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User Topic: How did your former WS end it with his or her AP?
needfriendshere
♀ Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Lark, 2 OW's?? (((Lark)))

So glad FWH finally manned-up and did the right thing. Sometimes they need a nudge from the ones they really love (us)....


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 423 | Registered: May 2014
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, such different stories. My WS was living with OW. He got up very early New Years Day 2013 and told her he needed to come home to help me heal. He was very worried about me. When he told me this, I told him that was not fair and it was cowardly. Typical of him. When she called, drunk, later that night, he continued to try to placate her. To no avail. She keeps calling drunker and drunker with her kids listening to everything fracking swear word she threw at him. He told her he wanted to see if we could make our marriage work without any of the cheating. She, of course, was extremely angry and vindictive. The next day I felt so sorry for her, I sent her an email to try to help her through it. She responded with a very nasty email telling me what my WS had done to me throughout our marriage. It almost killed me. And my WS continued to lie to me for an additional 8 months. To this day, I still do not know if I have the whole truth.


And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1325 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The morning after dday, I went to his office and told her to resign and pack up.

She went home early that day. They met the next day, had a coffee and both agreed that "it was over". ( so sad)

She emailed him the following week to say that she needed closure and could they meet? I texted her from his phone saying there would be no form of contact again, and to consider that closure.

As far as I know, there has been NC since then.

But I would have been happier if HE had initiated the "break up" and the enforcement of NC.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 785 | Registered: Feb 2012
needfriendshere
♀ Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Devastated30, Ooooooo!! I fell for this same thing - feeling sorry for the OW. You said "The next day I felt so sorry for her, I sent her an email to try to help her through it. She responded with a very nasty email telling me what my WS had done to me throughout our marriage. It almost killed me."

I did the exact same thing and our OW responded exactly like your OW did. After the apology I mentioned above and my accepting it (telling her I knew she was in pain too), the horrible texts began - the ones giving me all the gory details.

For those of you out there reading this, DO NOT EVER tell the OP you feel sorry for them or that you understand their pain, anything like that. They will turn praying mantis on you and eat your heart out!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 423 | Registered: May 2014
Lark
♀ Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes 2 OWs... in a way it makes it easier? I suppose?
OW1 was an EA turned PA then went EA again afterher husband found out. But, in my husband's words, he started freaking out about the level it was approaching about a month before her husband found out. It didn't stop him, but he was freaking out about how deep he was in. She was "truly in love" with him. He felt obligated to keep up his KISA and romantic crap with her after her husband found out.

But then he picked up OW2 who was purely physical.

In some ways, that he had two kind of takes away some of the pain of worry that it was actually love from him. It reinforces that it truly was just him as a very very broken person. He was even flirting with OW2 throughout the time with OW1. And that he continued to tell OW1 romantic stuff in between texts to OW2 just.. kind of really shows he didn't mean any of it.

So I guess in that way it's easier?

In another way it's like omg what kind of monster had he become that he saw the fallout from OW1 and then went and picked up a purely physical PA??

But yes he says and seems genuinely relieved to be done with them. He seemed that way from the moment I found out. Like there was no moment where he seemed like he actually had feelings for them. He didn't think they were bad people, but he didn't seem in love or wanting to keep them or anything. So I guess that made it easier? If he'd run off with either one of them even for a goodbye tryst, I do not know if I could've tried to R.


“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” - Dumbledore

Posts: 740 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
needfriendshere
♀ Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, Lark. That's my big struggle here - the fact that my WH DID run off to have a final tryst with his AP - AFTER I found out about them, and knowing I was hurting so bad and ALSO KNOWING I was not going to throw him out because he said he loved me and that it was over with her!

He is being amazing now - but that good-bye... It is what keeps her believing he still must love her, and what keeps me wondering sometimes what kind of man I am married to when I get in those dark, dark, moods.


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 423 | Registered: May 2014
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He didn't. He sent an NC letter, but told her to ignore it, and took the A underground.

I don't know if they're still in touch. I think the last d-day might have queered the luv a little, but what do I know? They're a delusional duo.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8849 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Chinadoll30
♀ Member
Member # 43131
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmmm. He had "attempted" to end it multiple times. Then on a Wednesday, her BH found out. Called my WH cursed him out, etc, but WH kept texting her. He says to check on his own ass, see if I would find out. Texted with her Thursday. Then Thursday evening OW's BH told me. H texted her a couple times after that, getting their story straight. Little did he know she sold him right down the river. On that Thursday he said he was done, it was over, she said she couldn't bring herself to admit it. Friday morning I shut his phone off. At some point Friday she left a note on his truck. He has not seen her or heard from her since. That was 4 months ago.


"We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means 'I survived'." -Chris Cleave

Posts: 301 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Philadelphia
SadFlower
♀ Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH agreed immediately to NC on D-Day. The next day, he was so distraught he could barely function. He asked for that day to pull himself together before informing OW of NC. I handed him How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, and he used his day to read the whole thing.

OW texted him: "Is everything ok?" His response: "No. I'll call you tomorrow."

So, the next day (2 days after D-Day), he called her. I was not present, and did not insist on that (although in retrospect, I wish I had).

According to his account of the conversation (which I believe is truthful), OW had a panic attack--couldn't breathe, was gasping and wheezing--to the point that WH was scared and almost called 911. She kept repeating, "What am I going to do? What am I going to do?"

FWH actually recommended that she confess to her BH and cited passages from How To Help Your Spouse to make his point--and to bolster his insistence on complete NC.

OW has broken NC three times in the last two years, but FWH has not responded to her at all.


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 408 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
needfriendshere
♀ Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadflower, your H's OW kept repeating, "What am I going to do?" when your H broke it off?

I can tell them all what to do: Get a life! Get a life that does not involve another woman's husband and move on!! It's what I pray for every day for my FWH's AP...


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 423 | Registered: May 2014
musiclovingmom
♀ Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OW1 faked a pregnancy and miscarriage within 2 months of their only physical tryst. He tried to stay friendly with her for a while, but basically just started ignoring anything she sent him.

OW2 he started ignoring a couple of months before dday. She texted me the day after dday to congratulate me on my newest pregnancy. We had a brief conversation that I now regret - except for the part where I told her to never speak to anyone in my family again. She tried with both of us a couple more times over the next month and continually runs her mouth about how much she 'can't stomach' me, but she hasn't had any direct contact with either of us.

OW 3 and 4 were both women he met on AFF. They chatted via yahoo messenger. I took over control of that account and when they messages him, I pretended to be him, explained that he had almost lost his wife and couldn't talk to either of them any more. #4 fought back briefly with 'we can't even be friends', but that was it. He hasn't signed into that account since before dday.

OW5 was the one who outed him. 3 days before my wedding I got a fb message from her and almost immediately he got a text from her that said 'don't hate me'. She played the apologetic victim very well. I called her on her bs. My sister-in-law also called her out - enough that she felt threatened and called my H to save her. He didn't. He told her he would tell his sister to back off and then continued by saying that everything he ever told her was a lie, everything they ever did was a mistake and that he couldn't believe he had given her anything that was supposed to be mine. He told her to never contact him in any way again. She texted the next day saying she hoped they could still be friends and he showed me and then deleted it.

He confessed to #2 and #1 after dday. I found 3&4 when I went through the accounts he had given me passwords for. #1 and #5 both attempted contact almost exactly one year after dday. Both were met with a block on fb. A couple of weeks to dday anti 2 and so far nothing from anyone. I think if he had t been so aggressive in cutting off contact immediately and giving me full transparency immediately, we would not be doing as well in R as we are.


Posts: 1109 | Registered: Jan 2013
Girlietoo
♀ Member
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH called her and broke off the affair 2 weeks prior to DD. I still had no idea. The night before DD he texted her again, asking her how she was doing and that he was still thinking of her everyday. It was this set of text messages that I found and led to the discovery of the affair. He would have been home free had he not texted her again.

I called the OW to tell her I had caught them. My husband never spoke to her again. One small piece of comfort that I have is that he didn't grant her so much as a good bye. I hope to this day that his lack of contact with her made her feel dirty and used.


Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 247 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In some ways, that he had two kind of takes away some of the pain of worry that it was actually love from him. It reinforces that it truly was just him as a very very broken person.

when I caught my husband the 2nd time that was the very first thought in my head. Oh, it's not them, it's him. And he's really really sick.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5281 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
needfriendshere
♀ Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I hope to this day that his lack of contact with her made her feel dirty and used."

After my H cut his AP off, she became desperate and crazy - texting me, warning me of the type of guy he was (and spilling all the details of their A, yada, yada, yada.) But underneath all her nasty and hurtful words, I could see someone who felt exactly like that - dirty and used. And, frankly, that's how she should feel.


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 423 | Registered: May 2014
blackbirdfly
♀ New Member
Member # 41131
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH didn't. Not really. OW had moved away and they kept in touch with graphic sexual emails and pictures. One day she was visiting when I was out of town (prior to dday) and he begged her several times to meet for more sex. He claims she turned him down and he "felt better" whatever that means.

It is still a huge source of pain that he never ended it with her at all, and that he never established NC. He contacted her several times after dday (claims he did to tell her not to tell me anything). Then just a few months ago emailed her again telling her he loved her and always had.

It's been excruciating and I think you have every reason to be devestated that he ended it like that. It's just one more part of this huge amount of pain we have to deal with


Me: BW - 36
Him: WH - 38

Kids, yes.

Currently in Limbo, possible R. WH says he wants R. I'm not convinced.


Posts: 48 | Registered: Oct 2013
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There were a few conversations immediately after DDay, but my WH basically ended it by becoming unreachable. He disposed of his phone and quit his job, and we moved. Buh bye. I don't feel a bit bad for her. She pursued him, she knew he was married, she wanted to be his piece on the side, that's how the game ends.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, on the first DDAY, I told her she needed to end it by calling him in front of me. She refused, saying it "would be weird." Me, being an idiot, said she needed to figure out a way to end it ASAP. She met him at McDonald's and ended it (supposedly).

After it went underground, and I rediscovered it 8 months later, *I* forced it to end.

One morning I told my wife we were going to Target (which was true)....but I left out the part where we were going to OM's apartment. I packed a bookbag full of pictures of my family and son and a 10-inch knife, intending to confront them both with pictures of what they were destroying and to stab the AP if he got fucking lippy. As we got near the AP's home, my wife got visibly nervous. When we pulled in front of the home, she reached for the bag (finally putting 2 + 2 together) and I ripped it from her hands and made my way towards the apartment's outside door. She screamed out the open driver's side door, "It's over! It's over! It's already over!!!", as I made my way to the door.

I turned to her and yelled, "No! You, and I, and HIM are going to figure this fucking shit out right fucking now!" She repeated her pleas that it "was already over..."

I got back into the car and we drove home while she sobbed to herself.


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2175 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH was getting indications that MOW coworker was possible messing around with other men. He made it quite clear that he would not tolerate such behavior ~ and God knows he shouldn't!

At some point he could no longer deny the fact that MOW was "busy" with other men. She entered his office to inform him she would be going on a weekend trip with one of my H male employees (also M).

My WH ended it with her after work that day. That evening she was standing at my front door. Tossed his ass right under the bus then backed up over him!

She arrived at work the next day apologizing and "hoping that she didn't cause any problems"

She was obviously done with my WH. He took off the rose colored glasses and hated what he saw (in himself and MOW) and he was done with her. Obviously there was no stalking by either.

6 months later we moved thousands of miles away!

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 11:20 AM, July 26th (Saturday)]


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2123 | Registered: Nov 2011
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did he end it? Dragged out and ugly.

I walked in on them on a Wednesday. I spent most of Thursday curled in a fetal position, crying. Thursday night we went for a three hour drive -- out of earshot of the kids -- and I gave him 24 hrs to decide if he was going to leave the house or break off the A. He called her on Friday morning, then also met with her in her car at lunch to tell her it was over. They planned to have one last big emotional good-bye f*ck fest on Saturday night -- having me know about it and suffer emotionally was apparently a turn on for her -- but when I ended up in the hospital Saturday morning with a panic attack, he reconsidered and cancelled. Instead, he went again to meet her in her car in a local park on Saturday afternoon, where they made out and cried at each other. I saw a text from her that night indicating that she waited all night in the hotel for him, just in case he changed his mind.

Unbeknownst to me, he left her with alot of ambiguity, telling her, for instance, that he would find her again when he was 70 and that he would always love her. As a result, she did NOT respect NC in any way. After 3 more weeks, he sent her an actual NC letter, telling her it was over, that he was recommitting to the marriage and that he did NOT want ANY contact. She seemed to think of this as a letter written by a hostage at this insistence of his captor, and disregarded it.

Contact dragged on for many weeks. She confronted him in our church parking lot, sent him texts, email and phone messages, and emailed me with graphic details about the affair. WH was great about not responding. He changed all of his #s, blocked her on all his accounts, and became unreachable. I, in my grief-induced psychosis, kept hitting back and getting re-injured. Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Finally, almost exactly two months after DDay, she staged a drama in our driveway, stalking WH until he put our kids on the bus, blocking him in the driveway with her car, reaching through his car window to caress him (and preventing him from moving the car lest he run her over. Wish he had.) and finally handing him a good-bye letter. The incident was witnessed by both my neighbor and my teenaged son, who was home sick that day. The next day, WH had his lawyer send her a cease and desist letter, and he has not heard from her since.

Great story, huh?


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Back on the coaster. Who knows?

Posts: 373 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
inthedark14
♀ Member
Member # 41924
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well my WH AP lives out of town where my husband flips houses so once I found out he didn't go there for 4 months so he didn't see her. I did demand he call of text he in front of me to tell her it's over , this was Xmas Eve she then called him ALL DAY EVERY MINUTE Xmas day he didn't answer , then she called or texted him almost daily in January, I allowed him to speak to her once wen she called to say she got the abortion (ya supposedly pregnant but supposedly terminated) and then she called him daily til January 26th, he FINALY told her stop texting then 3 weeks later out of the blue she texted him in February saying "wen r u comin bak up here babe" that's wen I lost it and called her and went off on her and we have not heard from her since and that was 5 months ago


WH: 39/BW:Me,32
Married 14 years in March, 2 Beautiful children 8 & 12
D-Day: Xmas Eve 2013-worst day of my life

"The most expensive thing in th world is TRUST, it takes years to earn and just a matter of seconds to lose"


Posts: 102 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: santa rosa ca
Topic Posts: 58
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