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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Why is HE angry?
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone in his workplace at the mine has stated point blank she gets around. And my husband does not believe it or anyone who tells him.

This is also pretty typical. My husband thought the first OW was this innocent little flower despite the fact that she'd had a miscarriage from having unprotected sex with one of his coworkers right before he arrived on deployment. She had only been there a couple months.

He was so shocked when I had an abnormal pap and it was positive for high risk HPV. Even more shocked when he began developing genital warts. He acted like this girl was a virgin and couldn't understand how he got an STD from her when she just wasn't "that kind of girl". We got married right out of high school, how the hell else could he have gotten it? Idiot!

What was really funny was when a coworker of his decided to tell him about all the different guys she slept with before he got there in front of me (not knowing he'd been sleeping with her). He later said "If I had known that, I wouldn't have slept with her." I said "Really? So you only slept with her because you thought she was innocent. Because that's a great excuse for a married man to cheat on his wife. That makes me feel so much better. Good to know that the one thing that would have kept you faithful was finding out she was a slut, not the fact that you were married in the first place."

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 1:19 PM, July 25th (Friday)]


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4144 | Registered: Sep 2005
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He later said "If I had known that, I wouldn't have slept with her." I said "Really? So you only slept with her because you thought she was innocent. Because that's a great excuse for a married man to cheat on his wife. That makes me feel so much better. Good to know that the one thing that would have kept you faithful was finding out she was a slut, not the fact that you were married in the first place."

Brilliant.

It's really amazing the stupid things they say, isn't it?


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Firstlovelost7
♀ Member
Member # 44076
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you think he actually means it when he says our marriage is over?
Or do you think this is another tactic to justify his affair?
Anyone experience this? and still reconcile?


Me - 27 BS
Him - 27 WS (EA/PA while I was pregnant)
DDAY - June 12, 2014
One daughter -born March 12, 2014 (during his affair rendezvous before I knew about it)

~ Legally separated, proceeding towards divorce, 180 initiated


Posts: 55 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Saskatchewan
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes i think he means it, and yes it's a move to justify his affair.

He believes the crap he's spewing. He won't realize how messed up it all was until the fog is gone. He thinks every word he says is true.

You need to believe what he says, because it might be true. If you wait to see if he's one of the many that turn around, you might wait a long time, and for some reason these WSs can sense when a BS is waiting.

DO NOT WAIT - BELIEVE HIM

It's hard, I know, and I know you want one of us to tell you exactly what will happen. No one knows. I'm so, so sorry. We don't. We can share our experiences and, based on the collective give our opinions. We can support you, be here when you need someone, but we can't tell the future.

One thing is true - you need to worry about YOU right now, not him, and definitely not her. He's already thinking about himself, so he's covered. You take care of YOU.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Lucky2HaveMe
♀ Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What usually makes the OW decide to leave or move on?

Take your focus off the OW. HIS A is not about her at all. It is about HIM. This OW could move on and if he hasn't done the hard work on himself, another OW opportunity will present itself and this merry-go-round will continue at warp speed.

Give him what he wants. File for D. IF he comes crawling back, have your requirements for R - complete with consequences should he fail - at the ready.

Your WH is already checked out of the M. Let him go. This is not the M you want nor deserve. It's not unheard of for a WS to finally WAKE UP, but you need to rip the covers off him.

[This message edited by Lucky2HaveMe at 8:30 AM, July 26th (Saturday)]


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 6550 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As for the anger, I would say that he's mad at himself for being an idiot, but he's sticking by his stupid decision in staying with the OW. Just wait until they break up, then it will all be her fault. He'll still be the victim.

Gemini is so right on. If he does come back to you, do not let him play the victim card. You might be tempted to let him spew venom about the OW due to your own disgust for her...but do not let him get away with that. After all---he chose her. He wanted her. He will try to say she tricked him. Don't buy it. He needs to own up to his shit.

It isn't about her. She just happens to be the easy cheap tramp that gives him what he wants. Undivided attention. He isn't getting it anymore with a baby in the picture. It is so disgusting how selfish and weak all these WS are that go out and have affairs right after a child is born or their wives are pregnant. They truly are jealous of their own children! These men are selfish, narcissistic, egotistical, and weak. It is all about their instant gratification. If you look back on your M, you will realize that you were always a giver. He was a taker. Most likely acted like an overgrown child. He got all his self worth from you. You were responsible for his happiness. It is not always about them trying to avoid responsibility (though that is a small part of it). In the end it always comes down to their sense of entitlement for undivided attention. Which makes them happy, which makes them feel good, which makes them go against their integrity and moral values and despise anyone that gets in their way (you).

Do not blame yourself....you just married a broken man with issues. This is all his fault. Even if there were issues in the M. He is an adult...not a child. He had horrible coping skills. You deserve a partner in life, not another child to make sure they get your attention or they just might go elsewhere.

[This message edited by hopefulmother at 11:18 AM, July 26th (Saturday)]


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Firstlovelost7
♀ Member
Member # 44076
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From experience, are most of these WH who leave for the OW too proud to men things when they wake up?
And continue life running?


Me - 27 BS
Him - 27 WS (EA/PA while I was pregnant)
DDAY - June 12, 2014
One daughter -born March 12, 2014 (during his affair rendezvous before I knew about it)

~ Legally separated, proceeding towards divorce, 180 initiated


Posts: 55 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Saskatchewan
Charity411
♀ Member
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think there is anything proud about a man who leaves his kids and/or pregnant wife for a mistress. Ignorant yes. Proud no. Every situation is different. Some come back and some don't. But pride went out the door quite a while ago, like when they started sleeping with someone else in the first place.

You are in such a tough spot. It has to be incredibly frightening to be going through this while pregnant. I think you hit the nail on the head with the term "life running". Do you really want to spend you life with someone who runs when the going gets tough? What do you find appealing about this person you see in front of you? Maybe if you think about that it will help you detach a little easier.


Posts: 385 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
hopefulmom44
♀ Member
Member # 44136
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It appears that you really want him to come back to you and you are willing to wait for his 'fog' to go away.I am making this assumption based on all the questions you are asking after everyone's posts. I have to agree with all the posts. Be strong, show him that you can make it on your own. It is not healthy for you and your baby to focus on the mess that you are surrounded with. You might need to be selfish and self centered in order to shift your focus to yourself. Please keep posting and work on the the 180 (healing library). Sending hugs your way.

Posts: 102 | Registered: Jul 2014
Firstlovelost7
♀ Member
Member # 44076
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Took the next step!!
Went to a lawyer and drafted up separation, child support and custody....
Time to control the things that I can!


Me - 27 BS
Him - 27 WS (EA/PA while I was pregnant)
DDAY - June 12, 2014
One daughter -born March 12, 2014 (during his affair rendezvous before I knew about it)

~ Legally separated, proceeding towards divorce, 180 initiated


Posts: 55 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Saskatchewan
MadOldBat
♀ Member
Member # 44146
What?  Posted: 5:53 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you!


Trying to keep my chin(s) up

Posts: 104 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: United Kingdom
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so proud of you!!!!

I know that was so hard, but at the same time, don't you feel a little more in control? Not in a vindictive way...in a way that shows you are taking care of you and yours.

Big hugs...you did great!


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. and 2 mo. GD (DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5076 | Registered: May 2007
bravegirl19
♀ New Member
Member # 43539
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, having read this entire thread I can't believe how similar our stories are and how much these replies have also helped me!

FirstLove, good for you for being proactive on what is best for you and your baby. Even though you don't know what the future holds, you clearly are being thoughtful and doing the best you can...my goodness isn't that all we can ask of ourselves when faced with this hellish situation?!

Such great advice on all of the replies, thank you everyone for sharing your experience and two cents.


Me (BS) – 36
WS – 35
Dday – 5/25/14
Together since 2003, married 6 1/2 years
EA and PA with COW for at least 3 months WHILE I WAS PREGNANT (still don’t know the truth of the length of this affair or possibly others)
He doesn’t want to be married

Posts: 48 | Registered: May 2014
Topic Posts: 33
Pages: 1 · 2

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