My question is, do people begin a first affair after 30 years of marriage or is are there usually more? Am I still being na´ve to think that this was the only one. I've asked him and he says no...this was the only one, but we all know how bad his memory is.
I've explored whether he has cheated before in our M quite a bit and I don't believe he has. And this is further confirmed by the way he acted so differently when he was cheating than he ever has before. His cheating was related to his erectile dysfunction which happened right before the cheating started.
I can trace back where changes with him started. They started about the time that he started his job with 2nd shift. He started feeling it was appropriate to have a middle-of-the-night life with several bachelors. It started as going to the gym. It started with smoking a bit of pot every now and then, which was his first major lie from me. It started escalating where they would hang out longer. Then a woman started the job and she started flirting with him. He flirted back. That was his first foray over the line. He confessed to his best friend that he worried he would stray. His best friend told him do not do it, do not, turn to me (his wife). OW1 messaged him a few days later and the rest is, I guess you can say, history.
I feel more comfortable being able to go back over the logs and records and seeing that there is no indication this happened before. I also feel comfortable getting a sense of seeing him slip away and having a second life, which pulled him away from his family life and set the stage for him to start focusing on ego-ego-ego
It could have been the first time or it could be hes still lying and denying to cover his ass.
Leaning towards leaving, no one deserves this pain.
I know my WW had really poor boundaries with men she worked with for years and years. I complained about this quite allot but was told I was being jealous and too controlling.
My WW admitted she flirted with men at work. *innocent flirting* she called it. an oxymoron if there ever was one IMO.
Did any of them cross the line into a EA? or a PA? I dont know. it could have easily have happened.
But I wonder if there arent a number of near misses before the bulls eye is hit and a affair starts up?
Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
This is just one example of my thinking that he may have cheated (at least in my eyes) if not his before. If he did have oral with someone at that stag party or anywhere else, in his mind it wasn't cheating.
Thank you to everyone who responded. I am so sorry that you have to go through this too.
The rumour mill was quite busy when they discovered that I found out about this A and kicked him out and he moved in with OW
Talk was he has been cheating on me for a long time, with other women. He denies it but I know he lies so I guess I will never know for sure
The reason I think he's done this before:
15 years ago he hurriedly wanted to move out of our rental and buy a house. We were in our new home in 2 months! He said he didn't want to pay the landlord ever again,,, that the landlord was being a jerk. Dumb me...landlord probably saw something.
15 years ago a woman told me that my H hit on her all the time. But, she had been let go, so I thought she was just mad.
10 years ago, someone told me that her H had told her my H was "sweet" on another guy's girlfriend. I blew off the comment.
5 years ago his Dad was dying and he went out of state to help his family. He called me one night and said he and his cousin were running around, hanging out,, but I distinctly heard women talking in the background... I thought it was his cousin's wife and daughters,, but now I wonder. Also he said his parents had made him pay for stuff while he was out there, so he said he had no money and needed me to WU some.
I was really stupid, or maybe it's the fact that I don't know any people like WS, so I wasn't looking for any warning flags....
Then there was the time he was smoking up with his friend's wife and I walked in the room to find them standing really close looking into each others eyes. And the time I was working nights and phoned home to hear a girl's voice in the background. He said she needed to borrow the phone! Then the secretary at his work who he wanted to invite to our New Years party. This is the same girl who I caught driving our brand new truck around town one day. Another time, we were at home on one of our few nights off together (I worked shift work) and suddenly he dressed up in his nice clothes and leather jacket "to run to town"... when I got mad, same reaction as the AFF time.
When they say hind sight is 20/20 I believe it to be true. Its easy to see now but at the time he was so mentally abusive and manipulative I believed his excuses and lies. He always had a way to cover his tracks and a distraction technique to shift the focus back onto me and his perceived wrong doings I had (even though I never cheated). To top it all off he always acted extremely jealous of me and accused me of cheating all those years.
I thank God everyday for answered prayers. In my case, the answered prayer was actually catching him and being able to divorce him.
"And this above all else, to thine own self be true"
They can claim all they want that the first 30 years they were a choir boy, but I have a very hard time believing anything out of a liar's mouth.
The only two things you can count on are death and taxes. Everything else is a guess, at best.
PS: 25 years ago I divorced the biggest cheating skirt-chaser on the planet. Do you BELIEVE I'm STILL hearing stories about his cheating from when we were married?????? Not from him of course, because he's a liar. I had dinner with a couple of longtime girlfriends a few months ago, and the one was reminiscing about how she'd caught her husband - and mine - at a work site with a couple women when she'd stopped by to bring her husband a surprise lunch. She got a surprise, alright. And she was telling this story like I already knew about it - but I didn't.
So I don't believe for one second we really and truly KNOW 100% what our cheating spouses did before we actually caught them with their hands in the cookie jar.
Now whether they act on that more than once depends on the situations they are presented with and their choices regarding such "opportunities" I read the BAN link about betrayal patterns and it made a lot of sense to me. So the way I'd answer is depending on how quickly a wayward can get to the point of justifying/allowing/rationalizing their behavior could explain if/how it's more than once
To me, that lack of boundaries is the basis to allow for ultimately it being easier for them to roll downhill rather than climb when it comes to working and loving in a truly committed and monogamous relationship = a marriage
My WH expressed it as feeling like an insect - hard shell but all goo inside. So when his exW "got through" his "armor" he coped by stuffing it down (since he felt his other alternative was to beat the crap out of her) and compartmentalizing. Problem was then he ultimately lost how to feel good in order to avoid feeling bad
and as he said - feeling bad (at the time) was better than feeling nothing
anyhow - really are no bad questions here = those are my thoughts
all the best
So if there is no self-love / self-value (laid down by FOO, relationship history, personal experiences etc.) than
WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts but we talk a lot and working on listening better!
married 17 years
Married 27 years. Together 29.
3 children 24, 21, 14
OW sex addict and romance addict according to MC.
I don't think he cheated for the first 22 or 23 years, but the shit above started about then and by the time our 25th wedding anniversary passed, he was no longer in the marriage.
At this point, it really doesn't matter. He has to live with that....and I've had to accept that for a number of years, he was not truly married to me nor did he love or respect me enough to leave me instead of stealing over five years of my life, letting me live a lie.
Funny sometimes how questions on SI can bring out the resentment that still sits inside me. Resentment that doesn't do me any good, but it's there, like my grey hair. I can color it any way I want, but it's still grey underneath.
[This message edited by Alex CR at 12:56 PM, July 27th (Sunday)]