My focus is on my husband and the pain he's suffering - the betrayal, the anger, the hurt, the doubts of himself and of me and of the world, the crashing down of life as he believed it to be.
I'm in a constant state of "arrows out" as my counselor refers to it where I am focused on him and helping him heal and showing him my commitment to him and our marriage and our family. I'm trying hard to rebuild trust with any chance I get.
I don't expect him to be moving on, I take full accountability of what happened. I sit and listen and validate what he tells me. This is all heartfelt and on my own. He needs a lot of physical attention (I don't just mean sex) and I do my best to give it to him.
Basically I'm doing what I "should".
However, as others know, it's taxing. It's tiring. It's exhausting. I'm not complaining - I want to do it and I need to do it after what I've done to him. It's not even a fraction of what he's going through.
I am just wondering what has been helpful to get you through the hard days? The days you think maybe it's all pointless and is not helping at all? The days your spouse is completely closed off to your efforts. The days you're exhausted and depressed and feel like you can barely function, let alone offer all of you to your spouse and his/her needs. How do you keep going?
I look at my kids and that helps, but it's going on 3 months now and I feel myself wearing down more frequently. I'm terrified one day I might screw up and have it kill all of the hard work I've done and progress I think I've made. I don't mean by contacting the AP, but I'm afraid I'll just stop focusing on my husband for a day, or two, or three and suddenly I'll be back to a selfish place and I know I'll lose him then. How do you keep going so you don't do that?
1.I have a vivid memory image of my BS face with the sun shining on it. I try to recall it and focus on it
2. I picture sunshine - trying to stay out of the darkness
3. talk with my BS about my feelings and my withdrawal
4. remind myself tired is not an excuse - if I could find time and energy to step out. than I can find time and energy to step in
5. when I am exhausted, I reach deep down inside and try to do more. - some nights passing out from pure exhaustion.
So you have to find that thing for yourself. I am a visual person, so i picture things in my head. Those help me. Play to your strengths. Remember this is a marathon not a race. Start looking toward the things that you will be able to maintain indefinitely. Hope that helps
"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"
ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)
I do not PM with Women
In those rare days when I'm feeling that way (and I'll admit to being foolishly optimistic), I will write about my negative feelings in my journal, or I might post here on the Wayward forum.
Some weeks ago, from mental and emotional exhaustion, I took a break from SI and journalling and reading self-help books. I watched a couple of dumb movies and read a few magazines for pleasure. I continued to provide support and care for my BW, however. That break recharged me.
I'm terrified one day I might screw up and have it kill all of the hard work I've done and progress I think I've made. I don't mean by contacting the AP, but I'm afraid I'll just stop focusing on my husband for a day, or two, or three and suddenly I'll be back to a selfish place
This is completely true. I kind of accept that I am going to live with that feeling. Kind of like a bad tattoo.
I try to live right, in the big picture sense. I know that I am going to slip up, but if I am honest and open and purposeful, than those little slip ups don't invalidate everything else.
Finally, both me and BW and our C's are watching me. These are safety nets for me.
It is good that you are focusing so hard on him, at some point you need to start focusing on why you did this and start fixing you. Without doing that, you will not become a safe partner for him.
It's hard on my husband for me to want to do anything alone right now, so I'm not asking for that time. I have asked for 10 min of "me" time each night but I haven't taken it yet - I guess I need to, that will probably help prevent burn out.
I just realized I never did figure out the WHY for me. I see a counselor for some issues but we've never focused on the affair or the why behind it. I actually just rescheduled my next appointment for earlier and that's the only thing I'm going to focus on. I'll tell her that I want to work through the why and fix the issues behind it and that's it - no other distractions until that's done.