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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How did your former WS end it with his or her AP?
needfriendshere
♀ Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked this question in another post and felt it really needed its own place in this forum.

I don't know about you, but I am constantly tormented by HOW my FWH broke it off with his AP. I think it is why she is having such a difficult time healing and why she won't leave me alone (and why she is still trying to get him back). For details, see my post "I'm Afraid I Married a Monster".

I love my FWH so much and so much healing has taken place. But this "little" (Ha!) detail keeps ruining it for me. To be honest, it has me thinking I have the worst H out there. Like I said above, a monster.

So I would really like to know, how did your WS's break off their A's? Was my H unique or was what he did the status quo?

I hope to hear from you! I know it is a painful topic (for me at least), but I believe healing can come from knowing we are not alone!

Hugs to you all!!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 423 | Registered: May 2014
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am having the same problem with a still stalking OW.

I can't believe she even thinks she has a chance to rekindle with my spouse.

It makes me wonder what he said to her when he ended it that makes her think he is still interested in her in any way.

My wayward admits that he was too kind and gentle when he broke it off.

He said he acted that way not because he was worried about her feelings, but because he feared she make go even more bunny boiler and try to hurt me.

I don't know what to believe


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1392 | Registered: May 2014
SadieMae
♀ Member
Member # 42986
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The morning after I asked him, "was that a chat?" WH sent OW a text that his wife had found out and he couldn't talk to get anymore. The next day he sent her another text reiterating the same info. Their affair was always long distance, they never met. It lasted a year.


Me: BW 40
Him: SAWH 40
Together half our lives.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: North Carolina
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH kind of did what your FWH did, needfriendshere. But, it was a more drawn out way. He felt he had to "wean OW off his wiener". <Not his words.

He knew he had to end it as the "FWB's" fling he thought he had with OW wasn't just FWB's to OW. OW wanted my FWH and he didn't want OW, just the fucking. He just stopped seeing OW less and less. Of course, every time he saw OW he fucked OW. He just kept spacing the time out longer and longer and then finally he just stopped taking OW's calls and never returned them. He finally got a new phone number so OW didn't even know his new cell #. He never "officially" ended it with OW, just faded away. Conflict avoidant much?

Then OW started the 6 years of stalking my husband. Which then led to OW sending me a letter exposing the affair, 6 years after FWH ended it.

eta: I feel that my FWH honestly felt that weaning OW off of him would hurt OW less then just abruptly ending it. I feel that many men may actually feel that giving the women one last good fuck is a kindness. Because their penis's are just so very, very awesome.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 10:20 AM, July 25th (Friday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
needfriendshere
♀ Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seethelight, I'm not sure it is just what they said when they broke it off that keeps the OP hanging on. I think it's the promises they made when they were together.

My H would not let his AP break it off when she tried to! He kept telling her not to worry - that it would work out for them in the end. He also told her how happy she made him and how much he loved her. Repeatedly. Why? Because he was convinced that I would never find out and that he could go on having his cake and eating it too. Then, because he kept her dangling for 6 years, it took him 3 days and 5-6 f---'s to finally end it with her WHEN I FOUND OUT! Of course, she thinks she feels entitled. And, back to my original point, it makes my H sound like a monster!

But, in spite of all the promises my H made in the heat of the moment, they both admit that their A was all about sex (or mostly about sex). They had no foundation on which to build a real relationship. My H and I have built a life together and a pretty awesome one at that. That is why I am staying with him in spite of what he allowed his "member" to drive him to do for 6 years. Plus, now that she is out of the picture, my H and I have renewed passion in our marriage, the likes of which neither of us have known before. There is nothing she can offer him that I can't. During their H, he treated me so coldly and angrily that I was unable to get excited with him unless we had both been drinking. So, in a vicious cycle created by his A, that part of our marriage suffered, thus keeping him going back to her to satisfy his lust.

Why am I getting into all of this? Because I am trying to understand what he did and why, as well as why he broke it off the way he did. And, more so, why I am still hanging around after he did it.

And it comes down to this: By realizing what we almost lost, we are now making sure nothing like what my H did to us will happen again. Basically, because we love each other - always have.

So - what is your story? Did finding out how your FWS broke it off with his or her AP hinder R in any way? Or was your WS a lady or a gentleman in letting the OP go?


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 423 | Registered: May 2014
needfriendshere
♀ Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SisterMilkshake, this would be hilarious if it wasn't so damned true: "I feel that many men may actually feel that giving the women one last good fuck is a kindness. Because their penis's are just so very, very awesome."


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 423 | Registered: May 2014
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out and demanded a NC phone call in front of me. Both times.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5281 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told her either she could call him right there in front of me and end it, and we could start working on things or I could go see a lawyer. So she called, told him they were done, I heard him say something like "You're always welcome to call if you need me" and she said "No, I'm not" and just hung it up there.

That would have felt a lot more sincere if 3 weeks later I didn't unearth the whole semi-secret email account thing but it is what it is.

"I feel that many men may actually feel that giving the women one last good fuck is a kindness. Because their penis's are just so very, very awesome."

AGUAMENTI

[This message edited by StillGoing at 11:08 AM, July 25th (Friday)]


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7488 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, on the first dday, he sent a NC text about three days later. Took him that long to get the stones to do it. Then 10 days later they saw each other at a work conference and they spent an hour in her hotel room breaking up in person. "I felt I had to explain myself." Then about a week later they started up the EA part of the affair again.

On the second dday, he called her at 11pm and left her a message saying never to call him again. So two days later at work the first thing she did was call him. So he told her to never call him again. Then a few days after that she called again, and by then he'd finally gone to IC who gave him the sage advice to just.hang.up. and he did. She called back three times, he hung up, and she's never contacted him again.

Two years later she tried to follow me on Twitter. That's the only other contact.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
Hrtbrken1
♀ Member
Member # 33802
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When MOW's BH busted them, she called FWH at work. He either told her via the phone call, or an email that same day, that they had been childish and it was done. He never contacted her ever again. She sent an email the next day to him, saying her BH understood how she felt about FWH, and was ok with her calling him to say goodbye. He didn't even read the email, just forwarded it to me and blocked her. I'm the one that responded, making it very clear there would be no phone call, and what I thought of her. He threw her under the bus so fast I heard the thumps of wheels hitting her body.


Me-BW
Him-WH
Together 16 years, married 10.
DDay 07/26/2011, 8 month EA/PA with friend of our family. Months of TT.
DDay#2 Early spring 2012, confirmed EA with another woman.

Posts: 144 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Sunny South
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She didn't really. I did. I took her phone, called him. He was out of town otherwise I was driving to his house. I was fortunate he was out of town for the next week otherwise I am unsure what would have happened. Then I called his W. She sent NC a little while later. Then I found SI. :)



Posts: 1428 | Registered: Jan 2012
Exhausted in OH
♀ Member
Member # 34340
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I made him call her immediately, but didn't tell him what to say. He told her that I knew, and that his focus was now on doing everything he could to fix his family, and that they could never be in contact again. She asked if he was ok. She asked if I was going to tell her H (I stupidly did not). They said goodbye. That was the last contact ever as far as I know.


BS 42(now 45), WH now 46
Married 15 (now 18!), together 22, 3 great kids - 15, 13, 10
DD Sept 2011 - 4mo PA; on DD also admitted to ONS in 2007
R going well
And now I realize...- Me OEA - old college friend
No longer exhausted nor in OH

Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2011
LivinginLimbo
♀ Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So - what is your story? Did finding out how your FWS broke it off with his or her AP hinder R in any way? Or was your WS a lady or a gentleman in letting the OP go?

I read how your FWH had sex with the AP then broke up with her. It appears that you think what he did was "ungentlemanly."

My FWH ended his via a cut and dry "my wife knows, it's over" text to the 7 year LTA AP.

Honestly, I don't know what would be considered proper etiquette in breaking off an A. These are amoral people ending an illicit relationship. They knew exactly what they were getting themselves into. I couldn't care less that the AP's feelings got hurt or if she felt used. She and she alone put herself in that position.



BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1049 | Registered: Mar 2012
needfriendshere
♀ Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hrtbrken1, I like this: "I'm the one that responded, making it very clear there would be no phone call, and what I thought of her. He threw her under the bus so fast I heard the thumps of wheels hitting her body."

You were lucky. In my case, when I communicated with the OW, she slowly began to rip me to shreds. She said she wanted to apologize. I accepted her apology and then she began to tell me about all the things he told her, what they did together and, basically, a dozen other things that she hoped would make me tell him to get the hell out of my life and go back to her. Very manipulative!

I am hearing that some of your WS's dragged the break-up out. I can almost understand that, but ouch!! I'm sorry!

Wert, I love it - what you shared! How many of you other BH's out there "almost" kicked the shit out of the OM? How many of you actually DID? I honestly think it's a guy thing - a thing I have to admit that I admire about you.
O.K. So we might end up behind bars for a night or 2. But the sheer satisfaction...

[This message edited by needfriendshere at 11:43 AM, July 25th (Friday)]


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 423 | Registered: May 2014
needfriendshere
♀ Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LivinginLimbo, good point! There is nothing gentlemanly or lady-like about any of what our WS's did. But I have to admit, how your WH broke it off was what I wish with all my heart my H had done. It would save me a lot of nightmares, day-mares, and other miseries. Your H was as close to a gentleman as anyone in this situation can be. In my book, comparatively-speaking, I would give the guy a hug!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 423 | Registered: May 2014
jendo
♀ Member
Member # 43059
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He told her by text that I knew and it was the end.

Posts: 226 | Registered: Apr 2014
needfriendshere
♀ Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exhausted in OH, the way your H ended it, I don't think you needed to let the BH know...You were lucky. I let the BH know that his WW would not leave us - mainly me - alone. It did not go well. It ended up with my H calling the BH to apologize and the way that went...Well let me put it this way, my H hopes to God he never runs into this guy!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 423 | Registered: May 2014
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine just stopped talking to her. I found messages with her begging him to call, to email, anything. She sent links to songs, got angry, whined that he 'never cared', etc. He would send a text every 3 or 4 weeks, just to 'twist the knife' as he says, but no more calls, nothing. I found out because he didn't erase all of his texts from her, and I checked his phone. He hadn't spoken to her in 4 months, and hadn't had a nice round of texting in over 3 months.

I think that's the only reason I was able to stay with him - I knew he had ended it. Of course, when I found out, he sent her a message apologizing. For what I don't know. He says he knew I was going to make her life hell. Too f'n bad.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
LivinginLimbo
♀ Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your H was as close to a gentleman as anyone in this situation can be. In my book, comparatively-speaking, I would give the guy a hug!

Hugging him was about the last thing I wanted to do.

Don't you see how this AP used you as a way to get even with your FWH? Why on earth would you care about how she got dumped? This was her choice. This is a situation she placed herself in voluntarily.

In my case, the AP blogged about being so hurt because he ended the LTA so abruptly and impersonally.

Our FWH's don't owe anything to their AP's but they owe a hell of a lot to their spouses. I would focus on that and that alone.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1049 | Registered: Mar 2012
Lark
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well... I'd say your WH revealed his true self to her as well as you with that trip. That is why she is so pissed off. She suddenly realized her knight in shining armor was quite literally just using hre for sex and a good time and had no concern for her feelings.

For my husband
- OW1's husband found out in January. She issued a fake NC after telling him exactly what she told her husband so he'd corroborate it if the husband asked. Then said something like "the bruises he's given me are nothing compared to the pain I've given him. My heart will forever be yours" blahblahblah then ended with "I cannot talk to you ever again." Nice little elements of appealing to my husband's KISA, she's the victim, she needs to be rescued, no contact but still love you, blahblah. Anyway, of course the next day she emails him from a new account. My husband tried to "end" the EA in March by telling her how much he loved her (because that's how you should always end things, y'know) and that she'd always know where his heart was, giving her a necklace engraved with her nickname, and then kissing her. So of course she emailed him and called him the next day.

After I found out came the true ends.
- OW2, I texted her as my husband sat 4 feet in front of me, asking if she'd ever had sex with my husband because he was having a hard time answering. My husband did not contact her at all after I found out except to call her, while I sat next to him, and tell her it was over. She tried to text him after, and I went off on her and she hasn't texted again.
- OW1, he emailed the morning I found out "wife found out some stuff. not your fault. do not call or email." The wording of that one still pisses me off. I found out about OW1 a couple hours later and emailed her to let her know about OW2, that she was "not special"
- He called OW1, again while sitting next to me, after writing out with me a NC, and told her he never loved her, he was sorry for all the fantasy world bullshit, that she was never to contact him or us again.

I think OW1 would've still been in contact with him - based on their history of "NC" - if I hadn't sent her the email breaking her delusions. I don't think my husband would have responded, however, and he seems quite real in his "relief" to be done with both of them.

[This message edited by Lark at 12:04 PM, July 25th (Friday)]


“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” - Dumbledore

Posts: 740 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
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