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User Topic: Advice please
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH said something last night (things are rocky but here we are) - and it really has set me off. Can't recall the lead up, but he said that "love is basically a mental disorder and that it makes a person do things that are against their better interest" and whatnot. I just sat there, and all I could think was 'so you look at your A as a 'mental disorder' and still think of it as love'?

He never mentioned his A, and for all I know he wasn't even thinking of it, but that's all I could think, and this morning I'm still dwelling on it.

So, do I say something? If so, what? I know I can talk about what I want, but am I being paranoid, or overly sensitive?

I'm just really angry because he said it, and I really just want to spend the day alone now. I hate this.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure what to say, but I think I would bring the statement up as a topic of conversation, maybe in MC.

I think I'd start by asking, 'What did you mean by saying that?'

I'd be worried, too, if that's what my W thought - not the disorder part, but the 'it makes a person do things that are against their better interest' part.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10384 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
ChangeMaker
♂ Member
Member # 43899
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That doesn't sound remorseful to me.


"Everything works if you let it." - Travis W. Redfish

DDay - June 7, 2014
Me - 43
WW - 41
DD - 6 and 3
Pulling the Plug


Posts: 358 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Ontario
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He never mentioned his A, and for all I know he wasn't even thinking of it, but that's all I could think, and this morning I'm still dwelling on it.

Here's the problem---We ALWAYS have infidelity on our minds...even if it is not at the forefront. SO, while your WH may have used it as a reference to his A, it is also a real possibility that had zero to do with his comment.

So, do I say something? If so, what? I know I can talk about what I want, but am I being paranoid, or overly sensitive?

Try not to fester on it. I know it is so much easier said than done, but if it wasn't point-blank obvious when you first heard it, I am afraid that you are just going to dwell on this---which just eats you up inside.

I'm just really angry because he said it, and I really just want to spend the day alone now. I hate this.

(((painful)))

Not much to offer here in consoling words. I hate these times also.


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2072 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can tell you will not be able to let this go. I couldn't either. Not only related to the A, but what about what it means for you and him? So, is he saying what he has for you is a "mental disorder"?

I think he doesn't really know what love is or what loving something is supposed to be like. Sounds like he is confusing love with infatuation/lust. Infatuation/lust feels like love...but it can be negative and have negative results. Love is a win win situation. You are doing something for someone else (selfless). At the same time you are doing something for yourself that betters your character.

I would bring it up in MC.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just going to second what hopefulmother said. I'd be more hung up on the idea that our M must be part of that same mental disorder in his mind. I'd bring it up, either at home or in MC, whichever is usually a better forum for productive conversation for YOU.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3631 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not only related to the A, but what about what it means for you and him? So, is he saying what he has for you is a "mental disorder"?

I did ask him this actually, right when he said it, even though I was thinking of the A. He said that wasn't what he meant, and then he brought up running into a burning building, etc. I can't help but think his real statement was based on his actions during the A - which would be to say he still thinks he loves/loved her. This is my real issue. Was he calling that love?


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He may think it, but it is still infatuation/lust. Doesn't make it any less painful for you though. Bring it up in MC. What about a burning building? If he states it again in MC, counter with love doesn't make you do stupid things. Lust does. Love builds and makes two people better, not destroys their character. That isn't love, there was no respect going around for anyone.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whichever way you look at it, it sounds bad I think. Is he saying he loved her or is the mental disorder/ love with you. I don't get it. I would definitely ask him what he meant.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5142 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 9

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