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Newest Member: hewaseverything (44947)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: found out the OW has just died!
knockedsideways
♀ Member
Member # 29859
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I logged into FB just now and her sister (my friend) has a heartfelt message of grief on the passing of her beloved sister, who was the OW just over four years ago.
My H and I have worked hard to reclaim our marriage and I hope, have built a stronger relationship.
However, my first thought was not one of glee- great, she'll never bother me again- but of great sadness as I could see from her photo that she must have been getting chemo.
My quandary is this: do I tell my H the news as he is not likely to find out as he works abroad, or do I keep this news to myself and wait until he finds out much later? In the new spirit of our marriage I feel I should tell him as we are much more open about these things . I'm just worried that old wounds may be opened if they have not healed over completely.


Me: BW (46)
Him : (F)WH (46)
D-Day 8th June 2010
23years of M (25 together)
2 teenagers

Posts: 166 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Europe
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's sad, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I would tell him. If he has feelings that have gone unhealed they are still there. Things that aren't dealt with have ways of coming out later, in ways which are not always healthy

I am sure you are full of mixed feelings and whatever you are feeling is ok, deal with this with your husband rather than running from it. It will only serve you and your marriage to be honest and open with your feelings.

I would encourage your husband to be open and honest as well, he can't control what this may bring up for him, but you can both face it together.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by karmahappens at 9:29 AM, July 25th (Friday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a dilemma:

I hate the OW, but I wouldn't wish her dead.

I would tell your husband in the new spirit of open communication and transparency.

Let the chips fall where they may.

You may be pleasantly surprised at his reaction.

It may only be the normal sadness anyone feels when anyone dies


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1130 | Registered: May 2014
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My quandary is this: do I tell my H the news as he is not likely to find out as he works abroad, or do I keep this news to myself and wait until he finds out much later?

So here is what is called the double edged sword.

How do you know he doesn't already know? I mean, if he is looking her up, then you would probably get mad right?

But if you bring it up, then that means that you were checking in on her, and he will probably feel like things are going backwards.

She is not his business anymore. I would just leave it alone.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1729 | Registered: Sep 2012
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But if you bring it up, then that means that you were checking in on her, and he will probably feel like things are going backwards.

Didn't you find out through your friend, her sister?

I would tell him.

If you want honesty and transparency you gotta be willing to give it too. It isn't conditional.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
knockedsideways
♀ Member
Member # 29859
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told him.(on Skype)
I think I had more of a grief reaction as he was quite matter of fact about it. 'How did she die? ' he asked. He had not had any contact since the A.
'Cancer, I think,' I said, as her photos showed she had lost her hair.
He did not have any idea of her or her illness and this time, I believe him.
I asked him if he wanted to send a card and he said yes, it would be good to send one to the OW's sister ( our friend) . I think any feelings he had for her has long ago been put aside. He was much more interested in the present. I will talk to him again later.


Me: BW (46)
Him : (F)WH (46)
D-Day 8th June 2010
23years of M (25 together)
2 teenagers

Posts: 166 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Europe
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My first reaction to reading this was, "ha! awesome!" God, I am a terrible person.

But after a few minutes, I'm sorry anyone has lost their life, especially to that kind of battle. And I have two friends in chemo right now, so I don't need any bad karma.

I think you did right by telling him, and sounds like he was solid. Good job.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6442 | Registered: Jan 2011
jendo
♀ Member
Member # 43059
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This one is hitting close to home for me. OW in our case was diagnosed with cancer one week post dday. WH had established NC prior to the cancer diagnosis and has maintained it as far as I can tell. He did find out about it as she had previously been a coworker and his coworkers told him (They did not know about the A). Fog lifted quickly and he has really done everything possible to save our relationship. I know he doesn't look her up. But I do. He doesn't know but I do FB stalk her. She has been in chemo and has had several surgeries. She is currently in the ICU with organ failure. I honestly do not know if she will make it. I do watch just so that I know. He has not mentioned hearing about her lately and I have asked so I don't tell him what I know. She is 27 years old and is a broken person, but I don't want her to die- I wouldn't wish that upon her. I haven't really thought of what I will do if she does pass away. I don't know if I would tell him or wait and see if he finds out. Anyways, sorry this happened.

Posts: 185 | Registered: Apr 2014
JLyn1128
♀ Member
Member # 41915
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are all better people than me. I will dance on the OW's grave. I'm watching a family member pass slowly and all I can think is...this lovely woman is dying slowly and painfully while that other person will probably outlive us all. I don't feel that way because of her A with my WSO, but because she's been so awful to me for no reason.

That said... I'd tell him. We all expect them to be open with us about significant occurrences... this would be one of those, I think.

[This message edited by JLyn1128 at 9:18 AM, July 26th (Saturday)]


Me BSO 61
Him WSO 62
Together 29 years, living together 17. He's been with her off and on for half of that.
OW - Available. Thinks 'love' is in the way he looks at her.
Status - R and hopeful

Posts: 90 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: CA
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a bitch. My first thought was the witch is dead song from The Wizard of Oz.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1758 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a bitch. My first thought was the witch is dead song from The Wizard of Oz.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1758 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
stunnedmullet
♀ Member
Member # 42975
Default  Posted: 3:08 AM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too would be happy if the OW was to die, the longer and more painful the better. She deserves every ounce of pain she receives


DD April Fools Day 2014 (unfortunately no joke)

BS (me) 40
WH 38
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years

4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA

Us together 20 years, married 17 and 6 kids

I always thought I was enough but obviously not!


Posts: 186 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
stunnedmullet
♀ Member
Member # 42975
Default  Posted: 3:08 AM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too would be happy if the OW was to die, the longer and more painful the better. She deserves every ounce of pain she receives


DD April Fools Day 2014 (unfortunately no joke)

BS (me) 40
WH 38
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years

4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA

Us together 20 years, married 17 and 6 kids

I always thought I was enough but obviously not!


Posts: 186 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 6:12 AM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JLyn,

There is no OW name callling in the Reconciliation Forum. Please review forum guidelines.

Thank you.


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
Hopefuldad468
♂ Member
Member # 44143
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really respect you for you empathy for your husband and the OW. I also applaud you for telling him...the truth always comes out anyway. Better you telling him now than him finding out later.

I do not know the details in your situation but j have to say that while I am a ver empathetic person..there is one individual on this earth that I would not waste a single moment of my time and energy mourning ...the OM. I would actually wonder how it happened and hope for something that showed karma was a bitch....


Posts: 65 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Midwest USA
Topic Posts: 15

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