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User Topic: Friendly Reminder for struggling BS's
NoMorDeceit
♀ Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H never mentioned me at all. He never told anyone he was married and he didn't re-write our history at all even with me. He was extremely happy with me and our marriage...he just wanted his whores on the side.


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 556 | Registered: Apr 2009
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course it's wrong to generalize because all waywards are different (some are remorseful!), but the original post was true for me, and I imagine Hal..

My ex has completely rewritten history, telling me he never even wanted to marry me, always hated me, he knew he wanted a divorce when we bought our new home. On and on justifying himself to me and to anyone who will listen. "Well yea I cheated, but Butterfly did this, that and the other thing, etc...."

And OW the Saint saved him from his evil witch of a wife

I think the first post is important to let struggling BSs with unremorseful waywards know they should watch out for the WS gaslighting and blameshifting and overall talking out of their ass. Don't take it personal if your wayward is being cruel and rewriting history. He/She is just trying to justify their shitty ass choices. You are NOT the object of scorn and disgust they are projecting onto you!

I think deep down my ex did love me at some point, but his lack of respect for me was way bigger than any love he had for me. Lucky for me his lies haven't hurt me in a while. Anyone I care about knows the truth. Everyone else can believe his lying ass if they want to..


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2639 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
HurtingandLost
♂ Member
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

to let struggling BSs with unremorseful waywards know they should watch out for the WS gaslighting and blameshifting and overall talking out of their ass. Don't take it personal if your wayward is being cruel and rewriting history. He/She is just trying to justify their shitty ass choices. You are NOT the object of scorn and disgust they are projecting onto you!

Thanks ButterflyGirl. That was my original intent. For the WS that do NOT fit into this category, my apologies. It hit a chord with me because my stbxw insists on rewriting everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, in our marriage to rationalize her current A. And the last A. And whatever ones were in between.


36 BH
Sons 16 and 8 Daughters 11, 7, 5.
Ex and STBX both cheated, thinking of getting a dog as a companion after D. At least they're loyal.

Posts: 1032 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: MidWest
tryinginmi
♀ Member
Member # 29358
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH used trashing me as a way to
Bond with cOW. In fact he trashed me to anyone that would listen.


Me - BW 40
Him - FWH 39
Her - MOW 47 Fat Assed Toothless Man Faced Whore!!!

DD#1 July 28, 2010 Admitted to EA. A went underground.
DD#2 August 19,2010 Admitted PA


Posts: 1006 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Michigan
Trying297
♀ New Member
Member # 44132
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH trashed me to my face. Seemingly overnight, everything I did was wrong. I couldn't figure out why he suddenly hated me. I thought I was going crazy.

Once DDay rolled around (I found the evidence myself - he didn't confess, and still continues to TT), it started to make more sense to me. Yes, he had legitimate complaints about me, and I'm sure that he amplified those complaints in his own mind in order to justify his affair. I learned that he trashed me to the OW, too.

I can't even look at our wedding photos without tearing up now. He's ruined the happy memories of what had been a wonderful day.


Me: BW
Married for 2 years.
DDay: June 2014
Trying to reconcile, but I'm doing more than my fair share of the work.

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jul 2014
GetEvenInAZ
♀ Member
Member # 30891
Default  Posted: 1:19 AM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My xSO does (even nearly 4 yrs out) the passive aggressive blaming: GetEven works too much, we grew apart,blah blah blah.

Never mind the fact that we git kicked out of adult bookstore in Vegas for lewd behavior ,we moved our eldest to college, i began working from home because was working alot & didn't want it to interfere with relationship.

Not to mention (per xSO) i was in general a horrible cook & housekeeper & landscaper & provider & lover & friend & mother.

So did xSO disparage me? No, not in his mind. He honestly thought/does think those things of me. Except when he doesn't. That all depend on moon phases &unicorn farts, i think.

Eta...but he sure loved spending the fat bonus's

[This message edited by GetEvenInAZ at 1:22 AM, July 28th (Monday)]


Me: BW (44)
now xH (44)
20 yrs, 2 wonderful kids, and up to 5 - make it 6 DDays

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: gilbert AZ
SCORNED
Member
Member # 6301
Default  Posted: 2:06 AM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS talked shit about me to all his Ow ....he projected his shit onto me as well.
That is his way of justifying his A's .....so he can listen to people say " poor guy" ......awful wife .....yeah right , if they only knew the truth !


"The cruelest lies are often told in silence."

Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 12201 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: southwest
Whatdoido333
♀ Member
Member # 36597
Default  Posted: 2:12 AM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH trashed me to OW all the time. He said I was a bitch, that we were just living as friends, etc. then in one sentence he told me he thought our marriage was above average but he was unhappy for our entire marriage! He old everyone i was a bitch, the MC, his IC, his mother, the neighbors......We are years out from DDay and he and the OW are coworkers and still communicate daily and to this day he doesn't think he did anything wrong.

Posts: 118 | Registered: Aug 2012
Charmedwren
♀ New Member
Member # 44149
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Apparently I was "psycho" When I asked him if he went back and apologised for lying about me, he said that he couldn't because the truth came out eventually and they all know he is a liar. Funny, none of those "friends" speak to me now.
He also told me that OW would give him advice on how to save our marriage.
What would a 17 year old kid know?


Me - BW
Him - WH
M 19 years
DD #1 Jan 2013
DD #2 Apr 2013
In limbo for 15 months, three months reconciled and now separated

Posts: 27 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Australia
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if all waywards demonize their spouses afterward, but I know that mine did.

I found emails and text between my wayward and OW in which both were trashing their respective spouses.

The things they were complaining about, in the emails and texts I saw, seemed as if the faithful spouse was the adult living in an adult world, and the two having the affair were teenagers complaining about having to live in an adult world.

My husband complained about me not wanting to spend $150,000 on an exotic car (we did not have the money nor the credit rating to buy)

He complained about the fact that I did not want to go on expensive vacations of to eat out ( the reason was that his income had dropped, (likely due to the distraction of his LTA,) and we did not have the savings, nor credit card space for such things.

Also, my husband did demonize me to at least three counselors, all of whom pointed out that he seemed happy prior to meeting his affair partner, based on other comments he had made, during our sessions

The OW was also complaining about her husband. She said he had gained weight, and she mentioned that she never really loved him.

But it likely is a generalization to say that all demonize their spouse, I think it depends on which category of wayward they fall into.

Edited to add:

In a MC session, my husband did recently admit that he was looking for way to demonize me because he felt guilty. And, he did apologize to me for doing that and for trash talking me to the OW.

[This message edited by seethelight at 9:53 AM, July 28th (Monday)]


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
seethelight
♀ Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't think rewriting history was so much trash talking to the OP but more changing (in their mind) how the marriage really was.

At any rate, my WH did both.

I agree, and also my wayward did both, too.

He trashed talked me to the OW, and told the MCs we saw that he had been unhappy for years.

He later did admit in counseling that he needed to say that to alleviate some of his guilt.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was demonized in the EA. it was quite the opposite for the sexual stuff. I was too good for a deranged pervert like him. Actually in the beginning of the EA I was also sainted. I was too good for him. He was feeling a lot shame for all of the hook up site profiles and cyber sex he was having. But EAP quickly helped him realize that I was the problem. He only had the urge to cheat because I was an evil prude only after his money. And that their LURVE could fix his issues. I only made him feel bad because I didn't "get him like she did". All he had to do was leave me, and it would be fine. together the devised a whole alternate timeline of our marriage.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
steppingup
♂ Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After my WWs last affair she has opened up and said things were not good for over a decade, despite the fact that we had kids, took trips,together, celebrated holidays and birthdays, gave gifts, had sex...and boat loads of smiling happy photos together...

now all of a sudden I'm not the person she needs?

the OM isn't a saint, but that is what she apparently wants. I suspect there are plehnty of women out there that would like to have a saint for a husband, yes me.

I see stedfast1973 and I also have WS with same psychological angles.

[This message edited by steppingup at 10:49 AM, July 28th (Monday)]


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

"If you are a side dish, and you become their spouse, just remember, the side dish position is open again" - Foolme1


Posts: 646 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It kind of makes it harder. Like a double edged sword, too. Like I don't want to punish him, and add shame, so he'll do it again, ya know. So, I get scared to talk about it...


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Chinadoll30
♀ Member
Member # 43131
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH didn't trash me. Instead he took my truth, how I was really feeling (unsure about him/us, afraid to trust him) and used it as an excuse. "Well, she already doesn't trust me, so why not?" Or "she doesn't want me around and ho-bag does". Completely excusing himself for creating the problems between us. Excusing himself from trying to make things work. Putting it all on me. Such extreme selfishness and immaturity.


"We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means 'I survived'." -Chris Cleave

Posts: 339 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Philadelphia
Topic Posts: 35
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