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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Is it really better to disclose all?
tangledknot
♀ Member
Member # 43927
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell him in whatever way you can. I had to disclose a couple things to my BH, and I found it much easier to do over email while we are both at work. I know that is crappy and cowardly, and I should have the courage to tell him these things to his face, but at least it got done, right?

You can do it! It's the right thing to do. It's the first step to becoming a courageous person.


Posts: 176 | Registered: Jun 2014
sorrowfulmate
♂ Member
Member # 43441
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry Mod.

I was making a suggestion to OP.

I'll be good now.


Me-WS 50
Her-BS 50 Questioningall
5 kids
Dday 1 12/12
Dday 2 - 3/14 EAs, 2 ONS, 1 LTA
TT until 7/14 when I gave a timeline
"Good night, Sorrowful. Good work. Sleep well. I can always divorce you in the morning." Dread BW Roberts

Posts: 208 | Registered: May 2014
familyfirst
♀ Member
Member # 42651
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that it was a PA instead of an EA will make a huge difference. Doesn't mean you shouldn't tell, especially if the fact that things don't "add up" to your BS might be the reason he's suffering

I'm troubled that your IC says

She pointed out how much I'm making him suffer in deciding whether to continue with our marriage and if he knows this, it will probably stop the suffering and make his decision easy....

Is she really solely focused on him? Maybe does she worry this limbo and secret keeping is hard on you too? My IC told me some people need to confess, because the burden of carrying the secret is so stressful and it clouds their actions which makes the BS always on edge and untrustful.


Posts: 223 | Registered: Mar 2014
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I confessed my As. Didn't have to. Never would have been caught. My AP worked in IT. He knew every trick in the book to help me cover my steps. My husband had no idea.

Bottom line, I confessed. Because my husband was *supposed* to be an equal partner in our relationship, I knew how messed up I was, and he had a right to make informed choices about his life. Withholding any information (especially the fact its PA versus EA) is a huge deal. You are exposing him to disease and sickness. He needs to know so he can be tested.

Your secrets will kill you. From the inside out. You will always be looking over your shoulder.

And they always find a way of coming out.

You will never have a fully honest and authentic relationship with him. Because you will be holding the lies in. You will have walls up. That's not a marriage.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6290 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
StartingFreshNow
♀ Member
Member # 44224
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC counselor is very concerned about him which I do appreciate but she also has a history of a husband that had multiple PAs on her so she frequently brings herself into the story. It bothers me but at the same time I like it because it gives me a real good look at how my husband could be feeling or could feel in the future.


Me: WW
2 young kids
DDay - Dec 2013 (EA), TT
DDay 2 - Jul 28, 2014 (PA), TT
DDay 3 - end of Aug/beg of Sep 2014
(All the same A)

Posts: 315 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: USA
StartingFreshNow
♀ Member
Member # 44224
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess this must be the beginning of it eating at me, and you're all right - that part will only get worse over time until one day I realize I can't live with the secret and I have to tell him. And whether that's a year or 5 or 10 it will hurt him way worse than if he found out now. The only positive would be our children would have their family intact that much longer, but that's still not fair to my BH.


Me: WW
2 young kids
DDay - Dec 2013 (EA), TT
DDay 2 - Jul 28, 2014 (PA), TT
DDay 3 - end of Aug/beg of Sep 2014
(All the same A)

Posts: 315 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: USA
Imabrokenman
♂ Member
Member # 43886
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Starting -

Take a look back at this thread, and see how many people suggested that you hold back and not tell him.

Go ahead. I'll wait.

Huh.

Can all of us be so wrong? We are not wrong, and deep down you know it. We know from whence we speak.

I thought I had all my tracks covered as well. She found out anyway. And not from the other woman, who was the only person who knew the details.


Me: WH (49)
Her: BW (48)
DDay 1: June 9, 2014
DDay 2: June 23, 2014
Married: 19 Years
No children

Currently living apart, unsure of reconciliation. In IC.


Posts: 69 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Richmond, VA
StartingFreshNow
♀ Member
Member # 44224
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I know what I need to do....I really appreciate everyone's advice. I really do!


Me: WW
2 young kids
DDay - Dec 2013 (EA), TT
DDay 2 - Jul 28, 2014 (PA), TT
DDay 3 - end of Aug/beg of Sep 2014
(All the same A)

Posts: 315 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: USA
LostTime
♂ Member
Member # 42018
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes.
Yes.
Yes.

Tell. Him. Everything.
I made the mistake of minimizing, lying some more, holding secrets. I know where you are. You don't want to lose what you have. Well guess what, you already have. You lost it as soon as you lied, as soon as you started down that dark selfish path.

Don't be selfish now, it's scary as hell, find a way to face the fear and give up the secrets all at once. Do not TT, trickle it out. I did this and it made things infinitely worse. My BW will not believe a word I say now. Not one.

[This message edited by LostTime at 3:31 PM, July 25th (Friday)]


Me: WS - 38
Her: Beautiful, amazing BS - 38
5 beautiful amazing kids ages 2 - 14.
Separated and hoping for reconciliation one day.

Posts: 139 | Registered: Jan 2014
wheredoigo
♀ Member
Member # 42327
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all, StartingFreshNow, you are very brave to post this question. It is the step in the right direction. You are already one step further than I was at this point.

I was a weenie and waited until my BS triggered randomly a year later and found info that would of lead him to finding out the whole truth. Not being completely truthful about that was what actually made me almost loose him completely, it's taken much more now to show him that I truly mean what I say. Fortunately, when he did ask me if I had a 2nd A, I was completely truthful and answered every question with much remorse. I still to this day, can not believe he is still here and has offered the gift of R.

Now, read my bio. I was in your shoes in March of this year. It was one year after our 1st DDAY. I was convinced that I was protecting my BS by not telling him and causing him more pain. He, however, knew that something was wrong. I tried to compartmentalize it all, but deep, down underneath my unconscious actions told him otherwise. We were sitting there treading in luke warm water. He was in limbo. Limbo is in hell.

Now, read my tag line. You have destroyed your BS without his consent. If he finds out on his own, he will see that you have NOT changed your ways.
You will always wonder when and if it will happen. As Aubrie said, it's not the way to live your life.

If you go to him, he may be done, but you've given him the step forward showing that you are not the same person to lie and hide things any longer. You must tell him anything he needs and wants to know in order to heal. You have to let go of the outcome of your marriage and focus on his healing.

THIS IS YOUR CROSSROAD.

Now, I'm not going to lie. You may loose him, but you won't loose all of your integrity with him or even your children. He may also surprise you and after some time decide that he is brave enough and loves you enough to offer the chance to R. (With my BS, I told him everything. Childhood, dating life, anything that I could of ever hidden from him, then I offered him to give me a polygraph test. He took me up on it.)

If you are truly deciding to live up to your username and change your life, you must decide to stop running from your mistakes and face the damage that you caused. Until you do this, you actually won't even begin to change and grow as well.

There is no easy in hard work. If you truly love your BS and want to have a chance in your marriage, you all deserve to have the truth.

------
Not to t/j, but is your BS on SI? If not, that might be very helpful to give him a safe outlet to weigh things out (we are friends of the marriage here). SI has, no doubt, been a marriage saver for both of us by teaching us how to safely sort through the ashes and find ground again once it settled a bit.

I also highly encourage you to read "How to help your spouse heal from an Affair." He will- no doubt- be upset and angry. The way you respond to help and this book will help you see why he feels this way. Empathy is everything from this point forward.

We are all truly cheering for you. Do the right thing. You and your BS deserve the truth.

[This message edited by wheredoigo at 6:00 PM, July 25th (Friday)]


1st marriage BS to xSAWH (34)
WW-2nd marriage (me) 33 to BS(Jt8d) 35
It's important to heal yourself in a healthy way from all hurt or it will hurt you and the ones you love more than the original hurt before.

Posts: 217 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Midwest
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It all depends on your motivations.

Are you in this to prolong your marriage at the expense of your BS or are you in this to make yourself a better, safer person?

If your only interested in prolonging your marriage in the short to medium term then don't tell.

If however you are wanting to become an authentic, honest, selfless, courageous and all round better person, then come clean.

As always, the choice is yours.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SlowUptake makes a good point and sums it up really well, IMO.

The bottom line, from this experience I learned to live in a truly authentic manner. Honesty and integrity above all else. My infidelity and the aftermath taught me that, the most important lesson from it all. I carry it into all areas of my life. I'm different now. A much better version of me.

I took over a year to tell it all, and like tangledknot I told the final truth in an email because the fear had me paralyzed and it was the only way I could do it. Scariest thing I ever had to do and yes, my BH had had enough. He almost left, he was livid, devastated, just desperately angry and hopeless and sad. He was done.

But...by some miracle he wasn't, and we reconciled, we got through it together. But even if your H chooses not to reconcile, he deserves to know the truth about his marriage.

My lies were weighing on me like an elephant on my chest. I was so happy to finally be done with lying, even with the fear of telling. Living in truth is always better than living a lie.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:44 PM, July 25th (Friday)]


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37981 | Registered: Sep 2007
NoGoodUsername
♂ Member
Member # 40181
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

StartingFreshNow,

I haven't read the rest of this thread, so I'm coming at it fresh. I'm just going to give it to you straight.

You need to tell the whole truth.

Period, full stop.

I also indulged in trickle truth and that did more damage to my marriage than the actual affair. There are a lot of things that can drive an affair and it's a pretty horrible thing all by itself. Continuing to lie about it will erode the fragile trust your spouse might be willing to extend to you afterward. It's like kicking them when they're down and it ruins marriages.

I know that you are scared. I hear what you are saying about you've already lied and don't want to disclose more because it will show you as a liar again. The truth will come out eventually. It's better to give it to him yourself. Even now, it's better that you tell him yourself. If your husband can't move forward after that, it's his choice. If you are trying to have a real marriage with him, then he has the right to know what he is choosing.

This is hard. You are probably ashamed and frightened of losing everything that is important to you. I understand. Here is some practical advice in doing it. This is going to be difficult and you need all the help you can get. I wish I had done all of this.

Pick a time and date to tell him. Write it down. That will help make it real and an obligation to yourself.

Pick a medium for telling him. In person, letter, email, phone. Whatever works for you guys. The medium is less important than making the choice, because it's an incremental step. The choosing makes it more real and has you on the path to doing it.

Write down the things you need to tell him. At a minimum, it will be an exercise to get your sins on paper. You will be tempted to minimize, distort and omit. Don't. This is for you and if you can't be honest with yourself, then you should think about whether you should be married at all.

Prepare for this like you would for a presentation. I'm not talking about power point slides and handouts, I'm talking about knowing your subject matter and being prepared to talk about it. The more you have worked with the material, the better prepared you will be to address it under stress. I promise you, this is going to be stressful. Do not use 'being prepared' as an excuse to procrastinate.

You are going to feel like chickening out and lying again. Pause. Right then, right there, pause. Consult your notes. Consult your conscience. Then tell the truth.

Chances are that your husband is going to have some really awful things to say to you at that point. Listen to him and feel his hurt. As long as it is just words, stand there and take it and empathize with him.

Be brave and do this. It's not just for your husband. This is part of fixing you.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 252 | Registered: Aug 2013
ThatGuyNoMore
♂ Member
Member # 42899
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Make a plan now to tell him the truth and execute that plan. When you tell him the truth, yes, it will be DDay all over again for him, but do it anyway. He will feel like you've been betraying him all this time by holding back on all these very important details, but do it anyway. Yes, your life will truly suck whether he keeps you or dumps you, but do it anyway. It's the right thing to do.

Now imagine that you kept the secret from him. Years go by. You rationalize to yourself, if I can keep the facts of my A secret from him, I can get away with something else. Maybe it's not another A, but something else that would hurt him. Would you betray him again because you could get away with it? Are you really such a changed person as you say you are? In what ways have you changed? Is your integrity one of the things you count as changed?

I know these are hard questions, but you need to face them if you truly want to heal and become the kind person you aspire to be.

Good luck.


Me and BW 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
D-Day 3/5/14
I lied to everyone, including myself.

Posts: 197 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: US
wheredoigo
♀ Member
Member # 42327
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SlowUptake, I respectfully disagree with this:

If your only interested in prolonging your marriage in the short to medium term then don't tell.


I can't imagine not telling the BS either way. By giving the BS the truth, they could then make the decision on whether the WW is making decisions and it be of false pretense or true motivation to be a better person who is empathetic and truly wants change.

Everything else you said, however, is spot on.


1st marriage BS to xSAWH (34)
WW-2nd marriage (me) 33 to BS(Jt8d) 35
It's important to heal yourself in a healthy way from all hurt or it will hurt you and the ones you love more than the original hurt before.

Posts: 217 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Midwest
ScarlettA1
♀ Member
Member # 43533
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, you need to disclose everything. It's so hard because it feels like you are stabbing them with a knife every time you tell them something. Be as kind as you can and as factual as you can. Be sure the fog has cleared somewhat. If it gets to heated between you then take a break and resume in an hour. it's one of the hardest things to do but the truth will set you free. REally! I wish you the very best.


Be Wise, Be Kind, Be True

WW 47(me)
BH 49
dday 3/19/14
11 mo EA/PA


Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: United States
iAmAMess0809
Member
Member # 40964
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel compelled to reply on this one.

On April 30, 2013 my BW looked at my phone and saw emails between me and my AP. She was devesatated and the look on her face is burned into my memory, as I am sure everyone can say. I told her nothing happened physically and that it was an EA.

On October 11, most 6 months later, we were doing pretty well. Then she told me she found the other BS on Facebook and sent him a message to let home know.

Over those 6 months, I had periods where I was able to block it out, and other times that it ate at me. But when she sent that message, I had to choose to either break NC and contact the AP to get our story's straight, or I had to confess the rest of it. I confessed. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. But I am glad that I did.

There is something to be said about not having a lie eat at you. It gets worse over time.

I thought she would divorce me, but we are still working on R.

[This message edited by iAmAMess0809 at 12:18 AM, July 26th (Saturday)]


Me: WH, 32
Wife: BW, 31 (SoVeryTired5)
Affair during March/April 2013
DDay: April 30, 2013 (Admitted EA)
Full Disclosure: October 11, 2013 (Admitted PA)
Hoping to reconcile


Posts: 65 | Registered: Oct 2013
PainfulReminder
♀ Member
Member # 41146
Default  Posted: 12:53 AM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was fortunate to have done enough reading online to know a full confession is the fastest path to a happy and full relationship and life. Thankfully I confessed everything right at the beginning. Had I not been in the right online crowd I would have left a lot of vile and disgusting aspects of my affair out. And those would have haunted me and weighed me down making me even more of a sorry excuse of a wife. Secrets kill marriages and they kill your soul. It is never too late to be honest.

My H had no idea I was in an affair. I could have just buried it. And let me tell you the advice to do so was really tempting. But I wanted more of me. And so I confessed the entire thing not knowing if there would be a chance at R. And there really was more than a chance. But i didn't know it and it was scary as heck. So I get your fear. But you can do it!


Posts: 58 | Registered: Oct 2013
2hurtbyfar
♀ New Member
Member # 32495
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:20 AM, July 26th (Saturday)]


Eat my dust - I am far too good for the likes of you!!

Posts: 27 | Registered: Jun 2011
Neznayou
♀ Member
Member # 40654
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At 18 months, I filled in the gaps and ended the TT. However, how is he supposed to trust that I've told him everything? He isn't. He has the word of a conflict-avoidant, cheating lier. Even when I tell him "there is nothing else to tell"; I've said that before. What's changed?

I refer you back to every other post in this thread. DO IT. COME CLEAN NOW. TELL HIM EVERY EMBARRASSING PAINFUL TRUTH. It is a demonstration of commitment to him and your relationship; exactly the opposite of having an affair. Also, if he doesn't know about the PA, he doesn't know about the health risks you've brought home.

BTW, you added the stop sign, but I've discussed this post with my BH. He verifies what I'm telling you. Also, if you drag out the truth, it sets you up for further lies when he asks questions.


Me: WW
Caught at AP's house: 10 Aug 2012
Admitted PA: 12 Aug 2012
TT ended: Jan 2014

"Power, Lincoln, real power comes not from hate, but from truth."


Posts: 305 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: America to Europe
Topic Posts: 42
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