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User Topic: I can't get past
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SI is like therapy for me. I dump an idea out on the table and everyone here helps me take it apart and rearrange the pieces in a way that makes more sense. So here's where I'm stuck this week:

WH and OW shared some activities that were very important to him, but are not as appealing to me. Because I am not willing to recreate those exact experiences, I feel like a part of him will always be with her, like she will "own" a part of him that I can never get back. They will have a continued bond together, forever. Additionally, I can't even dabble in those activities now --although I want to -- because the activities are so strongly associated with the A. Rather than being something we enjoy together, it would only be something that reminds him of her.

My analogy is that he took a once-in-a-lifetime trip to Tahiti with OW. It was exotic and amazing and he will remember and cherish that trip forever. He stayed a long time, but then decided that he missed his old life, and returned home. Now he takes trips to New Jersey with me. The beach is enjoyable, and we have fun there. But New Jersey will never be Tahiti.

So do I just keep going to New Jersey, knowing he will think of Tahiti every time? Do I force myself to go to Tahiti with him? Or do I leave him and find someone else who has only ever been to New Jersey and likes it as much as I do?

My analogy is flippant, but the issue is serious. If I can't resolve my feelings, D is inevitable. I can't spend the rest of my life knowing that he may reminisce about the A that has ripped me to shreds.


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Back on the coaster. Who knows?

Posts: 373 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I couldn't go to Tahiti. Unfortunately Tahiti is going to be a trigger for you going forward whether you go or not, whether your R or not.

I am D. DDOW was Indian. The DD A happened in London during a business course at the beginning of an Olympic year. Final S happened just before the London Olympics started.

I thought it would kill me. It didn't.

There are experiences, places, foods that I have reclaimed. I couldn't eat Indian food for ages for the triggers. Then one day I did and did it without thinking.

I think we all romanticise the time they spent together. Ideally Tahiti should trigger him too. I would be concerned if he cherished anything about it. I doubt there are any pleasant memories that haven't been sullied by how fucked up he was to be there in the first place.

Tahiti is also where he decided he wanted to come home. To you. To New Jersey. Wouldn't it be nice if THAT was the kinds of triggers we had.

((krspat)) You are very early into this. Be gentle with yourself. The mind movies and the obsessive thinking took time and work to stop. I used the mental image of a stop sign - others snap a rubber band around their wrist.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


..Tahiti will only serve to remind 'you' and 'him' of the A..

..make new memories with him if you really want to R.. and go to new places..

..screw Tahiti... go to Paris!!

..smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4129 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

krsplar. I think I know of what you are referring to and I need to ask if you have ever given it a try? Have you tried and found you just couldn't do it or have you just thought about it and thought, no it will remind us both about OW?
After all, it hasn't been that long since your DDay and things are still pretty fresh in your mind.
Mu WS and I tried a couple of times shortly after he returned, but haven't visited that since. It wasn't as bad as I thought and it, surprisingly, didn't trigger me at the time. Again, put me on the same playing field as OW and for some reason that was very important to me. Now my WS is just sickened by the mere thought of it. Reality has hit him big time. Maybe that would happen with your WS too. KWIM???


And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1319 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ideally Tahiti should trigger him too. I would be concerned if he cherished anything about it. I doubt there are any pleasant memories that haven't been sullied by how fucked up he was to be there in the first place.

He says this is the case, that he can't think of any time they spent together without also picturing me crumpled on the floor. He also claims that the activities are not nearly as important as I am, and that he could go the rest of his life without those activities as long as I will let him stay with me. I just don't buy it.

"Tahiti" could be anything, by the way: motorcycle racing or rock climbing or salsa dancing.... Anything that they did together that I can't do makes me feel like I've lost somehow, like OW will always be this unforgettable, insurmountable obstacle to any kind of real R.

It may be that I am the the only one with the mental block. But it's big, and I just can't get over it.


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Back on the coaster. Who knows?

Posts: 373 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't go to Tahiti. Go to Kaui.


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 953 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
TheIrishGirl
♀ Member
Member # 43496
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe Tahiti will become less important to him now that he knows not only that he went there trying to kill you, but also that you can never go there. Even if you had a underlying interest in Tahitian culture, you can't look into it.

Maybe you two can discover a newfound passion for Peru together. Someplace exotic, exciting, and completely new. Completely yours. And frankly, has more to offer for long-term interest.


Me: 31, BW Him: 38, WH
2 children (ours) 7/11 & 3/14
D-day 4/18/14 I saw his 'other' email

Posts: 570 | Registered: May 2014
iwillNOT
♀ Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You stop caring what he feels about Tahiti, scratch old reliable New Jersey, and go to a place that you've always wanted to go, without his input. You and your needs are first now, and he can come along.


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 512 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't imagine what it is like to recover from an LTA. A 7 year LTA just overwhelms me. I was only married for 8 years - he cheated with lots of different women during that time.

For the first time it has just occurred to me that OWUmpteen and perhaps one other were LTAs, at least on/off and not 'exclusive'. At 2 years out the thought makes me sick.

It is not a mental block. It is an overwhelming situation you are in.

Only you can know if this is a deal breaker for you.

It took me several months after S to accept that this was a deal breaker for me. I didn't want it to be. I raged against it. But it just was.

I had lots of triggers but HE was my biggest trigger. Everything about him. What was once mine was now sullied. I could not find my way around that nor could I live with that forever.

I'm so sorry friend. By your registration date it looks like you are in the very early days. You would still be in shock, grief and disbelief. Are you in IC? If not I would strongly suggest you consider it.

I couldn't think straight while trying to R. I was so busy looking for warning signs or signs that his remorse was real I didn't take the time to work through this myself.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pick a neat place to go to, not Tahiti, maybe Bora Bora or Paris or somewhere else and go enjoy it. Maybe it will remove a sting and make new memories.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 1066 | Registered: Dec 2013
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H and OW went to Tahiti also, but so had he and I. I tried to find a place he did not go with OW so we could take a special trip, just us. Unfortunately for us, there is no place on the planet that they did not visit, from Tahiti to Tijuana, or from Bali to Burbank.

I, sadly enough, understand, and have not found my answer either.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1526 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
plainpain
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree, the best way through it is to think very selfishly about what YOU want. Forget what he did with AP. If you want to "go there" then do it and enjoy it because it's what YOU want. If you don't want to, then you don't have to do it just to erase AP from his mind. That's his job and his work to do, not yours. The focus should not be how to let him have Tahiti again or feel good about Tahiti, but how to help you move past him going there with another person.

For me, there were some things I had to aggressively take back/take over for my own emotional well-being. OW luuurved anal. So I had to decide if that was going to forever be their 'thing'. I decided that for me, I would be damned if I let her have a 'thing' with MY husband. I did a lot of mental trickery... pictured OW watching us and crying, that kind of thing. I desecrated and demolished their 'thing'. Whatever works is my motto in that regard.

I noticed something about my WH early on. He had let OW wear a sweater of his during the A. When he got it back from her, he made a point of putting it on me. I didn't know about the A at that point, but the way he did it was weird. Looking back, it was like he wanted to "cleanse it" somehow. He wanted to forget OW had touched it, and the way that worked for him was to replace the image and memory with one of me. It felt gross to me to know that, and I did feel somewhat violated, but it helped him put her out of his head and ultimately that was what I wanted. I loved that sweater and I paid a fortune for it. After DDay it went in the garbage.

Unfortunately you can't put experiences in the garbage.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had lots of triggers but HE was my biggest trigger. Everything about him. What was once mine was now sullied. I could not find my way around that nor could I live with that forever.

My H and OW went to Tahiti also, but so had he and I. I tried to find a place he did not go with OW so we could take a special trip, just us. Unfortunately for us, there is no place on the planet that they did not visit, from Tahiti to Tijuana, or from Bali to Burbank.

Yes, and yes. This is why we are currently S. I need space and time to think without having to look at him. He's doing everything he can, but it seems like just more than I can choke down. We'll see what happens.


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Back on the coaster. Who knows?

Posts: 373 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You stop caring what he feels about Tahiti...

Forget what he did with AP. If you want to "go there" then do it and enjoy it because it's what YOU want. If you don't want to, then you don't have to do it just to erase AP from his mind. That's his job and his work to do, not yours.

And THIS^^^ is great advice. The magical land of Indifference is the place I most want to visit!! I know I need to. I just can't figure out how to get there.


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Back on the coaster. Who knows?

Posts: 373 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The magical land of Indifference is the place I most want to visit!! I know I need to. I just can't figure out how to get there.

Gently, you are being unrealistic if you think that is even possible now. It is not. They say it takes 2-5 years to recover in R and that is with a completely remorseful WS and a willing (if not always able) BS. Add the complexity of an LTA and a 7 year one at that? We're talking years.

Do not expect so much of yourself. Your head is still spinning and that is completely normal and appropriate. There are no short cuts. The only way through it is through it. Even in D I have had to work through it - it was easier in some ways because I didn't have him and his process to deal with or the checking up and the talking and him going through withdrawals let alone wondering if he was full of shit or if he remorse was real. It was harder in others because I had to go through a divorce process whilst still bleeding, share the kids, tolerate one of the OW being around my kids and not only accept that this was and always had been a dealbreaker for me (very very painful) but that he also was never the man I thought I married (also a special kind of agony).

D also helped me heal some aspects a lot faster. The triggers you describe piss me off but don't burn me at all anymore. The thing that helped is he went feral and spewed such venom at me because it was a dealbreaker for me and that a mere 3m into False R and only 5m after DD I wasn't yet fully on board with it.

There is no venom in Real Remorse. Whether in R or S/D.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Mochagurl
♀ Member
Member # 14660
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, July 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read a book that covered this subject. The book is called My Husbands Affair The Best Thing that Happened to me by Anne Bercht.
She talks about reclaiming the affair territory. Making your own memories about certain places. Anne and her husband did this with a street in Vancover where he took his affair partner. They just walked down the street and reclaimed it. They made their own memories.
My husband and I didn't get to do this, but I plan on doing it by myself. I will be damned if some two bit home wrecker whore is going to "steal" these fun actives and places from me!
If you have a truly remorseful husband, this should be doable after some time has pasted.
This is a great book by the way.


Me: BS-55
Him: WS-55
Married: 35 years
DD 36, DD 26, DS 22, DD 19
You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

Posts: 223 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Ohio
meleanoro
♀ Member
Member # 6210
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Triggers take a LONG time to get over.

My WH doesn't have AP(s) but rather fantasyville. So, things related to that still trigger me, and I've been working on recovery a long time.

Some of my solutions involve epic actions: like moving away from a country of people whose ethnicity triggers me. And some of my solutions are smaller...like looking away.

Sometimes I also really sink into whatever I'm feeling. Like if I'm pissy about a trigger, so be it.mfeel it/that. Stop trying to mask or distract from it.

More than anything, I echo plainplain's suggestions. Do what YOU want. And maybe do it without him. Random example: salsa dancing. If it intrigues you, go, and learn without a partner.

And yeah, go to Paris. And really rock it out.
(All "things" mentioned are metaphorical :)


Me: Tired BS.
(I frequently edit for typos)

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jan 2005
krsplat
♀ Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read a book that covered this subject. The book is called My Husbands Affair The Best Thing that Happened to me by Anne Bercht.

The title alone makes me want to chop this book into tiny pieces and light them on fire. What did it say, so I don't have to read it?


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Back on the coaster. Who knows?

Posts: 373 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
RightTrack
♀ Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH and OW spent hours with vibrators and oral sex on her. WH told me how much he loves this and would love to do it with me.

NOPE! If he wants to stay he'll have to give that up because he wrecked any hope of revisiting that trigger territory with me! Part of the price of your stupid affair, Honey!

That's my attitude about the whole thing anyway. If it's so great that he can't live without whatever it is he's free to go after it. If he's willing to sacrifice the thing/place, then I personally would let him know that had it not been for the affair I'd been all over it!

He asks if I'll ever be into it and I reply, "Maybe, but not with you."


Posts: 626 | Registered: Sep 2012
TheBestMe
♀ Member
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, July 28th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((krsplat))) Neither can I.... There are certain triggers that continue to hit me. Some of these hit harder than others. The triggers that I have been able to dismiss or that do not send me into a tailspin have increased. It seems that time does have a healing effect.

WH and OW shared some activities that were very important to him, but are not as appealing to me

Continue to make YOU the focus of your healing. If your H needs someone to pal around with, there are plenty of guys to hang out with. If the activities that your H and it shared are couple oriented, then that's another subject. If you are eluding to sexual activities, I get it!

Remember the video that it sent to me showing my H dancing in the nude? Apparently, it was after one of their trysts. Well, anytime he is dancing around and clowning I am triggered. Not about their bond, but about his stupidity.



ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 448 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
Topic Posts: 20

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