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User Topic: Do you parent differently since the A
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am very aware of wanting to teach my children empathy, and doing war against entitlement and "give me one more chance" thinking. I very much do not want to raise adulterers, and I very much want my children to choose life partners who are not prone to infidelity. I find my parenting is so very much more focused on building character, taking responsibility for choices, emotional honesty... and I wonder if sometimes I need to just "chill" as a parent.

[This message edited by plainpain at 10:15 PM, July 24th (Thursday)]


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
GotPlayed
♂ Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 1:20 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OH YES

I have been a lot more strict. Still loving, and I still play with them and happily joke around with them, but when the shoe drops, it drops hard.

And yes on the entitlement stuff. Now DD8 has her savings and I make sure she buys her snacks with her savings. I help her out, but I no longer just buy her stuff. I set up a budget for my family (S) and now if it's not in the budget, she doesn't get it. Period. I'm transparent with it and tell her how much is in the budget for kids and how we're allocating it, but I'm really worried that she'll grow up entitled like STBXWW. A similar dynamic is in place for DS10, I'm much more consistent with him which I think has helped his special needs.

I don't know if empathy has changed. The special needs stuff gives you lots of it anyway but maybe if DS10 was typical it would have increased as well. I do worry a lot more about what they're feeling and thinking, and we try to reason and work through the feelings in ways I didn't before.

So far other parents have mostly complimented me on my parenting, so I'm fairly confident I'm not being too hard on them. But I was always the "laid back parent". No more. Now I see 5, 10 years into their future for every decision I have to make.

It kind of sucks. But it's good. We are temporary guardians of these beautiful creatures, and we'll have to send them off sooner than we like. So we better prepare them. I want them to be happy and have fun, but be prepared.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 755 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes but mine our grown and we talk about how to clarify your values BEFORE you get into situations where you don't know what way to turn. Because as adults, that WILL happen.
We talk about not thinking others will make us happy but we have to make ourselves happy. We talk about not hurting other people...

Never woulda happened had I not gone through this.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5230 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
1owner
♂ Member
Member # 41157
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes!

I try to get them to focus on things that build character, the importance of good character, and how to recognize it in other people. Also choices and consequences, making good decisions.

"Don't judge" is a popular saying, but the reality is that you have to have some judgement in your life. When I see intentional wrongs by others, I don't let my children be around it, and use it as an example to teach them why. On occasion, this has upset the them and I have had to say, "Because I'm Dad and I said so and that's the end of it!" I'm trying my best to teach them right from wrong in a way that will give them the best moral ground when they are adults.

Always loving, but firm when I have to be. When I put my foot down, even if they don't like it, they know it is out of love.

Raising kids is definitely an adventure, and I wouldn't trade it for anything!


Posts: 205 | Registered: Oct 2013
Daisy312
♀ Member
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honesty and openness is huge with me now! My oldest is only 5 but very mature and she and I have lots of discussions about being honest and open with each other. I worry a ton now about her growing up!

Posts: 278 | Registered: Sep 2012
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a WS from a severely broken home. My BS and I parent considerably differently now. In my digging I have seen where I have been repeating some of the patterns of my childhood. And I have been sharing my journey to find self with my DC. Apologizing along the way. and working on character building, and trying to help my boys show and voice their feelings in an emotionally safe environment.

Working more on building healthy children and not trying to make rocket scientists.


Moving from Jekyll the destroyer to Jekyll the rebuilder.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women


Posts: 697 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not that I parent differently, I find it's EASIER to parent now. Once XWW was out of the house things became much simpler. My house my rules. She can do as she pleases at her house. I can't control what my XWW does but I can damn sure insert some balance into my childrens lives to counteract the dumbshit they must witness at XWW's house. I was always open with my kids I am just more in tune to making sure they KNOW they can talk to me about anything.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1907 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Topic Posts: 7

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