My ex has completely rewritten history, telling me he never even wanted to marry me, always hated me, he knew he wanted a divorce when we bought our new home. On and on justifying himself to me and to anyone who will listen. "Well yea I cheated, but Butterfly did this, that and the other thing, etc...."
And OW the Saint saved him from his evil witch of a wife
I think the first post is important to let struggling BSs with unremorseful waywards know they should watch out for the WS gaslighting and blameshifting and overall talking out of their ass. Don't take it personal if your wayward is being cruel and rewriting history. He/She is just trying to justify their shitty ass choices. You are NOT the object of scorn and disgust they are projecting onto you!
I think deep down my ex did love me at some point, but his lack of respect for me was way bigger than any love he had for me. Lucky for me his lies haven't hurt me in a while. Anyone I care about knows the truth. Everyone else can believe his lying ass if they want to..
to let struggling BSs with unremorseful waywards know they should watch out for the WS gaslighting and blameshifting and overall talking out of their ass. Don't take it personal if your wayward is being cruel and rewriting history. He/She is just trying to justify their shitty ass choices. You are NOT the object of scorn and disgust they are projecting onto you!
Thanks ButterflyGirl. That was my original intent. For the WS that do NOT fit into this category, my apologies. It hit a chord with me because my stbxw insists on rewriting everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, in our marriage to rationalize her current A. And the last A. And whatever ones were in between.
DD#1 July 28, 2010 Admitted to EA. A went underground.
DD#2 August 19,2010 Admitted PA
Once DDay rolled around (I found the evidence myself - he didn't confess, and still continues to TT), it started to make more sense to me. Yes, he had legitimate complaints about me, and I'm sure that he amplified those complaints in his own mind in order to justify his affair. I learned that he trashed me to the OW, too.
I can't even look at our wedding photos without tearing up now. He's ruined the happy memories of what had been a wonderful day.
Never mind the fact that we git kicked out of adult bookstore in Vegas for lewd behavior ,we moved our eldest to college, i began working from home because was working alot & didn't want it to interfere with relationship.
Not to mention (per xSO) i was in general a horrible cook & housekeeper & landscaper & provider & lover & friend & mother.
So did xSO disparage me? No, not in his mind. He honestly thought/does think those things of me. Except when he doesn't. That all depend on moon phases &unicorn farts, i think.
Eta...but he sure loved spending the fat bonus's
[This message edited by GetEvenInAZ at 1:22 AM, July 28th (Monday)]
Robert Louis Stevenson
I found emails and text between my wayward and OW in which both were trashing their respective spouses.
The things they were complaining about, in the emails and texts I saw, seemed as if the faithful spouse was the adult living in an adult world, and the two having the affair were teenagers complaining about having to live in an adult world.
My husband complained about me not wanting to spend $150,000 on an exotic car (we did not have the money nor the credit rating to buy)
He complained about the fact that I did not want to go on expensive vacations of to eat out ( the reason was that his income had dropped, (likely due to the distraction of his LTA,) and we did not have the savings, nor credit card space for such things.
Also, my husband did demonize me to at least three counselors, all of whom pointed out that he seemed happy prior to meeting his affair partner, based on other comments he had made, during our sessions
The OW was also complaining about her husband. She said he had gained weight, and she mentioned that she never really loved him.
But it likely is a generalization to say that all demonize their spouse, I think it depends on which category of wayward they fall into.
Edited to add:
In a MC session, my husband did recently admit that he was looking for way to demonize me because he felt guilty. And, he did apologize to me for doing that and for trash talking me to the OW.
[This message edited by seethelight at 9:53 AM, July 28th (Monday)]
I didn't think rewriting history was so much trash talking to the OP but more changing (in their mind) how the marriage really was.
At any rate, my WH did both.
At any rate, my WH did both.
I agree, and also my wayward did both, too.
He trashed talked me to the OW, and told the MCs we saw that he had been unhappy for years.
He later did admit in counseling that he needed to say that to alleviate some of his guilt.
now all of a sudden I'm not the person she needs?
the OM isn't a saint, but that is what she apparently wants. I suspect there are plehnty of women out there that would like to have a saint for a husband, yes me.
I see stedfast1973 and I also have WS with same psychological angles.
[This message edited by steppingup at 10:49 AM, July 28th (Monday)]
"If you are a side dish, and you become their spouse, just remember, the side dish position is open again" - Foolme1