So glad FWH finally manned-up and did the right thing. Sometimes they need a nudge from the ones they really love (us)....
She went home early that day. They met the next day, had a coffee and both agreed that "it was over". ( so sad)
She emailed him the following week to say that she needed closure and could they meet? I texted her from his phone saying there would be no form of contact again, and to consider that closure.
As far as I know, there has been NC since then.
But I would have been happier if HE had initiated the "break up" and the enforcement of NC.
I did the exact same thing and our OW responded exactly like your OW did. After the apology I mentioned above and my accepting it (telling her I knew she was in pain too), the horrible texts began - the ones giving me all the gory details.
For those of you out there reading this, DO NOT EVER tell the OP you feel sorry for them or that you understand their pain, anything like that. They will turn praying mantis on you and eat your heart out!
But then he picked up OW2 who was purely physical.
In some ways, that he had two kind of takes away some of the pain of worry that it was actually love from him. It reinforces that it truly was just him as a very very broken person. He was even flirting with OW2 throughout the time with OW1. And that he continued to tell OW1 romantic stuff in between texts to OW2 just.. kind of really shows he didn't mean any of it.
So I guess in that way it's easier?
In another way it's like omg what kind of monster had he become that he saw the fallout from OW1 and then went and picked up a purely physical PA??
But yes he says and seems genuinely relieved to be done with them. He seemed that way from the moment I found out. Like there was no moment where he seemed like he actually had feelings for them. He didn't think they were bad people, but he didn't seem in love or wanting to keep them or anything. So I guess that made it easier? If he'd run off with either one of them even for a goodbye tryst, I do not know if I could've tried to R.
He is being amazing now - but that good-bye... It is what keeps her believing he still must love her, and what keeps me wondering sometimes what kind of man I am married to when I get in those dark, dark, moods.
I don't know if they're still in touch. I think the last d-day might have queered the luv a little, but what do I know? They're a delusional duo.
OW texted him: "Is everything ok?" His response: "No. I'll call you tomorrow."
So, the next day (2 days after D-Day), he called her. I was not present, and did not insist on that (although in retrospect, I wish I had).
According to his account of the conversation (which I believe is truthful), OW had a panic attack--couldn't breathe, was gasping and wheezing--to the point that WH was scared and almost called 911. She kept repeating, "What am I going to do? What am I going to do?"
FWH actually recommended that she confess to her BH and cited passages from How To Help Your Spouse to make his point--and to bolster his insistence on complete NC.
OW has broken NC three times in the last two years, but FWH has not responded to her at all.
D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA
I can tell them all what to do: Get a life! Get a life that does not involve another woman's husband and move on!! It's what I pray for every day for my FWH's AP...
OW2 he started ignoring a couple of months before dday. She texted me the day after dday to congratulate me on my newest pregnancy. We had a brief conversation that I now regret - except for the part where I told her to never speak to anyone in my family again. She tried with both of us a couple more times over the next month and continually runs her mouth about how much she 'can't stomach' me, but she hasn't had any direct contact with either of us.
OW 3 and 4 were both women he met on AFF. They chatted via yahoo messenger. I took over control of that account and when they messages him, I pretended to be him, explained that he had almost lost his wife and couldn't talk to either of them any more. #4 fought back briefly with 'we can't even be friends', but that was it. He hasn't signed into that account since before dday.
OW5 was the one who outed him. 3 days before my wedding I got a fb message from her and almost immediately he got a text from her that said 'don't hate me'. She played the apologetic victim very well. I called her on her bs. My sister-in-law also called her out - enough that she felt threatened and called my H to save her. He didn't. He told her he would tell his sister to back off and then continued by saying that everything he ever told her was a lie, everything they ever did was a mistake and that he couldn't believe he had given her anything that was supposed to be mine. He told her to never contact him in any way again. She texted the next day saying she hoped they could still be friends and he showed me and then deleted it.
He confessed to #2 and #1 after dday. I found 3&4 when I went through the accounts he had given me passwords for. #1 and #5 both attempted contact almost exactly one year after dday. Both were met with a block on fb. A couple of weeks to dday anti 2 and so far nothing from anyone. I think if he had t been so aggressive in cutting off contact immediately and giving me full transparency immediately, we would not be doing as well in R as we are.
I called the OW to tell her I had caught them. My husband never spoke to her again. One small piece of comfort that I have is that he didn't grant her so much as a good bye. I hope to this day that his lack of contact with her made her feel dirty and used.
In some ways, that he had two kind of takes away some of the pain of worry that it was actually love from him. It reinforces that it truly was just him as a very very broken person.
when I caught my husband the 2nd time that was the very first thought in my head. Oh, it's not them, it's him. And he's really really sick.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...
After my H cut his AP off, she became desperate and crazy - texting me, warning me of the type of guy he was (and spilling all the details of their A, yada, yada, yada.) But underneath all her nasty and hurtful words, I could see someone who felt exactly like that - dirty and used. And, frankly, that's how she should feel.
It is still a huge source of pain that he never ended it with her at all, and that he never established NC. He contacted her several times after dday (claims he did to tell her not to tell me anything). Then just a few months ago emailed her again telling her he loved her and always had.
It's been excruciating and I think you have every reason to be devestated that he ended it like that. It's just one more part of this huge amount of pain we have to deal with
Currently in Limbo, possible R. WH says he wants R. I'm not convinced.
After it went underground, and I rediscovered it 8 months later, *I* forced it to end.
One morning I told my wife we were going to Target (which was true)....but I left out the part where we were going to OM's apartment. I packed a bookbag full of pictures of my family and son and a 10-inch knife, intending to confront them both with pictures of what they were destroying and to stab the AP if he got fucking lippy. As we got near the AP's home, my wife got visibly nervous. When we pulled in front of the home, she reached for the bag (finally putting 2 + 2 together) and I ripped it from her hands and made my way towards the apartment's outside door. She screamed out the open driver's side door, "It's over! It's over! It's already over!!!", as I made my way to the door.
I turned to her and yelled, "No! You, and I, and HIM are going to figure this fucking shit out right fucking now!" She repeated her pleas that it "was already over..."
I got back into the car and we drove home while she sobbed to herself.
At some point he could no longer deny the fact that MOW was "busy" with other men. She entered his office to inform him she would be going on a weekend trip with one of my H male employees (also M).
My WH ended it with her after work that day. That evening she was standing at my front door. Tossed his ass right under the bus then backed up over him!
She arrived at work the next day apologizing and "hoping that she didn't cause any problems"
She was obviously done with my WH. He took off the rose colored glasses and hated what he saw (in himself and MOW) and he was done with her. Obviously there was no stalking by either.
6 months later we moved thousands of miles away!
[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 11:20 AM, July 26th (Saturday)]
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
I walked in on them on a Wednesday. I spent most of Thursday curled in a fetal position, crying. Thursday night we went for a three hour drive -- out of earshot of the kids -- and I gave him 24 hrs to decide if he was going to leave the house or break off the A. He called her on Friday morning, then also met with her in her car at lunch to tell her it was over. They planned to have one last big emotional good-bye f*ck fest on Saturday night -- having me know about it and suffer emotionally was apparently a turn on for her -- but when I ended up in the hospital Saturday morning with a panic attack, he reconsidered and cancelled. Instead, he went again to meet her in her car in a local park on Saturday afternoon, where they made out and cried at each other. I saw a text from her that night indicating that she waited all night in the hotel for him, just in case he changed his mind.
Unbeknownst to me, he left her with alot of ambiguity, telling her, for instance, that he would find her again when he was 70 and that he would always love her. As a result, she did NOT respect NC in any way. After 3 more weeks, he sent her an actual NC letter, telling her it was over, that he was recommitting to the marriage and that he did NOT want ANY contact. She seemed to think of this as a letter written by a hostage at this insistence of his captor, and disregarded it.
Contact dragged on for many weeks. She confronted him in our church parking lot, sent him texts, email and phone messages, and emailed me with graphic details about the affair. WH was great about not responding. He changed all of his #s, blocked her on all his accounts, and became unreachable. I, in my grief-induced psychosis, kept hitting back and getting re-injured. Stupid, stupid, stupid!
Finally, almost exactly two months after DDay, she staged a drama in our driveway, stalking WH until he put our kids on the bus, blocking him in the driveway with her car, reaching through his car window to caress him (and preventing him from moving the car lest he run her over. Wish he had.) and finally handing him a good-bye letter. The incident was witnessed by both my neighbor and my teenaged son, who was home sick that day. The next day, WH had his lawyer send her a cease and desist letter, and he has not heard from her since.
Great story, huh?
"The most expensive thing in th world is TRUST, it takes years to earn and just a matter of seconds to lose"