You have a PM
The people you do your life with shape the life you live
"Love comes when manipulation stops; when you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you. When you dare to reveal yourself fully." J. Brot
So, YOU were a BS in your first M?) I guess I don't understand how a person who has had this done to them first, could ever possibly do this to someone else....if they really love that person. You SHOULD know how to help him then! I could go on but if you're reading all the other posts, you SHOULD get it by now! Be there for him, no matter how long it takes. You hurt him, now it's time to help him!
Trying, you are right, I do know how it feels to BS, to find out and feel your body go limp, to try and tell yourself it's not true, but sadly I don't know what it's like to have a remorseful WW. At all. I have no idea what that remotely looks like (other than reading books and SI). My xWH was -and still is- the biggest narcissist I've ever met. I found him kissing his AP right in front of me, he denied it all and then I went evidence hunting. Once I confronted him with all of the credit card bills, poems and emails, he did not even put up not a single fight. He simply moved out and signed a 1 year lease on a studio apartment and then abandoned my DD and I. She was 18 months old. Fast forward to today and he's suddenly decided to come back into my 12 year old daughter's life, tell her a sob story that I "took" her away from him and re-wrote every aspect of his life. He failed to mention that college was more important than seeing her, paying medical bills or child support, but who cares about that stuff? Now it's all rainbows and unicorns in the shape of high dollar gifts to her like coach shoes, Miss Me jeans and letting her do whatever she wants at his house. The worse part of it all is that her demeanor is changing to indifference towards me and her personality has changed to be very similar to his (in a narcissistic way. It is beyond troubling for me to see this happen to my sweet DD) Did I mention that he received a HUGE inheritance and is now taking me back to court to try and get split custody?
My point is, I know what it's like to be stomped on. I will NOT be that person that my xWH was… once the fog lifted and I understood that I was no better than xWH, I crumbled. I literally realized I had not only betrayed my BH, but I had ultimately betrayed myself.
I love my BH immensely. I will not give up on him, I will fight for him. I will do what it takes to make him feel safe. Please don't assume that I am saying I am giving up. I never once said that I am abandoning his hurt or him. I'm fighting for him daily.
Maybe read my other posts and you can see where I'm at on my journey. This post, for me, was more of a boundary line and saying gently, "that's not okay to say those things" kind of post… I'm concerned about increased drinking and anger and thoughts on being a WW. He had somewhat of a one-way EA in his first marriage. It's a very real concern of mine. If I didn't care and I wasn't working hard, I wouldn't be here.
I do appreciate your time to post and your honesty with your own experience with anger and drinking. I never experienced that as a Bs, so it does help me to know it's not just happening here with us.
[This message edited by wheredoigo at 9:56 PM, July 27th (Sunday)]
Ialso thought I read that your BH had an xWW and xWW family
I went and read my profile. You're right. I did have it written in there. It's kind of confusing. I changed it so that it doesn't say that anymore.
In short, my BS was married before and suspected his 1st W was having a A, but that was after she discovered that he was having a one way EA with his xGF.
If you want to search his profile Jt8d , you might have a bit more to read from his perspective. I really do appreciate that you are taking time to read and respond.
I never would have actually done that in a million years or with a gun to my head, i was merely trying to get him to at least begin to feel the hurt & anguish & humiliation & betrayal i felt.
I honestly don't know if true for your BH, but looking back i look at my behavior as simple lashing out, really no different than a temper tantrum in hopes of getting xSO attention.
BH here. I don't think you put too much stock into what BH is saying right now. If he was closed off and not engaging I would worry more.
He is engaging you, albeit in a painful way. He is working through his anger towards you. He may have trouble doing that because his inhibitions prevent him. (He still loves you). Alcohol becomes a "tool" (not a healthy one) to let out his anger towards you.
Here is the thing some people miss about expressing anger. It can be painful to let the anger out. It is not a cake walk for the receiver, but the person expressing anger can feel pain doing that. Co-dependents especially. Numbing himself with alcohol allows him to express his anger with that pain that comes with that anger minimized. Most likely he is maxed out with pain in a normal setting and can't handle anymore.
Try to gently to makes some rules about drinking. (No "A" talk while drinking, etc.) Also he needs to express his anger towards you, but feel confident enough that it will not chase you away.
FWIW right now he is afraid that his anger is going to push you away. Take small comfort in that. He doesn't want to push you away. Work on allowing him a safe place to express it without fear of you running away or becoming defensive. Anger clouds judgement and it likely will not always make sense or be "fair." It can be addressed after it is expressed or at a later time
Your role is to be able to listen and empathize. Show him you understand why his angry. Don't deflect, try to change his mind, just accept it. He is still burdened with the past and is no where near looking towards the future and the person you are becoming to "convince" himself that he is safe.
Hold him and remind him he is safe. He really needs to provide that for himself, but probably isn't able to right now. He is only a few months out (After reset). He is fearing another DDay more than anything and would likely do almost anything to avoid that, even if it is damaging to you, the M or himself.
DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.
Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.
Hopefully it is just the alcohol talking and he straightens up and doesn't turn the tables around on you.