It just really sucks; completely unfair and unjust.
But it can get better. With time. With a remorseful H. We still have our ups and downs, but currently mostly because I am reluctant to "settle" anymore.
When I was where you are I was reading everything I could get my hands on and coming here every day.
Give yourself time, you don't have to decide everything now.
I wish you the best.
Then if he steps it up and u can move past this, great. If not, you are a whole new you and u can survive wo him. Xo
fucking is not making love - animals fuck and breed all the time and they are never aware and conscious and spiritually entwined = two souls as one. So we are working on creating a new and sacred place in that sense
co-dependency is not communicating, it's not a marriage. Turning away from one another and not collaborating in order to solve conflicts is not how I want to behave with my spouse.
So while I haven't gone through all of the stages grieving the death of the life I had before the A (it's just the first year and this mess has a whole lotta jerry springer going on...) I was willing to establish with my H that I am thankful to bury what didn't work. I am thankful to say our toxic dance of not listening to one another and being unable to express our feelings fully trust in one another is over and done with
I am working on trying to be thankful for the sorrows I do not yet understand ... like how rainbows happen after the rain
or what doesn't kill me makes me stronger and I love the images of kintsugi pottery and what it represents... ok my marriage was missing the gold so we are working on adding gold
so yah, it's a long slog ... but as they saying goes life is about the journey
for me it's don't focus on the finish line and pace for a marathon ... just breathe
[This message edited by Merida at 10:17 AM, July 27th (Sunday)]
WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts but we talk a lot and working on listening better!
married 17 years
I would rather have died
BS (me) 40
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years
4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA
Us together 20 years, married 17 and 6 kids
I always thought I was enough but obviously not!
I share this with you because I don't think I meant nothing to him in that time. I think our marriage was not in the greatest place and the excitement of it all made it workable for him. Sad but true.
Maybe you were not nothing to him in those times... maybe he needed to block you out because his selfishness took over.
Wishing you peace.
How did you get past the pain of knowing, that while you were a faithful and loyal spouse, your WS wasn't? Past the fact that you chose monogamy for better or for worse, you WS has memories of making live to another? The lies, the betrayal and showing someone else that, in those moments, you were less than nothing to them?
If you keep reading here, and your WS is like most waywards, you will learn that the affair was more of a crisis for them, than some big amusement park ride. That they made the decisions they did because something was wrong, not out of love, or even lust usually, and that they were just trying to escape something about their lives at the time, and this was a very tempting, selfish and immature way to do it. Then, they found someone else similarly broken, selfish and immature, and did it. Doesn't exactly sound like a recipe for happiness, does it?
So, the main point, is you really weren't part of the equation. If you are like many of us, your marriage was not perfect at the time, but no one's is. Probably some needs were going unmet, however that is not an excuse. However, now is the best possible time to take an inventory of those things and work on making things better, if you can.
So, the fact is, your H wasn't thinking of you, or what this was going to do to you, except in the most superficial and cursory way. In a way, that is good news. But, one has to figure out why they got in such a state to begin with as well.
Also, these "memories" are hard to deal with as a BS, but I promise in time those memories will be nothing but a source of shame and unhappiness for your WS. A reminder of their worst selves.
And here is your glimmer -- I probably love my husband even more than I did prior to the affair, and we have been together nearly 25 years. (And I'd say our marriage was a B+ even before the affair .) Our intimacy is greater, our partnership is stronger, we are waaaaay smarter, and we are both healing. The pain has lessened a great deal, and I can see a future where I don't think about it every day, even if right now I still do.
Hang in there. Read. Go to counseling, and try to have faith. If you have a remorseful, hardworking WS, this can eventually be ok.
I edit, therefore I am.
This is such a huge process. It's so helpful knowing that there is hope for a truly better life.
I probably love my husband even more than I did prior to the affair,
how did you get to this?
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...
I feel like too much of my/our love before was based on compatibility, a promise, and blind loyalty, and familiarity, and just generally liking each other. But, we didn't take emotional risks with each other. In some ways, I am learning to be more loving, if that makes sense. Him, too.
But now, it feels like we have worked hard for our marriage, you know? Like, the "worst" happened, and yet we are still there for each other. Yes, my H took a 2.5 month, totally destructive vacation/escape from life, and our marriage. That will always hurt. But, he could've walked -- I could've walked, and yet here we are. I am excited about our future - with better coping, and better understanding, and more emotional maturity for both of us.
[This message edited by bionicgal at 12:09 PM, July 28th (Monday)]
if you really think he will do it again, leave, as the pain from repetition affairs cuts far deeper in the soul.
if not for my faith, I'd be a shell of a person destroyed by the damage she caused me.
“Whatever follows after DD is much more crucial than the infidelity action itself” Quote by SI Member Melian40
"I'm a good man, not an option" - Steppingup
the pain from repetition affairs cuts far deeper in the soul.