I think there's room for a little FITYMI but a BS really shouldn't bend over backwards for R. It's hard enough without playing games.
Sample recovery plan, feedback welcome: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=539961
I remember times the grief was so overwhelming that my chest would hurt really bad and I literally thought my heart was being physically damaged and I was going to die from heartbreak..
This is exactly the way I felt. Exactly. I'm still not sure my heart wasn't damaged.
I have been generally open and honest with my feelings. Not to say there isn't room for a little faking it, but I'd be concerned if I was faking too often. You need to honor your real feelings, too.
Writing stuff down helped me to get stuff out. I never read them again but just the process of writing seemed to calm me a bit.
I absolutely understand how overpowering the emotions are and how they can set you back but to get through them you must deal with them.
When you engage in "fake it till you make it" what you are doing is suppressing your true feelings. Word of warning, those feeling will resurface, often with a vengeance. If you want to free yourself from the feelings and emotions then you need to deal with them. If you can do that then you have a far better chance at achieving acceptance.
[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 12:37 AM, July 25th (Friday)]
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
But I do remember getting tired of the wallowing...of wanting to stop feeling the horrible pain, the rage. As I started to heal, I wanted control of when I would fall apart and when I wouldn't. I wanted a choice and didn't want every potential good time with my H ruined by the thoughts circling in my head that, for me, were becoming destructive to my healing and our work at creating a new marriage....new memories. I wanted to stay and have fun with him, laugh with him and get back to that connected feeling. It wasn't going to happen if I was defensive and always ready to punish him.
I journaled, worked with my IC and used the STOP sign, a lot. Would yell out loud or in my head, STOP! over and over and eventually it became easier to stop those thoughts. I'd make an appointment with myself to think about them, write about them or talk about them later that day or that week when it worked for me and life became smoother. And I'd keep that appointment with me and I did work through them when the timing was better for me.
I guess you could say that's suppressing the emotion, for the moment. But for me, I got tired of the negative emotions over his betrayal ruining all my moments. Life is short, and I was approaching 60...I don't want to waste a moment of the life I have left being miserable and wallowing in a past I can't change. I can change my future, though, and was ready for life to be better, to be enjoyable, to laugh without that pit in the stomach and that pain in my heart interrupting every happy moment with the words, "I wonder if he did this with OW?" or 'don't forget he's a bastard and he broke your heart".
I worked at making it after getting through the first year or so by putting those emotions aside until I could deal with them so I could enjoy the moment I was in. It was a process and took time...it still does.
But almost five years now, life is sweet and I'm happy I put those feelings aside when it suited me and faked it and then dealt with them when I was ready. I made a habit of making it and enjoying my life again. Everybody's journey is different, but life is short and the only moment we really have is the one we are living right now.
My life went like this:
-folding laundry. Moment of disbelief and wonder in my head. H seeing my sadness and asking if I'm ok. I'd respond "yes I need space". I'd elect to go for a drive if I felt I couldn't get space (kids). (Plus I didn't want to keep breaking doen in front of kids). Id park somewhere I was alone. I'd cry. Scream. Think. Gather myself when ready. Go home. He'd ask if ok. I'd respond, yes and I'll share another time
Sometimes I'd share. Sometimes I wouldn't.
H always wants to help/fix it and many times I just needed to let it out and not talk about it.
Feel it. Express it (here, to friend, family and occasionally to H) thrn get it together and find positive in your life to put in ur head. I gave myself time to feel but not allow her to remain in my head. She took away too much of my time, I wasn't allowing that much more
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...
Now, if I'm in a good mental space, I'll initiate the hug/kiss/hand hold/smile at him. If I'm not, I don't. But it feels good to feel the good moments, rather than to recognize the potentially happy moment and yet not feel it because I'm too hurt/angry/upset.
Not sure how clearly that all came out. But since I think we're on similar timelines, I figured I'd share.
I don't suggest you FITYMI. I don't at all suggest you allow yourself to be harmful or vindictive towards your WH either. I suggest you learn to express what you are feeling and saying in a constructive, but heartfelt way. Keeping all the feelings and thoughts of a BS inside, and FITYMI instead will only bring you more pain and eventually resentment. You could try something like this:
"John, I am having a very difficult time dealing with thoughts and emotions which bring me a great deal of pain. I can't stop thinking about what you did during your affair, the other woman, and what it means. What I am feeling I can't even find the words. I feel disgust for you, what you did, and it scares me because it is turning into hate. I am confused and talking about it, getting it all out, is difficult because frankly, I do not trust you with such vulnerability. I don't trust you will be there for me when I need you mot anymore, and that's your fault for betraying our marriage. After all, you tossed my trust and stomped all over my vulnerability when you screwed another woman. I need help, from you, from others, but mostly from myself in order to get through this. I don't have the answer if I can stay married to you or leave you. I don't want to have that kind of responsibility. What I want from you now is your remorse. Otherwise, I deserve better and you are wasting my time. I am choosing not to fake how I feel, or smile at you when in reality I want to hit you. But, I want to treat you with kindness and integrity. I will continue to tell you how I feel and you do with it as you see fit. I am learning to figure out what boundaries I need to have now that you dropped this bomb on our marriage. It will take time."
I dunno, I just typed this out. It may or may not help you. As a BS and having gone through several false R, I can only share with you what I learned. True remorse is key. True remorse will see you through your difficult day and help with the better days. I look back and I am proud of how kind, gentle, and loving I was to my wife, despite the horrific things she was doing to our marriage, and how horribly she treated me. I was and still am the bigger person. My love was genuine and mature. I didn't need her to earn my love, I gave it to her as a gift the day I said "i do." But she did have to earn my respect. Without true remorse, this is impossible and will eventually lead to D. True remorse will take your pain and absorb it. It will allow you to feel the shit you are feeling, talk about it however you need to, and even let you go if you cannot stay. True remorse will move mountains to repair what was broken. True remorse will put the choice back into your hands as the BS because the A took that choice all away.
I wish you the best on your R journey and hope your WH is the man you deserve.
[This message edited by justme1264 at 12:57 PM, July 25th (Friday)]
What you are going through is so normal. My heart hurts for you because like many BS, we have all been where you are right now. Try your best to slow it down, you don't have to make any big decisions right now about your future ( for me it would have changed daily). Allow yourself to process this trauma.