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Newest Member: asherssoul (45716)

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User Topic: Can't tell anyone
♂ Member
Member # 41920
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looks like the prevailing wisdom is to keep A stuff pretty well under wraps with friends and family. I respect that, and certainly with my kids I don't want it to be public information, but I'd also say that I feel zero obligation to protect my STBXWW and her A.

I've reached out to some people (my dad, a few friends) because I needed the support. Would it be nice to take back some of those conversations? Maybe, but then again I really needed help and I don't owe her confidentiality. Actions have consequences.

Me: BH 47 STBXWW 47 (Lklb5)
M 19 years, DS 15, DS 11
DD#1: 12/24/2013
TT/Broke NC/False R
DD#2: 4/15/2014
TT 4/23, 4/24, 5/31, 7/19

Sample recovery plan, feedback welcome:

Posts: 852 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
♂ New Member
Member # 44217
Default  Posted: 1:41 AM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread has been amazing to me. Sarah, thanks for the starter.
So I also just recently found this site, and until today was just a reader. I've kept myself so isolated for a long time, and finally am ready to participate and share.
After 20 years, we are divorcing. The EA (and later PA) happened a few years ago, with me confronting WW multiple times but getting gas lighted and lied to for an entire year. Went to MC, and found out later there was a lot of lying in sessions. We have tried to R, but I was ultimately never able to trust her again. We went on this way in a shallow and "convenient marriage" for a long time. The proverbial straw was a "white lie", not anything to do with any A. On our 20th anniversary this year, she got home late before we went out for a nice dinner. She was in such a rush she left my card and present at work. Next day, I get the card and gift. Two days later, in our stack of credit card receipts, I find the card and gift receipt dated the day AFTER our anniversary, during lunchtime. Man, after all the MC and during our entire R, the rule was, and is, no lies. None. Any size. It was so small, but so large. It was the end.
So, here I am. The other comments here about feelings of humiliation, reasons to share, reasons not to share, are all so valuable. I just want to thank everyone here for being so generous in words, advice, spirit and support.

Me: BH 46
Her: STBXWW 51
Married 20 yrs
Multiple DDay, unsuccessful R
D filed, ETD Oct2014

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: AZ
♀ Member
Member # 43889
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mac4, That is exactly what I am worried about too. We have friends whose husbands had affairs and it was all out in the open with one and the other was only revealed to a few. Both husbands lost friends because of it. We also noticed with the couple where the BW only told a couple of close friends including me, that the WH tries to keep her away from us. We have never treated any of them differently as they were both still our friends. Although, my WH was horrified that they had cheated on their wives at the time, but then does a similar thing years later.
mhca, you are correct, actions have consequences and I have thought too that it's not fair that my WH gets away with everyone thinking how faithful and inlove with me he is. But I also think it is a private matter.
Essdubyaohdee, This is a wonderful site for us. I have received so much helpful information and support. I'm sorry that your R hasn't worked. 20years is a long time and it is a shame. I am like you and any little lie will set me off. My WH is finally getting that there is to be no secrets anymore. If you feel you have to delete or hide something from your spouse, you shouldn't be doing it.
Surviving Infidelity, is such a wonderful site to get an insight into the minds of both sides of those involved with infidelity. It is counselling in itself I find.

Posts: 131 | Registered: Jun 2014
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to put a plug in for telling. I had no choice right after DDay: I was so dysfunctional at work that I had to let some friends there know so they could cover my work load. I also told three longtime friends who I knew would support me no matter what I decided to do.

After while, NOT telling started to feel oppressive, like I am perpetuating WH's lies and protecting his reputation at the expense of my mental health. I made WH tell his sister (mostly because he had no one else to talk to) and I told more of my friends, all of whom were supportive and positive. This week, I plan to tell my mother, who is a BW herself.

I know it's way too soon to know if there will be any long-term negative consequences, but right now, telling has been a positive and liberating experience, and I feel much lighter, like I can breathe better now.

Just my two cents.

Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Living in limbo

Posts: 380 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
Topic Posts: 24
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