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User Topic: What if OW really does mean something?
tremble
♀ Member
Member # 43170
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WBF and OW have a history together. They talked and hung out some after high school (about 20 yrs ago). She really liked him and when he started dating another girl she claimed he was cheating on the GF with her and that she had letters to prove it. He denied it, she never produced any evidence so people in our circle of friends (it's a small town) assumed she was just a crazy trouble maker. They didn't speak for years and he eventually married his GF. Several years into his marriage OW found him on facebook and they reconnected. It lead to an EA which was the final straw for the marriage. He went out with OW a few times but didn't establish a long term relationship with her because "I can't deal with her crazy." Oh, and she was married at the time. It was my understanding they were largely NC with her initiating the occasional email that he would respond to, she would start getting "weird" and he would go NC again. He hadn't spoken to her in a couple of years I thought and he would always say "OH, BTW So-n-so emailed me, she was weird again, here it is if you want to read it". This is the same woman he cheated on me with! When she contacted him again in 2012 he chose to not tell me because "I knew you wouldn't like me being friends with her". Ofcourse I wouldn't want you being friends with her dumbass. Anyway, apparently there were talks of fate and being soul mates, etc . So I guess my question (if it is one) is why her? Seems like she really means something to him or he wouldn't keep destroying his life for her. Or is it that she's just so desperate and needy that if she shows up when he's vulnerable she'll take whatever crumbs she can get while he gets the ego kibbles?


You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf. Joseph Campbell

Posts: 59 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
TheIrishGirl
♀ Member
Member # 43496
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My 2 cents: he feels like she knows him because she's been around forever. There are major ego kibbles to be had from someone who has been after him for 20+ years. And, she's the lowest hanging fruit- he knows if he ever wants something that she's ready and willing to give it.


Me: 31, BW Him: 38, WH
2 children (ours) 7/11 & 3/14
D-day 4/18/14 I saw his 'other' email

Posts: 461 | Registered: May 2014
imagoodwitch
♀ Member
Member # 23375
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH and OW went to high school together. They "dated" when he was in college, booty calls mostly. His mother, who never liked me, brought her to his college graduation, MIL wanted them to get married.

We met about 2 years after he graduated from college, I think they hooked up right before I met him.

I think it was a draw for WH was that OW had been pinning for him all these years.

I think it means that neither one of them grew up, developed healthy boundaries and have no clue about health relationships.


I am just your ordinary average everyday sane psycho supergoddess - Liz Phair

Don't keep dancing with the Devil and wonder why you are still in Hell.

It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.


Posts: 5394 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Munchkinland
Vulcanized
♀ Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it was a draw for WH was that OW had been pinning for him all these years.

I concur. What sort of sane, mentally sound, emotionally healthy person pines for 20 years? Either OW is out right lying, heavily exaggerating, or if this is true, a total nut job.

So I guess my question (if it is one) is why her? Seems like she really means something to him or he wouldn't keep destroying his life for her.

She's there. She reappears sporadically and they 'get together'. Your WBF is just charging neutral: he's not making any effort to have a legit R w/her. BUT ... he's not making a legit effort to permanently to remove her either. I'm guessing ease, convenience, availability, familiarity. He doesn't really have to do any work for it.

Or is it that she's just so desperate and needy that if she shows up when he's vulnerable she'll take whatever crumbs she can get while he gets the ego kibbles?

Maybe, maybe not. Your focus needs to be more on you and less on either of them.

I think if she really meant something, they'd of had a real, permanent relationship instead of awkward on/off EA thing. Sounds totally dysfunctional to me. And as we all know, that isn't the basis of a healthy, lasting relationship.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 753 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
BtraydWife
♀ Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's willing to be good to go for sex. The only obvious cost to him is putting up with her crazy. It sounds like he has no real clue what his behavior with this skank has cost him. Sorry but he sounds simple and shallow.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1758 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think my ws feels something for ow, I think she does mean something...to him. He has kept contact with her since meeting her 8 yrs ago. It's like he won't cut her loose.
As far as your bf she's available, she's familiar, she doesn't require a commitment but when she gets to clingy, he calls her crazy. Sounds like a dysfunctional relationship that neither one will pull the plug on entirely.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5048 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 6:30 AM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's got a long history with her (doesn't matter if it's good, bad or ugly), they're clearly attracted to each other and have been for 20 years, it's exciting to be pursued and have someone blowing up your ego telling you that they want you sexually, and sometimes, certain guys just think with their privates and nothing more.

Their past history and the connection they had will probably always be a bone of contention for you and your marriage. Regardless of how 'crazy' she may be, there's something about her that seems to get his attention each time she shows up out of the blue. Don't blame his bad decisions on being 'vulnerable.' His decisions are his and his alone.

The fact that he keeps allowing her back in and risking your marriage each time he does it is pretty much proof positive that she still has a hold on him.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1756 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
tremble
♀ Member
Member # 43170
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it means that neither one of them grew up, developed healthy boundaries and have no clue about health relationships.

I couldn't agree more. The selfishness and immaturity of his actions are astounding.

The fact that he keeps allowing her back in and risking your marriage each time he does it is pretty much proof positive that she still has a hold on him

I guess I'm confused as to what that hold could be. When I look at her all I see is a weak, desperate, needy trainwreck. She always has been. Why is her mess worth potentially losing me and our life together? Why was she worth losing his first marriage over?
Your focus needs to be more on you and less on either of them

Most days it is. But then some days.....I'm still very confused.


You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf. Joseph Campbell

Posts: 59 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 8

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