. But, as I look back, the emotional connection really wasn't there.

He just wanted it in the past and to move forward. He didnt' really want to talk about what he had done, or dig around in his head, or work on figuring out who he IS. He just stuffed it back inside (although it looked like he was working because we were in therapy), it didn't take very long for him to just go back to the old coping mechanism.

We understand how hard it is when they SWEAR they are sorry and will not do it again. But, we are here to tell you that only a very small percentage can actually do that.

PROTECT YOURSELF and your child. Get away from him and take some space so you can both think. If you are meant to be together...that will happen in the future. Right now, protect yourself.

me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17

Posts: 4231 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
♀ New Member
Member # 44202
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just dont know what to do follow my heart or my head
...... if im been honest a liitle of both is ssying one more chance to change after everything in his past I know hr is a little damaged for want of a better word.

I really appreciate ever ones comments Thank you

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2014
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Late, but ....

The key is this: if you want and are willing to work for a monogamous relationship, you need him to want, to be willing to work for, and to be able to sustain a monogamous relationship.

He probably can't do that if he's gay, but being straight or bi is no guarantee that he will do what you need.

I'd recommend focusing on whether or not he's ready, willing, and able to be monogamous with you.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10572 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
♂ Member
Member # 42292
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, but if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, it's probably a duck.

So yes.

You have to find out what's important to you and how long can you go with the continued disrespect. You've caught him 5-6 times already. How many chances do you plan on giving him?

[This message edited by UneasyFeelings at 11:24 PM, July 25th (Friday)]

Posts: 108 | Registered: Jan 2014
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I strongly disagree with this. Statistics bear out that orientation is not on a continuum. Different strokes for different folks - sure. But the concept that there is a sliding scale for sexual orientation that applies to everyone is false.
TR, did you read my response, or get hung up on this? I'd argue that there are ample stats backing up the stance that there is a sexual continuum (though nowhere did I state that anything "applied to everyone"), certainly enough evidence to preclude your pronouncement that an opposing stance is patently "false"---but that was not the substance of my post.

If you'd read my message you'd know that sexuality wasn't even the POINT. I stated my opinion that yes, the OP's husband is likely gay, but that is the LEAST of her worries because dishonesty, lack of commitment, and refusal to commit to a monogamous relationship are marriage killers, regardless of orientation. It doesn't matter whether he is unable or just unwilling -- it just doesn't. Either way, she does not have a partner.

If he's gay, he will not likely ever be able to be a real partner to her. Secrets and lies are barriers to the emotional intimacy required for a successful marriage.

But if he's straight, those lies and deception pose just as great a risk. Until and unless he is remorseful and committed to truth, there cannot be a mutually satisfying marriage.

[This message edited by solus sto at 12:00 AM, July 26th (Saturday)]

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 9043 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
♀ New Member
Member # 44251
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, it may be a breach of forum etiquette to post this. But this thread has inspired me to send my husband a note asking whether his alleged "one time" solo foray into the (straight) lap dance hell of San Francisco - against our express agreement - was somehow related to the visit with his co-workčrs earlier in the evening to a gay bar in the Castro district. Was he perhaps trying to to reassure himself of something? I remember when we were dating that a former girlfriend asked him if he might be gay.

Sorry, OP. No intention to hijack.

As PPs have said, I would be more concerned with the dishonesty with you (and perhaps himself) than a conveniently dismissed meet up gone awry. Does it really matter who he's lying to if he is consistently lying and hiding?

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2014
♂ Member
Member # 23014
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Run, run run. My cousin married a guy who others knew was maybe gay. She came home one day and caught him with another man. Another friend married a guy who could not get an erection in the almost two years prior to their marriage. She is very attractive and had numerous partners before him. The "marriage" was never consumated the four years she stayed with him. She can't explain why she married him.

Posts: 475 | Registered: Feb 2009
Topic Posts: 28
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