The next morning ( we were out of town on DD), he said that he wanted to go home and was I going with him because he wanted to repair our marriage.
I told him that I didn't, and wasn't interested in having three people in our marriage and I would stay out of town for as long as it took. Possibly forever.
He went for a walk, talked to her for close to an hour. I have no idea what he said, however, she continued to call him for months to " just check in". Clearly he didn't want her to sue him, as he was her boss. Finally, he just told her Crestfallen won and you, Horseface, lost! And told her to fuck off. It's been NC , I believe , for a long time.
[This message edited by Deanna at 8:10 PM, July 26th (Saturday)]
Sadflower, your H's OW kept repeating, "What am I going to do?" when your H broke it off?
If the e-mails are any indication of their extensive phone conversations, she was full of anger, insecurity, and neediness. You would never guess it, though. She has an administrative job at a university with lots of responsibility. She has won awards from the university and from the local Chamber of Commerce. Everyone thinks she is so competent and in control and wonderful. Sort of a Superwoman. Having read her e-mails to FWH, I know better.
D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA
He panicked, said the gig was up to her (I think he said, "we are going off the cliff". . . ) he hung up with her, deleted all their emails and the account, and called me on the phone and confessed to me. . . .while I was driving! Yeah. He then asked if he should come home.
He called her on the way home, expressed that it would be the last time they talked.. . . kind of a goodbye call. He maintains that all along she knew that he wasn't willing to leave me/us. Once he came home and we talked, he followed it up with an email, which I read, which said basically, Don't contact me, I will be focusing on fixing things with my family. She followed up with an email saying "ok, but what did you tell her so I know what to tell OP," to which he basically replied "that we've been having an affair since April." (She had expressed earlier to him that they might be able to tell a partial truth.)
Anyway, she tried to pass on some more guilt-inducing stuff through an email from mutual friend to my husband a few days later, and I replied to the AP directly on that one. I said that all communication should come through me. We've had to communicate a couple of times since then, once about her lurking on his linkedin page, but I did it. . .and copied her husband.
My H's AP can't support herself, so I think she is behaving due mainly to that. Also, she has been chucked under the bus a couple of times, so hopefully she'll retain that memory for a long, long, LONG while.
[This message edited by bionicgal at 7:34 PM, July 27th (Sunday)]
I edit, therefore I am.
Worst week of my life, without a doubt. I didn't want to go home after work because it wasn't my safe place anymore. I didn't want to go to work because I couldn't function. I couldn't eat or sleep and WH just kept dragging his feet, wanting to let OW down easy.
I demanded a clear statement of ending the affair followed by complete NC. But then he had to think about how to do it... but then OW was in the hospital (or at least that's what WH was told)... but then blah blah blah until I said that clearly he was having a hard time making up his mind and that I wasn't going to live like this.
So six days after D Day I came home late from work after sitting sobbing in my car outside the house for several minutes. I found WH sitting in a chair in the living room, lit by a single light, still in his work clothes. I had no idea why.
He'd been on the phone with OW for nearly an hour. He told me he ended it with her over the phone. To this day I wish he'd done it over speakerphone with me listening. I have no idea what he told her.
I saw OW's angry texts the next day when WH finalized their "breakup". It was her birthday. WH knew it was sometime around then but had forgotten the exact date.
She then sent me an angry email addressed to him that was all her bragging about the A, including details WH had not revealed.
As far as I can tell NC has been broken once by OW.
To be fair, the A was winding down. The AP didn't get the payoff she wanted at the holidays and was upset; he had told her he would contact her in the spring when he had better excuses to go to our cottage for "chores".
We had a few weird, lame so-called "polls" on the phone and I took those calls. I'm sure that if I hadn't caught him, the A would have continued sporadically because, as he said, she was "good for a jump" and he has no character.
I moved back 1/2/11 and made him text a NC, told her no need to reply as she was being blocked from everything of FWSOs.
I honestly was not sure, had my doubts and was on high alert for months. I finally knew it was real NC when she apparently tried to get me on FB. I didn't know about the "Others" section of messages. I happen to find in about 6 months later and found 2 ranting(probably drunk) messages about how I was fat, ugly, and a bitch. The next one was all about what horrid people we were for blocking her that was when I knew it was true NC.
It was apparent that she had done tons of reading since the break-up - both about how to survive the end of an A, and on psychopaths. How could she not know that total NC was the right thing for both she and my H? After all, they were both married (she - for 31 years!!).
I honestly don't understand the mindset of these people. The relationship she had with my H was unhealthy, not only because both he and she were married, but because of all the lies needed to maintain it. In her case, she would have been content to have my H continue to see her "whenever he could" even after Dday. To me, that shows a complete lack of conscience, respect, and moral fiber. And she says my H is the psychopath???
This is yet one more thing I am trying so hard to wrap my head around!
the day after dday. a phone call on speaker with me in the room. I had already outed her to her H, who was in denial. it's almost comical now, but not really..
mr: unfound knows everything. It's over. Don't contact me anymore.
ow: *sing songy voice* what are you talking about? we're just friends!
mr: I told her everything.
ow: would it help if I talked to her and explained that we're just friends?
(me: SERIOUSLY???? *flames coming out of my ears, walking over, screaming some expletives I can't remember* )
mr: you're on speaker
ow: *pathetic attempt at anger/hurt* she's putting my marriage in jeopardy! I don't know why you're doing this to me *sniff sniff*
(me: head exploding, grasping for phone like a crack head grasping for a dropped pipe)
mr: it's over. *click*
cue off and on attempts at contact for about 2 years.
Recently, however, as he's been de-fogging and she's still searching for something (she's had another A--EA or PA, he doesn't know which), she's invited him to lunch with a work group while out-of-town on business (several companies get together quarterly on certain project update committees). He declined. A couple months ago, she called him to see which airport (of the 3 available in the metro area) she should fly into for a business meeting at his workplace. He was noncommittal, got off the call quickly, blocked that number (her cell phone had already been blocked), cancelled his attendance at the conference, and told me as soon as I walked in the house (I don't answer the phone at work, so he'd have to text and didn't want to text that). So . . .
He wrote her an NC letter a year ago, but he was the one who kept violating it, so I haven't requested another one. Because of his prior behavior, it wouldn't mean anything and it would have him initiating contact. Also, I think his absence at the conference spoke volumes. If she is clueless (which I actually don't think she is), she'll stop. If she doesn't, it's my turn to take control.
[This message edited by RippedSoul at 8:06 PM, July 28th (Monday)]
What I wanted to contribute was my perspective. When a WS chooses to take the A underground, let the AP down easy or have a "one-last-shagfest" IME it's just the toppings on the sh!t sunday that is infidelity.
To me, the real hurt came from realizing this truly wasn't a "simple mistake". That the slippery slope wasn't fast and sudden, but my husband had deliberately made choice after choice that hurt me. When confronted with the visual of my crippling pain, he still chose the OW and himself over me.
Like TT, it's actions like that after the A that are really hardest to work through. At least IME. Keep in mind it might be because I'm in limbo with someone who has changed, but not participated in R. So as far as I'm concerned he's a "dry drunk" until he faces his issues and actions more fully. So I fully acknowledge that it might be different for those of you in true R.
Someday your H will wake up from this dream-world he is living in and I hope that, at that time, you are happy, happy, happy without him.
We talked for the first time in months. Both cried, and admitted we still loved one another. He called me the next morning and asked if he could take me to breakfast, where there was more crying and more confessions of feelings and regret.
He text me after we parted and asked if there was ever any chance for us, and I said maybe one day, far far in the future ("like, if I am ever an elderly woman with no one to take care of me, I might let you wipe my ass" was what I was thinking).
He then went away for the weekend with OW, her family and friend. He kept calling me and leaving messages and proclamations of love the whole time.
On Sunday, I finally answered. He told me again how much he still loved me and how sorry he was for everything he had done, he'd never forgive himself, what a mistake it was, etc. I asked "Whaere's (OW) when you're talking to me like this?" and he told me she was sitting there at the table with him (another "FWB" scenario).
I heard muffled wailing in the background, which then faded away. I asked who it was, and he told me it was OW being led to the bathroom by her friends (after hearing the conversation we were having, and her friends were very pissed at FWH). I told him to go comfort her and leave me alone, then I hung up. I could tell he had been drinking and I actually felt sorry for OW, who obviously felt more than the "FWB" she was claiming to be, and I was disgusted.
He dumped OW when they got back into town that night, telling her that he "had to try to work things out with Want2help". She maintained that I wouldn't take him back, etc., cried, asked why he hadn't told her sooner (I'm 99.9% sure she already knew she was pregnant at this point), then she packed up and fled to her friend's house, and he began walking towards home (I had both of our vehicles at our house).
Did my FWH have sex with her that weekend? He has maintained that he did not, but I sincerely do not believe him. She has since posted online dozens and dozens (maybe a hundred) pictures of that weekend, and he was ripping drunk the entire time. Now, at 7 years out, I don't know if I even want to know the truth.
She then began YEARS of harassing ME. Only twice ever trying to contact FWH (once to tell him she was pregnant, once to invite him to a party she was throwing for my stepD, which was never received by him).
He has never broken NC, and has been an exemplary model of a remorseful FWS.