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I have been scouring the forums and trying to read everything- and in my attempt to do that I am noticing that women seem to be more forgiving of the affair and more willing to reconcile than men 😔

I forgot I am not allowed to post with a stop sign... How do I remove it?

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Just an observation or perhaps an excuse not to disclose your A to your BH?

I don't know anymore - I hate what I have done

I have been scouring the forums and trying to read everything- and in my attempt to do that I am noticing that women seem to be more forgiving of the affair and more willing to reconcile than men

I disagree, but assuming for the sake of argument that what you are saying is accurate...so? What does that have to do with anything? Your acts are your acts, and the fallout is the fallout. That's a risk you willingly took. Have you come clean yet?

I don't think forgiveness knows gender.

I hate what I have done

You've made a step in the right direction though - you are trying to get help. I'm on the other side of the fence, I was the betrayed. And I hate what was done to me. However, as much as I hate it, I loved my wife more. It's a long road ahead of you, but you can't start walking it until you are honest and authentic. Give your husband a chance - he might surprise you. A lot of forgiving men out there, and a whole bunch on SI.

I'll be honest - it isn't going to be easy based on anecdotal evidence. It takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity. Not months, years. So are you ready for the long haul?

I disagree - I know my BW has not been forgiving at all, and I know it will be an uphill battle trying to win her back.

Regardless of the gender, you will need to go through ALL the correct steps to even hope for reconciliation. There are no short cuts, especially with gender.

I see you've only been here for two days. I read your other post and I saw that you know what has to be done, just not HOW to do it. Almost everybody here is going to say you have to tell him- and I agree with that because it's not fair to him for you to be making decisions about your life together and withhold this information. When confessing As, believe it or not, you absolutely CAN make a bad situation much worse. It's important for you to tell him the truth and ALL of it. These things have a way of coming out and you can limit the damage by telling him the full truth. You can't prevent the damage because it's already done- he just doesn't know that, yet. I know it must be terrifying, but it has to be done. And it has to be done with no lying, omitting, minimizing... none of that.

There are a LOT of formerly betrayed men on this site who have chosen to reconcile. Once we're in this situation, there are NO easy roads for any of us, wayward or betrayed. So, it's not going to be easy, but it has to be done.

Welcome to SI. I'm glad you're here and I hope you stick around.

I think you may be somewhat influenced by your fear. If anything, in the years I have been reading here the scales would actually be weighed about the same with perhaps even a slight edge to the BH being more forgiving. There is one thing I have noted regardless of gender or even orientation.. it is almost always worse for the betrayed to find out rather then have their wayward come clean.

No matter what you do, it isn't going to be easy.... but then.. what did you expect was going to happen?

I never thought my H would forgive me. I had multiple PAs and an EA. He did.

I agree that forgiveness is not gender specific. And it's not fair to make assumptions, you might be surprised.

Thank you for the responses I appreciate all of the advice and honesty

I don't know the statistics....which gender is more forgiving, but I do agree with whoever said that it's better for your BS to hear about it from you rather than finding out on their own or from someone else! I found out from someone else & I can tell you, it was much worse than if I'd found out from my WH! Especially when I had given him the chance on numerous occasions to tell me first! He has made my anger & resentment toward him much worse! If you haven't told him yourself, please take my advice as a BS & do so! Best wishes to you as you make some difficult decisions right now!

I am a BS so I hope it is ok that I answer.

I think telling the truth is about respecting the BS as a person - not about trying to save anything. It's about allowing the BS to finally make their own choices knowing the reality they've been living in.

Whether or not the BS choose to try and R (and many who consider themselves reconciled have not forgiven or do not know if they ever will) depends likely on a whole number of things and not so much being male or female.

For me, considering R had to do with who I knew my husband to be before the affair... and his immediate actions to follow through with any and everything I needed to even consider R. That he seemed relieved to have been found out and be able to be done with it. That he seemed to be genuinely remorseful. That although he TT some aspects of it, he gave me the truth and didn't drag that devastating pain out. It did take him about 9 hours though to admit to both affairs and the basic details. It took him hitting a point where his defenses fell and I could tell he was finally shattered as well, that the truth waterfall started. It was in those moments I saw a glimmer of a chance we might R. He gave me full transparency. I asked him to read a book, he read it twice within 2 days and read it 2 more times within the next week. I told him to set up IC, he had it scheduled within the hour of me saying it. I told him to find a new job, he had 30 apps out the next morning. I told him to sell his truck, he sold it the next morning and had me pick whatever we would replace it with. He went NC immediately and made sure to go over what he would say in the NC calls with me.

He was done. He was done the moment I asked him "whose number is this"

That, who he was, his actions afterwards, his remorse, his empathizing my pain - those all factored into my decision to try and R.

I think it's also important to think about that it seems like this board has a larger percentage of females than males. That may skew any idea of who tries to R.

My husband did tell me if it were reversed he would not have talked to me at all except to tell me to get out, and he has thanked me every day for giving him one more day to prove how sorry he is and fix this.

The boards don't count as a scientific study or anything, but a bunch of people sharing their own stories.

My stories are these. 14 years ago my XWGF cheated on me in an extremely horrible way, in order to emotionally destroy me. Masochist that I am, I went back and tried to R for 4 years.

Last night, my wife got home and admitted to an EA. First words out of my mouth were MC. First word from hers was D . Of course it "didn't have anything to do with HIM". It was because of "other things".

So take that as you will. Some men do, some men don't. Some women do, some women don't.

Be remorseful, pledge to do all that he requests, and follow through, and there's a chance.

I am noticing that women seem to be more forgiving of the affair and more willing to reconcile than men

Another thing you'll hear a lot here is "Let go of the outcome."

The only difference I can see in the gender question is: whether the BS is in touch with, and doesn't stuff their feelings. And I can see as the social norm, males are more apt to do that. Stuffing the feelings causes bitterness, resentment, and built up anger.

But either way, you have to tell. When I was first reading about my healing as a wayward. All of the documents, books, blogs, etc. said "Tell the truth to your BS" and I thought "no thats for her healing, but what about mine?" well after I came clean, wow did I feel better. I am not going to minimize this, because at that moment, when I took the chains and shackles off of me, I transferred them to my BS. So be ready to fight for yourself, your BS, and your M. Do not let this be an excuse to not tell, all that will do is destroy possibilities on intimacy and soul-to-soul communication with your BS.

I disagree. I think I would fight harder for my M than she has been. She has fought but has given up and is happily moving on. I am miserable on the other hand. I have been cheated on and would have forgiven easier than this. My wife won't do it.

As a BH who has endured multi affairs at the hand of an unrepentant WW. I can tell you that love and forgiveness are choices, getting past the pain to choose is the trick. Most men it is true have a much harder time thinking about other men parts inside their lady's parts and get past that. Whereas most women betrayed want to know about did the WH love the AP and what did he tell her, what did he write to her and what are his future intentions towards OW and then want to get to safety and trust again asap. Which helps a lot

When a WH is the sole breadwinner, there can be an additional force for BW to forgive for the sake of stability. In todays world when both spouses can earn pretty well, seems to be a moot point.

I think if anyone can envision a future, there is hope of forgiveness for reconciliation otherwise its just forgiveness for the sake of civility.

anyone not willing to forgive at some point will only keep the barbed wire fully seated in their hearts and poison their life forever

respectfully, step (BH)

[This message edited by steppingup at 9:37 AM, July 25th (Friday)]