Does anyone get the question from their BS of how can they feel reassured? I have gotten the statement that "I only have your word to trust, and that is not good enough".
There have been times that I have proven my whereabouts, my conversations, my thoughts, and my feelings and at times those are questioned.
"How do I know that you are better?"
"What can I expect going forward with you?"
Is there a way that I will ever give my BS complete reassurance in our marriage?
the long answer. The only thing you can do is to continually be an open book. open and honest, share your feelings, share your successes and your failures even in your own boundaries. The yes or no answer is up to your BS. You have to continue everyday to reassure her, but the ultimate decision is hers.
My BS asks me all the time, "How do i know this isn't another mask?" "How do I know that the changes will be forever and not just for now?" The realistic answer is they can never know forever until they reach forever. So it is a HUGE risk to trust us after our soul-splitting betrayal. We can only hope that at some point. They believe the change is permanent.
In the mean time, we heal, we change for us. They get the benefits of that. We can share our love with them. We can make escape funds available, we can sign post-nups. But at the end of the day, it is still their choice to take the leap.
"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"
ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)
no stop sign = BS always welcome
I get very frustrated that my wife does not trust me, but I realize that I brought this on myself and I have no one to blame but myself.
You have to realize that you did this, and you are the only one that is going to fix this. But it is going to take time. Lots of time.
Currently living apart, unsure of reconciliation. In IC.
I want to add that you should remember your BS really, really hates to not trust you. You put her into this awful place. So when you get frustrated or impatient or whatever, remember that your BS doesn't want to feel this way. Its a whole other weight you put on your BS' shoulders.
Remember, when I say "you" I really mean "we." Hang in there.
* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.
"Dum spiro, spero." - "While I breathe, I hope."
The cure to all of life's problems is salt water; Sweat, tears, or the Sea.
Echoing somethingremorse, my BW hates that I've turned her into a suspicious, cynical person. It drains her energy to have to check up on me all the time, scanning my phone, looking at my browser history, worrying if I've just gotten more clever about hiding things.
My BW appreciates the check-in phone calls, the selfies I send while I'm running errands and attending IC appointments, which give her some assurance that I am where I'm supposed to be, but it doesn't prove I'm there alone. It's not enough-- she cannot watch me 24/7, which is the level of proof she needs to feel reassured.
Doing the work, showing initiative and not just reacting to her lead, volunteering info, asking about her feelings and sharing your own, sharing the burden that you've just dumped on her--all those things help to reassure that you care and are trying hard--for now. Your BW doesn't know and can't trust that you won't get tired of doing the work, caring for her, and healing yourself. She can't trust whether the next opportunity that presents itself to you won't result in another affair. She's scared that you'll rip her heart out again in another vicious act of betrayal or by a thousand cuts of selfishness and indifference.
Reassurance comes with time. It's her timetable, not yours.
She's scared that you'll rip her heart out again in another vicious act of betrayal or by a thousand cuts of selfishness and indifference
So very, very true. The indifference perceived by the BS due to the lack of urgency and proactivity on the part of the WS is extremely hurtful. It (proactivity) is not only a method for helping your BS to feel more secure, more understood and less alone but the absence the of those actions by the WS is extremely oppressive, leaving the BS feeling abandoned, unassisted and isolated within the walls of the world of torment they've been thrust into; Left to question and fear and grieve alone.
The best way to show love and support to a BS is to not leave them all alone with their burdens.
That trust that was lost can only be built back up a little bit at a time. She can't monitor your activities 24/7, though she might try. Just try to do little things to prove that you are where you say you are. And don't necessarily let her know that's why your doing it. Like calling her from work to ask if she wants you to pick something up at the store on your way home. Or just call her to ask her how she's doing.
It'll take a while, and if you're inconsistent in your efforts you'll knock that trust back a little each time. And you know, you will NEVER completely reassure her. There will always be that little itch in her brain that want's to keep her safe.
11 mo EA/PA