Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: FeebleHercules (44938)

General Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Contacting AP
JustWant2BHappy
New Member
Member # 43351
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

About the last week my BH has been mentioning a lot that he's upset that he never confronted my AP. My DDay was end Feb '14 and then 2nd DDay was May 9th where NC was broken. We are in R.
He mentioned this morning that he just wants to go and "fight him". He says he's back and forth constantly on contacting him since he never did and he feels like he didn't "Fight for me".
I feel that this is unnecessary adn will be more hurtful than not. I do not want anyone fighting. I fear for anyone getting hurt or worse put in jail. I constantly preach to my kids about "an eye for an eye" and how wrong it is. I'm also scared if he did make contact how this would affect our R. The AP is not married or in another relationship, so there is noone else involved on his side.
My AP drove on our rode the other day, which is part of why this has been sparked I believe..he lives near us and our road is a "thru way" and he was with others, so I do not think it was to "see me".. Plus I have to drive on his road past his house today to get to a major highway that I'm traveling later this afternoon.
Wanted to get some feedback from others experiences and advice on how to talk to my BH in getting through this.

Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2014
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It could be your BH is just blowing off steam. and may be not serious. Only you can really know this.

I know I have fantasies about beating OM into a puddle of goo. But I also know that would lead to jail time and in the end I would be hurt more than he was. OM isnt worth my freedom.

IMO this is about *reclaiming* what should have been yours. almost a territorial thing. its primitive and may be instinctual at some level.

Maybe if it happens while you are there you can intervene. slap OM in the face then take your BH arm and walk away. I dunno if thats a good solution or not tho.

For now maybe just remind your BH that he would probably go to jail. AND OM can sue him. In the end OM will win if he takes that path of violence.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
craig2001
♂ Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has the OM ever mentioned to you that he is worried about what your H might do?

This is a very normal feeling in your H and I think every BH feels like this.

Try to convince your husband that committing murder is what would happen if he meets up with the OM. Plain and simple, he will end up committing murder.

Then he goes to jail forever and he becomes one of those people he sees on the nightly news...going to jail.

It might be smart of the OM if he avoided aggravating your H though and find another road to take.

[This message edited by craig2001 at 2:07 PM, July 24th (Thursday)]


Posts: 3950 | Registered: Jun 2002
HighlandPaddy
♂ Member
Member # 43930
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After I found out about my wife's first affair I took off after the OM. I must've driven around for hours. I never did get him, but I demanded that my wife hand over his phone number, and told him that if I ever lay eyes on him that I would cut him from his belly button to his balls, and gut him like a fish....and I meant it.

I was much younger a bit more firey then.
WIth the new OM (what a great life )
I wasn't as violent. I spoke with him on the phone, and had a very calm discussion....and they are still in contact to some degree due to work and stuff....and lately my thoughts are starting to scare me...


So live your life that fear of death can never enter your heart.

Posts: 78 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: NY
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My AP drove on our rode the other day, which is part of why this has been sparked I believe..he lives near us and our road is a "thru way" and he was with others, so I do not think it was to "see me"..

Plus I have to drive on his road past his house today to get to a major highway that I'm traveling later this afternoon.

You and the ex AP need to AVOID driving past each other's houses, if you are serious about reconciliation.

It is hurting your spouse to see the OM, or to think you are driving past his house.

If there is no other way to get to another road, then i would advise moving, if you want your spouse to heal.

As a BS I would be very suspicious if my spouse were driving past OW's house. It would seem as if he were pining to see her.

Did you send a no contact letter to OM? Ief not, send on, and tell him to stop driving past your home.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1130 | Registered: May 2014
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You and the ex AP need to AVOID driving past each other's houses, if you are serious about reconciliation.

IMO this is a big deal. Seeing AP is going to rip him apart each time. Almost resetting back to dday. In my father's case with the AP, I physically had to get in my father's way and not give any ground. He had my baseball bat in one hand and his car keys in the other. I have no doubt that something for sure would have happened. The difference is that my father did not talk about it or make threats. He was on his way to do it. End of story. There was no blowing off steam. But I know each subsequent time he saw AP after that I would have to hide the bat. There was never blowing off steam of fantasizing about it. If your BH is only talking about it, that's a good sign. Should be taken seriously though. Need to stop seeing AP asap.

yop

ETA - does your BH have a history of fighting or anything like that in his past? If he's comfortable being in a fight I would be more worried than if he never had been in one before. Doesn't mean that he can't get in a confrontation, but if he's done it before he will be more comfortable doing so again if that makes sense.

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 3:11 PM, July 24th (Thursday)]


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2079 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
wk55hn
♂ Member
Member # 44159
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Plus I have to drive on his road past his house today to get to a major highway

I live in a populated area, so it is easy enough to find another way to go, even if it might take you out of your way 15 or even 30 minutes. Is that not the case with you? Isn't there an alternate route? I only ask because it seems that the thought of you and your AP even driving past each other's houses causes your husband to get upset.

My AP drove on our rode the other day, which is part of why this has been sparked I believe.

How do you feel about your AP now? DDay end of Feb, Dday 2 about 2 1/2 months later in the beginning of May, today is about 2 1/2 months since last DDay in May and then recently OM drove past your house and now coincidentally you have to drive past OM's house to get to the highway. Could the timing have anything to do with how your husband is feeling? Does your husband believe in coincidences? Aside from the anger, does he have a lot of unfounded suspicions?

My advice as a BH: Stop trying to talk BH out of anything to do with OM. IMO it comes across as wanting to protect OM, not wanting to protect BH. In the mind of a BH, WW and OM shared a secret against BH; BH and WW have never shared a secret against OM. BH has to feel you're back on his side again. The more WW can badmouth OM, the less BH will feel he needs to prove anything by confronting OM.


Posts: 298 | Registered: Jul 2014
Topic Posts: 7

Return to Forum: General Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.