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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Nowhere to turn... things just keep getting worse.
LostTime
♂ Member
Member # 42018
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry for this post/rant/vent.

I have nowhere and no one else to turn to. I feel like I'm back at ground zero. All of these realizations and digging and work has been pointless. Look at where I am. Nothing gets better. Nothing changes. Nothing will make a difference.

I don't know the truth and never will. I have been a stupid, romantic, idealistic fool with nothing but bullshit assumptions, gut feelings and pathetic hope.

SO fine. I give up. There is no point. I can't fight for something that is unattainable. I have to accept that my betrayals and lies and fucked up mind have broken, destroyed and thrown away the most beautiful special gift anyone could and has ever given me.

She will only ever see me as a useless, selfish, worthless, pathetic, asshole, shit head, waste of life, irrelevant, monster, narcissistic, cheating pig, disgusting, sickening, sack of shit, wishes I wasn't the father of her children, I know I'm missing some, but I was a fool to think it was just anger talking and that it might pass or get better. Look at what I've done... How could I think anything like that. I was a fool to think I could show her it wasn't all a lie, that I do exist.

How I wish I could make it better. If only I could take away her pain for a moment for her to see some light in me, something that might give her hope in me. How selfish is this!? I killed her light. She shouldn't see anything but what she does.

I would do anything to suck the pain and hurt and rejection out of her. Nothing I can do can change it and all I have learned from this awakening is how wrong I was to believe in myself and that I could be anything but a statistic.

It only gets worse. I will never be good enough in her eyes and I'm really tired of listening the weak voice in my head saying there's hope.... you're good enough... she still loves you somewhere inside. I never have been and never will be good enough. That's all I've ever known - why would it change now.

This is such a pathetic post. Full of self-pity, shame, loathing and regret. Pointless waste. I know better than this, but this is how I feel.

Take away from this? Never lie, cheat and betray your spouse's most precious trust, love and belief in you. There is no going back.


Me: WS - 38
Her: Beautiful, amazing BS - 38
5 beautiful amazing kids ages 2 - 14.
Separated and hoping for reconciliation one day.

Posts: 139 | Registered: Jan 2014
Imabrokenman
♂ Member
Member # 43886
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have no one to blame but yourself. That is the fact.

Now that you know that, you need to pick yourself up. No one else is going to do that for you. YOU have to do it for yourself.

Now that you have wallowed in your self pity, it is now the time to put it behind you. No one is going to hold it against you, because we have all been there. But now is the time that you have to put that away and focus on yourself. To continue on your journey of self-reflection and improvement.

Do not let your former actions define you. Become a better person, and be defined by the person you are, not the person you were. Be defined by your current actions, not the actions of your past.

It gets better.

Your actions today make a difference.

You will find your truth. Keep pressing on.



Me: WH (49)
Her: BW (48)
DDay 1: June 9, 2014
DDay 2: June 23, 2014
Married: 19 Years
No children

Currently living apart, unsure of reconciliation. In IC.


Posts: 69 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Richmond, VA
sorrowfulmate
♂ Member
Member # 43441
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lostintime,

Yeah, our actions got us here. We were the ones who made these choices.

There is no going back, because going back would put us at the same place we were. We would still do the same actions if we went back because we wouldn't have the knowledge we have now.

We inch ahead forward making small amounts of progress.

Somedays I feel like we make a mile, but only to have it almost vanish by the evening.

But I keep trying.


Me-WS 50
Her-BS 50 Questioningall
5 kids
Dday 1 12/12
Dday 2 - 3/14 EAs, 2 ONS, 1 LTA
TT until 7/14 when I gave a timeline
"Good night, Sorrowful. Good work. Sleep well. I can always divorce you in the morning." Dread BW Roberts

Posts: 178 | Registered: May 2014
NoGoodUsername
♂ Member
Member # 40181
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostTime,

Change your focus. You may not ever get to have a life with her again. That may be the cost of your infidelity and it's a grim price to pay. You are going to have to find a way to live with that new reality. We all have to.

Regardless of what happens in your marriage, you still have to live with yourself. Your work needs to be about fixing you. Knowing what is wrong with yourself, where it came from and being able to be a person that is worth a damn.

You still owe her apologies, restitution and safety, but all of that is part of you really understanding the hurt you caused and what inside of you allowed you to inflict it. Embrace the pain and pick up a mirror. Look at who you are and where your bad choices came from, then get to work.

Even if she leaves you, you still have to live with yourself. If you don't look hard at your problems and do something about them by making some deep changes in your life, you will just keep on being a danger to yourself and the people that matter to you.

I remember six months out (going by your registration date), here is something that helped me at about that time.

You're married 'till you're not.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 244 | Registered: Aug 2013
SelfishHusband
♂ Member
Member # 43174
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We've all had these moments. Think about it this way:
You owe her, right? You can never make it up to her but you owe it to her to try. Is beating yourself up, being depressed, and calling yourself names making it up to her? We're all in the same boat. It's hard. We feel like shit at times. But that's all it is. A feeling, like any other. Sit with it. Acknowledge it. Maybe do something different like go for a walk. Then, because you owe it to her, you suck it up and return to your place of compassion, and humility. How is *she* doing today?

There's nothing wrong with venting your negativity. It can be cleansing provided you dust yourself off afterward and go back to fighting the good fight. Because you owe it to her.
(You owe it to yourself too).

And no, there's nothing wrong with hope. But you have to let go of the outcome. Hope for the best, but expect the worst. She has free will. She may stay, she may not. And hey, nobody is holding a gun to your head to stay either. You have free will too. Not all waywards try to heal. Some are unremorseful and end up leaving. It's not always the betrayed that kicks the wayward out.

When all seems lost it's more important than ever to do those things for yourself that help you relax. And if nothing does, then you might consider anti-anxiety or depression meds. There's no shame in that. Some of us really do respond well to it, whether it's for short term or long term use. (Note that I am not a doctor and my advice is no substitute for seeing a qualified physician.)

Hang in there LostTime.


Me: FWH (39)
Her: BW (34)
DDay 1: March 2013 (EA/PA that *I* rugswept)
DDay 2: April 2014 (PA with double betrayal. OW was wife's friend)
Married: 13 Years
1 Handsome and Amazing Son (10)
MC and IC for 2.5 months-ish. Currently stopped.

Posts: 333 | Registered: Apr 2014
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And no, there's nothing wrong with hope. But you have to let go of the outcome. Hope for the best, but expect the worst.

I think SelfishHusband is right on with this. Maybe I will try to reframe it for you a little bit. You can't let the idea of healing this marriage get in the way of fixing yourself, even if a healed marriage is what you want more than anything right now.

As much as you want to, you can't take away her pain. That is in her court to heal.

You can make this marriage better by continuing to focus on healing yourself and being the best person you can be, and in turn a supportive partner to her.

Hang in and keep fighting.


Posts: 7244 | Registered: Dec 2010
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand those feelings of wanting to give up. the road to healing is a long and difficult one. I have had those self-loathing self-pity days too. we all have as you have read above you are in good company.

Hope is not pathetic. Hope is that little ray of sunshine that gives us something to hold onto in those darkest days.

I don't know the truth and never will.

this feeling, IMO, is a good sign. It show that you are peeling the layers, and that you know there are more layers. It tells me that you are working on you. So don't give up.

All of these realizations and digging and work has been pointless. Look at where I am. Nothing gets better. Nothing changes. Nothing will make a difference.

And where are you? Why does it not make a difference? I have seen a change in you. a difference in your postings.

I have to accept that my betrayals and lies and fucked up mind have broken, destroyed and thrown away the most beautiful special gift anyone could and has ever given me.

this is actually a healing moment for you. You may not see it as that yet. But it is.

If only I could take away her pain for a moment

You cannot take her pain away for a moment. But you can try to feel it with her. If she can see that you are willing to go into her hell with her. You may be able to bear some of that load of pain.

She will only ever see me as a useless, selfish, worthless, pathetic, asshole, shit head, waste of life, irrelevant, monster, narcissistic, cheating pig, disgusting, sickening, sack of shit, wishes I wasn't the father of her children

something I realized last night and put in another post. You are probably looking to her for validation. You need to look at what you were, and not be those things anymore. and whether she sees it or not, validate yourself. I wish I could tell you how, but this is a new one for me.

It is good to let out those bad feelings. But don't let them be an excuse to act out or to give up.

Something my IC has told me that applies here. "I am proud of you and your progress, but I will hold onto that until you can take it and be proud of yourself"


Moving from Jekyll the destroyer to Jekyll the rebuilder.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women


Posts: 629 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She will only ever see me as a useless, selfish, worthless, pathetic, asshole, shit head, waste of life, irrelevant, monster, narcissistic, cheating pig, disgusting, sickening, sack of shit, wishes I wasn't the father of her children

Even if these all describe you perfectly before, you don't have to continue to be that way.

We are all human. We are capable of making huge mistakes. We are also capable of change. None of us is beyond repair. We are all worthy of being happy if we fix those mistakes.

Your BW is only one of the ways to measure your change. Maybe nothing you do will make a difference in her eyes. That is a consequence we all have to understand. But remember that is only her view. It is not the only view.

Hang in there.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 570 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
tangledknot
♀ Member
Member # 43927
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi LostTime,

I know how you feel. There is hope, though. You are in charge of your life, not your wife. Don't let your past define you. Even if your wife sees you as those things, it doesn't mean that is who you have to be. I believe that part of the healing process is to build our integrity and take responsibility for ourselves, and not rely on others' opinions of us to define us.

What I really like about this forum is how introspective it is and that everyone here is in some stage of metamorphosis. Your wife has her own journey. The best thing you can do to help your wife heal is to fix the holes in yourself. Not matter what the outcome, it is better for all if you come out of this stronger and self-assured.

It's going to be okay. :)


Posts: 175 | Registered: Jun 2014
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost,

I am going to give you a bit of a 2x4 here, why are you letting your W define your worth?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4975 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
ScarlettA1
♀ Member
Member # 43533
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostTime,
I read your post and the following posts. There is a lot of great advice here. I don't have anything else to add but try and be compassionate to yourself. Yes, it was all bad but you know what you did wrong and you're trying to change it. Take it a day at a time or even an hour at a time. Hang in there and keep doing all the stuff you're doing. It will help you and your children no matter what.


Be Wise, Be Kind, Be True

WW 47(me)
BH 49
dday 3/19/14
11 mo EA/PA


Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: United States
LostTime
♂ Member
Member # 42018
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for your responses and input. I regret following through on posting what I did in many ways, but in others I am glad I did. I'm going to try and address everything here.

Do not let your former actions define you. Become a better person, and be defined by the person you are, not the person you were. Be defined by your current actions, not the actions of your past.

I know that I'm not that same person, but I have such a worthless sense of self and self worth/esteem I have no confidence in it yet and when all I get is anger and hatred and thrown back and defined by what I've done I soak it up and it sets me back more and more.
It gets better.
This requires faith, which is hard when I have not been able to see any light at the end of the tunnel. So much of this is me not letting go. I can't express properly the crippling beliefs that hold me back.
There is no going back, because going back would put us at the same place we were.
I realize I can't go back and I didn't mean to the way I was because I will never go back there. I meant I wish I could go back to feeling the love of my BW. I miss her so much.
Change your focus. You may not ever get to have a life with her again. That may be the cost of your infidelity and it's a grim price to pay. You are going to have to find a way to live with that new reality.
Yes, you're right. I know this. I severely lost my focus because of a combination of emotions, I do have pride in the steps I am taking and I do feel a difference. I just haven't been able for that to be enough. So when I get knocked back by my BW's comments and hurt I don't have that foundation to keep me up yet. On top of this, my BW is taking the kids on a vacation this weekend for a while down south and it's something that we always did together and really was enjoyable time for me. So it's just another reminder of how I'm on the outside and excluded now. The first of many vacations like this and I have to let it sink in. It really hurts and it sucks.
I remember six months out (going by your registration date), here is something that helped me at about that time. You're married 'till you're not.
We've been separated since Nov 2011, but I've only just woken up recently - the physical separation started May this year. So I'm also frustrated because it has been such a long time and I don't know anything from her other than she's hammered in "there is no us" "we're not married" over the past 2.5 years - I'm just so afraid I'm too late.
You owe her, right? You can never make it up to her but you owe it to her to try.
Yes, I owe her and myself to keep trying. I just have no patience and all i feel from her is contempt and disgust like why are you even bothering and that nothing I'm doing is worth a damn to her. Inside I realize that may be just her self-protection, but it she does see something at a certain point it will be counter productive to keep pushing away.
And no, there's nothing wrong with hope. But you have to let go of the outcome. Hope for the best, but expect the worst.
I know this. I am trying but haven't found the release or strength yet. I know now I can live on my own, I can survive, but I need to find that inner strength where my self worth needs to be. I know she may never give me any indication that anything I'm doing means anything to her.
You are probably looking to her for validation.
This is exactly what it is. This is the monkey I have to get off my back. My IC said I keep setting myself back and getting off track every single time I look to her for positive feedback. I have to accept it won't be there and keep going. Things have just been building up with all the emotional overload of realizing how deep things go and how much time I have wasted.
why are you letting your W define your worth?
This is the million $ question and my main journey. It is the way I have lived for so many years. I have chosen not to see worth in myself for most of my life. Everything I have done was to gain acceptance from others or to feel belonging and worth from others. I am breaking that all apart piece by piece. I really truly don't have anyone but myself now so I have to find worth in myself - I have no alternative to get to where I want to be.
Thank you for the encouragement - I am sorry for the selfish self-pity - It is negative and not who I want to be. I know I have to live NOW and make NOW matter. I've just been looking at too many big picture things this week and it's been overwhelming and really set me back.


Me: WS - 38
Her: Beautiful, amazing BS - 38
5 beautiful amazing kids ages 2 - 14.
Separated and hoping for reconciliation one day.

Posts: 139 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 12

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