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User Topic: Women are more forgiving than men
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Member # 43927
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's what I thought too, but I don't think it's necessarily true.

Posts: 176 | Registered: Jun 2014
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since you have not told him yet, now is the perfect time to read 'How To Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair'. It is a guide on how to, and how not to, handle dday and beyond. The advice is very geared toward how the BS views the actions of the WS post A. By reading it (and implementing) you can avoid inflicting more pain on your BS on and after dday.
You will read examples of the right way and the wrong way to reveal, respond and help your BH heal and you can read the entire book (very short) in under an hour. You would be doing the first respectful A related thing for your H by reading this book.
Just download the kindle version and read it right off your phone or laptop/tablet.
You really need to tell him ASAP. The longer you wait the more you show him you cannot be trusted. You don't want to add to that. Him finding out on his own will be MUCH worse than if you confess. I promise you that.

BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 484 | Registered: Mar 2014
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You really need to tell him ASAP. The longer you wait the more you show him you cannot be trusted. You don't want to add to that. Him finding out on his own will be MUCH worse than if you confess. I promise you that.

There is no stop sign but if you don't want BSs to post let me know.

I agree with the above quote.

I found out by waywards LTA through anonymous letters.

There are likely people who know, and someone may inform your spouse.

It really will be so much better if you let him know rather than a stranger.

I think had my husband confessed before I found out it would help with the trust issues we are still having.

In a book about infidelity, I read about a man who learned of his wife's affair via anonymous letter, 20 years after it ended.

For the betrayed spouse it was like the affair ended yesterday, but the wayward was way past it.

It will make it so much more difficult for him to trust you if some one informs him years later.

ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not say that this is always the case at all. My H took 5 months to decide if he want to R with me, I took two years. So everyone is different. I think it totally depends on you, are you remorseful, do you trickle truth or give him all the truth right away, are you fully committed, do you fight for the M and him, are working on changing you and figuring out why you did this? There are a lot of things that factor into a BS's reasons for staying or not staying. Your actions factor into that greatly. Not words, but actions.

Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5156 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
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Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know the statistics on forgiveness, but I do know this:

Right now, your BH is living a lie. He is unaware of very important facts in his life. He's being held hostage by an image that doesn't exist. Each day that passes is another day that your BH lives in this fantasy. By not telling him, you're saying that you are far more important than he is because you're putting your comfort above his choice to decide the kind of marriage he wants.

And right now, your BH loves an image, not you, because you're hiding the real you. You're both living a lie.

The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Painfulpast is so smart about this stuff, I makes me dizzy.

Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire. Hebrews 12:29

Posts: 654 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
♀ Member
Member # 42327
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with FixYou71 read that book and highlight everything as you go through it. You will read parts of it over and over. Practice empathy. Put yourself in his shoes. All of these things will be a tremendous help.

As for which sex is more forgiving, I believe it falls on the individual and what are deal breakers for them, their love for you and most importantly the way you react and support them through the damage you've caused. Also, apart from just telling him the truth, you cannot be truthful with yourself until you face your own actions.

You can do this! Dig down, find the strength. Don't live in a lie. All it takes is you to change things.

Edited for italic instead of quote box!

[This message edited by wheredoigo at 8:39 PM, July 25th (Friday)]

1st marriage BS to xSAWH (34)
WW-2nd marriage (me) 33 to BS(Jt8d) 36
It's important to heal yourself in a healthy way from all hurt or it will hurt you and the ones you love more than the original hurt before.

Posts: 222 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Midwest
♂ Member
Member # 44143
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that it depends on the individual. I am apparently quite forgiving..which surprised me. If you would have asked me before D-day what my reaction would have been to what I was told, I would have told you I would not think twice about ending everything. People who hear my story tend to have a common response " are a bigger person than I am".

However, people surprise even themselves. But remember that R is a GIFT from the BS to the WS. This gift in my case has strict limits. It is a ONE time deal, requires FULL disclosure, and a ZERO tolerance for breaking the NC. In my case the last one is critical as the OM is actually a danger to our family.

Secondly, he may or will find out more. In my case I already knew some of the timeline and my WW did not know how much I did or did not know. I kept any items I knew from phone records and such secret to make sure I could verify her confession. If she would have gave conflicting responses that made no sense, I would have walked. It took a couple of weeks for the remaining truth to trickle out which is infuriating. I don't know what the subjects are of the items you are afraid to tell...but believe me that the WS has already had them churning in their imagination (and even worse ones). Any hope of R ...I would tell all and do it quickly and calmly.

Next you new to show true REMORSE. My WS is not to that part yet...I am being patient but no remorse, blaming me and others for the A, etc

If you wish to have R....I recommend starting with above.

Empathy is also key...put yourself in their shoes..and if see this from their side you will understand.

If you ever need a BS opinion, please feel free to ask us. We are not all a bunch of angry haters.

I wish you good luck.

[This message edited by Hopefuldad468 at 9:57 AM, August 16th (Saturday)]

Posts: 69 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Midwest USA
♂ Member
Member # 42608
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No STOP sign. BH here.

I had quite a lengthy reply here and getting close to being complete when we had a power blip and I lost it all. Must be a lesson in that. Four months ago that would have defeated me. I am going to try and reconstruct what I had written.

I do not know if women are more forgiving or not. There may be more BWs than BHs on SI. I don't know. Perhaps, if there is, it is because BHs are less likely to search for support anf never find it. What surprised me was the number of BHs here when I finally registered. None the less, I find most of the input from BWs, BHs, WWs and WHs to be well thought out, to the point and instructive. I think the FWWs are particularly adept with 2X4 when other WS seem to need it.

IMO, you need to tell your BH. He probably knows something is very wrong but just can't put his finger on it. I do not think you can have a strong relationship built on secrets. It will effect you and therefore it will effect your relationships. If you end up with no consequences and you never really delve into how and why you got to the point of adultery in the first place you are doomed to repeat history. After a while it will seem like it was not big deal so another little daliance shouldn't be so bad. Most importantly, though, if you have any respect for your BH you would want him be be able to make major decisions about his life with full knowledge. Please see PainfulPast above again.

I can tell you that I believed one strike meant you were out. That was it. It would be over. My WW believed that of me, too. Even before she decided to have a LTA with a COW. There is not a week in the year that they did not have sex ar some point in the adultery. They travelled all of the major highways in the provice doing meetings. Stayed in many motels and ate in many of the chain restaurants. All are triggers. His place where she stopped on her way home from work at least once a week when they were both at work is right along the major highway in the province. I see it everytime I drive the highway. I cannot go to dinner theatres, concerts, stay in many hotel chains, eat in restaurants we used to go to any more. So, she thought before, during and after committing adultery that it would be instant divorce.

That is why she lied and lied and swore on the bible that there was nothing going on. She did that during the adultery and for 7 years after it was over (but there was contact between them during those 7 years).

Yet, I am still here. I did not think that of myself and neither did she. We are attempting R. Don't know if it will be successful. She is working hard on herself but, IMO, it will take years of therapy to peel all of her layers away. She has had so many years of having a facade erected that it will take a long time to get to the nitty gritty.

Tell him. He deserves to know. The sooner you tell him the better it will be. Not like my WW who dragged it out over 11 years.

Volunteer it. It will mean so much. Not like my WW who I finally was able to back into a corner that she felt she couldn't wiggle out of before she confessed.

Tell it all to him - don't drag it out. Not like my WW who TT'd and had 3 DDays and is still TTing.

If he wants to know something answer him and don't make him act like a prosecuting attorney to dig out the details. If the question isn't right on the mark answer him with the correct information. Not like my WW who only answered the specific question and made me reword and further question because I knew there was more I just didn't know the specifics. She did not volunteer.

Provide him with a timeline. Not like my WW, who after 11 months from DDay 1 still hasn't provided one. She wants me to help with it and I will but I want her to take the lead, to be proactive, to initiate and she hasn't.

Do not TT. Each new piece of information hits a reset button. You probably will not remember everything but work on it and keep the length of time for new information as short as possible. Not like my WW, who when asked a question still does the IDK IDR answers but does not think about them again and try to remember until the next time I ask. (The timeline will help with many details - stimulates memory).

Be proactive. Get yourself into IC. Do it for you. Peel away the layers until you can determine what it was that made it possible for you to easily commit adultery. Work on making yourself a better person - the person you want to be. Your BH may or may not be at yourside when you finally discover her. That is a risk. But you took that risk when you decided that you would not honour (Canadian spelling) your marriage or your BH.

Let him know that if he should want a polygragh some time in the future that you will set it up and do it. Not like my WW who finally set up an appointment after me harping on it. That means she probably is just trying to shut me up. Not provide me with the comfort of knowing that all is revealed.

I have gone on at some length. I know there was more in the post that I lost. The odds are stacked against us of reconciling. Just about everything my WW did was detrimental to reconciliation. I believed that one incident would be all it would take for me to D. The jury is still out. We have a long hard road ahead. D is always on the table now. But I am still here. And still working on it.

Will your BH forgive? I have not and I am a born again Christian. Will he accept? I have not but that will probably happen before forgiveness. Forgiveness is for the forgiver not the forgiven. I do not know what your BH will do but you owe it to him to provide the information so he can make an informed decision. As I said above, he probably knows something is off kilter. Just doesn't know what. And, IMO, a solid relationship cannot be built on lies and deceit.

BH(me)63; WW 57; M 37 yrs
LTA-09/02-06/06? OM - COW
EA different COW 2001-2014? PA AP jealous of EA PA
"dates" w/3 lovers post engagement;ONS w/stranger post commitment, lies, li

Posts: 175 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Canada
♀ Member
Member # 42957
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH made the decision to reconcile after only a few weeks. It's been 5 months now, but I am fairly confident we are going to be ok. We are still in IC and MC- he's angry, depressed and feeling all of the emotions a BS spouse feels, but still very much committed to reconciling and says he makes a conscious choice to love and forgive me every day. This has a lot to do with our faith, which says forgiveness is a choice. He's really trying and I am certain that if role were reversed, I would still be furious, bitter and probably filing for divorce.

I was told by a therapist that statistically, a BH will leave and a BW will stay. I am very lucky he didn't kick my ass to the curb (what I deserve).

Reconciling after confessing LTA

Posts: 84 | Registered: Mar 2014
Topic Posts: 30
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