Everyone in his workplace at the mine has stated point blank she gets around. And my husband does not believe it or anyone who tells him.
This is also pretty typical. My husband thought the first OW was this innocent little flower despite the fact that she'd had a miscarriage from having unprotected sex with one of his coworkers right before he arrived on deployment. She had only been there a couple months.
He was so shocked when I had an abnormal pap and it was positive for high risk HPV. Even more shocked when he began developing genital warts. He acted like this girl was a virgin and couldn't understand how he got an STD from her when she just wasn't "that kind of girl". We got married right out of high school, how the hell else could he have gotten it? Idiot!
What was really funny was when a coworker of his decided to tell him about all the different guys she slept with before he got there in front of me (not knowing he'd been sleeping with her). He later said "If I had known that, I wouldn't have slept with her." I said "Really? So you only slept with her because you thought she was innocent. Because that's a great excuse for a married man to cheat on his wife. That makes me feel so much better. Good to know that the one thing that would have kept you faithful was finding out she was a slut, not the fact that you were married in the first place."
[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 1:19 PM, July 25th (Friday)]
He later said "If I had known that, I wouldn't have slept with her." I said "Really? So you only slept with her because you thought she was innocent. Because that's a great excuse for a married man to cheat on his wife. That makes me feel so much better. Good to know that the one thing that would have kept you faithful was finding out she was a slut, not the fact that you were married in the first place."
It's really amazing the stupid things they say, isn't it?
~ Legally separated, proceeding towards divorce, 180 initiated
He believes the crap he's spewing. He won't realize how messed up it all was until the fog is gone. He thinks every word he says is true.
You need to believe what he says, because it might be true. If you wait to see if he's one of the many that turn around, you might wait a long time, and for some reason these WSs can sense when a BS is waiting.
DO NOT WAIT - BELIEVE HIM
It's hard, I know, and I know you want one of us to tell you exactly what will happen. No one knows. I'm so, so sorry. We don't. We can share our experiences and, based on the collective give our opinions. We can support you, be here when you need someone, but we can't tell the future.
One thing is true - you need to worry about YOU right now, not him, and definitely not her. He's already thinking about himself, so he's covered. You take care of YOU.
What usually makes the OW decide to leave or move on?
Take your focus off the OW. HIS A is not about her at all. It is about HIM. This OW could move on and if he hasn't done the hard work on himself, another OW opportunity will present itself and this merry-go-round will continue at warp speed.
Give him what he wants. File for D. IF he comes crawling back, have your requirements for R - complete with consequences should he fail - at the ready.
Your WH is already checked out of the M. Let him go. This is not the M you want nor deserve. It's not unheard of for a WS to finally WAKE UP, but you need to rip the covers off him.
[This message edited by Lucky2HaveMe at 8:30 AM, July 26th (Saturday)]
As for the anger, I would say that he's mad at himself for being an idiot, but he's sticking by his stupid decision in staying with the OW. Just wait until they break up, then it will all be her fault. He'll still be the victim.
It isn't about her. She just happens to be the easy cheap tramp that gives him what he wants. Undivided attention. He isn't getting it anymore with a baby in the picture. It is so disgusting how selfish and weak all these WS are that go out and have affairs right after a child is born or their wives are pregnant. They truly are jealous of their own children! These men are selfish, narcissistic, egotistical, and weak. It is all about their instant gratification. If you look back on your M, you will realize that you were always a giver. He was a taker. Most likely acted like an overgrown child. He got all his self worth from you. You were responsible for his happiness. It is not always about them trying to avoid responsibility (though that is a small part of it). In the end it always comes down to their sense of entitlement for undivided attention. Which makes them happy, which makes them feel good, which makes them go against their integrity and moral values and despise anyone that gets in their way (you).
Do not blame yourself....you just married a broken man with issues. This is all his fault. Even if there were issues in the M. He is an adult...not a child. He had horrible coping skills. You deserve a partner in life, not another child to make sure they get your attention or they just might go elsewhere.
[This message edited by hopefulmother at 11:18 AM, July 26th (Saturday)]
You are in such a tough spot. It has to be incredibly frightening to be going through this while pregnant. I think you hit the nail on the head with the term "life running". Do you really want to spend you life with someone who runs when the going gets tough? What do you find appealing about this person you see in front of you? Maybe if you think about that it will help you detach a little easier.
I know that was so hard, but at the same time, don't you feel a little more in control? Not in a vindictive way...in a way that shows you are taking care of you and yours.
Big hugs...you did great!
FirstLove, good for you for being proactive on what is best for you and your baby. Even though you don't know what the future holds, you clearly are being thoughtful and doing the best you can...my goodness isn't that all we can ask of ourselves when faced with this hellish situation?!
Such great advice on all of the replies, thank you everyone for sharing your experience and two cents.