Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Romulus (45761)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Reassurance
AceKnight
♂ New Member
Member # 39832
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good afternoon

Does anyone get the question from their BS of how can they feel reassured? I have gotten the statement that "I only have your word to trust, and that is not good enough".

There have been times that I have proven my whereabouts, my conversations, my thoughts, and my feelings and at times those are questioned.

"How do I know that you are better?"
"What can I expect going forward with you?"

Is there a way that I will ever give my BS complete reassurance in our marriage?


Posts: 28 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
DrJekyll
♂ Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The short answer yes and no.

the long answer. The only thing you can do is to continually be an open book. open and honest, share your feelings, share your successes and your failures even in your own boundaries. The yes or no answer is up to your BS. You have to continue everyday to reassure her, but the ultimate decision is hers.

My BS asks me all the time, "How do i know this isn't another mask?" "How do I know that the changes will be forever and not just for now?" The realistic answer is they can never know forever until they reach forever. So it is a HUGE risk to trust us after our soul-splitting betrayal. We can only hope that at some point. They believe the change is permanent.

In the mean time, we heal, we change for us. They get the benefits of that. We can share our love with them. We can make escape funds available, we can sign post-nups. But at the end of the day, it is still their choice to take the leap.


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women


Posts: 843 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
Imabrokenman
♂ Member
Member # 43886
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, July 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only thing that is going to show her that you are trustworthy is time and actions. There is nothing else that is going to show her.

I get very frustrated that my wife does not trust me, but I realize that I brought this on myself and I have no one to blame but myself.

You have to realize that you did this, and you are the only one that is going to fix this. But it is going to take time. Lots of time.


Me: WH (49)
Her: BW (48)
DDay 1: June 9, 2014
DDay 2: June 23, 2014
Married: 19 Years
No children

Currently living apart, unsure of reconciliation. In IC.


Posts: 69 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Richmond, VA
somethingremorse
♂ Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I echo the other comments.

I want to add that you should remember your BS really, really hates to not trust you. You put her into this awful place. So when you get frustrated or impatient or whatever, remember that your BS doesn't want to feel this way. Its a whole other weight you put on your BS' shoulders.

Remember, when I say "you" I really mean "we." Hang in there.


Me: WH (40s)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 753 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
islesguy
♂ Member
Member # 38090
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think that a BS can ever feel reassured. The thing that they trusted the most was broken and no matter what happens, no matter how long you are together in the future, it will probably still be in the back of the BS's mind. This is just something you are going to have to accept as a result of your choices and try not to get frustrated but instead put yourself in your BS's shoes.


Me: WH
Father of 3 beautiful girls

* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.


Posts: 231 | Registered: Jan 2013
AceKnight
♂ New Member
Member # 39832
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the helpful post replies.

Posts: 28 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Apple3point14
♂ Member
Member # 39035
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know in my marriage that I don't think there's anything I can do to reassure my wife directly. But I think a good place to start is do what she asks you to do. And very importantly do what you say you're going to do. I know my wife very much likes when I do exactly what I say. It doesn't matter if it is taking out the trash, bring home a treat for DD, just if I say i-do it. Then I think not giving excuses, and owning what you do is a very important piece to this.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Apr 2013
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a BS I would advise being proactive. Finding books on your own, discussing what you're finding and realising through your reading with your BS, You being the one to start conversations to show that this is something that also dominates your life and your thoughts. Seeing that the healing (your BSs and yours) is really important to you is reassuring to your BS.
With all that your BS has on her mind (all day every day...no kidding) she wants you to be curious and interested in all the affects and all of her pain. Ask about it a lot. Like, all the time. It feels less lonely and isolating and feels like she's not fighting through the crazy amount of thoughts, mind movies and deep grief alone..


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 486 | Registered: Mar 2014
SparrowSoul
♀ Member
Member # 44223
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As another BS, I second the suggestion of proactivity. It helps so much to know that I'm not the only one thinking about this all the time, so whether it's finding reading materials, spending extra time/effort focusing on your BS's thoughts and feelings, or even just talking openly about your own , those all help.


Me: BGF, 29
Him: WBF, 35 (RMarred)
D-Day: 7/5/2014, seared into my memory like a brand.

"Dum spiro, spero." - "While I breathe, I hope."
The cure to all of life's problems is salt water; Sweat, tears, or the Sea.


Posts: 131 | Registered: Jul 2014
ThatGuyNoMore
♂ Member
Member # 42899
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good advice you've gotten.

Echoing somethingremorse, my BW hates that I've turned her into a suspicious, cynical person. It drains her energy to have to check up on me all the time, scanning my phone, looking at my browser history, worrying if I've just gotten more clever about hiding things.

My BW appreciates the check-in phone calls, the selfies I send while I'm running errands and attending IC appointments, which give her some assurance that I am where I'm supposed to be, but it doesn't prove I'm there alone. It's not enough-- she cannot watch me 24/7, which is the level of proof she needs to feel reassured.

Doing the work, showing initiative and not just reacting to her lead, volunteering info, asking about her feelings and sharing your own, sharing the burden that you've just dumped on her--all those things help to reassure that you care and are trying hard--for now. Your BW doesn't know and can't trust that you won't get tired of doing the work, caring for her, and healing yourself. She can't trust whether the next opportunity that presents itself to you won't result in another affair. She's scared that you'll rip her heart out again in another vicious act of betrayal or by a thousand cuts of selfishness and indifference.

Reassurance comes with time. It's her timetable, not yours.


Me and BW 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
D-Day 3/5/14
I lied to everyone, including myself.

Posts: 250 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: US
FixYou71
♀ Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 1:58 AM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's scared that you'll rip her heart out again in another vicious act of betrayal or by a thousand cuts of selfishness and indifference

So very, very true. The indifference perceived by the BS due to the lack of urgency and proactivity on the part of the WS is extremely hurtful. It (proactivity) is not only a method for helping your BS to feel more secure, more understood and less alone but the absence the of those actions by the WS is extremely oppressive, leaving the BS feeling abandoned, unassisted and isolated within the walls of the world of torment they've been thrust into; Left to question and fear and grieve alone.

The best way to show love and support to a BS is to not leave them all alone with their burdens.


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 486 | Registered: Mar 2014
Not.the.Big.Easy
♂ Member
Member # 2569
Default  Posted: 2:17 AM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As ashamed as I'm to admit it, I've been both the BBF and the WBF. Let me say revenge affairs don't make you feel better. But on to your dilemma.

That trust that was lost can only be built back up a little bit at a time. She can't monitor your activities 24/7, though she might try. Just try to do little things to prove that you are where you say you are. And don't necessarily let her know that's why your doing it. Like calling her from work to ask if she wants you to pick something up at the store on your way home. Or just call her to ask her how she's doing.

It'll take a while, and if you're inconsistent in your efforts you'll knock that trust back a little each time. And you know, you will NEVER completely reassure her. There will always be that little itch in her brain that want's to keep her safe.


Me: BH (44)
Her: WW (37)(EAish)
Dday 7/23/14
Dday #2 9/9/14
TT #1 10/4/14
TT #2 10/14/14
Remorse? Safety?
D/R? who knows...

Posts: 145 | Registered: Oct 2003 | From: Vermont
ScarlettA1
♀ Member
Member # 43533
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's a lot of great advice. I just wanted to say as a WW to hang in there. I'm only 4 1/2 months out and it's hard to not be trusted on a daily basis. It's frustrating and yet shocking how fragile trust is and how long it takes to earn it back.
I know it will come. I wish you the best.


Be Wise, Be Kind, Be True

WW 47(me)
BH 49
dday 3/19/14
11 mo EA/PA


Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 13

Return to Forum: Wayward Side Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.