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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Why is HE angry?
Firstlovelost7
♀ New Member
Member # 44076
Angry  Posted: 9:59 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I maintained the no contact for a month...and I caved a bit. Partially because I found out the OW was playing the victim card and trying to say I was involved in harassing her (which was actually people in their workplace and my husbands family, NOT me). I confronted my husband and said I was not involved and so forth and he backed down pretty fast.
I couldn't help myself but determine why he had a 6 month affair with this woman while I was pregnant and then gave birth to our daughter. His only response was he was unhappy... And fell out of love... I asked when exactly and he couldn't say. He kept saying "for a while". I said was that before you cried while I walked down the isle or before I told you I was pregnant and you were jumping for joy. And he still couldn't answer. He was very monotone on the phone and honestly sounded almost angry with ME! I said I don't believe for a second you fell out of love and he couldn't respond. His family has made it clear that this OW is NOT ever welcome to him and his brothers confronted her and him as well and he still believes in his mind that everyone will come around and welcome her. He said "it's only been one month and will take time?". The only part clarity I got was when I asked "did you not want a wife and baby" and his response was "not right now". I still believe my pregnancy scared him. I told him he changed and he agreed and said he has and that he wants something different. I said he hasn't even apologized for his actions and all he said bluntly was "I'm sorry I hurt you." He then said blunt and in no emotion "our marriage is over." He honestly sounded annoyed and heartless.
My questions:
Are these typical responses of WH in the fog?
Are they always ambivalent about their answers?
Are they really mad at their wife or is it a defence response?
In this context, do any of you believe he will still wake up and realize what he threw away?
Do any of you believe he is still confused with what he wants?
What hold does the OW have over my WH?

I do not believe he can not be thinking of the damage he has done and the great years we had and our child. How can he be so callous right now?


Me - 27 BS
Him - 27 WS (EA/PA while I was pregnant)
DDAY - June 12, 2014
One daughter -born March 12, 2014 (during his affair rendezvous before I knew about it)

~ Legally separated, proceeding towards divorce, 180 initiated


Posts: 31 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Saskatchewan
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His only response was he was unhappy... And fell out of love... I asked when exactly and he couldn't say. He kept saying "for a while".

I said was that before you cried while I walked down the isle or before I told you I was pregnant and you were jumping for joy.

And he still couldn't answer. He was very monotone on the phone and honestly sounded almost angry with ME! I said I don't believe for a second you fell out of love and he couldn't respond

His responses and reactions seem to be taken right out of the affair handbook. It seems that people having affairs often all respond in a very typical manner when caught.

The wayward spouse almost always seems to need to blameshift.

Claiming he fell out of love with you is a way to place blame on you because obviously in his mind it is your fault he fell out of love with you.

Also claiming he was in love is a way to make him feel less sleazy about the affair.

This tune is normal after dday, but it should change after about six months at the very latest, if not way sooner.

If it does not, this needs to be discussed in MC.

It is not your fault in anyway that he was too immature to cope with pending father hood.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1127 | Registered: May 2014
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes - it's normal, sadly. He needs you to be the bad guy. If you aren't, then he is. He's mad that you exist because YOU are proof that he's a shit. You represent the decent person that he is supposed to be, and he wants to be the single player with his girlfriend and no responsibilities. He doesn't like the guilt he feels, and that, of course, is your fault.

A WS in a fog is like talking to a teenager. Nothing is their fault, and everyone else is why things aren't just fantastic. It's pointless to try to make sense of what he says.

Are you hoping he comes around, or are you done with him after all of this?


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My hubby did the same monotone, monosyllable response thing. Only he said, "I don't know" to every question. My impression is that he just shut down and shut me out because he couldn't face my pain. He just couldn't face what he had done.

As for the anger, I would say that he's mad at himself for being an idiot, but he's sticking by his stupid decision in staying with the OW. Just wait until they break up, then it will all be her fault. He'll still be the victim.


(Cross posted with PainfulPast who put it all much better)

[This message edited by Gemini71 at 10:19 AM, July 25th (Friday)]


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1750 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Firstlovelost7
♀ New Member
Member # 44076
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you hoping he comes around, or are you done with him after all of this?

@ painfulpast: I am not sure what I want yet to be honest. And his response on the phone made me believe it will be a while before he comes out of it. He hasn't seen her faults yet. Apparently, this OW he is with is a needy skank. Everyone in his workplace at the mine has stated point blank she gets around. And my husband does not believe it or anyone who tells him.


Me - 27 BS
Him - 27 WS (EA/PA while I was pregnant)
DDAY - June 12, 2014
One daughter -born March 12, 2014 (during his affair rendezvous before I knew about it)

~ Legally separated, proceeding towards divorce, 180 initiated


Posts: 31 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Saskatchewan
Lucky2HaveMe
♀ Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He hasn't seen her faults yet

It's not her faults he needs to see, it's his own. Until/unless he is willing to take a good, long, hard look at himself, his behavior won't change.

Start thinking of what you need if you decide to try to R. Don't let him come crawling back with just an *I'm sorry* - make him show you.


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 6368 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What hold does the OW have over my WH?

Fantasyland. No bills, no baby on the way, all unicorns and rainbows.

I'm so very sorry, Firstlovelost. (((HUGS))) - he must be very broken to chicken out on his responsibilities and a new baby. What he fails to realize is it will cost him more - emotionally and financially - if you and he D. He is very foggy.

Have you filed? If not, perhaps this would put a clearer perspective of things for him? Child support, visitation schedule, etc...he can't hide forever.


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/15(DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5058 | Registered: May 2007
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He hasn't seen her faults yet.

It's not about seeing her faults, because it's not about her. He sees her for exactly what she is - a woman that sleeps with a man married to a pregnant wife. She's trash, and that's a given. He knows that. His cheating has nothing to do with her in any way. He is seeking escape, and she's more than willing to provide it. Please don't think this is about her - it's not, at all.

Apparently, this OW he is with is a needy skank

Shocking

They all are. If they weren't, they wouldn't sleep with married men. They would have enough self respect to not beg for attention from someone that, for a mentally stable woman, is completely off limits. After all, what mentally stable woman would want to be with the kind of man that cheats on a pregnant wife?

I have a feeling that when your WH climbs out of the fog, you're going to be well on your way to a new life - his loss completely.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you filed? If not, perhaps this would put a clearer perspective of things for him? Child support, visitation schedule, etc...he can't hide forever.

Lalagirl said it! Make him see this is reality. This is his life now - and you are moving on.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Firstlovelost7
♀ New Member
Member # 44076
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In this situation, do any of you believe with the amount of fog he is in that one day there would be a chance for R?
Have any of you seen the day when your WS comes "back" so to speak?


Me - 27 BS
Him - 27 WS (EA/PA while I was pregnant)
DDAY - June 12, 2014
One daughter -born March 12, 2014 (during his affair rendezvous before I knew about it)

~ Legally separated, proceeding towards divorce, 180 initiated


Posts: 31 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Saskatchewan
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. But sweetie, he would have to really defog, and get some serious IC. There is nothing you can do to win/nice him back, or fix him. That's on him and a professional. THEN, if he does the hard work, it is possible.

But how will you feel with this memory down the road should you go this route? Just something to ponder.


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/15(DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5058 | Registered: May 2007
Charity411
♀ Member
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are times when there are just no answers. It can make you crazy trying to figure out answers that aren't there. And sometimes even if you get answers it doesn't change a thing. You can't control what someone else does or feels. You can only control your own situation, even if that situation sucks at the moment.

Your situation sounds a lot like mine was. He just decided he didn't love me anymore. Memories, good times and having a child didn't matter. His family's opinion didn't either. He wanted what he wanted. He claimed he never saw me the same way after giving birth to our daughter. But she had three kids. Go figure. And even with that answer, what difference did knowing that really make. I wasn't going to give our child away. And I certainly wasn't about to regret having her just because he left. It wouldn't be fair to her. Everyone thought he'd wake up too. He's been married to her for 20 years. So I guess not.

So what I learned was I had to spend less energy on the whys and what ifs and more time on the what do I do going forward because that was what I could control. It doesn't mean you are deciding to give up on your marriage. At the moment, through no fault of your own, it isn't yours to give up. He's taken that choice away from you. He may wake up. And if he does, that's great. But in the meantime you have a life to live and another precious life to take care of. And though it's very hard, and you can't see it now, figuring out what to do next is less draining than trying to figure out what you did or didn't do before or what he thinks or doesn't think.


Posts: 330 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh God yes. They wake up months later, want to come home, can't believe what they've done, etc.

Don't wait for this. It may not happen. I'm sorry - that hurts, I know, but don't. The statistics show that very few relationships that start as As don't work, and for those that do result in marriage, most divorce very soon. It's all fantasy, so it usually doesn't work. However, there are those times when the fantasy goes away because it has to, and the two people click, and stay together. Just look at Brad and Angelina. That started as an A, and here we are, a decade or so later and they're still at it. Sometimes, these things do last.

You need to go on what you know, not what you hope. What you know is he is saying the M is over. Go with that.

I will say this -if you want him to wake up, I suggest shoving him hard towards OW. Sounds weird, right? Make his fantasy his reality. Show him, fast, what his world is going to be like. Right now, it's him and her against everyone. His family is defending you. It feels great to you I'm sure, but to him? To him he needs to protect poor OW from his mean family. He needs to reassure her how much he cares. It's all giving him a perfect platform to stay in fantasyland.

Shove him towards her. Ask his family to stop berating him. File for divorce. Give him exactly what he wants. Take away the bubble of "us vs. them" for him and OW. Force it to be 'just life'. Then he'll see exactly what is gone. If he's going to do an about face, he needs to get out of the fantasy. Right now he's being given every opportunity to stay in it.

Right now he wishes more than anything that he could just get on with his life with OW, but the mean old world is making that so hard. So make it easy. Give him his wish. But remember the old saying: Be careful what you wish for - you just might get it.

To get him to wake up, you have to get him out of the fantasy. To do that, you have to take away the fantasy playground where he's defending his 'soulmate'. Then he'll be just some guy with child support, a decent soon to be ex wife, and a girlfriend everyone knows is a whore. Think he'll be happy? Doubt it.



The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Charity411
♀ Member
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PainfulPast is exactly right. It seems counterproductive. But what have you got to lose? I would start by sitting down with a lawyer and putting together a framework of what you expect for child support and/or spousal support. That's ususally a wake up call. Sometimes the OW realizes she's not getting the extra paycheck she thought she was getting and moves on.

Posts: 330 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great post, painfulpast! Great idea..good old reverse psychology!


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/15(DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5058 | Registered: May 2007
Firstlovelost7
♀ New Member
Member # 44076
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@painfulpast

Thanks for the great advice! This really helps.

you have to take away the fantasy playground where he's defending his 'soulmate'.

By showing him reality is that how I specifically take away the fantasyland he is in?

I've been taking some control stating when I will be gone this summer with our daughter (she's still breastfeeding) and when I can have him visit her before and after I go. He wouldn't even reply to me when I sent him this msg. I think he is "mad" because I was choosing when he could see her.

Also, filing, seeing a lawyer, getting child support in place, does this typically "wake them?"


Me - 27 BS
Him - 27 WS (EA/PA while I was pregnant)
DDAY - June 12, 2014
One daughter -born March 12, 2014 (during his affair rendezvous before I knew about it)

~ Legally separated, proceeding towards divorce, 180 initiated


Posts: 31 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Saskatchewan
Firstlovelost7
♀ New Member
Member # 44076
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another question for all you out there....
What usually makes the OW decide to leave or move on?


Me - 27 BS
Him - 27 WS (EA/PA while I was pregnant)
DDAY - June 12, 2014
One daughter -born March 12, 2014 (during his affair rendezvous before I knew about it)

~ Legally separated, proceeding towards divorce, 180 initiated


Posts: 31 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Saskatchewan
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, filing, seeing a lawyer, getting child support in place, does this typically "wake them?"

It doesn't hurt. He needs to see what life will be when the dust settles. What will he be left with? Some trashy leftover whore, visitation, a family that thinks he's low but he is what he is, etc.

Behave as if it's over, and move on that. Again, ask his family to stop. Tell them why if you want, but ask them to just 'accept' that this is what he wants. They don't need to be her friend, but then need to stop talking about her. He can have no reason to defend her, at all.

I'd do what Charity411 said - get a lawyer. Have him served with divorce papers, quickly. When he responds, be unemotional. ALWAYS be unemotional. Behave as if your relationship is now a business deal - when is visitation, how much is support, etc. There is no emotion in it.

As far as what makes OW move on - who cares? Do you really want him back because she dumps him? No, you don't, at all. You are far better than some used up trash's left overs. You don't want to wonder if he would have come back if she hadn't dumped him. You don't want him secretly wishing she'd never left him. You want to KNOW he chose you and your family.

Don't worry about her, not one bit. She's just an outlet for his temper tantrum.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Firstlovelost:

My wayward woke up when I threw bags with his clothing out on the lawn and changed the locks and filed.

Sometimes this wakes them up, sometimes not.

But your wayward has already stated that he wants to be with the OW.

Sometimes after living with the OW they want to come back home, but this can take up to two years for the honeymoon phase to wear off.

But as others have said you will likely be looooong gone by then and happier for it.

Please see an attorney, ASAP.


It's not about seeing her faults, because it's not about her. He sees her for exactly what she is - a woman that sleeps with a man married to a pregnant wife. She's trash, and that's a given. He knows that. His cheating has nothing to do with her in any way. He is seeking escape, and she's more than willing to provide it. Please don't think this is about her - it's not, at all.

firstlovelost:

I agree with the above words. It's not about the affair partners faults. They are both at fault. He needs to face who he is.

Too many Affair partners try to blame the OM or OW for seducing them into an affair, but they chose to be seduced.

Only an idiot can be forced to do something they don't want to unless they are held at gunpoint.

If he does want to come back, Don't let him blame the affair partner. Be sure he gets counseling so he realized that he was just as much to blame for his behavior as was the affair partners.

If he is blaming his affair partner only, then he is giving himself a pass for his sleazy behaviors.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1127 | Registered: May 2014
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is angry because he may have glimpses of his major screw up in his little mind. He cannot blame himself so he blames you. His little fantasy life with the OW has been brought down to earth and he is facing some decisions he does not want to make. Even though it appears for now he has made his choice, the one who has his ear right now is the OW. Eventually the love, also known as hot, messy lust, will cool and his brain will take over thinking from his dick. You can choose to wait, or, move on. Some of us here would say move on because he has shown you who he is and you deserve better than a cheater.

How did this happen? More than likely he mentioned to the wrong person, the OW, that he has a little trepidation concerning the responsibilities of being married and being a father. She replied back to him some type of affirmation, he took the conversation on, and she understood him like no other before her. She reflected back to him that he was wonderful and deserved everything he wanted, her and freedom. Trust me. He is not in love with her. He is in love with himself and what he thinks and wants her to be. So far she is being that person for him and she is happy with that, but that will not last either. Sooner or later her true self and intentions will rise and your H's A world will crash.

In the mean time, keep yourself and sweet baby healthy. Use his family to help you. That will drive the OW nuts.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1469 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
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